


Louder Than Love

by templeoftheslavegarden



Series: Louder Than Love Trilogy [1]
Category: Soundgarden (Band)
Genre: 1990s, Alice in Chains - Freeform, Chris Cornell - Freeform, F/M, Fanfiction, Grunge, Mother Love Bone - Freeform, Pantera - Freeform, Pearl Jam - Freeform, Romance, Seattle, Type O Negative, soundgarden - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-29
Updated: 2019-12-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:00:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 82
Words: 185,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22022959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/templeoftheslavegarden/pseuds/templeoftheslavegarden
Summary: **BOOK 1**His touch sends me to a world where only he and I exist, where everything that's bad in the world flutters away and the only thing that matters is us in this moment.I find my voice taking on a different identity all together. One that isn't shy and awkward and self conscious about everyone and everything around her. A voice I never thought I'd find within myself.I fall into a wonderful world where it is only Him and I with music that never ends.Follow on a journey where a small town girl finds her way to the big city of Seattle, and falls in love at the most unexpected time in her life.This is.... Louder Than Love!
Relationships: Chris Cornell/Original Female Character
Series: Louder Than Love Trilogy [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1586416
Comments: 5
Kudos: 21





	1. The Gorilla Room

Seattle, Washington  
November 2, 1988 

"Hey Hon, what can I get ya?"

"Jack and Coke please," I say sweetly to the bartender.

I was standing at the bar waiting for my drink to be poured while I waited for my best friend to meet me here. I'm Andi, Andrea Marie O'Riden if we're being formal here and I just moved to Seattle a few months prior to study business. My best friend, Selena, moved out here just after I did cause she couldn't stand to be without me. We had been best friends since the fourth grade, and we were almost inseparable. 

I had decided to drop out a month ago, and I didn't want to have to move back home to Ontario so I took on a full time position at a local clothing thrift store.

Selena had heard about a local band that was playing here tonight and asked me to come and check them out with her. She said they had just got signed to an indie record label and had seen them play a few nights before. She liked them so much, she thought that I would too. Selena always has amazing taste in music so I'm pretty sure I'll like them.

The bartender sets the drink down in front of me and I take a sip and just as I turn from the bar I see a tall figure walking towards me. He had long dark curly hair that flowed just passed his shoulders, he wore ripped jean shorts and a blue patterned button up short sleeve shirt that he left un buttoned and the most incredible blue eyes I've ever seen on anyone. He stopped at the bar beside me and ordered a beer. He glanced at me and flashed me a sweet smile and I immediately glanced down and sipped my drink feeling my face flush.

Normally I don't feel this way around anyone but there was something about him that made my heart flutter. I had no idea why I felt that way at all. I shoved the feeling away as I sipped my drink and waited for Selena to show up. He grabs his beer and takes a sip and flashes me another glance as I quickly glance back at him flashing him the shyest smile I could muster. I could feel his gaze as he walked passed me towards the stage. I gave him another quick glance and then turned back to the bar and sipped my drink nervously while waiting for Selena.

"Hey lovie!" Selena says as she walks up to greet me.

"Hey" I smile excitedly.

"Wow you look so good," She says as she looks at me. I was just wearing a pair of ripped skinny jeans, my silver studded belt, my silver studded wrist cuff and a Black Sabbath- Master Of Reality band T-shirt that I had found at the store that I had cut into a muscle tank top that you could see my black lacy bra through the sides and stretched it to style loosely but really cool, and I just had my dark curly hair thrown up into a messy up do.

"Thanks" I smile as we give each other a quick hug.

"I swear, you're so good at making shirts like that," Selena says as she orders a drink.

"Meh it's nothing really... just kinda do whatever," I say and take a sip of my drink.

"I need to get you to make me a shirt like that," She smiles at me. The bartender then hands her a beer and she takes a sip. 

"So I guess we're still a bit early, they haven't started yet have they?" She asks.

"Uh... no I don't think so... what band is playing?" I ask.

"Soundgarden... but I think The Melvins are supposed to play first but it's Soundgarden that I told you about," Selena takes a sip. 

"Cool," I say excitedly. I'm always down for discovering new bands.

"Hi... , uh The Melvins were supposed to play first but Buzz is being a dick... so we're gonna play first... we're uh... Soundgarden..."

I turn and see that it was the guy who was giving me those glances at the bar from before, up on stage. Suddenly the band begins to play and I am definitely intrigued.

"Come on... lets get closer..." Selena says and takes my hand as she leads me towards the stage. There were a ton of people all around, some dancing like crazy and some crowd surfing. I don't know what they were playing but damn... it had this really cool punk-sabbath-zepplin groove to it. The lead guitarist was so cool with his grinding grungy tone but The lead singer, oh my god, he was just mesmerizing. His vocals were definitely reminiscent of Robert Plant and maybe a bit of Axl Rose but mostly Robert Plant.

"Do you like it!?" Selena yells over the crushing guitar.

"Yea!" I yell back and sip my drink.

"They're so cool! I saw them a couple of weeks ago when they played at The Central!" She yells

"Cool!" I smile back.

As I look up and watch him sing, he catches my eyes and shows a sly smirk. I somehow wanted to look away but I took a sip of my drink instead as he begins to almost become entranced in his performance. He flips his hair out of his face and screams into the mic all the while maintaining pure control of the moment. I have never heard or seen anything like him. In the middle of their set he ripped off his shirt and some of the girls at the front went crazy throwing themselves at him. Towards the end of their set, he crouches down at the front of the stage.

"Thanks for coming and checking us out.... We're uh playing this Saturday... at uh The Central... and Sunday at uh The Off Ramp...so come out if you want to... if you just got here... we're Soundgarden... we have an album out on SST... Called Ultramega Ok... check it out if you want to... this is Nothing To Say..."

And with that, they once again rip into the Sabbath-brooding-grungy style I was beginning to love.

•••

"So freaking awesome!" Selena yells and cheers as they end their set. I watch them as they all jump off stage and I see the lead singer walk passed me and he once again flashes me a grin, his eyes catching mine, so intensely blue they sent a chill all over my body, and he walks towards the bar.

"Another drink?" Selena asks me taking me out if my daze.  
"Uh... yea sure," I say as I look at my empty cup. We walk towards the bar and I see him standing at the bar waiting for his drink. Hoping he would notice me again but at the same time, I hoped he wouldn't notice me. I walk up with Selena to the bar and stand beside him but not too close.

"Another Jack and Coke?" The bartender asks me.  
"Uh, yea thank you," I say surprised he remembered my drink. All of a sudden, I feel him turn and look at me again. I try so hard to not look back at him but again, He's making me feel all fluttery inside.

What the fuck is wrong with me? It's gotta just be my drink making me feel this way.

The bartender sets my drink in front of me and I reach in my jean pocket for some money.

"Don't worry, I got it,"

I look up and see him with those blue eyes looking at me and he hands the bartender some cash. I feel this rush of heat that flushes my cheeks and I'm pretty sure you could see the nervousness all over my face.

"Uh... thank you," I smile shyly. He continues to look into my eyes as I look into his and I find it difficult to turn away. 

"You're welcome" He says sweetly as I take a sip of my drink and try not to say anything stupid. We stand at the bar for a few moments and then he breaks the silence again.

"I was trying to come up with something to say but the best I could come up with is buying you a drink," He smirks.

"That's ok... thank you," I smile shyly back at him. He takes a sip of his beer and turns more to face me.

"I'm just heading to the washroom..." Selena says quietly in my ear and winks at me. I nod as she taps my arm and heads off to the washroom. I turn back and see him looking at me. Suddenly one of the chicks that were at the front of the stage walks right up to him and slurs something incoherent and practically throws herself at him. He maintains his cool as her friends try attempt to pull her back from him.

"Chris Cornell I want to fuck you so fucking bad!" The girl exclaims and her friends finally pull her away and they head towards the entrance. Looking embarrassed he turns back to me.

"I'm sorry about that... I hate it when that happens...He says as he takes a sip of his beer and leans into me a little so I could hear him over the music that had started up from the next band. 

"That's ok..." I giggle a little and take a sip of my drink. 

"So... I'm Chris," He smiles shyly at me.

"I'm Andrea... or uh... Andi... most people just call me Andi," I say nervously and he smiles sweetly at me. We stand in silence for a few minutes. I had no idea what to say. I was so captivated by just being near him that my brain didn't seem to want to work.

"Um... you were really good... or you are really good... up there... when you were... um... up there" I fumble awkwardly. Apparently my brain still doesn't want to work. 

"Thank you." He smiles at me. He continues to look at me with his intense blue eyes and again I try not to say anything stupid.

"I'm glad you liked it... That album is one of my favourites too..." He says and takes a sip of his beer and I look at him a little confused.

"Your shirt... Master Of Reality..." Chris gestures to my chest. I then look down at myself.

"Oh yea... sorry... Yea I love Sabbath... Into the void is awesome... I mean... Ozzy's lyrics can be a little... I don't know the word..." I say trying to think of how to describe it as I look at myself and pull at my shirt.

"Cartoon -ish?" He says

"Yea... pretty much..." I giggle as I look back up at him. 

"Did you do that yourself?" He asks as he gestures to my shirt again and takes a sip of his beer

"Uh... yea... I found it at the store I work at and I just... sort of made it my own... I guess..." I say and I look back down at my shirt. 

"It's cool... I like it..." He says smoothly. I look back up at him and I was starting to catch on that he was flirting with me. I couldn't help but sort of drift my eyes down to his lips for a second and he had the most perfect pouty bottom lip I've ever seen. I could feel my face flush again and I try to push some thoughts out of my head.

I need to control myself. What the hell is happening here?

"Hey Chris, you heading back with us?" A guy with long black hair and a beard walks up to us and taps him on his arm.

"Yea," He nods and takes the last sip of his beer. I suddenly see Selena walking towards me from the bathroom.

"Uh... I've gotta go... but... maybe I'll see you again sometime?" Chris asks me as he sets the empty bottle on the bar. 

"Uh... sure," I smile shyly and he gives me one last long look from his blue eyes and I feel as if I lost myself inside them. 

"Cool... see you... Andi..." He smiles coyly at me and walks away from me towards the stage. 

"Ok..." I say quietly to myself, turning to watch him walk away and not wanting him to go.

"Hey lovie..." Selena smiles at me.

"Hey," I say sort of dazed as I watch Chris disappear behind the stage.

"He so cool right? What did he say to you?" She asks.

"Uh... He uh..." I trail off trying to remember what happened. 

"You ok?" She giggles.

"Uh... yea I'm fine... just... I'm fine," I half giggle and smile at her.

"You know what? I think we need to go find him," Selena smirks.

"What?" I say and my expression drops.

"Just kidding," Selena laughs.

"I hate it when you do that," I smirk and we head back to the bar for another drink.


	2. Lost Loves Clothing Store

Seattle, Washington  
November 9, 1988

"Andi... would you be able to put these shirts out on the rack over there?"

"Sure.." I say and grab the shirts and walk over to the clothing rack near the back if the store.

It was about a week later and I was busy with work, putting up the new... well relatively new donations that came into the store. We received a bunch of new band shirt donations and what was cool is that I was able to get first pick of what shirts I would like if I find one. 

I quickly scour the pile of shirts before I set them up on the rack and find an awesome Aerosmith T-Shirt from 1984. Hell yes I'm keeping this. I set the Aerosmith shirt aside and bring the clothes over to the rack and start to sort and hang them up. As I continue to sort the clothes, I hear the little bell on the door indicating someone coming in. As I hang up the shirts, I quickly glance up and I see that is was Chris that walked in the store. I do a slight double take and then quickly turn my attention back to the shirts. I could feel my face flush and my heart started to flutter. 

He flipped his long curly hair out of his face as he walked up to one of the rows of shirts and started flipping through the button up shirts. I glance back at him and still my heart fluttered. Again, what the fuck is wrong with me? It's just a guy, but I don't know how to explain it. I just have a feeling about him. As he flipped through the shirts I tried to concentrate on what I was doing but I constantly caught myself looking in his direction. His light blue T-Shirt that had the "Vision" skull logo on the front, made his eyes look so blue I swear it looked like they were almost glowing. 

I continued to hang up the last of the band shirts when he then appeared beside me

"Hi," He says sweetly. I quickly look in his direction and grin at him.

"Hi," I say nervously.

"Um... I was wondering if you had any GWAR band shirts at all," He asks as his blue eyes look over me which send chills all over my body.

"Um... I think I saw one in here... let me check..." I say thoughtfully and flip through the rack. 

"Um there's... this one..." I say as I hold up a white GWAR – Scumdogs Of The Universe T-Shirt.

"Cool," He smiles and I continue to flip through to find another as he takes the shirt from me. I look at him as he looks at the shirt and find myself fantasizing about sucking that pouty bottom lip of his. Fuck Andrea get a hold of your self.

"Or... there's... this one too," I clear my throat and hold up a black T-Shirt with Oderus Urungus.

"Cool," He smiles at me as I hold out the shirt for him to take. I continue to look at his gorgeous face, that was perfectly clean shaven and looked so soft I wanted to reach up and touch him. He looks over the shirt and we stand in silence for a couple of minutes. 

"I didn't know you liked GWAR..." I say as I look back at the rack of shirts and flip through them to try to distract myself.

"Yea... They're cool... Dave Brockie's lyrics are hilarious," He smiles at me. We stand in silence again as he looks at me. A shy smile spreads across his lips and he looks away from me. 

"Uh... I just pay for them up at the front?," He asks shyly.

"Oh yea... here I'll ring you through," I say and walk passed him as he follows me and I grab my Aerosmith shirt from the top of the rack. I walk up to the cash register and he stands in front and hands me his shirts. We look at each other for a moment and then I quickly look away to fold the shirts and place them in the bag.

"Uh.. that's 4 dollars," I say clearing my throat again. He reaches in his pocket and hands me four 1 dollar bills. I cash him out and place the receipt in the bag.

"Thank-you," He says as I hand him the bag.

"You're welcome," I say shyly. We look at each other again and I swear you could cut the sexual tension with a knife. 

"See you... Andi..." He says smoothly and with that, my heart felt like it was going to fly out of my chest and flutter away.

"Bye... or I mean... yea... you too... Chris," I say trying to sound sly but I'm horrible at it. He smirks at me then flips his gorgeous hair out of his face and walks out the door. I exhale loudly and try to contain myself. I walk back over to the clothing rack where I set my Aerosmith shirt aside and noticed it was no longer there. 

"Oh no... fuck," I say to myself. I didn't see anyone else come in the store so I must've accidentally put it in his bag. God damn it. I turn and head towards the door and step outside but Chris was long gone now. Damn it, I wanted to fix it up and style it to wear Saturday night when I go to The Central to see Soundgarden with Selena. 

"Fuck..." I say to myself and head back in the store. Now what the hell am I going to wear on Saturday? I walk back over to the rack of band shirts and sift through them to find another shirt. I eventually find a Dead Kennedy's-Too Drunk To Fuck band shirt. It's punk but it'll have to do. I'm not a big fan but I do like them. I look up at the clock and see that my shift was over.

"Sweet," I say to myself. I walk up to the cash and pay for the shirt and pay for the Aerosmith shirt that I accidentally gave to Chris, then head into the back of the store and put the shirt in my bag. 

"Hey, I'm heading out now" I call to my boss, Nancy, downstairs.

"Alright Andi... see you Monday," She calls from downstairs.

"Yep, See you Monday," I say and with that I sling my black stripped purple bag over my shoulder and head out of the store.


	3. The Central

Seattle, Washington   
November 11, 1988

It was finally Saturday night and I was getting ready to head to The Central to see Soundgarden play. I was in my room just finishing up the last bit of styling my shirt and blasting some Aerosmith on my stereo. I decided to go with my red plaid jeans with the patch pockets down the sides, The Dead Kennedy's shirt I just finished styling into a tank top much like my Black Sabbath shirt but this time cut open the back and cut sections out to have it look like its laced at the back, a pair of Doc Marten's, my silver studded wrist cuff and once again, my hair up in a messy ponytail. I throw my shirt on and you could see my black lacy bra through the sides.

I waited as for Selena for as long as I could but she still hadn't called me to let me know when we were going to meet up. I tried calling her but there was no answer. Of course, I should be used to this by now, since she's always been this way since we were kids but it does frustrate me sometimes. This time I say fuck it and I grab my keys with my ID and some money, shove them into my pocket and head out the door to The Central. 

•••

I arrive at The Central a little bit later and see the place pretty empty as it was still early. I walk immediately over to the bar and order my usual Jack and Coke. I had no idea what to do cause I was here alone and I didn't recognize anybody that I would know. I'm used to going to the Fenix Underground all the way over on the other side of town which is more of a Rock-Metal venue. This is the first time I've been to The Central. 

I sip my Jack and Coke and stand at the bar as I scan people to see if possibly there's someone here I know. I look towards the stage and I see Chris walking towards me to the bar. Once again, I feel that fluttery feeling in my chest. He looked so fucking good I could feel my cheeks flush. He was wearing one of the GWAR shirts he picked up at the store, he cut the sleeves off and tore it up a little which made it look all the more cooler. He was also wearing extremely ripped jean shorts and Doc Marten's just like mine. I quickly turn to face the bar and take a sip of my drink. 

"Hi," He says sweetly to me after he orders a beer.

"Hi," I say nervously back as I look up at him. We look at each other silently for a few minutes and he shyly smiles at me.

"I like what you did with your shirt," I say as I gesture to his chest.

"Oh thanks," He says as he looks down at himself. He looks back up at me and flips his dark curls out of his face. I take a sip of my drink and we continue to look at each other. I have know idea how to describe how I feel right now but it's like Chris has this magnetism that is just unreal. I have never felt this way around a guy, let alone anyone at all, and all this from the 2 times I've met him.

He quickly finishes his beer and smirks at me while I take a sip of my drink. He turns and walks back towards the stage area as I watch him walk away from me. Where is he going? Did I say something weird? 

I shake myself out of the daze I had fallen into and turn to face the bar as I sip my drink. A few moments later Chris comes back out from behind the stage, jumps down and walks back over to me. I take another sip and look at him as he walks up to me.

"I think you put this in my bag by mistake when I was in the store the other day," He says and holds out the Aerosmith T-Shirt.

"Oh my god, yea... I'm sorry... I had pulled that shirt out for me... I thought I lost it somehow..."I say and take the shirt from him.

"It's ok... it's a cool shirt so I thought I'd give it back to you," He smiles at me.

"Thank you," I say shyly as I look at the shirt in my hands. He turns and walks back to the stage and I glance up to see him jump up on the stage and disappear behind the drum set. I really didn't want him to go. I smirk and look back down to try to fold the shirt back up when all of a sudden I see something written on the inside back of the shirt. 

Hi... meet me after?

-Chris

I smile to myself and look up to see him on stage talking with another band member I've yet to meet and he quickly looks back over at me and flashes me a smirk. I smile shyly back to him and bite my bottom lip. Ok, He's really flirting with me now. 

•••

It was after Soundgarden's performance and I was at the bar ordering another drink. I feel a little weird but I stay at the bar and wait to see if Chris is meeting me out here or not. I continue to sip my drink as I see the band packing up as The Central started to play some tunes over the PA system. 

I grab a barstool and sit and sip my drink and after a little bit, I see Chris emerge from backstage and jump down to walk towards the bar. He throws a black T-Shirt on and flips his hair out of his face as he walks up to me. Damn he just looks so good. 

"Hi" He says sweetly.

"Hi," I say shyly and set my drink down. He looks at me and I look up at him and my starts to flutter again.

"So... do you want to maybe go for a walk...?" He asks so cutley.

"Um... yea sure..." I say and hop down off the barstool. I take the last sip of my drink and we head out of The Central and out on to the side walk. We walk in silence for a little bit and I catch him glancing at me every once and a while. 

"So where are we going?" I ask as I look up at him.

"Where would you like to go?" He replies as he looks down at me.

"Um... I don't know," I say indecisively.

"We can just walk," He smirks at me. I look up at him and he grins shyly then flips his hair out of his face and looks away from me. I smile shyly back at him and look away as we walk up the street

"I know it probably seems a little last minute to hang out now but... I just wanted to see you," He says shyly after a while of silence between us.

"That's ok... I don't mind at all," I say as I look up at him.

"I know I don't know anything about you and you sure as hell don't know anything about me... which actually made me happy that you wanted to hang out... but... I don't know..." He says as looks at me shyly again.

"I know what you mean..." I say and look away from him. Fucking hell he's cute.

"Well... what do you wanna know?" I ask him as we come up to an intersection stop light.

"Whatever you feel like telling me..." He says.

"Um... well... you know my name... except for my last name... but at least that's out of the way..." I smirk and he laughs a little as we cross the street and continue to walk.

"Ok then... what's your last name?" He chuckles.

"O'Riden..." I squint as if it hurt to tell him. I really hate the sound of my name.

"Nice to meet you, miss O'Riden..." He raises his eyebrow at me with a cute grin spreading across his lips. I giggle at the sound of him saying my name. At least when he says it, it doesn't sound so horrible to me.

"I'm 18... I... uh... moved here about 4 months ago for school but then I ended up dropping out cause... it just wasn't what I thought it was going to be..."

"18 huh?"

"Yea..." I say shyly glancing down at myself hoping he doesn't judge me for having a fake ID.

"Cool... Where are you from? " He asks softly glancing down at the sidewalk.

"Peterborough Ontario... it's about an hour outside of Toronto..."

"Huh... ? you moved here all the way from... There..."He says slightly surprised.

"Yea...you couldn't tell by my accent?" I say.

"Well... you do sound like you're from out east but I was thinking more like Minnesota or somethin'..." He says and looks down at the sidewalk and I grin at him.

"Well, I always wanted to live on the west coast... I'm working on getting my U.S citizenship but they say I have to live here for a full year before I can do that," I say as I look straight ahead as we walk up the next block.

"Then after I dropped out I just took on a job at the Clothing store and well... that's pretty much it... I rent a tiny one bedroom apartment over in the east side... and yea..."

We continue to walk as Chris soaks in everything. 

"Do you have any family out here?" He asks.

"No not really... well my uncle lives in Victoria but that's like 3 hours away... so no... it was just me and my mom... well my dad too but they divorced when I was like 3 years old, so it was mostly just me and my mom. I just didn't want to spend the rest of my life in that town that gets you no where... my dad was not happy when I wanted to move away... we hadn't spoken since I left... we kinda had a fight about it. My mom was more understanding... though... she could be a little... I don't know..."

"Difficult?" Chris says.

"Yea... yea..." I smile up at him. We come up to the next set of lights and he looks at me with those beautiful blue eyes. We cross the street and walk quietly for a bit. Then I decide to break the silence. 

"What about you?" I ask as I look up at him. He looks down at me and looks a bit surprised.

"Me...?"

"Yea you," I giggle a little and he smiles at me.

"Um... well... I'm 24... I've lived here all my life, I grew up over on the west side, near Richmond Highlands..." He says as he looks down at the sidewalk. I wasn't exactly sure where that was but I had a pretty good idea.

"I went to school up until maybe the 9th grade and then I dropped out... school just didn't really interest me at all...my mom and dad divorced when I was 12 so it was just my mom, me and the rest of my brothers and sisters...." He says as we come up to another intersection.

"How many do you have?" I ask as I look up at him.

"I have 2 older brothers and 3 younger sisters..."He says shyly as he looks at me.

"Do you still talk to your dad?" I ask and he looks away with a slight hardened expression.

"Uh... no... we don't get along at all..."He says as he looks down at the sidewalk. I suddenly feel bad.

"I'm sorry..." I say as I look up at him. He doesn't say anything for a few minutes as we walk but he looks at me and softly smiles.

"It's ok... I just... I don't really like to talk about it... it's just something I'd rather forget..."Chris says and I grin at him.

"I understand..." I say and look away from him. 

We walk a little bit longer, just talking about anything that comes to mind. He just makes me feel like I could tell him anything and he wouldn't judge me or make fun of me. We eventually arrive at my apartment without even thinking about it. He walks me up to my door and we stand outside for a few moments.

"Thank you for walking me home... I know it was a bit of a walk..." I say as I fish for my keys in my pocket.

"You're welcome... It honestly didn't feel like much of a walk..." Chris grins at me. Considering I live on the Northeast side of Seattle, it actually was a long walk but since we talked the whole way, it really didn't feel that long. We once again stand in silence for a few moments as he looks at me and quickly looks away shyly.

"So... is it alright if I see you again...?" He asks so cutley as his blue eyes find mind again.

"Yea... yea I'd like that..." I smile at him and a smile slowly spreads across his lips as if he wasn't expecting it. He grins as I look up at him. I find myself gazing quickly to that pouty bottom lip of his and then quickly looking away as I feel my cheeks flush. Suddenly, I drop my keys out of my pocket from being so distracted by his lips. 

"Shit," I say and look down at the porch.

"Here it's ok... I got it," Chris says and bends down to retrieve them for me. He stands back up to hand them to me and as if he knew what I was thinking, He moves closer to me, leans in slowly as I look up at him and his lips touch mine ever so gently. 

At first his kiss was so gentle it made my heart flutter. His lips, so soft and warm, moved with mine and suddenly I couldn't hold back any longer. I slowly raise my hands up and lace my fingers through his soft thick dark curly hair. He sighs so gently against my lips and I decide to suck his bottom lip like I've been dying to do since I laid eyes on him. His hands move to my sides and around my back as he draws me into him. I can feel his fingers touch my bare skin that showed through the back of my shirt and sent even more chills down my spine. The electricity of his incredible kiss sent shockwaves all over my body that I've never felt before. His tongue flicked at my top lip as if to ask permission to enter. I happily obliged as his tongue devoured my mouth and played with mine. He tasted of sweet whisky and beer which made me want him even more. Suddenly, he breaks his lips away from mine and touches his forehead to mine, us both slightly out of breath. 

"Um... ok..." I sigh trying to come back down to earth.

"Uh... yea," He says as he looks at me from under his brow. We stand in each others embrace silently for what seems like forever, and then he slowly let's me go and I drop my hands from his hair. I had no idea what to say. That was the most amazing kiss I've ever had. I seriously felt something with that kiss, I'm not sure what it was but I want to do it again. 

"So... would you like to meet up... maybe... tomorrow? If you're not busy I mean..." He asks coyly as he touches his lips which makes me want to suck that bottom lip again.

"Yea... yea I'd love to," I softly smile at him.

"Ok..." He smiles back at me and we look at each other for a few more minutes. He finishes handing my keys to me and I slowly take them from his hand, our eyes still locked on each other. He then turns and walks down the steps.

"Chris wait," I say and he flips his hair out of his face as he turns back to look at me.

"Where do you want to meet?" I ask.

"I'll meet you here...?"

"Ok..." I smile back at him. He grins at me cutely and then turns to head out to the sidewalk and I watch him light up a smoke and walk away down the street. I touch my lips remembering the incredible kiss that took place. I want so badly for him to kiss me again, but I know I will have to wait. I shove my keys in the lock and open the door to walk inside.


	4. First Date

Seattle, Washington   
November 12, 1988

The next day I spent just cleaning up my apartment. It had been a while since I did a full clean. With work and everything I get busy and just forget, but since Chris was meeting me here, I didn't know if he wanted to come in or not so I figured I should give my place a good clean. I had tickets to see a band that I had been longing to see and they were playing at the Fenix Underground.

It was later on in the afternoon and I had just finished getting dressed after my quick shower. I threw on a pair of black distressed leggings and a Venom band T-Shirt that I had cut to style into a loose muscle tank, much like the Dead Kennedy's T-Shirt and checked the back to make sure it was tied properly. 

"Perfect," I say to myself as I adjust my black lacy bra under my shirt. I threw my hair up in a messy loose bun once again and put on my silver studded wrist cuff. I also put on my Doc Martens just in case we decide to go out, as it takes me a bit to lace them up and tie them. 

I then walk out into my tiny living room and decide to put on some black metal. I take out some Immortal from my records and start up the turn table. 'Northern Chaos Gods' then starts to punch through my speakers like ice. It was amazing. I walk into the kitchen to pour myself a drink of Jack and Coke, when suddenly I hear a knock at the door. 

"Just a minute" I call from the kitchen as I take a sip of my drink. I walk out into the living room and turn down the stereo, then walk over to the door and look through the peephole. It was Chris. Oh my god my heart started to flutter again. I unlock the door and open it to see him turn and smile at me. Damn he looked so good. His tall figure so toned and... well tall. He was just wearing a plain black T-Shirt, black baggy shorts that came down over his knees and his Doc Martens. His face, perfectly clean shaven and his hair resting just passed his shoulders, his black leather jacket with a Soundgarden logo on the front and those beautiful blue eyes that pierced through to my soul. 

"Hi," He says cutely and smiles at me.

"Hi," I say shyly back to him. We look at each other for a couple if minutes and then I realize I should invite him in.

"Sorry... uh... come in," I say and shake myself out of my distraction. He steps inside and I close the door behind him. 

"Sorry... I uh was just finishing getting ready... I wasn't sure what had in mind to hang out..." I say as I walk over and turn the music down even more. I don't know why but I felt a little nervous that he would not like what I was playing.

"That's ok," He half giggles.

"Would you like a drink?" I ask as I turn back from the stereo.

"Sure," He grins at me, once again his blue eyes sending chills all over my body.

"Ok," I say quietly and head into the kitchen. I take a deep breath and try to calm myself down as I walk over to the counter. I pour him a Jack and Coke, hoping I made it ok and then return to the living room to see him looking through my records. I walk over to him and hand him his drink.

"It's a Jack and Coke... I hope that's ok," I say shyly. He takes a sip.

"That's perfect" He says as he looks at me. I look up at him and we lock eyes for a few moments. He grins at me and I shyly look away.

"Is there anything you see that you wanna listen to?" I ask as I gesture to my records that he was flipping through.

"Actually I was wondering just what was playing now...," He says.

"Oh... um Immortal," I say and I look up at him again. He gives me a look of confusion. I grin at him realizing he's never heard of them. I set my drink down on the coffee table and grab the album cover and hand it to him. He takes it from me with the slyest grin and looks it over. 

"They're black metal," I say and he turns the music up a bit. I look at him as he starts move to it.

"They're uh... intense..." He says as he gives a look of approval.

"Have you ever listened to black metal before?" I ask.

"No... I never really heard anything like it before... well I've heard of Venom... but never listened to it before," He says and gestures to my shirt. I all of a sudden got really excited and wanted him to hear more.

"Oh... oh... ok... so... if you like Immortal, you have to hear this," I say and flip through my records. I feel him smiling at me as he takes a drink, I find what I was looking for and switch out Immortal. He takes the record from me and sets his drink down on the table. He then puts the record back in the Immortal cover and I replace it with the next one. He sets Immortal down and I hand him the cover to what I was about to play.

"Behemoth...?" Chris says inquisitively as he looks at the album as I drop the needle on the first track. Chris raises his eyebrow and looks up from the album cover at me as I take a sip of my drink. At first the album starts with children chanting with the track 'Solve' and then moves into the cold crunching sound of the track 'Wolves ov Siberia'

"Whoa..." Chris says and looks at me.

"I know right? Behemoth is so freaking amazing..." I say as I take a sip of my drink and set it back down on the table.

"That's... uh... I don't even know what to say to that..." Chris says as he looks at the stereo with an expression of utter amazement. He turns up the stereo a bit and a smile spreads across my face. I love how he's digging this right now. We listen to the first bit of the album as he get's a feel for Behemoth.

"So I didn't know if I should ask you... but I might as well since... well anyways..." I say timidly and he looks at me with a cute grin.

"What did you wanna ask?" He says. I take another sip of my drink to help give me the courage and set my glass back down on the table.

"Behemoth is actually playing tonight at the Fenix... I was just going to go by myself cause I don't know anyone, who likes them...But... would you like to go with me?" I ask as I look up at him. A smile spreads across his face.

"I'd love to go with you," He says sweetly.

"Really?" I say excitedly.

"Yea... of course..." He smiles at me.

"Yay!" I exclaim. I was so happy he wanted to go with me I couldn't control what came over me. I don't know if it was the drink or what but I jumped a little and then without even thinking about it, placed my hand on his chest and hopped a little to place a quick kiss on his lips. I pulled away quickly realizing what I had done and touched my lips. His grin slowly faded as I looked at him. I suddenly didn't know if it was ok to kiss him but as the expression on his face faded, he moved closer to me, placed his hand on my hip, leaned down to me and touched his lips to mine. 

Once again just like last night, I feel the electricity of his lips on mine. They were so soft and warm and so gentle, I melted instantly. He pulled me more into him as his lips moved with mine. His kiss, so intense, sent chills all over my body. I reached my hands up and laced my fingers through his soft curly hair as his tongue flicked at my top lip, asking permission to enter. As I open my mouth wider to let my tongue play with his, his hands move from my hips to my sides, up under my shirt and to my back. I had no idea a kiss could make me feel this way. I start to suck his irresistible bottom lip and I feel him sigh against my lips. We continue to discover our mouths until we were practically out of breath and clawing for air. Just as the needle stops playing and returns to it's position, he pulls away from my lips as I drop my hands from his hair and place my hands on his chest, and touches his forehead to mine. 

"I don't know what it is about you... But I've never felt like this just from a kiss before..." Chris says with his eyes still closed, his forehead still touching mine, and trying to catch his breath a little.

"I know the feeling..." I say quietly.

"Ever since last night... I couldn't stop thinking about our kiss... I just wanted to make sure I wasn't imagining it," He says, with his eyes still closed and his forehead touching mine. I look at him as he still has his eyes closed and smile. He is just so adorable right now I can't contain it. He lifts his head from mine and looks into my eyes for a few moments. He softly smiles at me and I smile back at him. I bend down to pick up my drink from the coffee table and down the last of it. 

"lets head out?" I ask as I set my empty glass back down. He smiles at me.

"Sure," He grins. I reach over and turn my stereo off and he reaches for my hand. I flash him a grin and turn to lead him towards the door as I grab my leather jacket and head out to the Fenix Underground. 

•••

We arrive at the Fenix a half hour later and as we walk up to the entrance I hand him his ticket.

"I feel bad... I should be the one paying for you," Chris says.

"It's ok...The tickets weren't that much anyways," I smile at him.

"Ok well... I'll pay for all our drinks then," He says and grins at me. Damn it, how is he so cute?

"Deal," I smile back at him. 

We get up to one of the bouncers and He takes our tickets, then stamps our hand and we head inside. The lobby had a merch table and I wanted a Behemoth shirt so badly, but the line up was huge. I think I might wait.

We walk through the second set of doors and see that the Fenix was filled with people and blasting sounds of crushing guitars. Chris reaches for my hand and I look up at him.

"Come this way..." He says as he leads me over to the left side, all the while the opening band, At The Gates, screams to the audience.

"Where do you wanna stand?" He asks me as he leans into my ear so that I can hear.

"Do you want to get closer to the front?" I say as I lean into him so he can hear me and I catch the sweet scent of his cologne and leather jacket. Oh my god he smelled so good.

"Ok," He says and takes my hand again and leads me through the crowd. I'm so glad he's so tall, it makes getting through people easier. 

We find a spot near the front towards the east side bar. Chris orders us a couple of Jack and Cokes and hands one to me. I just hope that no one taller stands in front of me or else I wont be able to see. After a few minutes, At The Gates finishes their set and some of the crowd heads for the bar and the washrooms. Chris and I take advantage of the freed up space and move a bit closer. 

"You were really going to come here all by yourself?" Chris says as he leans in closer to me.

"Yea...no biggie... well I had bought the extra ticket for my friend to come with me but something happened and it turned out that she couldn't...but I didn't want the ticket to go to waste so that's why I asked you" I say as he looks at me and I suddenly feel like I said something wrong.

"Not like you were second choice or anything..." I quickly say to him.

"No, no I know..." He giggles. He turns and looks around the place to see if there was anyone he would recognize but he didn't see anyone. Then the crowd starts rushing back in and the Fenix fills up even more. We stand together for a little bit as people crowd around us, and I feel him reach for my hand again as he takes a sip of his drink. I look up at him and he looks down at me and just as we lock eyes, the lights went down. The entire crowd starts screaming as Behemoth takes the stage. Chris turns and looks up at the stage area and I follow his gaze as Behemoth begins and scream as loud as I could while Chris laughed and joined in.

•••

"Wait... what is that it?"I asked confused as the lights come up in the Fenix.

"I guess so..." Chris says.

"But... they didn't like... bow or come back out or... wait... huh?" I ask confused as Chris helps to lead me towards the doors.

"I know... it was kind of abrupt..." Chris giggles as we both turn back to look at the stage.

"But it was so fucking awesome," I smile up at him.

"Fuck yea," He says and smiles down at me. We turn back and he takes my hand and leads me out into the lobby. I quickly run up to the merch table and buy a T-Shirt and a patch to add to my denim jacket at home. As I come out from the merch table, Chris was standing near the doors waiting for me looking so cute. I smile at him excitedly as he laughs and we walk out of the Fenix lobby. 

"They were so fucking awesome... oh my god, I'm so glad you came with me and you got to experience it too," I say excitedly as we walk down the sidewalk.

"Yea that was pretty fucking cool," He smiles down at me and takes my hand in his. We walk a little bit up the street as I continue to gush how amazing Behemoth was. Chris asks me if I would like to come over to his place and I happily accept. We hail a cab and head over to his place which wasn't too far from where I lived. 

We arrive at his apartment and I follow him up to the front door. He unlocks the door and leads me inside. As I walk in, The apartment was much bigger than mine. It opened into a large living room area with an open concept kitchen off to the left. There was a large bay window that overlooked what was the back yard area and you could see the mountains off in the distance.

"So... you want to hang out in my room?" Chris asks as he takes off his jacket.

"Sure," I smile up at him and I take my jacket off as well. He takes my jacket from me and hangs it up beside his, as I try to quickly kick off my boots. He then takes my hand and leads me down a hallway to his room at the end of the hall. 

"Is it just you who lives here?" I ask as we enter his room.

"No I live with a friend... he has the other room down the hall... ironically his name's Andy too..." He smirks at me.

"Uh huh..." I say and giggle a little. As I walk into his room, there are a few guitars that are off in the one corner that are beside a Marshall Amp stack with a stool off to the side. His Cherry burst Gibson Les Paul looked so pretty against the stack. The walls, plastered with various bands... Dead Kennedy's, Black Sabbath, Pink Floyd, and the Beatles. His double bed sat just under the large window beside his guitars that looked over the street, another chair off in the corner with a small bar fridge beside that. and his stereo system that sat beside his tv. It was definitely a musicians room. 

"So... we can listen to some tunes... watch a movie... whatever you like..." He says as I walk further into his room and over towards his guitars and Marshall stack. I feel him smiling at me as I admire his guitars.

"Sorry... they're just so pretty..." I say in awe as I turn back to face him. He laughs at me a little and walks over to me.

"I can play something for you if you like..." He says cooly and I smile up at him. He grabs the acoustic that was beside the cherry burst gibson, sits down on the stool and flips his hair out of his face. For some reason my heart started to flutter again and I sat down on his bed cross legged across from him. Then Chris started to play. 

"She motioned to me

That she wanted to leave

And go somewhere warm

Where we'd be alone

I do not know, what's going on

But I'm guessing it's an all night thing

It's an all night thing

If it's an all night thing

Nobody is gonna make it end

And if it don't begin

Don't worry that I'll take offence

And if it's an all night thing

And we fall like a tear falling to the ground

I'll never come around

And you'll never hear a word from me

If it's an all night thing......"

As I listened to him sing this song for me, a rush of emotions filled me like nothing before. My heart started to feel like it was going to flutter out of my chest. I've never felt this way about anyone. What are these feelings? Am I falling in love already? I move down off of the bed and move down to the floor to sit in front of him. I look up at him as he continues to sing to me.

"I walked along, feeling at ease

And falling like rain...

Into her scheme

She won't let on what that will be

But I'm guessing

Ooh It's an all night thing

Yeah It's an all night thing

If it's an all night thing

Nobody is gonna make it end

And if it don't begin

Don't worry that I'll take offence

Yeah And if it's an all night thing

And we fall like a tear falling To the ground

I'll never come around

And you'll never hear a word from me

If it's an all night thing

Yeah It's an all night thing

Uh It's an all night thing

Yeah It's an all night thing

Mmm....."

As soon as he ended I could not contain what came over me. I moved to my knees and I grabbed his face in my hands and pressed my lips to his. At first I could feel that I startled him and then he began to respond to my lips. While I kissed him, he moved the guitar down and carefully leaned it against the wall and then moved his hands to my sides and pulled me even closer. 

The feeling of his lips on mine sent shivers all over my body. This kiss, much like before was so gentle but I needed more. This time I flicked my tongue against his top lip asking for entry and he eagerly accepted. His hands moved down my sides, to the bottom of my shirt and his fingers trailed up underneath my shirt to my back. I moved my hands and laced my fingers through his soft thick curly hair and started to suck his bottom lip which was my favourite thing to do. His tongue played and lapped at mine as his fingers trailed up my back even further and found the clasp to my bra. 

I hungrily continued to suck his bottom lip as I could feel his fingers unclasp my bra. His hands then carefully caressed my back then moved to my ribs. His hands felt so warm and comforting, as he could certainly feel the goosebumps all over my skin. I moved my hands from his hair and touch his toned chest as his tongue continues to play with mine. He pulls away from my lips moved his lips down to my neck. I let out a sigh as I move my hands down over his chest, to the bottom of his shirt and up underneath to feel his soft smooth skin. He breaks away from my neck and lets go of me for a moment, then in one movement, removed his shirt as his hair falls back down around his shoulders and lets it drop to the floor. He intense blue eyes look into mine as he reaches for the bottom of my shirt. He lifted my shirt up and I raise my arms above my head and lifts both my bra and my shirt off of me and lets them drop to the floor. 

He moves off of the chair and kneels in front of me and looks over me as I kneel shirtless in front of him. He then gently leans down and presses his lips to mine and moves even closer so my body is now pressed to his. My heart suddenly starts to pound as I feel so incredibly nervous and yet I didn't want him to stop. His hands move to my back again and he holds me to him as I wrap my arms around his neck and lace my fingers through his hair again. He then breaks away from my lips and places soft kisses down my neck to my chest as I close my eyes and try to just breathe. Oh my god this is amazing. His lips move even further down as he brushes his lips across my breast, arrives at my nipple and begins to play, circling his tongue around my nipple. 

"Chris..." I breathe as he continues to play with my nipple. His hands move to my hips and he gently pushes my leggings down over my hips to reveal my lacy black thong.

"Do you want me to stop...?" He asks as he moves away from my nipple and looks at me. I open my eyes to look up at him, His blue eyes filled with slight worry and I shake my head 'no'. He slowly pulls me closer to him and presses his lips to mine again, this time with more hunger than before. He slowly leans me back until we are both laying on the floor with him over top of me. 

I suck his bottom lip as I lace my fingers through his hair feeling his chest against mine. Dear fucking god I want him so bad. He pulls away from my lips and moves himself down, his hair tickling me as he moves lower. His finger find the rim of my thong and he slowly removes it from me tosses it aside. I squeeze my eyes shut as I was still so nervous but anticipating what he is about to do. He moves my legs farther apart to better accommodate him as his fingers gently trail up my thigh. I exhale and cover my eyes with my hands.

Chris gently presses his lips to my inner thigh and slowly places soft fleeting kisses up closer until he reaches my core. I continue to squeeze my eyes shut as his lips find my clit and he softly kisses as I feel his hands move to spread me apart. I whimper as he slowly and gently licks and flicks my clit with his tongue all the while his lips gently suck my clit at the same time.

"Oh my god..." I let out and raise my arms above my head as I arch my back, responding to him. He then inserts his finger inside me and slowly begins to pump in and out of me. His other hand softly strokes the outside of my slit all the while he continues to suck my clit. Dear god, how is he able to do this? 

I bite my bottom lip and try to contain myself as he continues to work me but whatever he is doing, I can feel myself grow hotter as the feeling of falling is starting to take over. He inserts two more fingers inside me as I whimper and shudder under his touch. He continues to pump his digits slowly and sensually. 

"Chris... holy shit..." I gasp as I try to maintain this feeling. He removes his lips from my clit and replaces them with his fingers. His sensual varying rubbing patterns are about to send me over the edge. 

"Can you cum for me...?" he breathes as he looks up at me and I continue to lock my eyes on the ceiling above me. His words send me over the edge and I take in a deep breath and hold it as he replaces his fingers with his lips and sucks my clit more intense than before. 

"Chris... I... I'm gonna cum... " I warn and in one moment the bubbling heat that had been churning inside me releases all over him and I cry out in pure intense pleasure. I have never felt this way before, how in the hell is this happening? He moves his lips away from me and kneels in front of me to quickly rip his shorts down. I continue to pant, trying to come back down to earth and I feel him move over top of me once again. I regain my composure and look at him as he moves over top of me and I eagerly wrap my legs around his waist. I feel his hardness pressing against me and he feels so amazing. 

"Fuck... you feel so fucking good..." He moans as he moves against me. I want him inside me so bad that I reach down and feel how well endowed he really is. I start to feel nervous again thinking that this may hurt. I look at him as he looks at me with a furrowed brow, with a look of pleasure as I move my hand up and down his erect shaft. I bite my bottom lip as I watch him enjoy the feeling of my hand. He moans as I then guide him into me and he crashes his lips to mine. I whimper against his lips as he slowly begins to thrust inside me.

Reaching up, I lace my fingers through his hair and watch his look of pure pleasure as he thrusts slowly and sensually inside me. With his eyes closed, hovering over me I continue to watch him as I finally become adjusted to his size. I move my one hand down his smooth cheek and he turns his head to lean into my hand, placing soft kisses on my palm as he thrusts into me. 

"Oh god Chris... you feel so good inside me," I whimper as his thrusting becomes more intense causing me to bounce against him a little. I respond to him with matching his thrusts as I move my hand from his lips and down to his chest. His breathing now becoming more intense with each thrust, he begins to buck his hips against mine. I hold my hand against his toned chest, feeling his heart pound against it. Suddenly in one movement, he wraps his arm around me and pulls me up into a seated position and continues to thrust inside me. I wrap my arms around his neck as he holds me to him, his hands gripping my back.

I look at him as he moves inside me and I brush away some of his hair that had fallen in his face. He opens his eyes to look into mine and I swear I couldn't contain myself any longer. 

"Fuck... Chris... I'm gonna cum..." I breathe.

"Shit... I'm gonna cum too..." He breathes and in one movement we both cry out together watching each others reaction. He spills his orgasm inside me and as we both ride off our high together, I press my lips to his and suck his bottom lip. He then pulls his lips away from mine and touches his forehead to mine. After we hold each other for a few moments I open my eyes to look at him and I see him smiling at me trying to catch his breath. 

"God damn that was good," He breathes and I giggle.

"Fuck yea that was..." I giggle and he laughs. He gives me another quick kiss on my lips and touches his forehead to mine again as we hold each other for a few moments.

"Stay with me tonight?" He asks as I move my forehead from his and I brush away some hair that had fallen in his face.

"Ok..." I smile at him and he presses his lips to mine once again.


	5. Sunday Morning After

Seattle Washington November 13, 1988

Early the next morning I wake to see the early morning light pouring through the window. The sun still hadn't rose quite yet so it was that blueish grey tone lighting up Chris's bedroom. I turn my head a little to look up at the window and I feel his arm draped over me and his face buried in the back of my neck. As I look up at the window, Chris moans a little and then pulls me closer to him. I try to shift myself a little to turn to lay on my back as he pulls in a deep breath and moans again. I smile to myself and close my eyes while I listen to him sleep. This is the perfect moment right here. I could stay here forever, right here with him, and never leave his bed. I am falling so hard for him but I'm not going to say anything yet. 

He then moves a little and I feel him move his arm off of me as he takes in a deep breath. He turns to lay on his back for a moment and then looks at me with those beautiful blue eyes.

"Hi," He says softly and cutley.

"Hey," I grin back at him. He rubs his eyes for a moment and then blinks to focus a little more and then turns to face me and props his head up on his hand and leans in to press his lips to my temple.

"It's early..." He says quietly.

"Yea..." I say as I turn to look at him. He's so freaking perfect. Even the hint of stubble on his face is perfect.

"You sleep ok?" He asks after a few moments

"Yea... I actually did," I giggle a little and he smiles at me. We lay just looking into each others eyes and it's like heaven.

"So... is that how you get all the girls?" I say slyly.

"What do you mean?" He giggles.

"I mean... that song... last night..." I say. He doesn't say anything to me for a few minutes and for a moment I thought I had offended him.

"Actually no... I uh... wrote that the night I walked you home from The Central...You kinda inspired me to write it..." He says shyly and looks down. I had no idea what to say.

"Oh..." I say still feeling awkward. He looks back at me and gives me a small grin. 

"Well... I loved it..." I say trying to not feel awkward. I can't believe he wrote that because of me.

"I figured you did..." He giggles and I giggle with him. He then leans into me and presses his lips to mine. He then breaks away from me and with his hand on my side, he moves to my lower back and pulls me into him. I close my eyes and snuggle more into his bare chest while I reach up and begin to play with a few of his curls that had fallen across his chest.

"I wanna stay here forever... and never leave this spot..." I say and I hear him giggle.

"I have that same feeling..." He says and I giggle. 

We lay together for pretty much the whole morning just talking and telling each other more about ourselves. He opens up a little more to me about how he grew up, and he even opens up about the relationship he had with his father, or didn't have for that matter. The constant ridicule and emotional abuse was quite frequent between him and his brothers. He talked about how he was addicted to listening to the Beatles when he was about 9 years old. He actually broke into a friends house through the basement and found a stack of old Beatles records which he brought home and fixed them up to play them. He listened to nothing but the Beatles straight for a full year, which started his whole determination to wanting to be in a band and the fact that he wanted to prove to his father he was more than just, what he felt was a screw up. So he started out as a drummer first with his first band The Shemps, but that obviously didn't work out, and then now moving on to frontman which has now led him to start Soundgarden. 

I tell him a little more about my mom and since he opened up to me about his father I decided to tell him the issues I had with my mother. I told him how ever since I was little she battled with manic depressive disorder which would cause a lot of paranoia along with physical and emotional abuse when she was in the manic state. Which then led to my mom and dad divorcing when I was just 2 years old. I told him I still talked to my dad as I was such a daddy's girl, though I haven't spoken to him since I decided to move out west. Let's just say he wasn't happy with me leaving and we ended up in a big argument.

Though I always struggled with my mother, I loved her more than anything. She wasn't always like that. She did have good days. I tell him a lot more about my dad, How my dad had a band when I was really really little and he would take me to see him play when he performed at local places around my home town, how my dad taught me a little guitar when I was like, 7 or so but I ended up quitting cause... well my mom... she could really be not so encouraging sometimes. I did take piano lessons when I was really little too, up until I was about 8 or 9, but I hated my music teacher... she always picked on me... . You could say Chris and I have had our fare share of hard times. 

"I'm so glad you didn't judge me when I told you about my mom..." I say as I lay on my back and turn my head to look at him.

"Why would I do that?" He asks confused.

"I don't know... there was this one time with my ex, he was having a fight with his dad I guess but it didn't ever get, you know really bad... so I innocently started to you know try to relate to him by telling him stuff that would happen between me and my mom... and he just looked at me like I 'should've told someone', ' I need to get out of there', Why didn't I tell my dad... that kind of stuff... which made me embarrassed... Even my grandma and aunt were worried when I was really really little... cause my mom would do some weird stuff... but I would deny it cause I didn't want them to take me away from her..." I say and trail off in thought as Chris strokes my hair. 

"I would never judge anyone for what they go through... you are actually the first girl who actually understands what it's like...It's weird... like the moment I met you last week at The Gorilla Room when we played that night... I just had this feeling... like... I don't know how to explain it..." He says as he looks at me.

"Come on... you just thought I was a hot chick, admit it," I laugh jokingly and he laughs with me.

"Well you are pretty fucking sexy..." He raises his eyebrow at me and I blush.

"Well that's because I have amazing taste in music..." I say with a smirk.

"Well I won't deny that..." He laughs. 

"So... what do you want to do now..." He asks me after a few moments of silence. I look up at him and smirk as I place my hand on his chest and push him over on to his back. He looks at me with a surprised look on his face and raises his eyebrow at me. I straddle him and then lean down and press my lips to his. I start to suck his bottom lip as he moves his hands to my hips. The feeling of his hands on my bare skin send shivers all over. I flick my tongue against his top lip, begging for entry and he responds, letting his tongue play with mine. I then pull away from his lips and he looks at me with those intense blue eyes. 

"I think I might be able to think of something we can do..." I say innocently and lean down and place soft kisses down his toned bare chest. I move myself further down and continue to trail my lips down to his stomach. I hear him take in a deep breath as I continue to trail further down. He lifts himself up a little on his elbows to watch me move down as my lips arrive at his very well endowed erect shaft. I open my eyes for a moment to see and I was still a little nervous. I've never seen anyone as big as he is. I close my eyes and place soft fleeting kisses on the tip of his shaft, while I hold him at the base.

Chris collapses back down and places his hands on his forehead as he begins to moan. I start to circle my tongue around the tip as I start to pump him with my hand slowly but firmly. I then started to lick the tip as I continued to move my hand up and down, causing him to move his hips in rhythm with my movements.

"Holy.... Fuck," He breathes as I continue to work him. take his member into my mouth and slowly begin to suck as I move my head, using my tongue to circle around the tip.

He whimpers and I suddenly could feel myself growing wet as I continue to suck and lick him. I move my mouth back up to the tip and flick his sensitive spot with my tongue.

I move my mouth off of him and he moans as I slowly move my hand up and down, taking a break to catch my breath.

He looks at me as I move back down and softly tease him with soft kisses on his tip. He starts to rub himself against my lips begging for entrance once again. I accept and place my mouth on him fully once again, sucking and flicking my tongue against all of his sensitive spots. 

"What the fuck.... Oh my god..." He whimpers as he watches me play with the tip of him. I start to moan as I can feel myself become more wet the more I suck him. With my free hand, I move from the base of his shaft and up to his flat stomach as I continue to pump him and suck him all at the same time. I glance up at him and see his expression of pure intense pleasure.

"Fuck... I'm gonna cum..." Chris warns and I brace myself to get control of the stroke. He thrusts into my mouth and suddenly he releases himself as I suck the salty substance from him. Chris cries out loudly as I continue move my hand over his flat stomach to soothe him through his orgasm. He twitches a few more times, riding out his high. I make sure I swallow every last bit of him as I suck him one last time and then move my mouth from him. He takes my hand that was on his stomach as he moves into a seated position. He starts to kiss the palm of my hand and with his other hand, he grabs my hips and moves me to straddle him. 

"Jesus fuck... that was amazing," He breathes as he breaks his lips away from my hand and crashes his lips to my neck. I bite my bottom lip and close my eyes as I rest my arms on his shoulders. His hair tickling me as he trails his lips to my shoulder. I turn my head to see him kiss my shoulder and I brush his hair behind his ear to place a kiss on his temple. 

"I want you inside me..." I whisper in his ear as his lips break away from my shoulder. He looks at me and and presses his lips to mine and just as I start to suck his bottom lip, He inserts himself inside me. I moan against his lips in pure pleasure as I start to move my hips, feeling him respond with slow and sensual thrusting. He moves his hands to grip my hips as I slowly match his rhythm. I wrap my arms around his neck to steady myself as his lips move with mine. As I begin to grind against him, feeling the length of him inside me, I break away from his lips and gasp.

"Chris... I don't... think I'm going to... last long" I pant in between his thrusts.

"That's ok... just let it go..." He says as he watches my reaction to him. I close my eyes and bite my bottom lip, just as I throw my head back, and I feel my internal heat bubbling to the surface. Chris presses his lips to my throat as I lace my fingers through his hair.

"Oh fuck... I'm gonna cum..." I gasp.

"Fuck yes..." He says with his lips against my throat and I cry out in pure intense pleasure. The feeling of falling is almost too much to handle. I try to catch my breath as I hear him cry out and feel his orgasm spill inside me. He holds me against him, his lips still against my throat, I can feel him panting we both come down from our high. He breaks his lips away from my throat and looks at me as a smile spreads across his face. I look at him and still panting, smile back at him. I then touch my forehead to his as our breathing begins to return to normal.

"That was amazing...." He breathes as he looks at me under his brow. Still trying to catch my breath, I smile at him as he moves his forehead from mine and presses his lips to mine. The feeling inside me is overwhelming. I'm falling in love with him.


	6. I've Been Deaf Now I Want Noise

Seattle, Washington  
January 10 1989

"Ok Chris, That's good for now,"

Chris removes his headphones, sets them down on the stool behind him and walks out of the isolation booth. He had just finished recording the last of the vocal tracking for album which is set for release by the fall.

"I don't know... I don't think I got that last part right," Chris says as he enters the mixing area where their producer, Terry Date was recording. Terry stops the Reel to Reel machine and rewinds the tape back.

"No man, it was perfect," Terry says as he cues the tape and starts it again. He then cued up the guitar track that Kim Thayil recorded earlier-Kim had just stepped out to grab some food- and attempted to combine them together roughly to give Chris and idea of how it would sound. Chris gives him a unconvinced look as Terry plays it back. 

"Trust me, once it's mixed it will sound amazing,"

"I don't know man... you got my vocals sounding like they're trying to compete with Kim..." Chris says frustrated.

"Chris... trust me it'll sound better once it's mixed" Terry tries to re-assure him.

"I just don't want it to turn out like the way Ultramega OK did," Chris says.

"Chris... don't worry, I got you... here..." Terry says as he plays it back again and tweaks the mixing board a little. Chris started to relax. That was definitely better. That's the thing about Chris, when it comes to work, it needs to be perfect. Chris nods and feels a little better though a part of him was worried it sounded too polished, anyways, Chris decides to walk outside to have a smoke. He leans against the wall of the studio and lights up an smoke. He flips his dark curly hair and squints his eyes as he takes a drag. He started to go over in his mind just how this was going to turn out. 

"Hey," Kim says as he walks up finishing the last of his sandwich.

"Hey," Chris says and puffs his smoke.

"Did you finish the vocal tracking already?" Kim asks as he brushes the breadcrumbs off his black T-Shirt and lights up a smoke with him.

"Yep... Terry just has to get it mixed and it's pretty much done..." Chris puffs his smoke.

"That's awesome...This is gonna be good man... it went much smoother than the last time," Kim puffs his smoke.

"Yea... it did..." Chris smiles to himself. They stand in silence for a few moments. 

"So you comin over tonight to jam with Hiro and Matt?" Kim asks as he puffs his smoke.

"Um... yea ... it might be a bit later... I uh asked Andrea... or I mean Andi if she wanted to go out tonight," Chris says and puffs his smoke.

"Well fuck... bring her over too... we haven't even met her yet... you seem to be hanging out with her a lot," Kim smirks.

"Why...? are you jealous?" Chris jokes.

"Yes Chris I can't stand to be without you," Kim says sarcastically mimicking an unrequited love moment and Chris laughs.

"Alright... I'll ask her..." Chris laughs. They puff on their smokes for a little bit and then Kim breaks the silence again.

"So... you like her a lot don't you?" Kim asks. Chris looks at him and smirks and then looks back down at the ground.

"Yea... yea I really do..." Chris says thoughtfully and takes the last puff if his smoke and then butts it out on the ground.

"Well all I can say is if any chick can put you in a better place than you were before... I know I'm gonna like her," Kim laughs.

"Well Ok then..." Chris says sarcastically and laughs. Kim then butts out his smoke and they both walk back into the studio to grab the rest of their things and then head out. 

•••

"Ahhh I don't know what to wear..." I say to myself as I scramble to try to find something in my dresser. Chris and I have been seeing each other for a couple of months now so you'd think I'd be used to not knowing what to wear, but nope. I finally decide to go with a black flowy tank top dress that was low cut with an empire waist and the length came to my mid-thigh, some plain black stockings that came up over the knee which allowed for some thigh to show between the stocking and the bottom of my dress, my red and black plaid button up shirt to go over top, I threw my hair up like usual, my silver studded wrist cuff and of course my Doc Marten's. I didn't know where Chris was taking me tonight so I wanted to look at least cute enough for whatever he had planned. 

I finish last of putting on my make up when I hear a knock at my door. I smile and walk out of my bedroom and over to the door. I open it immediately and see Chris standing there with his perfect beautiful self.

"Hi," He smiles at me and I instantly melt.

"Hi," I smile back as I gesture for him to come in. He looked so amazing. His hair, perfectly curly, rested just passed his shoulders, he wore his leather Jacket and a plain Black T-Shirt with baggy black shorts that came down just passed his knees and his Doc Marten boots. He walks in and I close the door behind him. I turn back to face him and he places a kiss on my temple. 

"Andi... you look so good," He whispers in my ear and I blush.

"So do you," I whisper back as he moves and presses his lips to mine. Damn, I could kiss him forever. He breaks away from my lips and touches his forehead to mine as I place my hand on his chest through his jacket. The smell of his cologne mixed with his leather jacket smelled like heaven. We hold each other for a few moments just breathing each other in.

"So... I have a jam session tonight with the band... so I was wondering if you would like to come along?" Chris asks me as he moves from my forehead and brushes one of my stray curls away from my face.

"Really...? Yea sure... I'd love to," I say as I smile up at him.

"Ok... cool... do you want to grab some food first...?"Chris asks.

"Yea... let me just grab my jacket," I say and I step by him to grab my denim jacket with all my band patches on it and throw it on. I grab my keys and my wallet from the coffee table and we turn to head out the door. 

•••

We decide on a restaurant downtown and pull in to the parking lot. Chris hops out of the old pick up truck he has and comes around to my side and helps me down, Then walk into the restaurant and sit down to order our food. We spend pretty much the whole time we are eating just talking while he flirts with me like crazy. He so easy to talk to, it's like I've known him all my life. He has this almost child-like quality to him, almost melancholy with a bit of awkwardness and indifference, but also this amazing magnetism especially when he's performing. He's able to switch to being confident and aggressive but really he's such a sensitive soul, and goofy as hell.

We finish our dinner and Chris decides it's time to head out to go jam with the rest of the band. He drives us over the Northeast side of town, not too far from where I live and we stop outside of a house that had a bunch of cars parked out in front. Chris hops out of his side once again and grabs his guitar from behind the seat. I open the door to my side and just as I'm about to hop down, he appears and helps me down again. 

"I'm sorry I'm so short..." I giggle.

"I'm sorry my truck is so tall," He laughs. He takes my hand and closes the door for me and we head up to the front door of the house. Chris knocks on the door as we hear loud music coming from behind the door. Chris looks at me while he holds my hand and flashes me a smirk. His hair falls in his face and I want to reach up and brush it behind his ear but the door opens to reveal a tall guy with long black hair and a full beard wearing a black T-Shirt and Ripped jeans.

"Hey Chris!"

"Hey," Chris smiles and lets go of my hand to shake his and they hug quickly.

"Fuck.. come on in," He says and takes a drink of his beer. He stands aside to let Chris through and Chris reaches for my hand to lead me in.

"Sorry... this is Andi...Andi this is Kim," Chris introduces us and Kim extends his hand for me to shake.

"Hi," Kim says sweetly.

"Hi," I say shyly and shake his hand. I tried to push my shyness away but meeting a bunch of people all at the same time can sometimes be overwhelming to me.

"Is everyone just downstairs?" Chris asks as he takes his jacket off and hangs it up by the door.

"Yep," Kim says as he heads to the kitchen to grab another beer.

"Ok... I'm just gonna grab a drink first... would you like a drink babe?" Chris asks me and my heart fluttered a bit.

He just called me 'babe' Oh my god. Why am I excited about that? Probably because he's never called me anything but my name but, ok I need to control myself. 

"Yea sure," I smile at him. He places a kiss on my forehead and then walks into the kitchen to grab us some drinks. I smile to myself and take in a deep breath and then take off my jacket to hang it up beside Chris's.

"Don't worry about your boots... just head downstairs if you want," Kim says to me when he heads out of the kitchen.

"Ok cool," I say shyly as he takes a sip of his freshly opened beer and heads down into the basement. I adjust my shirt a bit and then slowly walk to the kitchen where Chris was. I peak in the doorway and see he was just finishing making us Jack and Cokes. He picks up the glasses and then walks towards me and hands me one. I take a sip of my drink and it was a bit strong but really good. Chris places a kiss on my forehead and leads me back out of the kitchen. Chris grabs his guitar and leads me downstairs into the basement. 

The basement looked like it had been converted into a jam room with the walls covered in soundproofing and various instruments and amps everywhere. The was a sectional couch off to the one side of the room that faced the practice area, and some more studio equipment off in another corner.

"Hey Chris!" Someone calls from behind a drum kit.

"Hey," Chris says and more people greet him as he leads me into the room. 

"This is Andi... Andi that's, Matt, Hiro, Andy, Jeff, and Stone," Chris says as he points to each one. I have no idea how I'm going to remember everyone.

"Hi," They all sort of say at once.

"Hi," I say shyly again as they all smile at me.

"Well Andi... come have a seat," Andy says as he pats the space beside him on the couch. He almost looked like a younger David Lee Roth. Chris lets go of my hand and walks over to set up while I head over to the couch to sit beside Andy.

"You're Chris's roommate right?" I ask him trying to not be so shy.

"Yea... we jam together too. I'm surprised I haven't met you yet... though I was probably over at my girlfriends when you came over," Andy says.

"Yea I think so" I say and take a sip.

"You should meet Xana...She's pretty cool," Jeff chimes in and Chris sort of gives a weird look. I look up at Chris and then back at Andy.

"What?" I ask.

"Chris and Xana don't really get along..." Jeff says. 

"That's not true... I'm fine with her... she just doesn't like me..." Chris says as he slings his guitar around his shoulders. He brought the Cherry burst Gibson, my favourite guitar of his.

"Only cause you pick on her..." Andy says.

"Well... she's easy to pick on... and she can be crazy sometimes... like who fucking breaks a plate through someones T.V?" Chris says to Andy. I raise my eyebrows at Chris in shock and look at Andy.

"We were fighting... she's passionate..." Andy shrugs at me.

"Passionate? More like psychotic..." Chris says. Andy just looks at him.

"Sorry... just... well... I don't know," Chris says and plugs his guitar in the amp. I smirk and raise my eyebrow at Chris as he flips his dark curls out of his face. Chris raises his eyebrow back to me and smirks.

"So... wanna start with 'Hands All Over'?" Kim asks breaking the awkwardness.

"Yea lets do it," Matt exclaims behind the drum kit. As they start to play Andy turns to me and tries to get to know me more.

"So... you're the chick that stole his heart huh?" Andy smiles at me and I nearly choke on my drink as I take a sip.

"Um... I guess... so?" I say nervously.

"Come on, you're all he talks about...He wrote that song for you," Andy says.

"You know about that?" I ask.

"Well yea... well Chris and I write together too... his lyricism is amazing... sometimes I just need his input on something if I'm stuck and he just somehow knows where to go next you know?" Andy says and takes a sip of his beer.

"Yea... he's... he's amazing," I blush. 

Andy and I talk a bit more and soon enough I was already finished with my drink. Andy gets up and takes my glass to go upstairs to get me another which was really sweet of him.

I sit on the couch and turn my attention to Chris and he's so different just playing in front of the guys and me rather than a venue full of people. He so relaxed and not as aggressive. Now I know he does that for performance purposes but to see him just chill is really freaking amazing. I can't stop the butterflies in my stomach and I don't want them to stop. 

Andy still hadn't returned with my drink and I needed to use the washroom, so I wait until Chris finishes and stand up to walk over to him.

"Do you know where the washroom is?" I ask as Chris flips his curls out of his face.

"Uh yea, it's upstairs towards the bedrooms.. down the hall to the right... or... I can just show you," Chris says as he tries to picture it in his head.

"No that's ok... I can find it," I giggle and he smiles at me. He then leans into me and places a kiss on my lips.

"Awe... you two..." Kim says and takes a drink of his beer.

"Shut up," Chris says shyly as I laugh a little. I grab Chris's shirt and kiss him again. Then I pull away as he flips his hair out of his face again and I walk upstairs. As I walk upstairs I can hear Andy in the kitchen and it sounded like he was arguing with a girl. It must be Xana. I decide to just head upstairs towards the washroom as I didn't want to get in the middle of anything. 

As I come back downstairs from the washroom. Andy and Xana were continuing their argument. I still felt extremely awkward hearing the whole thing so I tried to sneak passed to head back into the basement but Andy emerges from the kitchen with Xana following him and yelling.

"Fuck Andy ... just why? Why do you have to do it? Especially without me!"

"Xana! Just forget it ok? Just come downstairs and hang out," Andy exclaims as he turns to face her.

"No, not if Chris is downstairs!" She says.

"Fuck seriously?" Andy says. Suddenly they both see me standing at the bottom of the stairs. 

"I..I'm sorry I didn't mean to interrupt," I say nervously and awkwardly.

"It's ok..." Andy half smiles as me and Xana gives him a look. Andy turns back to Xana and sees her expression.

"Babe, This is Andi... she's with Chris," He explains and her expression eases. Xana doesn't say anything and looks down at her feet. After a few minutes of awkward silence I decide to say something.

"Well... I'm just going to head back downstairs," I say shyly.

"Ok... oh wait... here," Andy says and hands me my drink he made. Xana looks up at him and gives him another weird look.

"Thanks," I say quietly as I take the drink from Andy and head directly downstairs. As I reach the bottom of the stairs I see Chris putting his guitar down and walking over to grab his drink from the coffee table. He flips his hair out of his face as he takes a sip and then sets it back down on the table.

"Is Andy still upstairs?" Chris asks me as I walk over to him.

" Um... yea, he's talking to Xana," I say and take a sip.

"Fuck... she's here already?" Chris says disappointedly.

"Yea..."

Suddenly Andy arrives at the bottom of the stairs with Xana behind him. Xana's expression turns hardened as she sees Chris. Chris just glances at her and then looks at me and half smiles at me. He leans in closer to me and places a kiss on my lips. He then pulls away and moves over to the corner of the couch and sits down with his leg resting across his knee. Chris then gestures for me to sit beside him and I sit as he pulls me closer to him.

I wonder why they don't get along? Not like I'm going to ask right now. Xana didn't seem like she liked the idea of me either. Whatever, I never cared what people thought of me, why should I care now?

"Andy... Stardog Champion?" Jeff asks as he slings his bass over his arm.

"Yea... fuck yea," Andy smiles and gives Xana a quick kiss and then heads over to the Mic. Xana then moves to the opposite side of the couch and sits down. After a few moments, Chris starts to groove a little to Andy's playing and I look up at him and smile. God damn it he's so freaking cute. He catches me looking at him and smiles down at me.

"What?" Chris giggles.

"Nothing..." I say quietly as I look up at him. I wish I could tell him how I feel, but I can't do it here, not with everyone around. He smiles down at me and all of a sudden he reaches over and starts tickling my side.

"Chris! What the fuck!?" I start laughing.

"Nothing," He laughs and continues to tickle me. I start laughing harder and squirm as he continues to torture me.

"Chris! Ok stop! I can't breathe! Stop!" I laugh hysterically as I slowly lay back on the couch to try to get away from him. I can feel Kim looking at us shaking his head and laughing, Hiro just looks at us with a strange look on his face and Xana, well, she just looked disgusted at us, but I didn't care. Chris leans over me as my legs lay across his lap and tickles me still but less intense this time. I giggle and laugh as Chris laughs with me and he decides to stop tickling.

"I hate you," I giggle.

"But you're laughing though," Chris laughs and raises his eyebrow at me.

"Yea... well..." I smirk and try to sit up as Chris sits back in the corner. He holds my legs across him as I lift myself into more of a seated position. 

"Yo Chris... play something..." Andy says as he walks away from the mic.

"Like what?" Chris asks.

"I don't know... anything... play... that song... you wrote it a while ago..." Andy says as he tries to remember and brings an acoustic guitar over to Chris.

"Which one...?" Chris asks confused as he takes the guitar from Andy.

"Um... what was it... Angel... something..." Andy trails off.

"Oh, Angel Of Fire?" Chris says.

"Yes! That's it!" Andy says and smiles. He pats my legs to motion for me to move them and I do as I adjust my dress and sit forward a little. Chris takes the guitar from Andy and sets it across his lap and starts to play. 

"You know it's not... like... finished yet right?" Chris says to Andy as he stops abruptly.

"So..." Andy says.

"Yea.. Chris just play it... I haven't even heard it yet," Kim says.

"Ok...ok," Chris says and starts to play again.

"She stands on her suitcase

And looks out her window at me...

The smile leaves her face,

The mirror don't like what it sees...

So she hides all her secrets...

She's thinking I'll never know

That she burns like an angel

Into her fire she goes...

She don't miss nothing

Even though she pretends she don't see

Everything she's watching

She puts her hand next to me

She says give me one reason

Why I should be here again

But then she blows out the candle

And shows me the reason again.

Cause she loves like an angel

She burns like an angel on fire

On Fire

After the movie,

She walks in the park with a friend.

She tells it to her straight.

He don't mean nothing to me.

She says I can't believe him

If I gave him enough rope he'd hang me.

But when she turns to him

There's no place she'd rather be.

Cause she burns like an angel.

She burns like an angel on fire.

And she's stuck

When she comes on so hot.

And you have never felt

A heavenly slow burn.

I'm so hot,

When I leave her cold,

Frying in her room

Like angels always do.

And you think I love you

Just cause I said so.

Butterflies shiver

She lives all the things that I've known.

She's thinking her diary

Convincing her words as she goes.

She says heaven forgive me

Am I going to pay for my sins?

Cause she burns like an angel

Everytime she lets me in"

Chris finishes and everyone just loves it including me. He's so freaking amazing. I want him.

"See I don't know if I should keep that line 'and you think I love you, just cause I said so'... I feel like it doesn't fit... or something... I don't know..." Chris says as he continues to randomly strum the guitar.

"No dude... keep it," Andy says and lights up a smoke. Chris smirks and continues to randomly strum.

"Yea... ok," Chris says and looks at his hands while he plays. I don't know what came over me but I seriously didn't care who was in the room. I reach up and brush Chris's hair behind his ear and lean in to place a kiss on his temple. I hear him exhale softly as he closes his eyes for a moment and leans his head towards me a little as I touch my forehead to his temple, close my eyes and just breathe him in.


	7. Loud Love

Seattle Washington, January 10 1989

It was getting late and I had to work early in the morning so Chris and I decided to leave. We say our goodbyes to everyone, Kim especially gave me a hug and quietly said to me that he was so happy Chris met me, and how he sees such a difference in him. I have a feeling Kim and I will become close friends. We head out to Chris's truck and he drives me home. He opens the door for me and I jump out of the truck. He takes my hand and walks me to my front door.

"Do you want to come in?" I ask as I pull out my keys and stick them in the door.

"No, it's ok... you've got to get up early for work," He says. I turn and look at him.

"You can still come in though..." I giggle a little. He gives me a half smile.

"Chris... whats wrong?" I ask.

"Nothing... nothing I just... I know you've got to work in the morning so..."He says and flips his hair out of his face. I look up at him a little confused. It looks like he wants to tell me something but he's not sure how.

"Ok.." I say quietly and look down then turn to open the door.

"Fuck..." Chris exhales frustratedly and I turn back to him.

"I'm... horrible at expressing my feeling sometimes... just when I think I can, I freeze up and become all self concious..." He says as he turns away from me. I close the door and look at him. 

"That's why I can get it out in a song better than I can explain it sometimes I guess... I'm just... fuck me..."

"Chris...?" I say quietly. He then turns back to face me and flips his hair out of his face. He stands in front of me in silence just looking into my eyes.

"Andi..." He trails off and I look at him. My heart starts to pound. What is he trying to say?

"I love you... I'm so fucking in love with you... which is scaring the shit out of me..." He confesses and looks down at his feet. My heart was pounding so hard I though it was going to fly out of my chest.

He loves me. Holy fuck! I cannot explain this feeling. I didn't know what to do. Actually I did know what to do. I moved closer to him, grabbed his face and pressed my lips hard to his. I could tell it startled him at first but then he moved his hands to my hips and pulled me into him as I sucked his bottom lip. The feeling that washed over me was something I couldn't explain. I had to tell him. I broke away from his lips and touched my forehead to his.

"I'm so fucking in love with you too..." I breathe. He looks at me and smiles as my eyes were still closed trying to catch my breath. I open my eyes and moved my forehead from his. He looks at me with those beautiful blue eyes and I swear I could loose myself in them forever. He leans back down and presses his lips to mine again, flicking his tongue against my top lip. Our tongues play with each other, battling for dominance but eventually mine wins. He pulls away from me, both of us out of breath. 

"Do you want to come in?" I breathe.

"Uh huh," He breathes and I place my hand on the door as he crashes his lips to mine again. He leads me inside, our lips not breaking away from each other and he kicks my door closed. I break away from his lips and quickly take off my jacket, my plaid shirt and my boots and toss them by the door as he kicks off his boots and tosses his leather jacket somewhere. I smirk at him as he flips his hair out of his face and then crashes his lips back to mine again. I suck his bottom lip as he pulls me closer to him moving me over to the couch. His hands move from my hips down to the bottom of my dress, his fingers trailing up my thighs as I lace my fingers through his hair.

Fuck his hands feel so good on my skin.

He then breaks away from my lips and drops down to sit on the couch in front of me. I quickly but gracefully lift my dress up over my head and let it fall to the floor. 

As I stood there in front of him in my black lacy bra, my black lacy thong panties and my black knee high stockings, he sits forward and trails his fingers up my thighs, to my hips and played with the rim of my panties. He then pulls me closer and presses his lips to my abdomen just above the rim of my panties. I shiver at the feel of his lips as he softly brushes them across me. 

"You're so beautiful..." He says with his lips against my skin.I close my eyes and exhale as he gently pulls down my panties over my hips and they drop to the floor at my feet. His lips move down to my core and his fingers trail slowly to find my clit and he softly begins to stroke. My breath hitches for a moment as he holds me against him. Dear fucking god his lips feel like heaven. He stops for a moment and I feel slightly disappointed.

"Lay down babe..." He says as he pats the space beside him on the couch. Lost in the moment, I try, as gracefully as I can, move beside him and lay down on the couch as he shifts himself beside me. I rest my head on the arm of the couch with a pillow and close my eyes. I don't know why but I suddenly felt a pang of nervousness along with anticipation of what he is about to do to me. He carefully positions my legs to accommodate him and as I try to pull down my stockings, he stops me.

"No... leave them on..." Chris says as he raises his eyebrow at me. I raise my eyebrow back at him and smirk as he moves himself into the perfect position. He removes his shirt up over his head and tosses it on to the floor as his dark curly hair falls down around his shoulders. He flips his hair out of his face and then gently trails his lips up my thigh. I take in a deep breath and close my eyes. He moves his lips higher up my thigh and eventually reaches my core once again. I let out a soft moan as his lips find my clit and I grip the back of the couch. His tongue flicks at my clit as his fingers gently tease around the outside of my slit. I throw my head back as he hits all the right spots.

"Chris... fuck... that... feels... so fucking good," I breathe in between his licks. I have no idea how he is able to do this to me, but I can feel myself growing wetter with each flick of his tongue. He inserts his finger inside me and slowly penetrates in a rhythmic motion. I bite my bottom lip as he continues to work me, inserting another finger and stroking my sweet spot. I let out a squeal in pure pleasure as he moves his one hand up to reveal my clit more for him and he begins to suck, ever so gently. 

"Fuck... oh god..." I pant as he moans against me a little, then breaks his lips away from my clit to replace them with his fingers. He continues his various rubbing patterns as he looks up at me to see my head thrown back and me gripping the couch. I let out another squeal as he replaces his fingers with his lips once again and flicks his tongue against my clit, sending waves of electricity through my whole body. Suddenly I feel my muscles contract deep within me and I can't hold back any longer. 

"Chris... I'm gonna cum...fuck...yes...!" I warn as he continues to suck my clit and I feel everything inside me pour out all over him as I scream out in pure intense pleasure. He moves away from me for a moment and quickly rips his shorts down and they slump to the floor. He moves back over to me and begins to stroke my clit with his fingers.

"God damn you are so fucking sexy baby," Chris says as he continues to play with me. I cover my face in my hands as I didn't want him to look at me. I don't know what's happening to me but I start to cry. Chris looks up at me and stops stroking me with a concerned look on his face. 

"Baby... are you ok? Did I hurt you?" Chris says as he sounds like he's panicking as he leans over me. I wipe my tears off my face and sit up a little.

"No... no you didn't hurt me," I say as a few more tears fall but I wipe them away. He still looks confused at me.

"I don't know why I'm crying... I've never... felt like this before... That was really intense," I say and cover my face again. I can still feel him looking at me and I desperately feel like I want to turn away from him. This Is really scary. I have never fallen in love with anyone like this before.

"I don't want you to look at me..." I say in my hands.

"Babe... it's ok... I was just worried I hurt you or something...hey...don't hide from me," He says as he pulls my hands away from my face and kisses the back of my hands. I close my eyes and he leans into me and presses his lips to mine. He places his hands on my hips as I reach up to lace my fingers through his hair and he pulls me into him. He sits back on the couch and I move myself to straddle him without taking my lips off of him. His fingers trail from my hips to my lower back and up to unclasp my bra and he gently moves the straps off my shoulders. I let go of his hair and let him take my bra off of me and he tosses it aside. As I suck his bottom lip, his hands move to my sides and to each breast and he gently caresses each one as he plays with my nipples. I pull away from his lips and he turns his attention to my nipple, placing his lips around it and flicking with his tongue. 

"Oh my god... you are so good at that," I breathe as he continues to suck and flick my nipple with his tongue. I move my hands to his toned chest to steady myself as I feel him tease my clit with the tip of his penis. I close my eyes and bite my bottom lip as he rubs me, asking for permission to enter. At this point I need him inside me and I didn't want to wait anymore. I lower myself down on to him as his lips break away from my nipple and I take in a deep breath, feeling the length of him inside me. He looks up at me as I exhale loudly and begin to move my hips in a rhythm he adored to see my reaction to. The feeling of him inside me sent shivers all over my body. I moved slowly at first and then as I became adjusted to his size, he began to respond to my movements, thrusting ever so slowly but sensual. As I begin to pick up the pace a little bit, he moves his one hand from my hips and up my torso and stops just between my breasts to feel my heart pounding. 

"Look at me baby..." He pants. I open my eyes and look down at him as his blue eyes lock with mine. I cover his hand on my chest with mine and I slowly move his hand down my torso and lead him to my clit. With his eyes locked on mine I guide him, showing him just how I like it. Suddenly without much warning I feel my muscles contract just like before and I feel as if I'm about to go over the edge. 

"Chris... I'm gonna cum..." I pant.

"Yes baby... just let it go..." He coaxes as He keeps his eyes locked to mine. I then feel myself release my orgasm all over him as I cry out in pure ecstasy. He moves his hand up to my face and pulls me down to him and crashes his lips to mine. Our mouths move together as our tongues play with each other, battling for dominance, this time he won. I pull my lips away from him and touch my forehead to his as his brow furrows as he looks at me.

"Fuck, I'm gonna cum," He whimpers.

"Fuck, yes," I pant as he cries out and releases his orgasm inside me. He wraps his arms around me and holds me to him as he moves his head and buries his face in my shoulder. I wrap my arms around him and hold him to me as I try to catch my breath. 

"Oh my god... fuck... that was so fucking good..." He pants as he tries to catch his breath. He pulls himself out of me and then leans back against the couch again and looks up at me. With my breathing returning to normal, I brush some of his hair that had matted to his face with sweat as he closes his eyes and breathes deeply. 

I place a kiss on his damp forehead and he grins with his eyes still closed. He opens his eyes to look at me and in one movement he moves me and lays me down on the couch. I let out a slight squeal and giggle as I wasn't expecting it at all. 

"Where are you going?" I ask as he gets up off the couch.

"You'll see," He says and walks into the bathroom. I quickly remove my stockings and toss them aside as he comes back out with a towel to clean himself off a little bit, then uses the towel to clean me up a little too. I giggle as it feels like he's tickling me. He laughs a little and then grabs the blanket that is laying on the arm of the couch, lays down on top of me in between my legs, his hair tickling me as he attempts to get comfortable, and pulls the blanket up over us. Chris then lays his head down on my stomach as I thread my fingers through his curls and close my eyes. This is the most comfortable spot I've ever been in.

"I swear... this is the best part... right here with you," He says quietly as I play with his hair.

"I have never felt more relaxed than I do right now," I mumble. It was almost hard to speak I was so relaxed. We lay with each other for a few moments as I feel him begin to breathe slowly and deeply. I open my eyes for a quick second and see that he is fast asleep on me. I smile to myself and continue to play with his hair as I lay my head back down and close my eyes. 

"I love you Chris..." I say quietly, more to myself than to him.

"I love you," Chris mumbles in his sleep which makes me smile to myself. As I play with his hair, I eventually fall into one of the best sleeps I've had in a very long time.


	8. The Know Theatre

Portland, Oregon  
January 30, 1989

It was a few weeks later and Soundgarden had gotten a gig at The Rainbow Tavern in California. I was so freaking happy for them since they had gotten a major label deal with A&M records and they finished recording their first major label debut for A&M a few weeks ago. They had started a little mini tour, up and down the west coast to test out the new material, then eventually Chris told me that they would be possible expanding their tour schedule, depending how successful the record does. I honestly think it's going to be amazing! Chris had played me a few rough cuts of the album, sort of like an early release, though the album wasn't due to be out until the fall. Soundgarden was still sort of under contract to fulfill their obligation to SST records so they were touring and promoting Ultramega OK still until the contract runs out in July, though they still featured some newer tracks off the album for A&M called Louder Than Love. 

Chris had asked me to come out to California with him as he didn't want to be away from me for so long. I thought it was the sweetest thing and I was lucky enough to be able to book off some time from work to travel with him. I had never taken any vacation since I started at the clothing store and my boss was really accommodating to let me have some time off. They didn't have a budget yet for a tour bus so all they had were 2 Large carry Vans, one to haul all of their gear and one for the band. I had no idea how I was going to travel with them but I hope the band will be fine with me going.

I had just finished packing what I would need. I try to pack lightly, cause I hate carrying things around with me. I carried my suitcase to the door and then went back into my bedroom to finish getting dressed to go. Chris was picking me up in a little bit so we could get a head start on the road.

I decided to leave my hair down and curly, I threw on my Aerosmith T-Shirt that I had finally cut to style it, just like my Dead Kennedy's T-Shirt, the one Chris wrote on the inside of. I'm so glad his message never washed out. Then I threw on a pair of ripped skinny jeans, my silver studded belt, my silver studded wrist cuff and my Doc Marten's.

I finished styling my hair as best I could, I really hate curly hair on me, it never sits right which is why I just put it up in a bun, and then I head out to the living room. I make sure everything is turned off so that when Chris gets here, I can just head out the door with him. I grab my jacket with all my band patches on it, and set it on my suitcase. Suddenly there was a knock at my door. Without looking through the peephole I just open the door and see Chris as he flips his hair out of his face. 

"Hi babe," He says so sweetly.

"Hi," I smile at him as he steps towards me and presses his lips immediately to mine. I move my hands up to either side of his face as his lips move with mine. We hadn't seen each other in a couple of days so I was really excited to see him. He attempted to pull away from me but I wouldn't let him and he giggled against my lips as I held him to me. He smelled so fucking good, the mixture of his leather jacket and his cologne just drove me crazy. I started to suck his bottom lip as he pulled me into him and his tongue flicked at my top lip. Fuck I want him so bad right now. He then pulls away from me and I touch my lips where he kissed me.

"Well that... was... um... Hi," He says as he tries to come back down to earth.

"Sorry... you just smell so good and... um... Hi," I say slightly dazed and he laughs a little. He moves towards me again and places a kiss on my forehead.

"You ready?" He asks with his lips against my forehead.

"Yep... I'm good to go," I say and he moves over to my suitcase.

"Ok... I'll just stick this in the van..." He says as he lifts up my suitcase and I take my jacket off it. He turns and walks down the steps and sets my suitcase in the van, I grab my bag and check and my jacket and walk out and lock the door behind me. As I walk down the steps, I see Chris walk around to the passenger side and he opens the door for me. I set my bag and my jacket in first and climb in and he closes the door for me. He looked so cute in his Saint Vitus band T-Shirt with his ripped jeans and Doc Martens and well of course his leather jacket. He flips his hair out of his face and walks around to the driver side and hops in. 

"Ok... so I need a coffee, how bout you?" He asks as he starts up the van.

"Um... yea sure," I say as I adjust my seatbelt. He reaches across me into the glovebox and pulls out a pack of smokes. He takes one out and tosses the pack back in the glovebox and lights it up. He rolls down his window so he doesn't smoke me out. He squints his eyes a little as he takes a drag of his smoke and then we start to pull away from the curb. 

"Is it just me you're picking up...?" I ask.

"Yea... Matt is driving the other van with Hiro and Kim. They have all the gear in the back of that one since that van is bigger," He says and puffs his smoke.

"Where are we headed to?" I ask.

"Well... coffee first, then heading to Portland, we have a small gig tonight at a place called The Know and we're just staying at a hotel just around the corner from there..." He says.

"Oh... ok..." I say a little uneasy.

"What?" He says and glances at me.

"Oh nothing... I just hope I brought enough clothes with me..." I say as I look behind me into the back of the van.

"Oh... don't worry babe... if you run out we can go to a laundry mat or... get you some more... no biggie," He says as we pull up to a stop light.

"Can you tell I've never done this before?" I laugh a little.

"It's ok," He laughs a little with me. He takes another drag of his smoke and reaches his other hand over to me and laces his fingers through mine. I lean towards him a little and kiss the back of his hand. He glances at me and smiles.

"I love you," He says.

"I love you," I say and kiss his hand again, then let go so that he can drive. We drive for a bit in silence and then I remember I brought a few cassettes with me in my bag. 

"Do you care if I put on some tunes?" I ask as I reach down in my bag.

"No, go ahead... I was wondering why it was so quiet... fuck," He laughs and I laugh as well.

I pull out a cassette and push it into the tape deck in front of me. After a bit of silence at the start of the tape, the first song begins. I wait as the first track starts and Chris gives a questionable look at the stereo. He looks at me and then back at the road and takes the last drag of his smoke. 

"What is this?" He asks as he butts the smoke out into the ashtray.

"Unsuccessfully Coping with the Natural Beauty of Infidelity," I look at him and smirk.

"What?" He laughs at me, as the track continues to play.

"Well actually it's Anorganic Transmutogenesis... the first part anyways," I smirk.

"What are you talking about?" Chris laughs.

"Type O Negative," I say. He still looks at me confused as we come up to a stop light.

"Let me see," He says as he gestures for me to hand him the case. He looks at it and I smile at him. After he looks it over, he looks at me and hands it back.

"You know... I thought I was into some obscure music... but I swear you are like an encyclopedia or something of underground music... or something..." He says and I giggle.

"Well they aren't that obscure, it's Peter Steele's band after Carnivore," I say.

"See... ? Carnivore?" He laughs and I giggle.

"Ok for someone who's into hardcore like Black Flag... I'm surprised you never heard of Carnivore," I say.

"Well maybe I have... but... fuck... you know... I've never known a girl who was into this type of stuff... and especially stuff even I've never heard before like... Behemoth and Mayhem and... Immortal...." He says as the light turns green.

"Maybe that's because... you were with all the wrong girls..." I joke.

"I was..." He says and I look at him.

"My first girlfriend was fucking crazy... she hated the fact that all I wanted to do was play in a band, which didn't make sense cause that's how I met her... There was this one time... I don't even know how it started... she came over, this was when I still lived at home...we were fighting and we were in my kitchen and I don't know what set her off but she stabbed me right in my hand with a kitchen knife..." He says as he looks at the road.

"What?" I say shocked.

"Yea... fucking all out stabbed me... I think I was like 15 when that happened...That's where that scar came from..." He says as he shows me the back of his right hand. 

"Oh my god..." I say as I brush my fingers across the back of his hand.

"Did you tell anyone?" I look at him.

"Fuck no," He says as he looks at the road.

"I got her to leave and I just wrapped up my hand myself and let it heal... I broke up with her after that... well I just avoided her all together... she eventually got the point" He says.

"Your mom didn't notice?" I ask.

"Nope... either I was really good at hiding it or she was too busy with my younger sisters to care...I tend to think it was the latter..." He says. I suddenly felt sad for him. How could a parent not know or care that something is wrong with their child?

"I'm sorry..." I say quietly.

"It's ok... that was like 10 years ago... I'm over it now," He laughs a little to lighten the mood. 

We made a quick stop for coffee on the way out of town and continued on to Portland which was about a 2 hour drive from Seattle. We eventually find our way to The Know, I am particularly good with a map, and check in at the hotel that was just around the corner. As we check in at the front desk, the receptionist lets us know that Kim and Matt arrived just a few minutes before us and for Chris and I to meet in the dinning area once we drop our luggage off. We head upstairs to the room, drop our stuff off and then we head downstairs to the dinning room area. Chris takes my hand and we walk into the dinning area and see Kim and Matt sitting in one if the booth tables but Hiro is nowhere to be seen.

"Hey," Chris says as we walk up to them.

"Hey Chris," Kim says and Matt smiles.

"Hi Andi," Kim smiles at me.

"Hi," I smile back.

"Where's Hiro?" Chris asks concerned.

"Uh well he decided to travel here on his own... he was supposed to meet us here about a half hour ago," Matt explained.

"What... the fuck?," Chris says quietly but slightly stressed. He looks around the dinning room and back towards the entrance.

"Chris, have a drink, he'll be here," Kim says.

"Uh... yea... um, I'll be back in a minute," Chris says and gives me a quick kiss on my temple and heads off towards the the bar.

I stand there a bit confused and Kim smiles at me. I think he could tell I felt a little awkward.

"Have a seat,"Kim says and I sit down across from him.

"Is it ok that I'm here?" I ask as I adjust myself.

"Fuck, of course," Kim says.

"Yea It's cool... don't worry," Matt chimes in.

"Chris just... well... he'll be fine... he just wants everything to go smoothly," Kim says and I nod. Chris comes back with a Jack and Coke for me and a beer for him and sits down beside me.

"So... I guess we'll just go over the setlist for tonight... and just fill Hiro in when he gets here?" Kim says.

"Uh...yea sure," Chris says as he takes a sip of his beer. Matt pulls out a paper with a marker as the discuss what they want to play and how the flow will go. 

"We have sound check in a little bit don't we?" Chris asks.

"Yea in about an hour I think," Kim says as Matt passes him the paper with the set list.

"Fuck, he better show up soon," Chris says as he shakes his leg and takes a sip of his beer. I reach over and give him a gentle back rub to help him calm down a little. Kim downs the last of his beer and gets up to go to the bar to get another and Matt heads off to the washroom leaving Chris and I at the table.

"You ok?" I ask.

"Yea... yea I'm fine... it's just... he's been doing this a lot lately... either being really late or not showing up for soundcheck at all," Chris says as he takes a sip of his beer.

"Have you talked to him about it?" I ask.

"I've been trying to but he's never around when we all get in a room together to talk," Chris says as Kim and Matt return. We all sit and converse for a bit while we wait for Hiro but he never showed up. After a bit they decide they need to get ready for soundcheck so we all head over to the venue across the street. 

We walk in the venue from the back way in and head directly backstage for Matt, Kim, and Chris to set up. The was a huge sort of dressing room where I was able to wait for Chris as they set up. I still felt awkward like I was in the way or something but I sat down on one of the couches in the dressing room while I wait. A few moments later Chris comes back in the room.

"Hey, come on out with me... you don't have to hide in here," He smiles at me. I smile at him and walk over to him.

"I know.. I just... I don't want to get in the way..." I say apprehensively.

"Baby... you're not in the way...Come on... come hang out..." He says as he places a kiss on my forehead, takes my hand, and leads me out to the stage area. I stand towards the back of the stage while Chris and everyone just jam and make sure everything is working alright. It was actually pretty cool to see from this side of the stage. 

A bit later, Hiro finally shows up and walks up on stage for the end of soundcheck. Chris gives Hiro a look that wasn't exactly a happy look as He strapped his bass on. They continued for a little bit longer with the soundcheck and then decided to break for dinner. Kim and Matt wanted to grab some food at a different place while Chris wanted to take me out somewhere else so we decided and just a restaurant just down the street. As we eat, Chris is particularly quiet which is normal but he's not usually this quiet. I try to talk to him to lighten the mood but I can tell he's upset about Hiro being late and not really apologizing for it. Anyways, after we eat we head back over to the venue and hang out for a little bit at the bar before their performance. Eventually Chris starts to lighten up with me a little as I try to make him laugh being my silly self. He just gives me a weird look and then smirks at me and eventually he starts laughing along with me. I like him better when he's happy and I'm glad I'm able to do that.

It was then time for them to go up on stage as The Know filled up with more people. I head backstage with Chris and watch their performance from the side stage. Hiro was late again which really pissed off Chris, Kim was also a little annoyed but not as mad as Chris, but they play through their set flawlessly. They finish their set and head backstage as Chris runs up to me and presses his lips to mine. He was now shirtless with just his ripped jeans and sweatier than anything. God I want him. He pulls away from me and takes my hand as he grabs a towel to dab the sweat off of himself. I follow him back to the dressing room and he grabs me a drink from the little mini bar fridge, hands it to me and gives me another quick kiss on my lips as the rest of the guys pile into the room. 

"Fuck... that was awesome!" Kim says as Matt and Hiro follow in behind him. Chris turns away from me and walks over to the couches and sets his beer down on the coffee table.

"So... what happened?" Chris asks Hiro, his tone is not impressed.

"What do you mean?" Hiro asks.

"What the fuck happened?" Chris asks a little more angrily.

"Chris... what are talking about?" Hiro asks defensively.

"Where the hell were you tonight?" Chris says, still in an angry tone. I stood near the door as they start to argue. Kim and Matt just stay silent. 

"Nowhere... I got here didn't I? Yea I was late but fuck man... at least I still showed up," Hiro takes a sip of his beer.

"You've been doing this a lot lately... even with the record... I mean... a lot of that shit fell on me... It's like you're pulling away man... what the fuck is it?" Chris asks frustratedly.

"Ok fuck I guess we'll do this here... I don't want to do this anymore. I thought this was just a band for something to do man... I hate touring around, living out of a suitcase for 8 or 9 months out of the year. I hate the fact you have to take your shirt off in every single fucking performance. This wasn't what it's was supposed to be about man... I hate being away from my girlfriend... I want to go back to school...I just... I'm done man... I'm done," Hiro confessed.

The look on Chris's face said it all. He looked extremely heartbroken. Chris knew he couldn't force anyone to do this, you have to want it. Chris flipped his hair out of his face, took a huge drink of his beer, practically downing the whole thing, slammed it down on the coffee table and stormed passed me out of the room. 

"Are you serious man?" Kim asks.

"Yea man... I'm serious... I'm done," Hiro says and grabs his jacket from the chair.

"Wait... are you leaving now?" Matt asks.

"Yea... yea I'm leaving," Hiro says. Kim and Matt just look at each other and Hiro walks passed me giving me a blank look and then walks out the door. After a few minutes I down my drink and I walk out the door and down the hall in the direction Chris went but I don't see him anywhere. I walk out the back door into the cool night air and still don't see him anywhere. As I look around the parking lot, I finally see him sitting in the van, still shirtless, with music blasting but muffled as the windows were rolled up. As I walk closer to the van, I hear Type O Negative coming through a little more clearly as Chris sits in the drivers side looking down. He puffs a smoke and glances up for a second to see me walking towards him and gives me a half smile, then rolls down the window and turns the music down a bit. 

"Hi,"I say cutely.

"Hi baby," He says sweetly when I come up to the drivers side door.

"You ok?" I ask quietly. He takes another drag of his smoke, exhales away from me and looks out the windshield.

"Yea... no... I don't know," He says and looks down. I look at him and didn't know if I should tell him that Hiro left. I decide to anyway.

"Hiro... walked out," I say quietly as I look down and play with the door handle. He looks at me.

"What?" Chris asks flatly. I look up at him and he turns away and looks out the windshield again. Then in a burst of anger, he kicks the van door and punches the steering wheel, making me flinch.

"Fuck me! Fuck!" He exclaims. This was the first time I've ever seen him angry and I don't know if I like it.

"What the fuck are we going to do now?" He says and takes a puff of his smoke to try to calm down. I didn't know what to say as he butts out his smoke and then rubs his forehead to try to think of something.

"I don't know Chris..." I say as I look at him. After a few minutes, he looks at me and I can see him trying to half smile. I grin at him back.

"I love you," I say quietly. I still didn't know what to say. This is a shitty situation.

"I love you," He says to me and exhales loudly. 

"Do you wanna head back to the hotel?" He asks.

"Sure," I say. He opens the van door and I move as he steps out.

"I'm just gonna say goodbye to Kim and Matt, if you wanted to hop in the van, I feel like I should apologize to them for walking out like that...and I left guitar in there," He says as he laughs a little

"Ok..." I say and laugh a little with him. He leans into me and places a kiss on my lips and I happily respond to him. He pulls away from me and touches his forehead to mine for a moment, then walks back towards the back entrance as I head around to the passenger side of the van and climb in. A little bit later, Chris walks out of the building, this time with his Saint Vitus band shirt on and his leather jacket. He flips his hair out of his face which I swear, makes me melt every time he does that, and hops in the drivers side and sets his guitar in the back. 

"How'd it go?" I ask as he closes the door.

"They're ok... were all kind of upset about Hiro... I really didn't want him to leave like that... I wish he would've told me or said something to either of us about how he was feeling instead of just pulling away like that. I mean... This is what I always wanted to do... I always wanted to make music no matter what it took... I mean I don't care about fame at all I just wanted to do what I love... and I love making music... as stressful as it can be, it's the only thing I know I'm good at, that I can't see myself doing anything else. I worked in the worst places just to buy guitar strings so I could play. I remember working in a restaurant in the kitchen, so hot you want to die just so I could buy my first guitar... I just can't imagine doing anything else, and man the reactions that I get from the audience... when we get them really going... That shit is amazing... it's like one big energy ball full of anger, lust, love, hate, just all in one room," He says as he looks down at himself then out the windshield. 

This is why I love him. He so amazing, I've never met anyone like him before. I reach over and brush his hair behind his ear revealing his small silver hoop earring. 

"I just don't know what we're gonna do now... we have a gig at The Cattle Club tomorrow and now we have no bass player... we have a couple of interviews to but Kim and I usually can handle that no problem..." He says as he looks down again.

"I'm sorry... I have no idea what to say..." I say as I still play with his hair.

"You don't have to say anything... I'm just glad you're here with me and just listening to me ramble on," He looks at me and gives me a half smile.

"I wish I could help you though... I wish I knew a bass player," I say and he laughs a little.

"It's ok babe... we'll figure something out... I mean if it comes down to it, our bass tech guy can fill in," He says and looks back at me. He takes my hand that was playing with his hair and places a kiss on the back of my hand. His lips are so soft it sends chills all over me. I have no idea how he makes me feel this way but I am so in love with him.


	9. I'm The Beast And You're the Master

Sacramento, California   
January 31, 1989

The next morning, we had to get up early to make it for a small show in Sacramento California at The Cattle Club. It was an 8 hour drive so we had to leave at 7am. After just getting to sleep at like 1am the night before, I'm used to not sleeping but Chris was definitely a little groggy getting up. We pack up our things quickly and head out of the hotel. We pile ourselves in the van and head out to find some much needed coffee before we leave town. Chris is so cute when he's sleepy, He just rolled out of bed and threw on some black track pants with the 90 logo on them, his Spiral Nirvana tank top and threw his hair back in a half ponytail. I wanted to take a really quick shower so I didn't feel half as sleepy and I just threw on a Led Zepplin T-Shirt with my skinny ripped jeans, threw my hair up in a messy loose bun with my classic Doc Martens.

We grab some coffee from a local coffee shop and head out of town towards Sacramento.

"Tunes?" I ask Chris as I take a sip of my coffee.

"Fuck yea... I need to wake up," Chris yawns and I smile at him. I take out a cassette from my bag and put it in the deck and turn it up a little.

"Fuck... yes Aerosmith!" Chris says and turns it up even more. I look over at him as he starts to tap the steering wheel to the opening track on 'Get Your Wings' and giggle a little at him.

"What?" He smiles at me.

"Nothing... you're just cute," I giggle and take a sip of my coffee.

"I'm trying to wake the fuck up... god damn I'm still sleepy," He yawns.

We drive for a long time while I do my best to guide him with the map we have, and we make a stop for some food at a diner on the highway. It was so funny how he kept joking that it was like a horror movie stopping there to eat since it was in the middle of nowhere. After we break to eat we head back out on the road and continue our way to The Cattle Club. 

We eventually arrive in Sacramento and make our way to The Cattle Club and make reservations at the Hotel just across the street. Chris and the guys always try to get a hotel as close to the venue as possible so they don't have to lug everything around as much. We check in at the hotel and once again meet with Kim and Matt in the hotel bar area for them to figure out the setlist. I decide to stay in the room, as I did want a little nap.

•••

Chris walks down to the hotel bar and sees Kim and Matt sitting at the bar.

"Hey," Chris says as he walks up to grab a seat.

"Yo," Kim says and Matt nods. Chris orders a beer while Matt pulls out some paper to come up with a set list.

"So... how about starting with 'Flower'?" Chris says.

"Cool... ok Flower, then maybe Hands All Over... I think they transition well into each other..." Matt says as Chris and Kim agree. They continue on coming up with the list but had to modify it a bit and take out 'Circle of Power' as Hiro was the one who did vocals on that track, but they were able to come up with a good list. 

"Did you hear anything about getting someone to fill in for Hiro?" Chris asks.

"Uh... no... I called Susan but, she still hasn't heard anything back for his temp replacement... we might just have to ask Mike to do it," Kim says. (Mike is their bass tech)

"Damn..." Chris says and takes a sip of his beer.

"Yea... this sucks... but hey... Mike knows all the material so he would be good choice for now and he said he'd do it if we were really stuck," Matt says.

"Cool..." Chris says. They talk a little bit more about how the show is going to go tonight, They don't have a soundcheck to do since it's only a small club. 

"So... you and Andi doing ok?" Kim asks.

"Yea... yea she's amazing," Chris's face lights up as soon as Kim says her name.

"Good... I can tell...I'm glad you brought her along... she's good for you man," Kim says and takes a sip of his beer. 

"I didn't think you were ever going to get out of that funk after Susan," Kim says.

"Me either honestly... but Andi... she's so different... I've never had anyone love me the way she does..." Chris says and takes a sip of his beer.

"That's awesome man..." Kim smiles at him. 

"Well I think I'm gonna head back up to the room. I need to get a bit of sleep... meet up at the club in a few hours?" Chris says after a few moments.

"Yea... lets meet around 7pm," Matt says.

"Cool... see you all in a bit," Chris says after he downs the rest his beer.

"See ya in a bit," Kim says and downs his and then Chris heads upstairs. 

•••

Laying facedown on the pillow, on the bed in just my bra and black lacy panties, with the covers pulled up just to my hips, I feel movement on the bed beside me as I come out of my sleep. A warm soft hand touches my lower back and slightly startles me a little. I moan a little and I hear Chris giggle a little. I then feel him lean down to me and feel his lips place soft kisses up my back. I move a little and moan as he move his fingers up to my bra and unclasps the hook, trailing his soft lips between my shoulder blades. His hair falling down around me, cold and damp, The smell of him makes my heart skip a beat. 

"You awake baby?" He says low in my ear and I breathe in deeply as he kisses my earlobe.

"No," I joke.

"Wanna play?" He whispers as he kisses my earlobe and moves my bra straps over my shoulders. The sound of those words instantly turn me on. I shift my self underneath him and roll over on my back to face him taking the rest of my bra off and it falls onto the floor. He presses his lips to mine and as soon as his lips touch me, I instantly feel chills all over my body. His tongue flicks at my top lip asking for entrance. I open my mouth and it becomes a battle for dominance. I reach up and thread my fingers through his damp curly hair and he breaks away from my lips to softly trail them down my chest, to my breast, taking my nipple into his mouth and nipping ever so gently with his teeth. I arch my back to him as I take in a deep breath. He moves down even lower, as I let go of his hair, trailing his lips down my torso but stopping just at the rim of my panties. 

"God that... feels so good..." I breathe. His fingers play with the rim of my panties and then he pulls them down over my hips and tosses them on the floor. He moves his hands back up my thighs and moves my legs apart as he softly kisses me. I take in another deep breath as I anticipate what he is about to do to me. His hands move to my core, and he gently spreads me apart to reveal myself to him. My breath hitches as his lips make contact with my clit, his tongue circling and flicking all at the same time.

"Jesus fuck..." I breathe out and bite my lip to stifle my cry a bit. His lips then slowly begin to suck my clit while his fingers caress around the outside of me. I begin to move my hips a little responding to him and I reach up above my head and grip the head board. He inserts his fingers inside me and slowly but firmly begins to pump them in and out. I take in another deep breath as he breaks his lips away from my clit for a moment, replacing them with his thumb and rubbing in a way he adored to see my reaction to. 

"Fuck... baby... you are so fucking sexy..." He growls as he turns me into a moaning mess. I start to pant between my moans as he continues to work me, replacing his thumb with his lips once more and sucking my clit to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. 

"Oh God... Chris... I'm gonna cum," I warn and as soon as those words left my lips I expel my orgasm all over him, gripping the headboard as hard as I could and screaming. He moves away from me as I keep my eyes closed, panting and trying to catch my breath. He moves up on to the bed as I open my eyes to look at him. He kneels in between my legs and I reach to him to grip my hand around his extremely erect shaft. Dear fucking god he is huge. I lift myself up into a seated position with him still kneeling between my legs and eagerly take the tip of him into my mouth and begin to suck. 

"Shit... that feels so good," He groans as I move my hand up and down while circling my tongue around his tip. My other hand moves up to his toned flat stomach as I feel him begin to thrust into me. I continue to pump my hand up and down as I firmly suck while I work him.

"Holy fuck..." He exhales as he throws his head back and tries to not thrust too hard. I move my hand from his stomach and around to his back and then to his butt to hold him to me. I stop sucking for a moment and then lick his entire shaft from the base to the tip. 

"Andi... oh... fuck..." He whimpers as I return to the tip and place my lips on him fully once again. I flick my tongue against all of his sensitive spots as I start to feel him become tense. He moans in between his panting as I continue to suck him.

"I'm gonna cum... shit...I'm gonna-" He cuts himself off with his cry of pure intense pleasure as I suck the salty substance, spilling into my mouth. I swallow it as fast as I can and move my mouth away from him. As I look up at him, his head still thrown back, his arms slightly raised with his hands in a fist.

I move my hand over his stomach soothing him through the end of his orgasm as he collapses down to sit on his heels and falls forward slightly. His expression in a complete daze as he tries to open his eyes to look at me. I smile at him thinking that it's all me who got him into this state. He leans in and crashes his lips to mine as I lace my fingers through his hair. He leans me back down on the bed, his lips never breaking away from mine. I feel his length in between my legs, still so hard as he lays down on top of me. 

"Fuck me baby," I say against his lips and he happily obliges. I wrap my legs around him and he inserts himself inside me. The first thrust sends shivers all over my body causing me to gasp for air. He breaks away from my lips and looks at me, his brow furrows as I throw my head back and move my hips to adjust to his size. He thrusts into me slowly and sensually as he softly places fleeting kisses down my throat.

"I love the way you feel inside me," I moan as he starts to pick up the pace. He moans with me as he continues to thrust, now firm but still so sensual.

"Fuck... you are so... fucking... beautiful," He breathes in between his thrusts. I raise my arms above my head and grip the head board as I hold my breath and close my eyes, concentrating on him being inside me. I move my hips to match his rhythm as he wraps his arms around me. His lips move to my ear which send even more chills all over my body, his breath hot and heavy in my ear.

"Chris I'm so close... I'm so close for you," I pant.

"Let it go baby," He breathes and as soon as those words leave his lips I cry out as my orgasm covers him completely. A few seconds later, he cries out with me as I feel his orgasm spill inside me. I feel the weight of him collapse on top of me as he continues to pant. With his chest pressed against mine, I can feel his heart pounding along with mine. 

We lay with each other for a few moments and then he lifts his head up to look at me, his hair strewn across his face. I let go of the headboard and brush his hair out of his face to look at him. He presses his lips to mine and I start to suck his bottom lip. He then pulls away from me and shifts himself to move off of me. The bed creaks a bit as he collapses down beside me letting out an extremely satisfied sigh.

"Come here," He breathes as he motions for me to move closer to him. He draws me into his arms as I snuggle into his chest, his hair spilling across his chest. I reach up and play with the curls of his hair as I hear him begin to breathe slow and deep. 

"I love you so fucking much," He mumbles.

"I love you... so fucking much..." I reply and he smirks.

"You are the most amazing thing in my life... I'm so fucking happy you are here with me... right here in my arms... I don't know what I would do without you..." He mumbles as I suddenly have this overwhelming urge to cry, but I fight it. I've never had anyone love me the way he does and I don't ever want this feeling to go away. As I listen to the sound of his breathing I myself slowly fall back into a deep sleep.


	10. The Cattle Club

Sacramento California, January 31 1989

A couple of hours later, I wake up to reach over to find Chris no longer with me in bed, but a little note left where he was sleeping. 

Hi beautiful,

Went to the Cattle Club Early to set up, head on over whenever you're ready

You are so beautiful sleeping I didn't want to wake you

Love, Chris 

I smile at the note and smush my head back into the pillow. I then decide to get up, take and extremely quick shower, then throw my hair up in a messy bun and try to figure out what to wear. I decide to go with my black skinny ripped jeans with some band patches that I had added myself to the legs of the jeans, my silver studded belt, my Doc Martens, and a Type O Negative shirt I had found at a thrift store that Chris and I stopped at along our way to Sacramento. But I wanted to cut it up and style it like I do with my other shirts so I found a pair of scissors and quickly did some modifications. I made the back of it look laced up and cut the collar and sleeves to turn it into a loose but fitted tank top. The front of the shirt had the Type O Negative logo with a photo of Kenny, Josh, Peter and Johnny and in quotes at the bottom 'none more negative'.

I threw on my black lacy bra and then the shirt and you could see my bra through the sides and the back and it looked so fucking cool. Sometimes I wonder if I should just make clothes for a living. I threw on my silver studded wrist cuff and my leather jacket, spritzed some perfume, Chris's favourite, and headed out the door across the street to The Cattle Club. 

I get inside The Cattle Club and head directly to the bar. There were tons of people already inside which was really cool to see. I order a Jack and Coke and nearly loose my breathe when I take a drink. Holy fuck it was strong. I wasn't exactly sure where to go so I walked through the crowd to see if I could find a stage manager so I could see Chris. I should've went through the back entrance. As I walk through the crowd I accidentally bump into a guy. He turns to look at me.

"Shit sorry," I apologize as I look up at him.

"That's ok... hey... wait... Andi? Is that you?" He says. Suddenly that voice sounds all too familiar. 

"It's Baz... fuck I haven't seen you since high school..." He says excitedly.

"What? Oh my god... Hi!"

Suddenly it all comes back to me and it hits me like a wall. Sebastian Bach... well really Bierk but he changed his name when he moved to Toronto. He leans his tall frame down and hugs me so tightly. I return the hug careful not to spill my drink. 

"Fuck you're looking really good," He says with a smile.

"Thanks... uh.. you too," I blush.

"Are you living out here...? Or...-" He asks

"No... no I uh... I'm... travelling I guess you could say...?" I didn't know how to explain it without sounding like a groupie.

"Oh ok... I'm playing over at the Ace Of Spades bar tomorrow night... you should come and check it out.." Baz says.

"Really? That's fucking awesome... I think we should be able to make it..." I say.

"We...? But I only see you..." He flirts and I blush.He always did that, even when we were kids.

"Anyways... I came here to check out Soundgarden... I didn't know you were into them too..." He takes a sip of his beer. He has no idea.

"Uh well yea... I saw them play at the Gorilla Room in Seattle for the first time about maybe 6 months ago and Chris- I mean- they blew my mind..." I say as I catch myself.

"Oh so you have a thing for Chris Cornell eh? Most chicks do..." He teases. He still has no idea. 

"Did you come here by yourself?" He asks and takes a sip of his beer.

"Yes... well no... I'm actually meeting –" I say as I'm cut off by a familiar hand touching my lower back. I turn a little and see Chris standing behind me. He smirks down at me and raises his eyebrow at me.

"Hi," I say innocently.

"Hi," He says cutely standing in his muscle shirt with the dollar sign logo on the front, his ripped jean shorts and his Doc Martens. His hair just as curly as ever had fallen across his face. I turn and look at Baz and he looks slightly confused but also in a bit of 'awe'.

"Chris... this is Sebastian er- Baz..." I gesture to him and Chris extends his hand to shake.

"Hi," Chris nods.

"Hey man... good to meet you," Baz smiles at him as they shake hands.

"We went to high school together..." I say as I look up at Chris.

"Oh ok..." Chris says and looks slightly more relieved.

"Yea... we go way back... not just high school... we were practically neighbours..." Baz says and takes a drink of his beer.

"Cool...well uh... if you want to, come hang out after the show... I mean we're not really doing anything," Chris says and looks down at me. I shrug and look at Baz.

"Sure man... I'd love to," Baz smiles.

"Cool... well uh... I'm gonna head back stage and check on Mike... he's gotta fill in for Hiro... we couldn't find anyone else yet..." Chris says to me.

"Ok..." I say as I look up at him.

"I'll see you in a bit... just... um... I'll just meet you guys out here when we're done.." Chris says.

"Cool man... and yea... good to meet you," Baz says and extends his hand for Chris to shake and Chris nods.

Chris leans into me and places a kiss on my earlobe. I smile and blush as he lingers for a moment and then turns to walk back stage. I turn back to Baz and he has this shit eating grin all over his face.

"What?" I ask.

"So... you and Chris Cornell..." He smirks at me. I blush again.

"Yea..." I say shyly and take a sip of my drink.

"That's fuckin' awesome," He says

"Um... thanks?" I say not know how to respond to that.

"No really... that's awesome... how'd you two -?"

"At The Gorilla Room... and then he would come into the store I work at... and one night he walked me home after one of his shows and we've pretty much been inseparable ever since..." I say and take a sip of my drink. 

"That's awesome... I'm uh... really happy for you... I had no idea you moved to Seattle though..." He says and drinks his beer.

"Yea... I moved there to go to school almost a year ago now but I dropped out... so I just got a job at a clothing thrift store... and yea... that's pretty much it" I say.

"Fuckin' eh," He smiles at me and suddenly Chris walks out on stage with Kim and Matt, with Mike on bass.

"Hi" Chris says cutely into the mic which makes me giggle and I hear some of the audience say 'hi' back to him while some laugh with me.

"So uh... we're Soundgarden... and uh... well... This is 'Flower'" He says and Matt kicks it off. I look up and watch them as they perform that sound that made me fall in love with their music and I catch Baz looking at me. I smile at him and he smiles back as he drinks his beer.Then eventually we both end up just getting lost in the sound. 

•••

"Fuck... That was awesome! Wasn't that fucking awesome!?" Baz screams and tuns to me as Soundgarden ends their set.

"Yea," I laugh at him.

"Jesus fuck... How does he do that man?" He says to me.

"Well how do you do it?" I point out to him.

"Yea but... That's a whole other thing... I'm not like that..." Baz laughs and I laugh with him. We stand around for a bit as the crowd begins to clear, Then Chris emerges from behind the stage and jumps down, turning back for a second to catch the shirt that one of the stage guys threw to him. He turns back and walks toward us while quickly pulling a black 90 logo T-Shirt over his head. He flips his hair out of his face and walks up to me then places a quick kiss on my forehead. 

"Fuck... awesome show man!" Baz exclaims.

"Thanks," Chris smiles as they shake hands again. I was so worried at first that they wouldn't get along but Chris is always so nice, it's hard not to like him.

"So... wanna grab a few drinks?" Baz says.

"Sure," I say.

"Cool, there's a bar still open just down the street... usually when we play here in town we head to that one... come on," He says and we follow him out of The Cattle Club, just down the street to a bar that was close to The Ace Of Spades venue. We walk inside and grab a table in a booth as Baz grabs us some drinks. He comes back quickly and sets 3 beers down for each of us to start. 

"So yea... fucking awesome set man... I had heard your stuff for the first time maybe like... fuck a year ago now when I moved to Jersey... and I was totally diggin it," Baz says.

"Thanks," Chris smiles. He's not usually one for compliments but when it comes from some people he actually doesn't mind it.

"We're playing tomorrow night at the Ace Of Spades... I was telling Andi you should come check it out..." Baz says and takes a sip of his beer.

"Uh... yea I think we could do that... we're playing at The Rainbow the next day so... we can check it out..." Chris says and looks at me with a grin.

"Sweet," Baz nods. We talk a little bit more and Baz and I converse and tell tons of stories on growing up together. 

"I remember just before you moved to Toronto, when you won battle of the bands at the Little Lake festival... you were so fucking scared... and I had to calm you down... me? Like what the fuck... I was the most unstable shy little girl calming you down..." I giggle as I take a sip of my beer. I was definitely beginning to feel the drinks now.

"What, how old were we? Like 14?" He laughs.

"Yea," I laugh.

"Yea I was fucking terrified... but you were there... and man... you helped me so much...it was hard to leave Peterborough because of you..." He laughs.

"Oh yea right... as if you didn't have tons of chicks after you, when you moved," I laugh and Baz's expression fades a little. Chris looks at me and sips his beer. Then he leans into me.

"I'll be back in a minute," He says quietly in my ear and I nod. Chris leaves the table which now left me alone with Baz. We sit quietly for a few moments and then Baz decides to break the silence. 

"I should've..." He starts but then doesn't finish his thought. I take a sip of my beer and set it down on the table.

"You should've what?" I ask as I twirl the bottle between my fingers. He looks at me then shakes his head and leans back in the booth.

"Nah... I'm not gonna..." He says.

"What?" I ask. He looks at me then down at his beer and twirls it between his fingers.

"It's ancient history..." He says.

"Spit it out Bierk..." I say. I have no idea where that came from, I haven't called him that since we were kids, these drinks were definitely going to my head. He looks at me gives me a smirk and I smirk back at him.

"I... I should've grabbed you up when I had the chance... that's all," He says and takes a sip of his beer. My smirk slowly fades and I look down at myself. He sips his beer quietly as we sit in silence for a few moments. Where in the fuck is Chris?

"It was a long time ago," I say quietly still looking down at myself. He takes another sip and sets the bottle down on the table.

"I know..." He says as he looks at the bottle. 

"But I guess as they say... regrets are better left unspoken..." Baz says as he smiles at me. I look up at him and smirk, trying to hide my sadness. Fuck I hate feelings sometimes.

"Yea..." I say quietly. Chris still hadn't returned which was really weird. I decide to get up and find him. 

"Um... I'll be right back," I say and get up from the table as Baz nods at me. I was feeling a little tipsy but I am able to control myself. I walk towards the direction of the bathrooms as that's where the last I saw him walk off to. Still no sign of Chris. Where in the fuck is he? I walk passed the bathrooms and see a back entrance door. I open it and see Chris leaning against the wall of the building and puffing on a smoke. 

"Hey... what are you doing out here?" I ask. Chris takes a long drag of his cigarette while he squints his eyes to shield them from the smoke.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" He says sarcastically.

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" I say sarcastically back.

"It means 'what does it look like?'... I'm having a smoke," He looks at me and takes a drag all the while his attitude shows with the expression on his face.

"Are you mad at me?" I ask giving him a little bit of the attitude he's giving me. He shakes his head in disbelief and takes another long drag of his smoke.

"Why are you mad at me?" I ask. Chris angrily butts his smoke out on the ground and walks towards me, gives me a blank look and walks passed me back into the building. I watch him walk down the hallway as the door closes behind me.

"Chris?!" I yell but he doesn't answer me. 

I walk down the hallway and as I turn the corner, I see him say goodbye to Baz, they shake hands and Chris heads out of the bar.

"Chris?!" I yell again as I walk up to the table we were all sitting at but he continues to walk out the door and back towards the hotel. I stop just passed the table Baz was sitting at and he stands up.

"Is everything ok?" Baz asks me. I shrug my shoulders and slowly shake my head confused and I turn back to face Baz.

"I think I need to go," I say embarrassed and walk over to the table to grab my jacket, I throw it on and turn away from him.

"Andi...? You ok?" He asks concerned. I stop and turn back to him, tears starting to stream down my face.

"It was really good to see you... but... I don't think I can come and see you tomorrow night..." I say shakily. I can feel my bottom lip quiver as I try to not ball in front of the whole bar.

"Do you want me to walk you back?" Baz says as he steps toward me concerned. I'm so fucking embarrassed right now I just want to crawl into a hole and never come back out.

"Yea but... I don't think you should..." I say trying to stop myself from crying. I wipe away the tears off my cheeks. Baz just looks at me with a look of sadness yet concerned. 

"Um... so... I'm just gonna head back to the hotel... It was really good to see you again... and I'm sorry... I was not expecting him to act like this..." I say as I catch my breath and the tears start to flow. He nods at me to re-assure me that it's ok.

"Ok," I say quietly and turn to walk out of the bar and back towards the hotel, wiping my tears as I walk back alone.

•••

I get back to the hotel and walk up to the room. I attempt to open the door but the door is locked.

"What the fuck?" I say quietly to myself. He locked the fucking door? I don't have a key. I knock on the door but no answer.

"Chris?!" I call through the door, still no answer. I knock on the door louder and call his name again. I suddenly hear the door unlock and it opens. I see Chris standing in front of me with a beer in his hand, shirtless with just his shorts on. He looks at me blankly and takes a drink of his beer. I look at him and step inside and he closes the door but doesn't take his eyes off of me. He takes another drink while he looks at me then turns away to walk towards the bed.

"What's wrong with you?" I ask with a tiny bit of attitude.

"Funny you ask that cause I could ask the same about you," He retorts. My face flushes with hurt and anger. 

"What the fuck do you mean by that?" I ask. He turns back to face me and takes another drink of his beer.

"Are you really going to stand there and tell me nothing was happening between you two!?" Chris says loudly.

"What?!" I ask. I can't believe this is happening right now.

"Andi, are you really that naïve? He was fucking flirting with you the whole fucking time and you fucking sat there, fucking flirting right back, right in my fucking face!" Chris spits. His words hit me like a ton of bricks. 

"What?! Are you serious right now? Do you hear yourself? You are fucking acting fucked up right now," I retort.

"You're not denying it," He takes a swig of his beer.

"There's nothing to deny! Nothing was happening, we were just talking like friends! I fucking grew up with him... he lived around the corner from me! We went to school together for fuck sakes!" I exclaim.

"You were not talking to him like friends, friends don't carry on like that," Chris says.

"Carry on like what?! I have no idea what you thought you saw, but nothing was happening between us!" I yell back. Chris just looks at me.

"You make it seem like if a guy wants to talk to me, he immediately just does it to get in my pants," I say as I try to stand my ground.

"Isn't that the point?" Chris sneers at me. Another ton of bricks hits me, this time right in the chest knocking the wind out of me. He just looks at me blankly and takes another swig of his beer, downing it, and throws the bottle into the trash can, causing me to flinch.

"Is that why you decided to talk to me? Did you just want to get in my pants?" I sneer back at him. He looks at me, still that blank look full of attitude and sarcasm.

"It worked, didn't it?" He sneers back and with that, my heart falls out of me, down on the floor at my feet. I hold back tears and I try to catch my breath.

"Fuck you," I sharply say through clenched teeth. He steps towards me and leans into me closer.

"You already did baby," He says low and demeaning. His breath wreaking of beer. He had definitely gone too far. At this point I couldn't contain my anger any longer, without even thinking I reach up and slap him across his cheek hard and just as soon as I did, I instantly regret it. I have never slapped anyone in their face. Ever. Period. I instantly feel guilt and shame all rolled into one. He closes his eyes and reaches up to his cheek, stroking where I slapped him. Tears stream down my face as I turn and open the door to walk out, slamming it behind me. 

I walk down to the lobby of the hotel and out the door on to the street. I had no idea where I was going, all I know is that I just wanted to get as far away from Chris as I could. I had never been in Sacramento before so I didn't want to get lost, but I also just wanted to go back home. I wish I had someone with me, or someone to talk to. I wish I had my mom here with me.

I walk for a little bit up the street wiping away my tears and trying to calm myself down. I don't understand how he got so mad at me. I didn't do anything. Chicks fucking flirt with him all the fucking time and I have to stand there and watch it, but he never flirts back with them. His attention is always on the performance, the audience or just me. I wasn't flirting with Baz at all. Baz was always just like that. Why did he get mad at me and not Baz? I just don't get it. 

After I walk a little to calm myself down, I decide to turn back to the hotel. I have nowhere else to go. I get to the hotel and walk into the lobby. I walk up to the reception and ask if I can just stay in the hotel lobby for the night. The girl says it's not allowed but since I already have a room it's ok. I turn and walk over to the large couches and chairs, take my jacket off, lay down on one of the couches and use my leather jacket as a blanket. I lay there for a while, going over in my head what happened and trying to see just what made Chris act the way he did with me. I certainly did not deserve that at all, and I feel so incredibly bad that I slapped him across the face. I hate myself right now. Before I realize it, I eventually doze off on the couch.


	11. My Words Are Out Of Balance

Sacramento California, February 1 1989

A few hours later I feel a hand stroking my hair. I open my eyes with a startle and see Chris sitting on the coffee table in front of me. It took me a few moments to realize that I'm still in the lobby and the early morning light shining through.

I groggily sit myself up and rub my eyes to rid the sleep. Then I blink a few times to try to focus.

"Hey," Chris says quietly. I look around the lobby and it was just the two of us. I look back at Chris as he looks at me. Suddenly the events from last night come flooding back to me, and the shame, guilt and anger bubble to the surface again. I sit quietly in front of him and say nothing. I'm afraid if I do I might regret it.

"I uh... was waiting for you to come back to the room last night," He says to me as his hair falls in his face. I still say nothing and just look at him. He looks down at himself, his arms resting on his thighs while he sits on the coffee table. 

"I think we should talk about what happened." He says quietly. I still say nothing. He looks up at me. 

"Things got out of hand... I know... But I think we should talk about it," He says as he looks at me. Still, I say nothing. 

"Babe..-"

"Don't..- don't call me that," I cut him off. I look at him and it is still so fucking hard to not scream at him in this lobby.

"Andi... will you come back to the room with me?" He says calmly but pleading. I guess it is better we don't hash things out in public. I quickly look away from him and stand up to head towards the stairs, he stands up from the table and follows me back to the room. 

As I enter the room I toss my jacket on the chair and see the bed was still made from the day before. I guess he hasn't slept at all. He follows in behind me and closes the door behind him. He walks over to the bed and sits down crosslegged in the middle. I stand there with my arms crossed over my chest and look at him.

"Will you sit with me?" He asks softly as he looks at me and gestures to the spot in front of him. I stand there looking at him, reluctant at first with my arms still crossed in front of my chest. My expression clearly telling him I'm still hurt and pissed off. He gives me a pleading expression and I eventually move to climb up on the bed and sit crosslegged across from him. We sit in silence as we look at each other and I could tell he hadn't slept all night. I had so many things I wanted to say. I really wanted to tell him to go fuck himself but being angry is not going to solve anything.

"Things got way out of hand last night... I know this is no excuse for my behaviour but I drank way too much and the situation with Hiro leaving, put me in a really bad place. Then when I saw you with Sebastian at the Club... I don't know why I got so jealous... I... just saw you with him and how much fun you were having with him, how he made you laugh... it just... I thought you... or I made it up in my head that you were going to leave me... or something... it's hard to explain... In my defence though he really was flirting with you right in front of me which pissed me off a little bit – "

"Chris... that's just how he is though... he's always been like that..." I cut him off to explain.

"No...I know but... it still hurt..." Chris says and looks down at himself.

"Girls flirt with you all the time... and I have to stand there and watch it... but I know you would never do anything to act on it..." I say to him. He continues to look down at himself.

"Chris... you said some things that really hurt last night...You went too far. I'm sorry that I slapped you, I admit that was really wrong of me... I've never hit anyone in my life... I didn't think I was capable of doing that to anyone... I hate myself for doing that to you...and... I'm just..." I trail off trying to hold back tears. I'm so sick of crying. He looks up at me and I look down at myself trying to stop my tears. He reaches up and touches my cheek, wiping my tears away with his thumb. 

"I don't blame you for slapping me...I fucking deserved it...Andi... I'm sorry for the things I said... I'm really, really sorry," Chris desperately says to me. I look up at him as he wipes my tears away from my cheeks. That's really all I needed to hear. He looks into my eyes and I instantly melt all over again. He leans in towards me and presses his lips to my forehead. I close my eyes and exhale and all the anger and hurt melted away from me. He moves his lips from my forehead and touches his forehead to mine. 

"I love you so fucking much, I'm so, so, sorry," He breathes.

"I love you," I say quietly back to him. He lifts his head from me and I move in and press my lips to his. I start to suck his bottom lip and reach up to thread my fingers through his hair. Fuck I love him so fucking much. I pull away from him and drop my hands from his hair. He then draws me into him and we lay down on the bed, my head pressed against his chest. I close my eyes and listen to his heart beating and I never want to leave this spot.

"I missed you being in my arms..." He says quietly. I take in a deep breath and snuggle more into him.

"Lets just stay in the room all day... just me and you... we'll just block out the world and cocoon ourselves in here.." He says

"What about food though?" I ask.

"Room service," He says and I giggle accidentally letting out a high pitched squeak. 

"That was cute," Chris laughs and I laugh with him. This right here is worth the fight. After a few moments I wonder if I should mention Baz's gig tonight at The Ace Of Spades, but I decide against it. I embarrassed myself pretty good last night in front of him so I should probably just let it go for now. 

We lay together in bed the whole day just talking, laughing, cuddling, fucking and falling asleep every once and a while. Chris did eventually order room service so that we could eat. We needed to come up for air eventually. I didn't even care about not going to see Baz, I loved being with Chris, just in this room the whole day, locking the world out. As much as I hated that fight we had, making up was the best part.


	12. "Uh..., Seattle"

Los Angeles, California  
February 2 1989

The next day and the last stop of the tour, Soundgarden was opening for Voivod, an industrial/thrash metal band from Montreal Quebec. We arrived in Los Angeles, finally and Chris had an interview scheduled for MTV early this afternoon. As soon as we arrive, we head straight to MTV studios before checking into the hotel. 

•••

"Who is it...? Are they even here yet...?"

Rikki Ratchman sits at his desk and calls to the stage manager as a makeup assistant fixes his hair.

"Soundgarden... no, they're on their way,"

"And it's just the two of them?" Rikki asks.

"Yes... Chris Cornell and Kim Thayil,"

"I thought it was supposed to be the whole band?" Rikki calls to him.

"Nope just Chris and Kim..."

"Alright... " Rikki says and gestures for the makeup assistant to go away. 

•••

"Fuck, I'm so tired," Chris yawns and I follow him and Kim into MTV studios. We woke up late in Sacramento so we didn't even have time to clean up. I just threw my hair up in a messy bun, and threw on the same clothes I had on yesterday... My Type O Negative Shirt, my black skinny ripped jeans, Doc Martens, my silver studded belt and my silver studded wrist cuff, and my leather jacket of course. Chris was so cute, his hair was so curly cause he hadn't had time to shower so he just threw on a black T-Shirt, his leather jacket with the Soundgarden patch on the front, His Doc Martens and some dark patterned pants sort of like track pants. Kim was all about the denim today. Denim jacket, Jeans and well a black T-Shirt of course. 

We reach the "stage" area and see Rikki sitting at the desk, which was part of the set, organizing the papers on the desk. He looks up and sees Chris and Kim. One of the camera guys says quietly to me to just stand off the stage, but I was still close enough to see. Chris turns to me and give me a quick kiss and then heads toward the couch on the set.

"Hey.. glad you finally made it," Rikki stands up and extends his hands for Chris and Kim to shake. They shake hands and Rikki gestures for them to sit down on the couch.

"We're just about to come back from commercials so..."

"Cool..." Chris says. 

•••

"Alright were back with MTV's Headbangers Ball and we're with Chris and Kim of Soundgarden... you know Chris, I read in and interview with Axl Rose that he thinks your like the greatest vocalist out there..."

"Wow..." Chris says and smiles shyly and then does a silly motion with his head with the biggest smile on his face. It made me giggle from the side stage as I watched them. Damn he's cute.

"Did... did you... or are you friends with those guys or?" Rikki giggles at Chris's reaction.

"We've met him before.. couple times... he came to a couple of our shows.."

"Yea he's a big fan of yours..."Rikki says

"Yea..." Chris smiles.

"Now earlier we said you guys are from Seattle... what's the rock and roll scene like in Seattle?" Rikki asks.

"It's boss... it's pretty much better than anywhere else..."Chris says

"Pretty much... it's like it is in Los Angeles... Less Tattoos..." Kim says.

"It's better than your crummy town..." Chris says as he points towards the camera guy and Kim giggles. I laugh a little as I watch, Chris is fucking hilarious with his sarcasm. 

"Is it hard kinda coming up from Seattle? I mean cause it seems like a lot of bands are getting signed from LA or maybe New York?" Rikki asks Chris

"It's easy there really because of.. well there's a lot of focus there right now and um... you tend to stand out more, it's like you know being a big fish in a little pond... sort of... you know and uh... we just stuck around there and made as big of noise as we could and uh... happened as fast as we could have ever wanted it to.-"

"Did the record companies come to Seattle to see you or

Did you go look for them?" Rikki asks.

"No they came to us-"

"They solicited us..." Kim finishes.

"Now I know there's also like... what are the other bands you've heard of in Seattle?" 

"Mother Love Bone, Screaming Trees, Alice In Chains, Mudhoney..." Kim says.

"Do you think that we're going to get some sort if big scene coming from Seattle?"

"I hope so... it'd be great," Kim says.

"Great... now the record that was nominated for a Grammy... that's not the one that's about to come out is it or..."

"No... that was our SST release Ultramega OK... we had a video off of that... I think you guys showed it right?"Kim says

"Yea we're actually going to show that right now... so off their SST release, here's the video 'Flower' from their Grammy nominated album... Ultramega OK on Headbanger's Ball," Rikki says and they cut to the video.

•••

"Fuckin' awesome... thanks for coming by guys..." Rikki says as Chris and Kim stand up and they shake hands again.

"No problem," Chris says and he follows Kim who was walking towards me and towards the studio doors. Chris walks up to me places a quick kiss on my lips and then wraps his arm around my neck as we follow Kim out the door. 

"So... I need to get some sleep in before tonight so I'm heading to the hotel to check in... wanna meet up in a few?" Kim says as we walk outside.

"Yea... I'm thinkin about doing the same... grab a little nap and get ready for later..." Chris says as he squints his eyes from the sun.

" Alright... meet in the hotel bar?" Kim asks.

"Sounds good," Chris says.

"Cool see you man," Kim says and then Kim walks over to me and gives me a hug.

"See you in a bit Andi," Kim says sleepily.

"Awe... Kim.. ya see you in a bit," I say. Kim never hugs me. That was so sweet. Kim nods and heads to the van takes off to the hotel.

"So... you just want to head to the hotel?" I ask as I look up at him.

"Yea... I should get cleaned up a bit..." Chris says as he looks down at himself.

"Ok," I say and he takes my hand and we head in the direction of the van and head to the hotel to check in. 

•••

We check in at the hotel and head to the room to get cleaned up. Chris really wanted to take a nap as soon as he got out of the shower but I was wide awake. 

"Do you care if I just take a walk downtown or something? I mean we're right on the strip and I kinda wanted to check things out. You know I've never been to California before," I say as I finish pulling my Motley Crue Band T-Shirt that I had cut up to style, over my head and adjust my cutoff distressed jeans shorts.

"Um... no I don't care... are you sure?" Chris asks as he pats himself down with a towel and then lays down on the bed.

"Yea... it'll give you some time to rest a bit and meet up with guys later, and you wont have me in your way," I say as I turn from the mirror to face him. He flips his damp curly hair out of his face and moves himself up on the bed a little, stretching his leg out, the towel still wrapped around his hips, his chest gleaming with the spare water droplets as the California sun shines through the large window. 

"Andi... you're not in the way at all... why would you think that?"

I shrug and quickly look down at myself and then back at him. His expression seemingly wanting to comfort me.

"I don't know... I just... most of the time I feel happy you asked me to come with you, but other times, I just... I don't know... feel kinda out of place... like I'm in the way..."

"Babe... don't feel like that... I love having you here with me... and Kim and Matt love you," Chris says as he leans his back against the headboard.

"Kim really loves you... I mean you saw him today... he doesn't hug just anyone... especially when he's sober... when he's drinking that's a whole other thing," Chris smirks and I laugh.

"Well ok... but I still kinda wanna check it out downtown and I know you're tired so I'm ok just going by myself..."

"Alright... but come here first," Chris says as he gestures for me to come over to him.

"What?" I say slightly suspiciously.

"Just come here," He continues to gesture to me. I walk over to him and he takes my hand and without warning, he pulls me down to him, causing me to fall on top of him, dampening me as his chest was still wet.

"Chris!?" I squeal and he laughs hysterically as he pulls me into his arms.

"I love it when you squeal like that... it's so fucking cute," Chris laughs.

"Well... thanks for getting me all wet," I say as I try to dry my shirt off with my hands.

"My pleasure," Chris smirks and raises his eyebrow to me.

"That's not what I meant," I say as I sit up beside him and continue to try to dry myself. After a few minutes I look back at him and he reaches up to cup my face and pulls me back down to press his lips to mine.

I place my hand on his chest, feeling his soft smooth skin, to steady myself as my lips moved with his. The feeling of his lips on mine send shivers all over my body instantly. I have no idea how he is able to do this to me every time he touches me. His tongue flicks at my top lip and I start to suck his bottom lip, as his other hand moves up under the bottom of my shirt.

"You know I'm uh... not really feeling all that sleepy," Chris says in between his kisses.

"Uh huh,"

"Are you sure you... want to go... for that walk?" Chris asks as his fingers trail up my back sending even more shivers all over my body.

"Did.. you have ... something else in mind?" I breathe in between his kisses. With that, he moves his hands down to my shorts, unbuttons them and moves his hand inside my shorts and traces the rim of my panties. My breath hitches a little as I slowly feel his hand move inside my panties, his fingers quickly finding my clit and softly but gently he starts to stroke. Slightly startled, I break away from his lips and touch my forehead to his as I open my eyes to see him looking at me. Once again, he knows exactly just how to touch me to get me wrapped around his finger. I move my hand to his forearm and down to his wrist, feeling the way his hand moves while he plays with me. He continues to stroke my clit, using various rhythmic circling patterns as he watched my reaction to him, all the while I continue to hold his wrist. 

"Holy shit, you're so fucking wet," Chris breathes as he continues to watch me. I close my eyes and bite my bottom lip as he begins to pick up the pace.

"Chris... oh god... don't fucking stop," I begin to pant as a sly smile slowly begins to spread across his lips.

"No baby... not yet,"

My eyes fling open as he removes his hand from me, my core crying out to be pleasured by him. I quickly stand up from the bed and rip down my shorts and panties all at once while I glance over him and clearly see his massive erection through the white hotel towel that somehow was still wrapped around his hips. I then attempt to remove my shirt while he sits up, removes the towel and faces me. He helps me remove my shirt as I pull it up over my head and toss it to the floor. He moves his hands up my back and unclasps my bra, freeing my breasts and tosses it on to the floor. I then climb up on the bed in front of him, straddling him with my knees as he moves back a little on the bed and lays down. 

As I hover over him, I place my hand on his chest, feeling him flex a little underneath my touch. He closes his eyes as I place soft fleeting kisses over his chest, moving my lips to his nipple and lingering there while I gently flick with my tongue causing a groan to escape his throat. My hand continues to move further down his chest, over his flat stomach to feel his extremely hard length. I immediately grip the base of him and slowly begin to move my hand up and down, feeling every inch of him as my lips continue to play with his nipple.

"Fuck that feels... so fucking... amazing," He pants in between my strokes. I start to grip him tighter as I pump him with a little more rhythm. He lifts himself up on his elbows as my lips break away from his nipple. While I straddle him, I touch my forehead to his as he closes his eyes and I grip tighter and pick up the pace as I move to his ear and softly kiss his earlobe. 

"Fuck.. baby... don't fucking stop," He pants and I slow down my rhythm and stop but still hold him in my hand.

"No baby... not yet," I whisper in his ear, returning the torturous frustration he instilled upon me only moments before.

"Jeezus fuck...," He breathes and I let go of him. He immediately moves out from under me and I move myself up on all 4's while he situates himself behind me. He grips my hips and pulls me to him, his erection teasing my clit and feeling how wet have become. He leans down over me, brushing his lips up my back in between my shoulders, his hair still slightly damp, falling down around me and tickling my back. He moves his one hand around to my clit as his other arm supports himself over me. I close my eyes and exhale as I feel him slowly insert his length inside me. 

I arch my back and whimper as the electricity of him inside me washes over my body. The feeling of him inside me is like heaven. This is where I'm meant to be, in this moment right here, where the whole world just falls away and we become one with each other. He begins to thrust slow and sensual at first, relishing in the feeling of being inside me, all the while whispering sweet nothings in my ear. 

His lips play with my earlobe as he begins to pick up the pace. I arch my back and match his rhythm as he then breaks his lips away from my ear and lifts himself up to grip my hips as he continues to thrust into me.

"Chris... oh god..."I whimper.

"Fuck... you feel so fucking good..." He moans as he thrusts into me.

"I'm gonna cum," I warn as I feel the waves of pleasure wash over me, my muscles internally contracting to the point where I can't take it anymore.

"Yes baby... just let... it go..."He moans as he leans back down over me and presses his lips to my ear, his soft dark curly hair once again falling down around me, sending chills all over my body. I whimper as he continues his thrusting and then finally my orgasm spills all over him, causing me to cry out in pure intense pleasure.

"Shit... I'm gonna cum..." Chris whimpers in my ear and as soon as he does, I feel him tense and suddenly release his orgasm inside me. He thrusts into me a few more times, riding out his high with me and then holds me to him. I end up collapsing on to the bed, completely spent and out of breath as he pulls out of me and collapses down beside me laying down on his back. 

"Holy fuck that was fucking amazing," I say with my voice muffled by the bed. Chris says nothing but I can hear him trying to catch his breath. I lift my head up to look at him and he lays there beside me with his eyes closed.

"We need to do that position way more often," I say and he giggles.

"I didn't know if I should cause I didn't want to hurt you," He breathes as he turns to look at me.

"No... not at all... you were hitting all the right spots... fuck... I had to hold back a little," I say wide eyed still coming down from my high.

"You don't have to hold back at all," He says as he looks at me. I turn my self onto my side and prop my head up on my hand. We look at each other just relishing in each other presence and he moves even closer to me and presses his lips to mine. He draws me into him and wraps his arms around me as I begin to suck his bottom lip. He moves his lips away from me and places a kiss on my forehead as I move my head to his bare chest and reach up to play with the curls of his hair that spilled across his chest.


	13. The Rainbow With A Bit Of Whiskey

Los Angeles, California February 2 1989

A while later Chris leaves to go and meet Kim and Matt to figure out the setlist for tonight and go over any last minute details and I stay in the room to get ready. I wanted to wear something different tonight. I pull out my black mini low cut tank top dress and combine with my Doc Marten's made it look really rock and roll. I left my hair down and curly and added my silver studded wrist cuff. I make sure everything looks good. I check the clock on the wall and it was about the time I needed to go and meet Chris. I grabbed my leather jacket and spare hotel room key and head out the door. 

I decide to walk to The Whiskey since we were staying in the hotel that was close and I wanted to check out the downtown strip. I had never been to California before and I was excited to walk down the same strip that Motley Crue and other glam metal bands had walked down. Yes I have to admit, I do like glam metal but only Motley Crue though. I do admit it that I am a crue head... I can't help it. Anyways, I walk down the strip and there were tons of people everywhere. It was almost getting my anxiety going but I knew how to handle myself in large crowds by myself. Hell, I've been to a lot of metal concerts by myself so this is nothing. 

Anyways, I make my way to The Whiskey, not without the occasional cat call from guys that looked like Vince Neil wannabe's and just as I make my way to the entrance I see Baz walking towards me. Oh no, oh god no not now. How the fuck did I run into him again.

"Andi...! Holy shit... how are you?"He says as he walks up to me.

"Hi," I say extremely nervously. I feel awkward and not sure what to say as the way we left things in Sacramento, I was crying on my way out of the bar.

"How are you? Is everything ok? How the fuck did I run into you a second time?" He laughs as he leans into me for a hug. I nervously hug him quickly back.

"Beats me," I say awkwardly as we let go of each other

"Are you here with Chris?" He asks.

"Yea... he's playing here tonight... and yea everything's ok now," I say, not wanting to explain or go into too much detail what happened after I left.

"Well fuck... I would ask you to come to The Rainbow tonight cause we're playing too..."Baz smiles at me.

"Cool... " I say and we sort if stand in silence for a few moments.

"Well... you still have my number right? I think I still have yours somewhere...I'll call ya... maybe we can meet up for some drinks or something," Baz says. I look at him a little confused. Does he not remember what happened the other night? I feel like I'm in some sort of twilight zone or something....

•••

"Hey Chris... Susan's here to discuss how we want to go about replacing Hiro," Matt says as he walks up behind Chris.

"What really? She didn't have to come here..." Chris says as he turns to Matt.

"Yea she knows but she wanted to go over stuff with is in person,"

"It could've waited til we got back to Seattle," Chris says as he follows Matt back down the hallway to the dressing room.

"Yea... but you know Susan... she wants things done as soon as possible," Matt says as they walk into the dressing room and see Kim sitting on the couch with Susan in the chair. 

Kim nods as Chris walks in the room with Matt and Susan looks up from the chair. It had been a while since she's seen any of them especially Chris. She had her long dark hair slightly curled with her dark brown eyes particularly looking up at Chris. She wore her floor length long sleeve dark brown dress that was low cut in the front, and her Doc Marten boots. She had a bunch of papers sitting in front her on the coffee table depicting the original contract that was signed when they made the move to A&M records. 

"Hi Chris," She says and he looks at her to give her a half smile. He was hoping this wasn't going to get ugly. Aside from the fact that Hiro left in the middle of a tour, he and Susan had been pretty much avoiding each other since their split, 2 months before Chris started up with Andi. Susan remained their manager as she was really fucking good at it and she was always really fair in not putting personal issues in with the band. She always had the band as a whole in mind when making any decisions. Chris still felt awkward around her but was able to keep it civil for the band sake. 

Chris sits down on the chair across from Susan as Matt and Kim sat on the couch.

"So... I was going over the contract... and since Hiro has decided to go his own way... the credits and royalties that you would be getting based on record sales, writing credits, concert sales... whatever is now going to be divided between all 3 unless Chris wants to dispute it as he writes the majority of the music..."

Matt and Kim look at Chris.

"No... keep it as it is... divided up by all 3 of us," Chris says and Kim nods as he lights up a smoke.

"Cool... ok so for the second part... we need to find you a bass player... I know you guys know Jason... and he knows your material really well... do you think he would work?" Susan looks at Chris.

"Um... well what about Ben? Ben Shepherd? He's amazing... we should ask him," Matt says as he looks at Chris

"Yea... but he won't be able to learn the material and Jason pretty much knows it..." Kim says.

"Uh... so when we get back to Seattle, let's have Ben try out and Jason try out and then we'll just go with whoever.. I guess..." Chris says and Matt and Kim agree.

"Cool... ok so now that that's out of the way... I'll call Jason and Ben and see if their available when you get back... so with the new contract for A&M, there's now a budget for a tour bus..."

"What really?" Matt says.

"Yep... so we're looking for some road crew people and obviously a driver for the bus but now you don't have to drive those vans anymore," Susan say as she puts the papers away.

"Fucking awesome," Kim says as he puffs his smoke and then hands it to Chris to finish.

"Alright... so... if you guys are good then, I'll uh just see you guys back in Seattle," Susan says as she stands up to head out the door. Chris then gets up from the chair and walks her to the door.

"Uh... thanks for... you know... settling that for us," Chris says as they stop at the door.

"Yea... anytime..." She says as she stuffs the folders of contracts under her arm.

"You know it could've waited til we got back to Seattle though," Chris says as he opens the door for her.

"Yea... I know... but I hadn't seen you in a while and I just thought... well... I just wanted to see how you guys were doing, especially since Hiro left right in the middle," She says as she turns back to look at him.

"Meh... it's stressful but, tonights the last show for a bit," Chris says nonchalantly. Susan looks up at him and feels that feeling stir up inside her that she once had for him. She didn't want to admit to herself she still had feelings for him, and she still missed him.

"Alright... well I'll see you back in Seattle?" She asks.

"Uh... yea," Chris says quietly.

•••

"Um... yea drinks would be cool," I smile shyly at him.

"Alright... Well I gotta get to soundcheck here... if you wanna stop by The Rainbow after, we can hang out if you want to," Baz says as he turns back to me while he walks away.

"Um sure... maybe," I call to him. I then turn and make my way up to the doors and head inside. I ask the guy at the door if it was ok for me to head through the back way to meet Chris, he checks his clipboard for my name and lets me go in through the side door. I walk down the long corridor of the building to find the dressing room where Chris and the guys were and as I walk around the corner, I see Chris standing outside the dressing room door talking with a woman. I slow down my pace a little bit as I watch them and she places her hand on his chest and moves in closer to him. I can't tell what's really going on but from what I see, it's making my heart race and my stomach drop. She pats him on the chest and smiles and turns to walk down the hallway towards me. As she gets closer I can see her features and she's beautiful, which made my heart sink. She meets my eyes and gives me a smile as I quickly glance down at myself as I walk towards Chris, trying to maintain my composure. 

"Hi," Chris smiles as I walk towards him. He looked so good wearing just a plaint black T-Shirt, and black suede wrist cuffs, which was different, his face perfectly freshly clean shaven, his hair so dark and curly that rested just passed his shoulders and his baggy black shorts that ended just passed his knees with his Doc Martens.

"Hey," I say shyly. He leans down and places a kiss on my lips. He lingers for a few moments and then pulls away to look me up and down.

"Who was that? " I ask innocently.

"Oh... that was our manager... Susan... Susan Silver," He says as he looks at me. I turn and look in the direction that she walked and wondered just what they were talking about. It looked personal especially the way she touched him. I wasn't sure if I should ask about it more, he never mentioned anything about her before. I decide to push the feeling down for now.

"Come on inside, Kim's dying to see you," Chris says.

"Really?" I ask curiously.

"No," Chris says flatly and then smirks at me. I giggle and slap him playfully on his chest. 

•••

It was after Soundgarden's performance and Voivod had taken the stage. Chris and I walked back to the dressing room together, his arm around my waist and every once and a while placing sweet kisses on my temple.

"Fuck... That was fucking awesome!" Matt says as he drums his sticks on the wall following behind us. They had played their set flawlessly, no hiccups, no mistakes, especially with Mike, their bass tech filling in for Hiro. Now they can focus on finding someone to play bass for the next part of the tour which was coming up in a couple of weeks. Kim immediately lights up a smoke as we enter into the dressing room.

"Fucking awesome," Kim says as he exhales his smoke.

"What do you guys want to do now?" Matt asks as he walks over to the bar fridge and grabs a beer. Chris lets go of me and follows suit. 

"Well I think we should check out the strip... what do you think Chris," Kim says and puffs his smoke.

"Really? You want to check out the strip?" Chris asks confused as he walks over and hands me a beer as he opens one for himself.

"Why the fuck not? It's still early, we don't have to pack up our stuff til tomorrow, unless you really wanted to load the van tonight which I don't fucking want to... fuck I'm so glad we get a road crew in the next couple of weeks," Kim says

"Road crew?" I ask.

"Yea.. the label gave us a budget now for a road crew and a tour bus," Matt says.

"What? Really? and you didn't tell me?" I look at Chris.

"I didn't think it was that big a deal but..." Chris trails off and takes a sip of his beer.

"Well... lets check out the strip then," Matt says.

"Where do you want to start?" Chris asks and takes another sip. I suddenly remember Baz telling me about The Rainbow and I was disappointed that we didn't get to check his band out in Sacramento, for obvious reasons. 

"Do you wanna start at The Rainbow?" I suggest quietly.

"Yea that sounds cool," Kim says and butts out his smoke. Chris looks at me as he takes a sip of his beer.

"Wanna go?" I ask him.

"Yea sure... why not," Chris says and downs the last of his beer and sets the empty bottle down on the table. Kim and Matt head out of the dressing room first and Chris looks at me as I throw my jacket back on.

"What?" I ask. He shrugs his shoulders and makes a dismissive face, then walks over to me and places a kiss on my forehead and walks over to the door. I feel slightly confused by his reaction but I decide to brush it aside as I follow him out the door. 

We arrive at The Rainbow only a few minutes later, as it was pretty much just across the street, and we head inside. Matt and Kim go in first while Chris and I follow behind them. As we get through the doors, the place was nearly packed and Baz was playing up on stage with his band Skid Row. Chris pushes through the crowd for me and we end up at the bar waiting to order drinks. As I stand with Chris at the bar - Kim and Matt had disappeared somewhere – another complete Vince Neil look alike turned and obviously noticed me. I attempted to ignore him but he wouldn't stop looking at me up and down. I glance at the guy quickly and he flashes me a smirk and sips his drink, his teased bleach blonde hair everywhere. Chris finally gets the attention of the bartender and orders us Jack and Cokes. Chris turns to look at me and notices the guy who wouldn't stop looking at me. Chris gives him a look and then looks back at me. 

"You alright?" Chris asks as he leans down to me.

"Yea," I re-assure him. The Vince Neil wannabe downs the last of his drink and sets it on the bar, orders another but continues to look at me up and down in a really uncomfortable way. I look back at the guy and he clearly does not get the hint. 

"Can I help you?" I ask the guy in a slightly sarcastic tone.

"If you're offering, I could think of many ways you could help me," The Vince Neil wannabe sleazily says to me while looking straight at my chest. Does this guy think he's flirting?

"Um excuse me?" I say slightly in shock. Chris turns to see just what was going on as the bartender sets our drinks in front of us.

"If you leave here with me, I could show you how you can help me," The Vince Neil wannabe leans down into me to say it low and trashy in my ear. I attempt to push the guy away from me but he barely moves considering he was almost as tall as Chris but not quite.

"Hey! What the fuck man!?" Chris chimes in finally noticing just what was happening. The Vince Neil wannabe looks at Chris and smirks, clearly wasted, and takes a drink. 

"I think your girl needs to leave with me," He smirks. Chris looks at him in disbelief.

"What did you just say?" Chris asks a little more sternly.

"I said your girl needs to leave with me," The Vince Neil wannabe slurs and takes another drink. Chris's face turns to anger as he takes a drink of his Jack and Coke.

"Get the fuck outta here!" Chris yells.

"Not without her,"

I look up at Chris and his expression turned into something I didn't recognize.

"Fuck you!" Chris yells and pushes the guy back, which he stumbles a little. I move out of the way and see The Vince Neil wannabe push Chris right back. Chris pushes back harder causing The Vince Neil wannabe to stumble even worse than before. He regains his balance somehow and then throws the first punch at Chris.

"Hey, Hey, Hey! What the fuck guys... ? break it up!" a couple of bouncers come rushing over as Chris quickly recovers and punches The Vince Neil wannabe across the face. The bouncers break up the fight as I stand and watch in utter shock.

"If you're gonna do that take it outside!" The bouncer called as they haul the Vince Neil wannabe off. The other bouncer looks at Chris and sees that Chris was not intoxicated and asked if he was alright. Chris nodded as he rubbed his jaw where he took the first punch. The bouncer clearly saw it was the other guy who started it and so Chris was alright to stay. The bouncer pats him on the arm and heads off. I walk over to Chris and see him rubbing his jaw.

"Are you ok?" I ask extremely concerned.

"Yea... yea I'm fine... at least I got a punch in. That guy was fucking fucktard," Chris says still angrily but a little more calm and takes a drink. I look up at him and he can see I'm clearly upset and worried.

"I'm sorry," I say.

"It's not your fault... don't be sorry," Chris says.

"You sure you're ok?" I ask.

"Andi... I'm fine... it's ok, that guy was a douchebag," Chris re-assures me. 

"Are you ok?" Chris asks me concerned.

"Yea... yea I'm fine," I say as I look up at him still. I look up towards the stage and see Baz with his band just ripping it up. Chris follows my glance and sees that it's Baz's band and his expression changes from concerned to slightly annoyed.

"Do you just want to go?" I ask as I notice his expression. Chris looks down at me.

"No... no it's fine... we'll stay," Chris says. We move further into the crowd of people as Skid Row continues on. 

After a few more songs The crowd started getting incredibly rowdy and uncontrollable. Bouncers were coming in left right and centre, grabbing people and throwing them out of The Whiskey. Chris kept me close and searched around for Kim and Matt but they were nowhere to be found.

Suddenly someone throws a bottle of whiskey up at Baz which hits him in the head. He turns and yells at the band to stop playing and whips the bottle back into the crowd

"What the fuck mother fucker? You think that's fucking funny? You think it's cool to fucking throw a fucking bottle up on stage? Fuck you mother fucker! Guys, get this fucker out of here!" Baz yells into the mic as a couple of more bouncers go into the crowd and pull the 2 guys who threw stuff at Baz.

"Babe, I think we should get outta here," Chris says as he holds me close to him.

"Um... yea ok..." I say nervously as Baz waits for the guys to be escorted out. Someone else throws another bottle on stage but misses Baz.

"That's it! We're done!" Baz yells into the mic, throws it down on the stage and gestures for the rest of the band to walk off stage.

"Babe we need to get out of here now," Chris says slightly panicking. I look up at Chris and he takes my hand to lead us back out of The Whiskey before everyone in the place starts really fighting. We get outside and see Baz and his band climb into their tourbus. I guess I won't be able to meet up with him again. Fuck this is crazy down here. Chris leads me back towards the direction of our hotel but not without the occasional cat call to me from more guys down the strip. Chris gives them looks and tries to contain himself from yelling back at them. Chris is right, we need to get the fuck out of here. 

We eventually make it back to the hotel and meet back up with Kim and Matt. They had apparently left early just after we arrived at The Whiskey because they had a weird feeling with the crowd. That crowd definitely was not what I'm used to. I mean, I've been to Black Metal concerts that were tame compared to that. Anyways, we all decide to retire to our rooms as we had to get up early to pack up the equipment and leave for Seattle. I couldn't wait to get back home in my own bed. If only I knew just what was to come once we made it back home.


	14. Susan Silver Management

Seattle, Washington  
February 15, 1989

Chris walked through the main entrance of Susan's office, his cherry-burst Gibson in hand, to meet up with Kim and Matt to discuss who would become their new bass player. He walked down the hallway and arrived at Susan's office. It was so strange to be back here after so long. He used to come here everyday, just to see her. He hadn't been in her office since they broke up all those months ago. It had started to drag up weird awkward feelings left over from their relationship. He needed to stop thinking about it. This is business, not personal, but it was still hard to get used to. 

Chris gently tapped on the slightly opened door and flipped his hair out of his face.

"Hi Chris, come on in," Susan called from the other side of the door. He opens the door further and gives a half smile as he enters. He sees Matt and Kim, sitting across from her desk which made him feel a little less awkward. 

"Alright, so I called Ben and I called Jason. Ben couldn't make it in today to try out but Jason should be here any moment and we can head downstairs if you want him to play anything for you..." Susan said as Chris sat down beside Kim.

"Cool, sounds good to me," Kim says and Suddenly there was another knock at the door.

"Come on in, Jason," Susan says and Jason steps in through the door. His blonde hair was wild and curly just like Chris's but he looked much, much younger. He couldn't be more than 18 years old. 

They all shake hands with him and it felt a little too formal to Chris, but he knows now that they are signed to a major label, they need to do things a little differently than before. Since Jason played for Nirvana the guys knew of him but didn't know him personally. So as they meet they make small talk to try to get to know him more. If he was going to be apart of the band, they need to get along, become friends. Chris remained mostly quiet just observing Jason and how he was. Chris had a weird feeling about him right away. Chris has no idea how he is able to tell how people are, he just gets a feeling. Much like how he fell in love with Andi, he just knew she was for him. This feeling on the other hand, was weird and awkward, slightly uncomfortable but he wanted to give Jason a chance. 

They head down to the basement area where there was a rehearsal room that Susan had for the other bands she manages. Once they get to the room Jason immediately takes out his bass and plugs it in. Kim and Matt try to make Jason feel comfortable so Matt sits down behind the drum kit and Kim picks up his guitar. Chris takes out his guitar, plugs it in and begins to strum randomly to warm up a little. 

"Um... ok... we'll start with Hands All Over?" Chris asks and looks at Jason. Jason nods quietly and they rip into the song.

After they finish jamming a few more songs out, Chris calls Matt and Kim over to confirm if Jason should join. 

"Chris, he knows the stuff really well," Matt says quietly.

"But what about Ben? Should we see if Ben can come out tomorrow?" Chris asks.

"Chris, we have shows coming up and the album is getting set for release in a couple of weeks. We still need to shoot the video too... we need to decide now," Kim says. Chris nods and thinks it over in his mind for a few moments. He looks back and forth between Kim and Matt and glances over at Jason as Jason starts packing up his bass. Chris looks at Kim to look for some guidance. Chris and Kim had started this band back in '84 with Hiro. He's known Kim the longest and trusts his judgement the most. Kim was his best friend. Kim give Chris a re-assuring nod and Chris nods back.

"Uh... Jason?" Chris's voice cracks as he turns towards him. Jason stands up from packing his bass, turns to look at the guys and flips his hair out of his face.

"You're in," Chris says. Jason slowly spreads a smile across his face and walks towards them and they all shake hands.


	15. You Have A Good Day, Good Day

Seattle, Washington  
August 10, 1989

"Alright, I'll just put these out on the floor then," I say as I carry up a box of brand new donations from the basement.

"Thanks Andi," Nancy says. I reach the top of the stairs and head over to the "New, Just Arrived" clothing rack and begin my tedious task of sorting through all the clothes and hanging them up by size. It was a super slow day today and I was exceptionally bored being at work. Sometimes I wish I could go back out on the road with Chris, just so I could have some excitement in my life. 

Chris was so busy getting ready for the tour that was scheduled to start, along with promotions for their album coming out in a couple of weeks, We hadn't been seeing each other as much as I wanted to. I miss him. I just hope we don't end up drifting apart. Thinking of stuff like that always causes my doubts and anxiety to shoot through the roof. I know it's just a busy time for him, but I still miss him.

I continue to hang up the shirts and various leggings, pants, sweaters and what have you when I hear the door bell. I turn and look up to see Chris walking in. My heart swelled at seeing him walk through the door, and just when I was just thinking about him too. How does he do that?

"Hi," He says sweetly to me as he walks up the clothing isle. He looked so fucking amazing with his leather jacket, his silky patterned button up shirt that he left unbuttoned, revealing his bare toned chest. His dark hair was tamer than usual but still just as curly that flowed passed his shoulders. He wore his black baggy shorts and his Doc Martens, and as he walked closer to me I could smell his sweet musky cologne mixed with his leather jacket which instantly drove me crazy. 

"Hi," I smile at him as he walks up to me. He leans down and places a soft kiss on my lips and just as he was about to pull away I reach up to touch his smooth clean shaven face and pull him back to me. As our lips move together as one, I press my body against his, causing him to sigh against my lips. It had been so long since his lips were on mine, I needed the kiss to last just a bit longer. I pull away from him and touch my lips, remembering the feeling of his lips on mine.

"Sorry... I just miss you," I say to him. He smirks at me and leans back in to place another soft kiss on my lips. He lingers for another few moments and then pulls away and touches his forehead to mine.

"I miss you too," He says quietly as he looks at me under his brow. It's taking everything I have not to throw him down on the floor right here in the store and fuck him like crazy. 

"Uh... we found a bass player... finally," Chris says as he moves his forehead from mine and shakes his head out of his daze.

"Really?" I say excitedly.

"Yea... and our first show is on the 24th in Westwood L.A," Chris smiles.

"Sweet!" I smile back as I grab a hanger and continue to hang up the clothes.

"Yea and this time, I don't have to drive... we have a whole tourbus lined up with a crew which means we don't have to pack and unload shit all by ourselves anymore... and..." Chris says excitedly but his smile slowly fades and looks down at himself. 

"What? What is it?" I ask as I stop what I'm doing.

"I know I've been so busy and I know we haven't seen each other all that much... and I'm probably gonna see you even less since now the albums coming out and I have a whole bunch of interviews to do and... we have to shoot this video for MTV tomorrow..." Chris trails off.

"Chris... it's ok I understand..." I say as I hang up another shirt. He looks back at me and flips his hair out of his face. 

"I know... but you don't have to understand... I mean it sucks cause I miss you so much... I mean... I just thought I'd catch you here cause...I don't even have enough time at home to do anything. Andy's moved out – "

"Wait what?" I ask confused and shocked as I hang up another shirt and look up at Chris.

"Andy moved in with Xana... so I see even less of him too...and...Fuck..."Chris was beginning to sound frustrated and sad all at the same time. 

"Chris...it's ok..." I say as I look up at him.

"I know... I just..." Chris looks down at himself and I can tell his anxiety is shooting through the roof right now. I can always tell when he's not quite himself. I look at him and touch his forearm to get him to look at me. 

"I'm sorry... I have no idea why I'm unloading all this right now... you're at work... I just came in to see if I could catch you here cause... fuck... " Chris trails off and looks back down at himself.

"Chris... it's ok... do you need me?" I ask as I have a pretty good feeling he's about to tip over the edge. He nods his head quickly and I stop what I'm doing and walk over to the basement entrance. I call down to Nancy to ask if it's ok to take off early. She says it's ok and I head up to the counter to grab my leather jacket. I walk back over to the isle where we were standing and I quickly grab the last few of the new arrivals and put them back by the register.

"Come on... lets get out of here," I say as I walk up to him and take his hand. He lets out a long exhale and I lead him out of the store. 

•••

We end up at a local coffee shop where I usually go to on my lunch. We grab a booth by the window and order ourselves some coffee.

"I'm sorry back there... I just... uh I'm freaking out," Chris lets out an exasperated exhale and takes a sip of his coffee.

"Don't apologize... I'm here Chris," I say as I look at him from across the table.

"Normally I don't freak out like this, normally I'm fine, I've got it together ya know? "Chris says and sets his coffee down.

"Normally you would be drinking though," I say to him. He looks at me with a blank look.

"I didn't mean it like that... I mean – "I start but he cut me off.

"No I know what you mean... you're right... I'm just afraid to after we had that fight back in Sacramento, and yea I drank the night of The Whiskey, but no where near as much as I normally would have... Just... since we got back to Seattle, I threw myself into recording and rehearsing, now finding a bassist but still reeling from Hiro leaving and now we have a video to shoot tomorrow and the albums coming out, then we start another tour... and... ugh... I'm freaking the fuck out," He says as he looks down at his cup of coffee. 

"I just... it's like one minute I'm on top of the world... I feel like 'yes! This is what I've been working for my whole fucking life!' To have a major record deal with a record contract but now that contract states how many records we are to record with them and the touring budget and an advance for the tour bus with budgets for hotel stays and..." Chris completely unleashes everything all at once. Everything that was building up inside for who knows how long.

"It's like I feel this tremendous pressure to be...on all the time... It's hard to explain...I'm so conflicted and confused... I hate this feeling..." Chris says as he continues to look at the coffee cup. I get up and make my way over to his side of the table and sit down beside him so that our thighs are touching. I reach up and brush away his hair that had fallen in his face and I place a kiss on his temple. He closes his eyes and I hear him take a deep breath in and exhale. I touch my forehead to his temple and he leans into me a little. 

"Do you know how much I love you?" I say to him quietly, my forehead still touching his temple. He half smiles and lets out a small giggle with his eyes still closed as I place another kiss on his temple. I then wrap my arm around his arm and cuddle him as I lay my head down on his shoulder. He turns and places a kiss on my forehead and leans his head on mine. 

"I think I might have a pretty good idea," He says quietly and I let out a small giggle. I lift my head up and look into his beautiful blue eyes and just loose myself in them. I lean closer into him and press my lips to his. The feeling of his soft lips on mine are incredible. I could never get tired of kissing him. I reach my hand up and touch his chin as his tongue flicks at my top lip. I open my mouth a little and his tongue begins to play with mine. I completely loose myself in the feeling of his lips, forgetting that we are in a coffee shop. He pulls his lips away from mine and then touches his forehead to mine. We sit in silence together just taking each other in, not even caring that there are other people around. At this point, I just want to be with him and shut the world out.


	16. Hands All Over

Seattle, Washington  
August 11, 1989

The next day, Chris had to get up early to get ready for the video shoot that was taking place in an old abandoned factory. The were actually doing 2 videos today, one for 'Loud Love' and the second one for 'Hands All Over'. Since the shoot was going to take place all day, I was going to meet Chris there in between breaks so I got up, took a quick shower and once again tried to decide what to wear. I quickly threw on my ripped skinny jeans, my Doc Marten's, my Aerosmith T-Shirt- the one Chris had written on the inside- and just left my hair down and curly. I quickly cleaned up my apartment a bit and then decided to head down to meet Chris. 

I take the bus down to the abandoned factory that they were shooting in. It was just after lunchtime and they had just finished shooting the 'Loud Love' video and were starting on the 'Hands All Over' video. As I walk up to the abandoned factory, I see a few cars and a few people that are part of the filming crew taking camera's into the factory. Most of the exterior walls of the factory were demolished, leaving just the frame with a few larger areas that still had wall structure. There was black dust everywhere and lots of broken concrete dust among other debris, it looked dangerous but so very rock and roll. 

I walk inside and see a 4 filming cameras set up, tons of other crew but I didn't see any of the guys. One crew guy walks up to me and is sort of rude, asking what I was doing and informed me that this was a closed set. I told him that I was here to see Chris and he just laughed at me and said all the girls are here to see Chris. I gave him a confused but frustrated look and I was about to retort but Chris comes up behind me.

"Hi," Chris says as he touches my lower back and I turn to look at him. He was shirtless, only wearing his ripped jean shorts with his black leather belt. His hair was down but a little on the wild side and he was slightly covered in some of the black dust that was everywhere.

"Oh sorry man I thought she was some groupie," The crew guy says and then walks away.

"A groupie...? I really fucking hope I don't look like a groupie," I say slightly offended and Chris laughs. He leans into me and presses his lips to mine and lingers for a few moments. I love it when he kisses me.

"Um... so did I miss much?" I ask as I pull away from him.

"Uh no... we just finished filming the stage part and now... we're over here filming in cancer dust... yay!" He says sarcastically which makes me laugh. I see Kim walking over to us from inside the factory while he lights up a smoke.

"I can tell you right now, if this doesn't kill me, I know this place will eventually," Kim says as he walks over which again makes me laugh. 

"Hey Andi... how are ya?" Kim smiles at me.

"I'm good... hows the shoot going?" I ask.

"Meh... it's lame... whatever..." Kim says and puffs his smoke.

"Apparently Andi is our groupie... did you know she's a groupie?" Chris asks Kim.

"Really?" Kim says.

"Shut up," I giggle and tap Chris playfully on his chest as he laughs. 

"Ok guys we just need a few more shots and that's it so come on, lets get this done!" The director Kevin Kerslake says as he tried to gather everyone up. Chris takes my hand and he leads me over to the room where they needed to grab the last shots.

A little bit goes by as I watch how they film the video. Kevin told them to do whatever came natural so there wasn't like a scripted way to film the video. Chris just went crazy, climbing up the wall and hanging from the pieces of steel frame that were exposed. He made it look so much fun. 

After the video shoot was done, Chris and the guys looked exhausted. They had been awake since around 5am and it was now later in the evening. Chris just wanted to head straight home and sleep which I completely understood. 

"Do you want to head back to my place with me?" Chris asks as we head over to his truck. He had since thrown just a black T-shirt on since the Seattle air had become cool with the sun setting.

"If you're up for it, sure," I say as he leads me around to the passenger side of his truck and unlocks the door.

"I can't fucking wait to hit my bed... fuck I'm tired," He says as He opens the door for me.

I hop in and he closes my door then walks around to his side and hops in. He turns the ignition and suddenly the music blasts through the stereo system, making me jump.

"Shit! Sorry," He laughs as he quickly turns the stereo knob and I try to catch my breath.

"Holy fuck give me a heart attack," I giggle and he laughs. I noticed that it was Type O Negative coming through the speakers.

"So that's where that went," I say.

"Where what went?" Chris says as he buckles his seatbelt.

"My tape of Type O, I've been looking for that for a month, I thought I lost it," I say as I look at him and he smirks at me.

"You left it in the van," He says as we pull out of the parking lot.

"And you didn't tell me?" I giggle. Chris just gives me a guilty look and I smile at him. I knew I'd get him addicted to Type O Negative. 

•••

We arrive back at his apartment and I soon as I walk in, I notice that it was a lot more empty than before. There was only a kitchen table with chairs and a TV. The room that was Andy's had been completely cleared out, so it was just Chris's stuff in his room.

"I'm surprised you haven't moved anything out into the living room yet," I say as I take off my boots at the door.

"Meh... I don't know... I'm thinking I might see about either renting the other room out or just moving all together," Chris says as he sets his keys down on the table by the door.

"Is it weird without Andy here?"I ask as he walks into the kitchen. He grabs a beer from the fridge, offers me one as I walk over to the kitchen and take it from him.

"Yea a little... I mean at least I'm not listening to Xanna scream at him but I do miss hanging out with him in the middle of the night... sometimes when I couldn't sleep or just even when I had an idea for a song, he would help with his input and stuff... and also just hanging out with him in general... he's fucking hilarious... well, you know how he is." Chris says.

"Yea..."I say and take a sip of my beer.

"I guess I should go see him... I just don't want to have to hang out with Xanna too," Chris says and takes a sip.

"Why don't you just call him?" I ask.

"I guess I could... it's been a month since I've heard from him..." Chris says. As Chris takes the last sip of his beer, I could really tell he was tired. 

"You need to sleep don't you?" I say as I take the last sip of my beer.

"Yea," He says as he sets the empty bottle down on the counter. He turns back to look at me as I set my empty bottle down on the counter. We look at each other for a few moments and he reaches for my hand to kiss the back of it.

"Do you want me to stay?" I say quietly and he nods with his lips still pressed to the back of my hand. I smile at him and move to lead him out of the kitchen, down the hallway and to his bedroom. His room was exactly the same as before, his guitars everywhere, cords and effects pedals laying on the floor. His Marshall stack still sat in it's same place with the stool that he sat on to play the song that he wrote for me, all those months ago. The love I feel for him in this moment, as I look at that stool is indescribable. 

I lift my shirt up over my head as I walk over to his bed and let it fall to the floor. I feel him watch me as I unbuckle my jeans and gracefully push them off my hips and kick them off on to the floor revealing my black lacy panties and my black bra. I then unclasp my bra and toss it on to the floor, all the while knowing I was driving him crazy. As I turn down the blankets on the bed I see Chris lift his shirt off, his hair falling down around him and tossing his shirt onto the floor, then quickly unbuckling his shorts and kicking them off on to the floor so that he was just in his boxers. I climb up into the bed and he walks around to his side of the bed and climbs in. He immediately draws me into him as I get comfortable and snuggle into his warm bare chest. 

"This is the best part of my day... right here with you in my arms," He says softly as he grabs my thigh and moves it across his hips to press himself closer to me. I smile to myself I snuggle further into his chest and we both fall into a completely contented sleep.


	17. Puttin' On The Ritz

New York City, New York   
January 5, 1990

It was the beginning of a new year and Soundgarden's album 'Louder Than Love' was doing pretty well. They had gotten decent exposure from MTV which were playing both videos, 'Loud Love' and 'Hands all Over'. Chris was still weirded out about the fact that they are starting to gain much more attention from the media but it was a slow and steady incline. He was happy how everything was going and the more exposure they got, the more praise they got from critics and fans. 

Chris had moved to a new one bedroom apartment as the apartment that he once shared with Andy was just not for him any longer. Chris decided to move closer to me since I lived on the northeast side of Seattle. I was still working at the clothing store but I was slowly becoming, how do you say, bored with the same old thing... taking in new donations, hanging up new donations, cleaning the store and waiting for people to come in to buy. I was really wanting to try my hand at maybe designing and making my own clothes but I wasn't even sure how I would even go about that. I would even be satisfied if I just ran my own clothing store and then I could make things my own. Not have to answer to a boss. Set my own hours, though I know it would take up even more of my time if I ran my own business. These are things I really need to think about I guess. 

Along with Chris getting a lot more exposure, Susan, Their manager, has been around a lot more, setting up dates for gigs, and handling a lot more stuff for Soundgarden. It's weird because she was hardly ever around before and now since the release of 'Louder Than Love', she's be taking a lot more of an active roll in managing them. She seems ok from what I can tell, but I'm trying not to feel intimidated. Her presence is always well known and I feel it through my body every time she's in the room with Chris and the band. It's like her and Chris share something that I have no idea about, but I know Chris would never do anything... right?

Chris had invited me to go with him to New York as they had a gig at The Ritz with Faith No More and Voivod. The had previously opened for Voivod a few months back in California and The guys from Voivod liked them so much, They asked Soundgarden to tour with them for 12 shows starting at The Ritz in New York and included a date in Toronto Ontario at the Velvet Underground. I was so excited to go with him, and I couldn't wait to see my mom since Chris suggested we make a stop in Peterborough since it was so close to Toronto. 

I was nervous to go on a plane though. I hadn't been on a plane since I moved to Seattle which was now just over a year ago, but at least I would be with Chris. The last time, I was by myself and I was freaking out so bad, I had to get myself drunk just to relax. 

Anyways, we arrived in New York and we immediately checked into the hotel room at The East Village Hotel, which was just up the street from The Ritz. We get to our room and set our bags down by the bed. I wanted to take a quick shower so that I can get ready for tonight. Chris had to immediately go and do soundcheck for the show tonight so I will just be meeting him there. 

I get out of the shower and change into my black mini lacy long sleeve low cut dress, that hugged the curves of my body in all the right places, with my Doc Marten's and throw my hair up into a messy loose bun with some stray curls hanging down. I quickly do my make up and then head over to The Ritz to meet Chris. 

I walk inside and the door guy says it's alright to head back around the backstage area. He opens the side door and tells me where to go to get to the dressing room area. As I walk down the hallway, I see a crew of people and a guy with a camera heading towards the dressing room from behind me. As I finally reach the dressing room, I knock on the door and it was Kim who answers.

"Andi!" Kim says excitedly.

"Hey," I smile at him and he gives me a hug. I walk in the dressing room as I pull away from Kim and see that the dressing room was really small. There was just a couch and a little mini bar fridge set up on a table and that was it. There was a small bathroom of to the one side and then an area that you could hang your clothes up if you wanted. It sort of looked like a locker room. Chris turns from the mini bar fridge and sees me as he flips his dark untamed curly hair out of his face. My heart fluttered as I look at him in his leather jacket, his red and white patterned button up shirt underneath, with his black baggy shorts and his Doc Marten's. I swear I will never stop getting butterflies every time he lays his beautiful blue eyes on me. 

"Hi," Chris says cutely and smiles at me.

"Hi," I smile back as he moves towards me and places a quick kiss on my lips. He places his arm around my waist as I touch his bare chest through his jacket. I can smell the mixture of his cologne and the leather of his jacket and it was intoxicating. 

"Um... have you met Jason yet?" Kim asks me.

"No..." I say shyly as Kim gestures to the tall blonde drinking a beer next to the mini fridge.

"Jason... this is Andi... Chris's girlfriend," Kim says. Jason finishes his sip and just nods in my direction but doesn't say anything. I give him a half smile but he continues to drink his beer. My smile fades as he finishes his beer and immediately goes for another.

" Ok," I say quietly to myself instantly feeling awkward. Suddenly there was a knock at the dressing room door and Kim gives a weird look and opens it. There stood a girl holding an MTV microphone with a camera guy behind her.

"Hey I'm Tiffany and this is Steve my uh... camera guy from MTV, we're here to interview you guys before the show... is it still cool that we do the interview?" she asks as she looks at each of the guys

"Uh... sure..." Kim says and lets him through the door with Steve the camera guy. I pull away from Chris and take off my jacket, as he moves over with between Jason and Matt as they start an interview for MTV. 

"Ok... I guess we'll just get right into it?" She says to the camera guy and he nods.

"Ok well the question everyone wants to know is how you guys feel about being nominated for a grammy?" She asks as she points the mic towards them.

"yaaaayyyy..." Matt says unenthusiastically and everyone laughs.

"You know it's really... one of those things.. where you just gotta pinch yourself, you know just to make sure you're not dreaming" Chris says and holds up his arm and pinches it.

"You know you just hope someone you care about is coherent enough to just wake you up –" Kim starts but Chris interrupts and I couldn't help my laughter.

"You know I'm just gonna go ahead and pinch him right now, you know he likes it," 

"You know he has lots of skin right there too, and right there," Chris says and pinches Kim's chest and then moves to his cheek and Kim tries to pull away jokingly.

"No really though, it's really great," Chris smiles sincerely.

"You know actually I really don't care.." Kim jokes.

"Don't bring us down.." Chris jokes sadly and Kim gives him a look. I had to slam my hand over my mouth to keep from laughing my ass off.

"Ok it's great... it's fantastic," Kim says as he takes the mic but Tiffany take it back from him. 

"What do you think of the other bands that you're up against?" Tifffany asks.

"Um gee I wish they had nominated us for something, you know it would've represented more of a jury of our peers... you know we're very happy for Metallica... um good thing Jethro Tull isn't in the running this year and we're very happy for Faith No More and Queensryche..." Kim trails off and nods.

"Queensryche's from Seattle too right?" She asks.

"Yea...and uh we hope any one of those bands... they deserve it for sure," Kim says

"What do you think of the category you're under, Heavy Metal... do you guys consider yourselves a heavy metal band?" 

"Well The Grammy's do so... there's that," Kim sarcastically replies.

"Well what the Grammy's think is, you know.. what counts" Chris butts in with a sassy remark all of which is lost on Tiffany. I still had to contain my laughter from behind my hand. Chris looks at Matt Then back to Jason and Kim, flips his wild hair out of is face and smirks.

"Guys... it's official... we're Heavy Metal..." Chris concludes and everyone went silent. No one had any clue that they were all just making fun of everything and I loved every minute of it.

"Ok one other thing I just wanted to talk about here is your single 'Hands All Over' it just came out right...? ... so did you wanna tell us a bit about it?" Tiffany asks.

"Um... it's 4 minutes long, a little bit longer than the edited version," Kim starts.

"It's sort of an environmental piece and it's uh not about murder at all... its about regular men like these guys, marring everything good and pure – "Chris continues but Kim cuts him off again.

"But if you spin the record backwards it has a completely different meaning..."

"It says buy your mother flowers.." Chris says flatly and I swear I couldn't contain my laughter anymore. They all look directly at me and Chris smiles his biggest smile at me, as Tiffany gives me a dumbfounded look.

"See... she gets it," Chris smirks to the camera, and gesturing to me.

"I'm sorry..." I say quietly trying to stop laughing. Fuck I can be embarrassing sometimes.

"Um... ok...uh could you just tell us about the video?" She says as she slowly turns back to Chris. Chris points to Jason and Jason looks back at Chris.

"It's cooler than the first one," Jason says to the camera as Chris then points to Matt and Matt just busts out laughing as Chris giggles.

"We're still pinching ourselves," Kim says low and quiet

"We got real dirty filming it," Jason chimes in.

"It was a filmed in an abandoned steel foundry so there was this thick black cancer dust everywhere," Chris explains.

"There was a rat burrito we played in," Kim adds which made me giggle again.

"Yea and he didn't even take a shower afterwords... he just slept..."Chris points to Kim.

"He had some pretty nasty looking sheets the next day," Jason adds and Kim just smiles a big smile to the camera.

"Is this make Kim drink a whole bunch of beer day or something?," Kim says and laughs while Chris smirks at him a little confused as Kims remark comes out of nowhere.

"It is? I thought every day was that day," Jason says and suddenly there was awkward silence throughout the room.

"Well anyways... we're gonna go pinch ourselves some more so um... yea... goodnight..." Chris says awkwardly and indifferent and turns away from the camera.

"Wait, wait, wait just one more thing before we let you go, can you tell us about the bands you're playing with tonight?" Tiffany asks.

"Um Faith No More, great band, exciting band, were happy to be playing with them through these 12 shows, we've played with them 2 or three years ago, they are very supportive of us and all the way through this whole record signing and record making deal for us... and Voivod is great we're mutual admirers... it was great to find out that they were into us and we're into them," Kim explains

"And that blacky sure is cute," Jason chimes in.

"Yea he is the cutest... um we don't see much of Voivod cause they have their own spaceships that they use, that they take between shows you know, " Chris smirks

"You know they can teleport too, in and out, back and forth," Jason adds and Chris can't hold his laughter any longer.

"The reason why they're doing so well is because if they goof up or make a mistake they just go back and do it again so we're seeing a great show every night," Kim concludes. 

"Ok awesome... thanks guys..." Tiffany says after they finish the interview and cuts the camera. She shakes each one of their hands and heads out of the dressing room.

"Well... That was unexpected... she really didn't get our humour," Matt says.

"Yea..." Kim says and grabs a beer from the mini fridge.

"Best part was just fucking with them and they had no fucking clue," Chris laughs and flips his hair out of his face.

"Fuckin' right?" Matt laughs as I giggle. Chris looks over at me and gives me a wink. God damn it he's cute.

Then the dressing room door opens and I see Susan walk through the door. All of my laughter dissipated and I instantly feel awkward and out of place.

"I'm just going to head out the stage area..." I say to Chris as I gesture towards the door.

"No... stay it's ok..." Chris says as he walks over to me. I give him an apprehensive look. I feel intimidated by Susan and I want to run away as fast as I can. I honestly wish I knew why I felt that way. She's just their manager. 

"No it's fine... you guys need to talk about band stuff so... I'll just see you out there..." I say as I look up into Chris's eyes. He could tell how I was feeling and I could see it in his expression that there's something he's not telling me, but I can't put my finger on just what he's hiding.

I turn to walk out the door but Chris reaches for my hand. I turn to look back at him and he leads me out of the dressing room door into the hallway while Susan watches us walk out. He closes the door behind him and he leads me down the hallway a bit.

"Chris...?" I ask as leads me down the hallway. 

"Are you sure you're ok?" He asks me as he continues to lead me down the hallway to the side door.

"Yea... yea I'm fine... I just...it was just getting crowded in there," I say as we stop just outside the side door. He turns to look at me and I still get this feeling he's hiding something from me.

"You can stay backstage... you don't have to watch from the crowd you know," He says.

"I know..." I smile at him, hiding my insecurity. He leans down to me and presses his lips to mine. He pulls me closer to him as he grabs my hips and presses himself against me. The feeling of his lips send me into a world where everything no longer matters and we are the only 2 that exist. He reaches his hands up to cup my face as his lips move in rhythm with mine. I suck his irresistible bottom lip and he gently moans against me. His hands move back down to my hips and then down to my thigh, stopping just above the hem of my mini black dress. 

"Chris!!" Kim yells from down the hallway immediately making me jump and I quickly pull away from Chris, touching my lips, remembering his on mine. Chris laughs and I laugh too at my startled reaction.

"Ok you two..." Kim laughs.

"I love you baby," Chris whispers into my ear, feeling his warm breath on my earlobe which sent shivers all over my body.

"I love you," I whisper back and he slowly lets go of his hand on my hip and I watch him as he quickly walks back down the hall towards Kim.


	18. Uncovered

New York City, New York January 5 1990

"....so I have to leave here to help support Alice In Chains... if you guys need anything, and I mean anything, contact me ok?" Susan says as Chris walks back into the dressing room. Matt, Jason and Kim all nod in agreement as Susan lands her gaze on Chris. Chris locks eyes with her for a moment and quickly looks away as he flips his curls out of his face. Matt, Jason and Kim all break for another round of drinks and a smoke while Susan makes her way over to Chris.

"Hey... how are ya?" She says with an exhale.

"Good... good," Chris says nonchalantly. She looks at him for a few moments to try to catch his gaze though he avoids her eyes like the plague.

"Can... we talk for a minute?" She asks. He looks back at her quickly and shrugs.

"Yea sure," He says and she gestures for them to head out of the dressing room to stand just outside the closed door. She looks up at him trying to catch his eyes but he continues to avoid her.

"Chris whats wrong...? It's like you're uncomfortable around me or something..." She says. He flips his curls out of his face again but says nothing.

"Look... if this is still about us... tell me..." She says. He looks at her and tries to find the words.

"Well... fuck Susan... it is a little awkward don't you think?" Chris says as Susan looks at him.

"Chris... look... I know us working together is going to make this hard... but you know better than anyone I'm the best person you have to manage you guys. You know I always look out for you and that I have your best interest put forth. I know we didn't work out and that's fine. I'm over it... I'm over you. taking a back seat for that amount of time really helped me see things clearly..."

Chris couldn't help but feel a slight stab in the heart. He knew she was over him by the time he caught her fucking around with Bruce Pavitt, who started up Sub Pop records. Who is she to say she is over him. Of course she was and Chris was just strung along for the ride not knowing until he found her in her office that fateful day with Bruce fucking her like a rabbit on her desk. Chris may be younger than Susan but he still is old enough to know when someone is lying. 

Susan looks at him as he glances down at his feet, trying to hold in the long forgotten pain that came bubbling back to the surface.

"Chris...?" She says and he is pulled out of the black hole he slipped into for a few moments

"What...? no... it's fine... I'm over it," Chris says as he is pulls from his thoughts. She looks at him with a furrowed brow and touches his forearm as they stand in silence for a few moments.

"Ok... well like I said... you need anything... you know business wise...just call me ok?" She says. Chris nods as she pats his arm to re-assure him and she heads off down the hallway. Chris exhales loudly and pushes the pain back down into the pit of his stomach, where it usually stays, then opens the door to the dressing room to get ready. 

•••

As I move through the crowd, I make sure I get up close to the stage towards the right side so that I could see Chris perform. I don't know why I wanted to be out here, I just did not feel comfortable backstage while Susan was there. She makes me feel self conscious, like every time she's around the band and obviously doing 'band' things, I just feel like I'm not welcome. Honestly I shouldn't give a shit cause Chris wants me there.

The lights go down and I see a group of girls run to the front of the stage, drinks in hand, screaming Chris's name. It made me laugh a little as they were so freaking crazy. Then Chris walks out on stage with Kim, Matt and Jason as the crowd goes crazy. 

As Chris rips into 'Flower', he calls one of the roadies to the stage and I see him say something to him. I take a sip of my drink and the stage guy spots me and heads straight towards me.

"Andi!? Chris wants you backstage," He says as he gestures towards the back curtains.

"Ok," I say nervously and head to the stage with him while the girls that were at the front of the stage give me weird and dirty looks. 

I down the rest of my drink and set the empty glass on a table and follow him through the curtains and up the steps behind Matt. Chris glances back while in the middle of 'Flower' and flashes me a grin. I bit my lip and stay close to the side of the stage while watching him. As soon as the song ends he runs towards me, grabs my face and presses his lips to mine. Startled, I laugh a little against his lips as he quickly pulls away to grab his cherry-burst Gibson and walk back up to the mic again, slinging the guitar strap over his shoulder. 

"How ya doin....!? Lets start this show off Right!" He yells into the mic as the crowd cheers and he grabs the setlist and throws it into the crowd, then kicks right into 'Gun'.

As Soundgardens set continues, I notice that at times, Chris's guitar would cut out. I was hoping he didn't notice at all but during 'Loud Love', Chris started to get agitated. As I stood side stage watching him, I could tell he was not happy. Right in the middle of 'Loud Love', he walks up to one of the guitar techs that were standing beside me. 

"The fuck! What the fuck man? this was supposed to be tuned!" Chris yells.

"Sorry man,"

"Fucking fix it!" Chris yells.

I've never seen Chris get so mad before. I mean I've see him get mad obviously but not over something like this. Normally when this happens he's really nice about it. The guitar tech helps with his guitar while it's still slung around his shoulder, all the while Kim, Jason and Ben continue to play through 'Loud Love' looking at each other wondering what the fuck was going on. 

"Fucking hurry!!!" Chris yells angrily.

"Sorry man it was ready to go when I handed it to you,"

"Obviously fucking not... Fuck!" Chris exclaims at him. The guitar tech guy quickly tweaks the guitar as fast as he can but Chris walks angrily away from him. I look at the guitar tech guy – I wish I knew his name- with a sympathetic look and he looks at me re-assuringly. Why is Chris being such a dick?

Soundgarden's set finally ends as they they finish with the epic 'Beyond The Wheel' Chris had thrown his shirt into the audience a long time ago so his bare torso was completely soaked in sweat and water that he sprayed on himself and the crowed earlier. As Kim continues with his feedback against the amp, Chris throws the mic down and storms off passed me and down the stage stairs. I then follow Chris as heads out the side stage door down the hallway towards the dressing room. 

"Fuck!" He yells down the hallway, his voice echoing off the concrete walls. I jump at the sound as I slow my pace behind him. I can't tell if he notices me behind him or not. I walk slowly, following him as he disappears into the dressing room for a moment and then comes back out with his leather jacket on but still no shirt, his hair damp and slightly matted to his face. He walks towards me and catches my glance.

"You ready to go?" He says abruptly as he looks at me with a frustratedly. At first he caught me off guard and then my defences take over.

"Yes I'm ready," I say with a hint of sarcasm.

"Well fucking, get your shit and lets get the fuck outta here," Chris says as he stops in front of me. I look up at him still startled by his reaction and how he's talking to me. I give him a snarky look as I do not appreciate his tone with me at the moment.

"What?" He says sarcastically as he gives me an impatient look.

"What do you mean 'what?' why are you talking to me like that?" I retort.

"I just wanna get the fuck outta here now hurry up and lets go," He says impatiently. I give him another snarky look and walk towards the dressing room. I pull open the door violently and quickly grab my jacket, throw it on and then walk back out the door towards Chris. He stands there looking at me, clearly upset about something and starts to take it out on me. 

"Why didn't you grab your stuff before?" He says sharply.

"Cause you asked me to meet you backstage," I say.

"You still could've came back here before," Chris says as I catch up to him while he turns and walks down the hallway towards the outside back door. His pace is hurried and because he's 6 foot 2 and I'm a merely 5 foot 5 I feel like I'm running to catch up to him. He pulls open the side door and waits for me to catch up.

"Gee thanks," I say sarcastically to him and walk through the door. He angrily pushes through the door and walks passed me.

"You're fucking welcome," He calls back to me. What the serious fuck is going on here? I slow down my pace again as he walks towards the lobby door and heads outside. I then casually walk out the same doors and see him walking ahead. He turns back noticing I'm not beside him and pulls out his pack of smokes and lights up a cigarette. 

"Are you fucking coming or what?" He calls to me as he stops to wait for me. I give him a sarcastic look as I take my time walking up to him, my hands in fists inside my leather jacket pockets. He takes a drag of his smoke and then turns to walk back towards the hotel with me following just behind him. He reaches the hotel room just before me and opens the door, leaving it open for me to walk through. As I get through the door he butts out his smoke in the ashtray on the bedside table and rips off his leather jacket and tosses it on the chair. I slowly untie my Docs and kick them off by the door as I close the door behind me. I stand there by the door not sure if I should move or not. I don't know why I do that, I just always did when someone was mad, like my mom, and when she would yell and scream at me I always was frozen where I stood.

"Are you coming in or what?" Chris says peevishly as he sits down on the bed to untie his Doc's.

"I honestly don't know," I say defensively as he looks up at me. He looks at me confused as if he didn't know just how he was acting with me.

"What does that mean?" He asks flatly.

"It means I don't want to be near you at all right now," I say.

"For fuck sakes... Andi... I just want to lay down and sleep," Chris says irritatedly.

"You are the one who started it, you have been nasty to me since the show ended," I say angrily.

"Fuck... ok then I'm sorry can we just sleep now?" He says impatiently with his eyes glaring at me.

"No... I'm not getting in that bed with you... I don't need a pity apology like that," I say defensively and grab my Doc Martens to put them back on. 

"Fuck... of course you would leave," Chris says and takes off his other boot.

"What?" I ask angrily.

"That's what you're good at," Chris says flatly. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

"I'm leaving cause you're being an asshole,"

"Ok right... I'm an asshole..." Chris retorts sarcastically. 

"Well what the fuck would you call it then?" I start to shout at him.

"I asked you to stay backstage with me but no, you wanted to go out to the crowd and not be anywhere near me at all,"

"I went out to the crowd because Susan showed up and I didn't want to get in the way," I say desperately to him.

"Andi... I don't know why you think you're in the way all the fucking time..."Chris starts to shout back at me.

"I feel that way because Susan makes me feel that way. How come all of a sudden, she's around so much more than before...?"

"She's our manager... she has to be around, trust me I don't fucking like it either!" Chris shouts at me as he stands up from the bed.

"Why? Is there something going on between you two? Because every time she shows up, you turn into this!" I shout back.

"Turn into what?"

"A dick!" I shout. He looks at me but doesn't say anything back. That was all the reason I needed. 

"I fucking knew it," I say as tears start to well up in my eyes.

"Andi... no it's not like that at all..."Chris starts to calm down he steps toward me but I shrink back from him.

"Andi... there's nothing going on between us..." He pleads.

"Yea right," I say sarcastically trying to hold back tears.

"There isn't... look... we used to be together but that was a long time ago..."

"What?" I say shocked as my heart hits the floor. They used to be together? What the fuck?

"We were together before... but we split up before I met you. She just stayed our manager because we didn't have anyone else... trust me, there's nothing going on between us at all," Chris pleads as he steps closer to me. I had no idea what to say or think. I just stood there looking at him not knowing how to feel.

"Andi... I'm sorry I was being a dick... I just, the show was not going the way I liked, my guitar kept cutting out and Nick didn't bother tuning it right even though he said he did and... talking to Susan before just, it put me in a bad headspace..."

I look at him and quickly wipe away a stray tear that fell down my cheek and cross my arms over my chest.

"Then why do you take it out on me?" I ask.

"I don't mean to take it out on you, I'm just pissed off," Chris explains. I look away from him and down at my untied Doc Martens. He turns and walks over to the little mini bar fridge and grabs 2 beers, opens one of them and holds it out for me to take. I look at the beer and slowly reach up and take it from him. 

"Why didn't you just tell me then? Why did you feel the need to hide it?" I say as I look at the beer bottle in my hand.

"I wasn't hiding it... I just... I don't know... I don't know why I didn't say anything... probably because Susan and I broke up a long time ago and I just wanted to forget about it," Chris says as he steps closer to me.

"Then what did she say to put you in such an asshole mood?" I ask as I look up at him. Chris smirks at me to try to lighten my anger but it didn't help much. I was still pissed at the way he was talking to me before.

"Nothing... she said she didn't want the relationship that I had with her to make things awkward and difficult... that she was over me and wanted to make sure I was over her,"Chris says as he moves one of my stray curls that had escaped from my hair tie out of my face.

"Are you?" I ask still slightly angered.

"Yes... yes of course I am," Chris says as he looks into my eyes intensely.

"Then what made you flip out and act that way?" I ask. Chris closes his eyes and exhales to gather his thoughts and sets the beer bottle down on the table. 

"I just... it brought up old pain... that I don't want to talk about because... it was a long time ago... and I just want to forget about it," He says as he opens his eyes and looks at me.

"But you're obviously not forgetting about it cause it still pisses you off," I say.

"That's because no one will let me forget about it," Chris's voice begins to rise in anger again and I flinch a little. He sighs loudly and turns from me to sit down on the bed and puts his head in his hands, his damp hair falling down around him.

"Chris- " I start but he cuts me off.

"Ok you want me to tell you, I'll fucking tell you then... Susan and I had met in '85 and we started dating. Once the band started to get some small exposure, we needed a manager when we were offered a record deal for an EP in '86. We took the deal with Sub Pop and she became our manager. It was great you know... whatever and then for whatever reason... she became distant and it probably didn't help that we were busy with record promotions or whatever... and well... I basically found her in her office fucking Bruce Pavitt. I confronted her but she denied it... then later on I found out she was fucking him all along behind my back during our whole relationship.... That's why I'm pissed, that's why it hurts and that's why I'm just trying to forget about it ok?" Chris confesses as he looks up at me, his expression more pleading than angry. 

I suddenly now know why back in California all those months ago, he became extremely jealous of Baz and why we had that fight. I set my beer down on the table by the door, step out if my untied Doc's and walk over to him. I stand in front of him for a moment and then I kneel down in front of him between his legs. I was tired of being mad and I didn't want to argue with him anymore. He looks at me as I move in closer and I place a kiss on his bare chest. 

"Andi... I am sorry I was acting that way... I'm sorry I'm such a dick-"

"Shhhhh," I hush him with my lips against his toned chest and move my lips up to his throat. It's like all the anger inside of me instantly turned to lust and I just wanted to be with him. He groans a little deep in his throat as I move my lips to his clean shaven jawline and gently bite playfully. I pull my lips away from him and he moans disappointedly. I stand up in front of him and walk towards the ensuite bathroom as I pull my dress up over my head and let it fall to the floor. I feel him watch me as I walk towards the bathroom in my black thong and lacy bra.

"Baby...?" His voice cracks as I unclasp my bra and let it fall to the floor and walk into the bathroom to turn on the shower. I leave the door open as I slowly push my thong over my hips while I wait for the water to get hot. He stands up from the bed and instantly drops his shorts to the floor leaving only his boxers on. He follows me into the bathroom and watches me step into the shower stall.

"Well are you coming in or what?" I say teasingly. He lifts his eyebrow and smirks. He drops his shorts to the bathroom floor and steps into the shower stall with me. I quickly clean myself while he watches me do so and I can tell that my teasing was driving him insane. He quickly suds himself up as well as we both stand under the warm running water. He leans down into me and presses his lips to mine while I reach up and wrap my arms around his neck. As the water streams down between us, I suck his bottom lip while he presses his body against mine. I can feel his shaft becoming more excited by the moment as our lips move with each other, my tongue playing with his.

He moves me to the wall of the shower stall and presses me up against it, holding me there while his lips find their way to my jawline and he begins to bite playfully like I did to him just moments before. The feeling if his warm wet body against mine is so amazing that I can't help myself. I lift my right leg up and he grabs my thigh to help lift me up a little to support me. He continues to kiss and bite my neck and with one swift movement He thrusts his length inside me. I gasp at the overwhelming intoxicating feeling of him inside me as he slowly begins to move, allowing me time to become adjusted to his size.

"Holy shit, I love it when you fuck me," I whimper as his thrusts send shivers all over my body. He slams his hand against the wall beside my head as he groans with immense pleasure. I hold his wrist for support as I press my lips to his forearm feeling the softness of his hair as he continues to slowly but sensually thrust into me.

"I love it when you let me fuck you," Chris pants as he continues to bite my jawline playfully down to my neck and to my shoulder being careful not to leave any marks. The feeling of his teeth softly biting me send shivers up and down my whole body. I whimper threading my fingers through his soaking wet hair as his thrusts begin to pick up the pace, causing me to moan even louder than before. Chris breaks his lips away from my skin and throws his head back as he continues to support me while he thrusts, consuming the very core of my being. While I press myself against the wall, I open my eyes to see his eyes flutter shut as my muscles contract around him and I feel that familiar but indescribable feeling of falling all over again. 

"Chris..." I manage to breathe out in pure ecstasy.

"Jeezus fuck... I love... you...!" He cries out as he expels his orgasm inside me, feeling the liquid warmth emerging from him. I try to regain my balance against him as I look at him, his eyes closed and panting, the water washing over him in the most beautiful way. He finally has the strength to open his eyes to see me and he carefully lets my leg down and catches me as I stumble, causing us both to laugh at my clumsiness. 

"Fuck that was so fucking good..." I giggle, still feeling high from my orgasm. He leans back down and presses his lips to mine, his tongue thrusting into my mouth and battling for dominance over mine. To overcome his assertiveness I gently bite his bottom lip and pull away from him.

"You drive me insane you know that?" He laughs as he touches his bottom lip.

"Good..." I laugh back at him and before he could trap me in his embrace again, I quickly jump out of the shower stall, grab my towel and run out of the bathroom.

"Get back here you!" He calls after me and turns the shower off.

"Oh Hell no!" I laugh back at him. He emerges from the bathroom, a towel wrapped around his hips, quickly walking toward me and scooping me up in his arms and carrying me bridal style over to the bed, all the while I squeal, laughing hysterically as he throws me on the bed. Chris climbs up over top of me and attacks my collarbone with his lips while I try to control my laughter. His lips move down to my chest where my towel covered my breasts and he moves his hands up to the rim of my towel and pulls it down. My laughter quiets down as he continues to brush his lips across my skin moving to my nipple and ever so gently nipping at it with his teeth, his damp curly hair falling down around me. I exhale slowly as he removes my towel completely tossing it onto the floor while his hands move to my ribs and I arch my back to him raising my arms above my head. 

His touch sends me to a world where only he and I exist, where everything that's bad in the world flutters away and the only thing that matters is us in this moment. I have never loved anyone as much as I love him in my entire existence. His fingers trail down my sides and to my hips while I close my eyes and eagerly open my legs for him. 

"Excited are we?" Chris giggles and I nod as a smile spreads across my face, anticipating what his is about to do to me. He immediately move down to my hips, placing soft kisses on my hipbone, across my abdomen until he reaches just above my core. My breath hitches as I feel his hands move just around my clit but not actually touching, torturing me all along the way. 

"Oh my God Chris, you're driving me crazy," I exclaim and he laughs low and deep enjoying every minute of the madness he is causing. He continues to place soft sweet kisses on my hip and then, just like what I was waiting for, he places his lips softly on my clit as he moves my legs to reveal myself to him even more. The feeling is almost overwhelming due to the torturous anticipation leading up to the moment. 

He starts slow and gentle, his tongue gently flicking and playing with my clit, using various circular motions as his fingers trail to just outside my slit, gently stroking and caressing every inch of my core. I let out a moan from deep within myself and take in a deep breath as I grip the bedsheets above my head. He then inserts his fingers inside me gently teasing and stroking at my sweet sensitive spot while he begins to suck my clit slowly and sensually. 

"Fuck... Chris... you are so... fucking good... at that," I whimper as my words flow out with the rhythm of my panting. I take in a deep breath, in an attempt to control my panting and not wanting to loose myself too quickly. Chris starts to suck my clit more persistently and intently as he pumps his digits quicker than before, still stroking the perfect spot, hitting all the right places. He moves his lips away from me which surprises me as well as leaving slight disappointment and replaces his lips with his thumb, stroking perfectly causing my temperature to rise inside me. 

Chris glances in my direction watching my reaction to him. I begin to move my hips in response to his touch while the feeling of warmth from deep inside me begins to take over. I moan as I attempt to catch my breath and get control of myself, but who was I kidding? He has me wrapped around his finger and knows exactly how to make me succumb to his will, all by the touch of his fingers. Fingers that stroke me just like the way he does with his beautiful cherry-burst Gibson. 

Suddenly, while I'm lost in my fantasy of his touch, I feel that wonderful feeling from deep inside.

"Chris....oh god..." I pant as I arch my back and grip the blankets as hard as I can.

"Yes baby... just let it go..." Chris coaxes and the sound of his voice sends me over the edge. I release myself, letting go of everything inside me, screaming his name and forever falling, never touching the ground. 

"Fuck baby, I need to be inside you," He growls, his voice deep with lust. He moves back over top of me and as my breathing somewhat returns to normal, his lips crash to mine, his tongue fighting with mine in a battle that I eventually win. I reach up and thread my fingers through his beautiful dark curly hair and wrap my legs around his waist. He thrusts himself inside me and once again slow and sensual at first but then as I become adjusted to him, which does not take very long this time, He begins to pick up the pace. His lips break away from mine and he hovers over me, my hands moving from his hair down to his toned smooth bare chest and stopping just at his heart to feel it beating hard and intense. I watch him over me, reacting to the movements of my hips, matching each thrust with a rhythm only he and I share. His eyes closed, a furrowed brow, his lips part and a groan low from deep within him, shake my body to the core. 

"Chris... I fucking love you," I pant, my chest heavy, my heart pounding. He opens his eyes for a moment to lock them on mine and it is this moment, right here, that we fit perfectly together. As if he was my missing piece of the puzzle I had been searching for my whole life.

"Andrea... " He murmurs.

"Cum for me Chris... " I whisper, my voice taking on a different identity all together. One that isn't shy and awkward and self conscious about everyone and everything around her. A voice I never thought I'd find within myself. His eyes flutter shut and he throws his head back and cries out in a way I had never heard from him before. His voice filled with pure intense emotion and pleasure as he releases himself inside me, the sensation of his orgasm sending me into pure ecstasy as I release myself all over him once more. 

Chris slowly collapses down on top of me, his hands moving to my face to brush some of the stray hair that has matted to my cheeks. He looks into my eyes as a smile spreads across his flushed lips, his bottom lip teasing me as he brushes it across my lip.

"Do you know how beautiful you are?" He says, his voice quiet and husky, his lips still grazing mine as he speaks.

"Chris..." I say suddenly self consciously as I am never good at accepting compliments. His lips gently touch mine and move to my jawline, once again he bites and nibbles causing me to laugh at his playfulness. We stay that way for a few more moments, just relishing in each other. He then moves his head down to my chest, cupping my breast in his hand and gently stroking my nipple with his thumb. I lace my fingers through his hair, playing with his soft curls that have now started to dry. I close my eyes and just enjoy this moment as I listen to the sound of his breathing become slow and deep. I fall into a deep sleep dreaming of a wonderful world where it is only Chris and me with music that never ends.


	19. Meet The Parent?

Peterborough Ontario, Canada   
January 7, 1990

We arrive at Pearson airport early in the morning and it felt amazing to be back home. The familiar air, much colder than Seattle, stings my lungs but welcomes me with open arms. I am home. 

Chris and I grab our luggage and meet up with Kim. Matt and Jason took a later flight as they had a few interviews to do before landing in Toronto. 

"Fucking hell it's cold," Chris shivers as we stand outside the airport waiting for the cab driver to take us to the hotel. He was the one silly enough to wear his baggy black shorts with his Doc Marten's and just a black T-Shirt under his leather jacket.

"I told you so," I say to him as I am obviously more bundled up with my 2 layers of sweaters, my ripped skinny jeans, my Doc Marten's and my denim jacket with all my band patches on it. It was the dead of winter but there was no snow to be seen, just extremely cold. Kim lights up a smoke and shivers himself.

"Yea but it's like Fucking cold, not just cold... Fucking cold," Kim says as he lets out a puff of his smoke. 

"Jeezus, you think you guys were from out west or something," I joke as I look at Kim and Kim squints his eyes at me and smirks sarcastically as I laugh. I for one, even though I had been living in Seattle for a year now, was used to it being minus 20 in the dead of winter here. 

"You're just lucky there's no wind," I say.

"Oh fuck that," Chris shivers as his breath forms a cloud around him and I giggle as I rub his back and arm for warmth. The cab finally pulls up and we all hop in and make our way to the hotel. 

As soon as we check in, Kim heads to his room and Chris and I head up to ours. Chris opens the door and immediately heads over to the old radiator and stands in front of it for warmth. 

"I told you it was going to be cold," I say as I set my bag down by the bed.

"Uh huh," Chris shivers and turns to face me, sitting on the radiator to warm his butt. 

"Ok I thought I knew cold until I got here... I mean what the fuck?!" Chris says and I giggle.

"Well now you know to actually put on pants and a sweater," I say. Chris looks at me under his brow and rolls his eyes. 

"What time do you have to head to Peterborough?" He asks as he cups his hands to his lips and breathes to warm them up.

"Um, the bus leaves in about an hour and it takes about and hour to get there, so I'll be back in time for your show tonight,"

Chris nods and then raises his eyebrow, and looks like he's thinking about something.

"What?" I ask as I head over to the bed, sit down crosslegged and take off my jacket.

"Why don't I just drive you there?" He says.

"Chris... no it's fine... I can just take the bus,"

"No really... We don't have anything planned today... I don't have to be to the venue until like way later tonight for soundcheck... our show doesn't start until 9... and I really don't know this town or your town at all... so why don't I just drive you?" He says and stands up to face the heater, putting his hands out to warm up the last of him. 

I thought it over for a few moments not sure if I want him to meet my mother. I start to become nervous as I play over in my head how it might go. My mom was never great at accepting my boyfriends which is why I only had one serious relationship before Chris and even that was a struggle to get her to like him. Though now I see why she didn't. If I had only listened to her. I just don't want her to judge Chris the same way. Chris is the total opposite of my ex, in terms of personality, his looks of course, well I guess you could say I have a type. 

"You... want to meet my mom?" I ask hesitantly and raise my eyebrow at him. He turns and looks at me with a smirk and a giggle.

"Why? Is that so bad?"

"Uh..." I hesitate.

"Andi... It's just your mom right? Do you not want me to meet her?" Chris asks curiously.

"No... no it's not that... she's just..." I trail off and look down at my hands.

"Babe... I'm not gonna say anything to embarrass you,"

"No... I know... I just don't want you to feel awkward or judged...you know," I say as I look back up at him.

"Don't worry... it'll be fine... I'll be fine," Chris smiles re-assuringly at me. I half grin back at him as he has no clue what he's getting himself into.

•••

Chris changes into warmer clothes, his black long sleeve 90 sweater and his ripped jeans, that I made him take just in case and we leave the hotel. We head down to the local car rental place that I knew was just down the street to pick out a car that was available which was just a small Nissan Pathfinder and we head to Peterborough. I didn't even need a map to guide Chris the way there. I had made this trip back and forth so many times in my life it was like second nature.

The only thing is that I forgot to bring any music with me for the trip to Peterborough as I wasn't prepared for Chris to come with me, so I just turn on the radio. 

Chris, so adorable, cranks the radio and starts grooving to Kansas's 'Carry On Wayward Son' which makes me laugh.

In pretty much no time at all, we arrive in Peterborough and all of the memories come flooding back to me. It almost takes my breath away at how much a simple little nothing town still has this effect on me. I guide Chris down the highway that leads into the main street and lead him down the downtown core passed my old highschool that Baz and I used to attend. 

"Fuck it's weird being back here..." I exhale and Chris smiles at me.

"You know it's pretty cool to actually see where you came from though... it almost looks like it's locked in time... all the old buildings... not a lot of big industry change..."Chris says.

"Not yet anyways," I say and he giggles. I lead him down to the east side of town, Towards where my mom lives. She lives in a high rise apartment up on the tallest hill in the city. Chris parks the car in the parking lot and we get out and head to the front lobby. As we walk through the first set of doors to the lobby, I stare at the buzzer, frozen and regretting my decision to have Chris come with me. 

"Babe whats wrong?" Chris looks at me as he flips his curls out of his face. I stand silently looking at my mothers name beside the buzzer and wanting to run away, but yet wanting to see her so badly. It's such a conflicting emotion.

"Uh... nothing," I shake myself out of my daze and press the buzzer beside her name. Chris looks at me with a smile as I stare at her name.

"Hello?" My moms voice comes through the speaker.

"Uh, hi mom, it's me," I say awkwardly as my voice cracks and the lobby door buzzes. I look up at Chris with him still smiling at me and turn to open the lobby door. Chris grabs the door and holds it for me as I walk through. He follows behind me, his footsteps heavy carrying his tall frame. I stop at the elevator doors and wait for it to open. I step through as Chris follows. I hit the button to her floor and stand silent and frozen. Fuck I'm so goddamn nervous. Chris looks down at me and reaches for my hand lacing his fingers through mine. 

We get to her floor and I step off the elevator and look down the hallway to see my mom walking in my direction. Her small tiny frame carrying her down the hallway, her dark curly hair just like mine bouncing as she walked. A flood of emotions run through me, I missed her.

"Andrea my dear," She says, her voice tiny yet hoarse. I instantly feel tears welling up.

"Hi, mommy," I say not realizing I reverted back to a little girl who couldn't wait to see her mom. I walk towards her and she embraces me in a hug. It threw me off at first because we are not affectionate towards each other at all. When I was a little girl it was different but as I grew up, hugs like this never took place until now. 

"It's been so long... Jeezus you look so different," She laughs as she pulls away from me and I wipe a tear a way as I laugh with her. She glances behind me and I realize I had forgotten Chris was behind me.

"Hello," She smiles to him.

"Hi," He says cutely back.

"Oh my God sorry... I uh... mom this is Chris..." I shake myself for being rude as I wipe my eye. 

"Hello Chris," She smiles at him.

"Hi," He smiles back.

"Well come on in, lets not stand out here like dummies," She says as she turns back to lead us to her apartment. I look back at Chris and he raises his eyebrow at me and smirks. 

•••

"So... Chris... you have a band?" My mom asks him as she sips her coffee. We sit in her living room, Chris and I on the couch while she sits in her chair.

"Uh... yea... we're uh playing tonight in Toronto actually...It's our only date in Canada so I suggested to Andrea here to come and see you since she told me it had been a while," He says casually, his leg resting across his knee.

"Oh... so what do you play?" She asks and my heart starts to beat a little faster.

"Um... do you mean music wise or...?"

"Sure," She smiles.

"Um... well everything really... I started out as a drummer and then now I do vocals and guitar..."

"Very nice," My mom says so politely. My heart starts to calm down as I now I realize that she's not judging him at all. In fact she's practically elated at how I am doing and how we're doing together. 

"You know... Andrea's dad used to have a band when she was little..."

Oh no here we go.

"She followed him around everywhere... I swear she was permanently attached to him even when he played.... She'd go down into the basement of our old house when he practiced with his band and she'd sit on the stairs and just watch him... it was adorable..."

"Mom..." I say flatly trying to get her to stop. Chris looks at me and laughs.

"It's ok... I can actually picture you doing that..." Chris says to me and giggles.

"You remind me a lot of her dad... In a good way of course," She says and I feel my cheeks flush with embarrassment. Chris looks at me smiling away and I feel like I want to crawl under the couch.

"Have you talked to your dad lately?" She asks me as I sip my coffee.

"Uh... no... we haven't talked since I moved to Seattle," I say as I put my coffee cup down on the table.

"Yea I figured that would happen... Her dad was really upset when she left... though he doesn't show it to her but does he ever show it to me though..." She says to Chris and sips her coffee. Chris nods not sure what to say and looks at me to make sure I'm ok.

"Mom, what do you mean?" I ask confused.

"Oh you know how he gets... gives you the silent treatment for a while and stubborn as hell...but he wont tell you he's upset with you, he'll wait til you cave in and then pretend that there wasn't even a problem in the first place..." She says.

"Yea..." I say quietly as I look straight ahead and then down at myself. I feel Chris move his hand to my thigh as he looks at me with slight concern. I glance at him and give him a half smile to let him know I'm ok. 

We talk with my mom a little bit longer, her asking Chris a little more about himself. He was so sweet with her too. He just let the conversation flow, not hiding anything. By the end of our visit I could tell she accepted him and I wasn't expecting it at all. 

"Well it was good to meet you Chris... I hope to see you again soon," She says as we walk to the door.

"Yea it was good to meet you too," He says sweetly and smiles. 

"I'll uh just run out and warm up the car ok?" Chris says to me and places a kiss on my temple. I nod and he heads out the door. I turn back to my mom and I suddenly didn't want to leave. 

"Andrea... I'm really glad you met someone like him... he's good for you," She says to me.

"Awe mom... thanks," I smile at her and she manages a smile to me but I can tell that there's something she's not telling me.

"Mom... what is it?" I ask concerned.

"Nothing... Just um...I was going to tell you when you got here but I didn't know you were bringing Chris... which I said I am really glad I was able to meet him..."

What does she mean 'was'?

"... I uh... I have leukaemia... and I've already started treatment so don't worry I'm going to be fine... I just needed to tell you face to face because it's not something I just want to say over the phone..." 

I suddenly had the floor ripped out from under me lost in the cloudiness of her voice. The was a sharp ringing in my ear that I couldn't shake and I started to panic, though my exterior remained calm...

•••

"Come, on Andi... we need to get back on the road," Chris says as he taps the steering wheel. He looks in the rearview mirror and sees me walking towards the car. I open the door and climb in as Chris smiles at me.

"You ready babe?" He asks. I sit quietly for a few moments. I wanted to burst into tears but I can't do that here. I have to be strong, I have to not let it show. 

"Babe...?" Chris asks me pulling me out of my cloudiness.

"Yea... yea I'm ready..." I say quietly. He looks at me concerned but I look back at him and smile, hiding my fear and sadness.

"See... it wasn't that bad... I knew she would like me..." He grins his most handsome grin, which makes me want to curl up in his arms and hide from the world and take away this numbness that I feel inside. 

"Alright... lets get this fucking party started!" He exclaims making me laugh even though I don't want to.

He pulls out of the parking lot and I guide him back through the town, onto the highway and back to Toronto. I really need a fucking drink.


	20. The Velvet Underground

Toronto Ontario, Canada   
January 7, 1990

An hour later we arrive back in Toronto and drop off the rental car just down the street from the hotel we were staying at. Chris and I run up to the room and I needed to change into something less layered since we will be at a club and I don't want to get too sweaty. I take a quick shower and change into some black distressed leggings with my Doc Marten's I leave my hair down and curly and throw on my newly modified Pantera shirt that I had picked up in a thrift store in New York. It had the 'Cowboys From Hell' logo on the front with all the band members – Phil, Rex, Vinny and of course, Dime. Chris had changed as well, wearing his Nirvana muscle tank and again jean shorts with his Doc Marten's but I get it, he doesn't want to over heat either.

I checked the back to make sure I laced it properly like I usually do in the mirror, and Chris walks up behind me, placing his hands on my hips and leaning down into me brushing his lips across my earlobe.

"You look good baby," He says low and husky in my ear. I close my eyes and lean into him, feeling his soft lips graze against my skin. I wanted to wrap myself up in his arms and never leave. I smile to myself as his curls tickle my bare shoulder and I reach up and lace my fingers through his hair as he softly trails his lips down my neck. 

"I need a drink, how about you?" I say quietly with my eyes still closed enjoying his lips on my skin.

"Sure," He says with his lips against my skin. I drop my hand from his hair and move away from him over to the mini bar fridge as he watches me pour a shot of Jack into a shot glass and another for him. I grab the two shot glasses and move back over to him and hand him the shot. He takes it from me and raises his eyebrow at me.

"Alright, I didn't know you were into shots now," Chris smirks.

"What? Are you kidding? Jack is the best when it's straight up," I say and he looks at me with a smirk.

"Uh huh..." He says skeptically. I knock back the shot and he watches me and I don't even flinch. It burns like heaven. He knocks back his shot after me a I see him make a bit of a face but he holds it.

"You were saying?" I say to him and he smirks at me again. He shrugs and looks at me dumbfounded a little that I didn't react to it burning me at all. I turn back to the fridge and pour myself another one. I look back at him and offer him another as well.

"Sure.. but that's it... I can't get too fucked up before the show..." He says and holds out his shot glass while I pour some more for him.

" Ok," I say as I turn to face him, clinking my glass to his and we both knock back our drinks. He still makes a slight face but I show nothing and turn back to set the glass on the table. I have to admit, those 2 shots did take the edge off a bit. 

•••

We arrive at The Velvet Underground early and head to the backstage area. The bar hadn't even opened up yet at it was still only 7pm. Chris finds our way back to the dressing room which consisted of a lounge area, a mini bar, and a full ensuite bathroom and shower. Kim walks in the door behind us and he greets Chris.

"Hey man," Kim smiles.

"Hey," Chris says.

"Andi!" Kim says excitedly to me and gives me a hug. He smells of beer and cigarettes mixed with his warm cologne.

"Hey" I laugh as he still hugs me while Chris walks over to the fridge for a beer and honestly I really needed this hug right now. I know Kim has no idea but a part of me wanted to crumble into a pile of broken pieces on the floor. Kim pulls away from me and smiles his biggest smile at me. He obviously has dipped into the beer this afternoon.

"Drink?" Kim asks me.

"Fuck yea," I laugh and he walks over to the bar fridge to grab a beer and he hands me one. 

"Matt and Jason show up yet?" Kim asks Chris.

"No... well I haven't seen them, we just got here," Chris says as he watches me take off my jacket and take a drink of my beer.

"Cool... so what'd you guys do all day?" Kim asks and takes a sip.

"Uh... we went to see her mom... I met her for the first time today..." Chris takes a sip of his beer.

"Oooh how'd that go?" Kim asks eagerly.

"It was actually fine... Andi was worried for some reason... but her mom's really sweet... I was glad I was able to finally meet her," Chris says and takes a sip of his beer. I sit down in the corner of the couch and sip my beer as I try to not feel the way I feel right now. As more people arrive, members from Faith No More, and Voivod all join in the dressing room and I feel out of place like I want to run away. I want to run away and drink to make this feeling go away, and it sucks cause I can't talk about it right now. I don't want to ruin anything for Chris and the guys so I'm hiding it away.

A little bit goes by and Soundgarden isn't set to go on for another hour as Faith No More takes the stage. I still sit on the couch quietly, now on my third beer and I am starting to feel buzzed but not quite drunk yet. Chris is over on the other side of the room talking to one of the guys from Voivod and I see him shoot me a glance every once and a while and offering a smile while I sit on the couch and enjoy the feeling my beer is giving me. Kim then drops down beside me. 

"Andi... how's it going?" He says and sips his beer. I look up at him and smirk.

"It's good," I sip my beer.

"You ok?" Kim asks.

"Yea why?" I lie.

"I don't know... I mean I'm all for quiet and reserved but, you just seem... like somethings on you're mind or something," Kim says as he looks at me.

"No... I'm ok," I lie.

"Ok well... I got your back you know that right? I mean we've all got your back," Kim says and I nod at him.

"Alright," Kim says and takes another sip as I look down at my nearly empty beer.

"I think I need another drink," I say and I get up from the couch and walk over to the mini bar fridge as Kim looks up at me for a second, then get up from the couch himself and heads over to Chris. 

"Hey... uh... I think you should talk to Andi," Kim says and Chris turns to look at him. Chris looks over at me as I crack open another beer and take a sip.

"Why? What's wrong?" He says.

"I don't know... there's something going on with her... I can tell... she's really quiet tonight... but not her usual quiet... like different quiet... you know?" Kim says. Chris glances back over to me as I take another sip and lean against the table by myself. 

"She seems ok to me..." Chris says and sips his beer.

"No man... you need to talk to her," Kim says a little worried. Chris takes the last sip of his beer and walks over in my direction. 

"Hi baby," Chris says sweetly to me. I look up at him and he places a kiss on my forehead as he sets his empty bottle down on the table I was leaning on.

"Hey," I say quietly.

"You ok?" Chris asks.

"Yep..." – lie

Chris looks at me while I look straight ahead and then glance up at him again and half smile at him. He reaches up and brushes a few curls from my forehead and then brushes his index finger under my chin and gives me a smirk. I smile up at him and he leans down and presses his soft lips to mine. His lips touching mine make me feel like I'm worlds away from all that is bad and horrible right now and I wish we could just go back to Seattle and hide in his room and never come out.

"Ok guys... it's showtime!" Matt yells over everyone.

Chris pulls away from my lips and takes my hand and leads me out of the dressing room to the back stage area. Chris's guitar tech hands him his cherry-burst Gibson and he slings it over his shoulder while I follow him up to the stage. I move myself off to the side and Chris turns back to me and places another kiss on my lips. He pulls away from me and heads out onstage while I continue to drink my beer. 

As Soundgarden plays through their set, this time they are on fire. Everything was going so smoothly and Chris was amazing. He'd look back every once and a while and see me just enjoying him performing and getting lost in the sound of his voice. 

They finish their set with 'Beyond The Wheel' as I finish another beer and Chris leaves the stage while Kim does his feedback noise. As usual, Chris is bare chested with only his shorts, and soaking wet from water and sweat. 

Chris heads down the stairs of the stage and I follow him as he walks back to the dressing room. At this point I do feel a little drunk and I am a little unstable but not incoherent so as I follow Chris back to the dressing room, I swerve a little into the wall and crack up laughing. Chris looks back at me and stops as he wonders what the fuck happened.

"Andi... what the- ?" He laughs.

"Sorry... sorry no I'm good... it's all good..." I say as I move myself from the wall and attempt to walk straight. Chris walks back over to me and takes my hand.

"Are you alright babe?" Chris laughs.

"Yes... yes I'm alright," I say unintentionally frustrated. Chris's smile fades as he sees me regain my balance and I'm ok now to walk straight. I see Matt, Jason and Kim head down off the the stage and they see us in the hallway. 

"Fuck yea! That was awesome!" Kim exclaims and they head back to the dressing room.

"Babe... let me help you," Chris says as he takes my hand and tries to guide me down the hallway.

"Fuck Chris... I'm fine... I'm fine," I retort a little slurred and Chris gives me a stern look.

"Fuck... alright I'll leave you alone then," Chris says as he drops my hand and throws his hands up and walks away from me down the hall.

"Chris!" I call to him but he heads into the dressing room.

"Fuck me," I say disappointed in myself. I'm fucking drunk in the hallway all by myself. I rub my eyes and decide to walk back to towards the dressing room to grab my jacket. I need to get back to the hotel room. I walk a little unbalanced back to the dressing room and open the door. 

"Andi...! Hey!" Kim smiles at me and I half smile back. Chris, who was standing over by the mini bar fridge, downs his beer and then opens the fridge to crack open a new one.

"Hi," I smile at Kim.

"Come here... come sit down by me," Kim says as he pats the space beside him on the couch. Chris gives me a look and looks at Kim and takes a swig of his beer.

"No it's ok.. I'm just going to go back to the hotel room," I say trying desperately not to slur my words. I have no idea if I sounded fine or not. To me I sounded fine but who knows how it actually came out. I walk over to the chair where my jacket was and I stumble a little once again but Chris runs over and catches me. 

"Whoa.. whoa babe I got you," He says as he helps me up and stables me.

"I need to go," I slur, I'm so embarrassed and I hate myself right now.

"I'll take you back to the room ok?" Chris says and I nod. I feel everyone looking at me and it feels like they're judging me which makes me feel even worse. Kim gets up and grabs Chris a shirt and his leather jacket.

"Thanks," Chris smiles at him sheepishly.

"No problem man," Kim says. Chris quickly throws his black 90 shirt on and his jacket and then helps me out the door. 

We make it outside at the back of The Velvet Underground to help avoid the crowd that was busy leaving and we take the back way around to the hotel. Just when I think I'm ok to walk on my own, I stumble again and Chris catches me. 

We get to the hotel room and he helps me inside. He leads me over to the bed and I sit down. He moves back to the door to close it and I flop myself back on the bed.

"Baby... don't lay on your back... here..." He says as he walks over to me and helps me roll on to my side.

"Chris... I'm ok..." I slur sleepily and sit myself up as he kneels down in front of me.

"Babe... just relax, I got you," He says so sweetly.

"You know... I haven't been this drunk in a long time... I wish I was able to hang out though..." I slur.

"Baby... it's ok..." He says as he unties my Doc Marten's for me. 

"No it's not ok... I shouldn't have drank as much as I did... I ruined it... I ruined everything," I slur sadly.

"Andrea you didn't ruin anything..."

"I embarrassed myself..."

"Trust me, no one is going to care tomorrow... it's ok," He says to me. 

"I just wanted to feel better... I just wanted to forget... I didn't want to think about it anymore and I just didn't want to feel anymore..." I start to cry. Chris looks up at me with a worried look as he pulls off my boot.

"Baby... what are you talking about?" He asks me concerned. 

"My mom..." I sob and he still looks confused at me.

"What about your mom...?"

"She's dying... she's..." I confess and sob uncontrollably. He reaches up and takes me in his arms and I collapse in uncontrollable pain and heartbreak. He leans back and sits down on the floor as he holds me to him while I cry loudly and uncontrollably, my cheek pressed against his chest. He hushes me as he holds me and I continue to sob not being able to stop.

"Baby, just breathe... you gotta breathe.." he says as I can't control my sobbing. I cry harder than I ever have before and of course it's amplified by the fact that I'm drunk off my face, but I can't stop it. It just poured out of me all at once and once the damn broke, there was no turning back.

"Baby... I'm so sorry..." Chris soothes and it sounds like he's starting to cry. I finally slow down and regain control of myself, trying to just breathe and not make myself hyperventilate. I push myself off his chest and he looks at me, brushing my matted hair away from my cheeks. 

"I've been holding it in all day... but it didn't work... and the only thing I could think to do was drink to make myself feel better... but obviously that didn't work..."

"Why didn't you say anything?" He asks me.

"I didn't want to ruin anything, I didn't want you to focus on me when I know you had a show tonight.." I say as I reach up and wipe my cheeks. Chris closes his eyes for a second and then opens them to looks at me.

"Babe... you wouldn't have ruined anything... was it when I went down to warm the car up? Did she tell you then?" He asks.

"Yea... she's been diagnosed with Leukaemia... I think she said it's Acute Myeloid Leukaemia... She um... she's going through treatment right now but there's no cure for it... so the treatment is just to give her some more time... to... um figure out arrangements and... she's got maybe 6 more months to a year with treatment... but without she will only have maybe... 6 weeks..." I start to cry again.

"Shhhh... don't say anything more," Chris hushes me. I close my eyes as the tears roll down my face.

"What am I gonna do...? What am I gonna do without my mom...?" I cry and Chris takes me back into his arms and just holds me while I cry.


	21. L'Andrew The Love Child

Seattle Washington,   
January 28, 1990

It was a couple of weeks later and I was back home in Seattle while Soundgarden was on a short break before heading back to New York for a gig and starting the European leg of the tour. Since my mom had told me about getting sick I've been talking to her everyday when I get home from work. All I want to do is go home and spend as much time with her as I can. It's hard to even concentrate at work because I just want to be there for my mom.

Chris had plans to hang out with Andy while Xana was at work and Chris wanted me to come along to help get my mind off my mom, even though I'd rather just stay home, drink and lay on the floor and listen to music blasting in my ears from my stereo, I decide to go. And just meet Chris there.

I Arrive at Andy's apartment and ring the buzzer.

"Welcome to L'Andrew's Love Child Palace how can I serve you?" Andy says in his best receptionists voice.

"Andy it's me," I laugh. And the door buzzes me in. I climb the stairs to his apartment that he shares with Xana and I see him standing at the door in a dramatic pose, leaning against the door frame. His long blonde hair just as wild as ever, with his tight fitting ripped jeans and his colourful Hawaiian shirt.

"Welcome, welcome... please come in," He says dramatically. I laugh and shake my head at him.

"Andy..." I laugh as he takes my hand and kisses the back of it.

"Hi....come on in," He says breaking character and gestures for me to come in. It had been a while since I've seen Andy and over the year that I have been with Chris, Andy and I have become closer. Not as close as I am with Kim, but nevertheless, Andy has been so sweet to me. 

I walk in to his apartment and it seems I am the first one there.

"Jeff and Stone are on their way and Chris said he would be a little late," Andy says as he closes the door behind us.

"Oh... ok,"I say.

"Would you like a drink my love?" He asks as he walks over to the tiny kitchenette and opens the fridge.

"Yes I would love one," I exhale and take off my leather jacket. Andy grabs 2 beers from the fridge and opens one to hand it to me. I take the beer from him and I grab a seat on the couch over in the far corner sat Andrew's guitars beside a TV that was smashed in from the front.

" Didn't you just get... that?" I ask as I take a sip.

"Oh.. uh yea...well you know how it goes..." Andy says as he walks over to the couch and sits beside me. 

"You ok?" He asks.

"Meh..." I say and take a sip. I look down and notice his arm. It was slightly bruised and had a few marks that didn't look familiar. I decide not to ask him about it. I'm pretty sure he gets that enough from the others. 

"I'm sorry... Chris told me about your mom," Andy sips his beer and looks at me.

"Yea...? well...." I exhale and look down at my beer.

"You wanna talk about it?" He asks.

"No.." I say quietly.

"You wanna drink about it?" He smiles at me.

"Yes," I say completely sure that, that's exactly what I want to do. He holds up his beer and I clink mine to his. He smirks at me and we both take a drink. The door buzzer goes off in the apartment and Andy pats my thigh and stands up to let some more people in. I sip my beer and Andy opens the door and does his dramatic welcoming again which makes me laugh. Stone and Jeff arrive with their guitars and greet me as Andy hands them drinks and coming in right behind them was Chris. 

Seeing Chris gave me instant butterflies as I look at him in his denim jacket with his black long sleeve shirt, his ripped jeans with his Doc's, carrying in his guitar case as he flips his curls out of his face. It was all I could stand not to just run over and take him on the floor right here. 

"Hi," Chris smiles at me as walks over, sets his guitar down and leans it against the couch and leans down to me and presses his lips to mine. I reach up to touch his smooth freshly shaven face as he lingers on my lips for a few moments. He then pulls away and gives me a quick kiss on my forehead.

"Chris... beer?" Andy asks from the kitchen.

"Sure," He says as he moves from me and towards Andy. I sip my beer as I look at Chris's guitar case and trace my finger along its textured material. It was the case to his cherry burst Gibson. My absolute favourite guitar of his.

"Would you like another my love?" Andy asks me from the kitchen. I break myself out of the fantasy I was creating with Chris's guitar and look at the empty bottle in my hand.

"Yes please," I say with a smile on my face. Chris grabs the beer for me and hands it to me and places another kiss on my lips. 

"Ugh... you two are just too adorable sometimes," Andy jokes and sips his beer as Chris smirks at him sarcastically. Chris then sits down on the couch beside me and rests his leg on his knee while puts his arm around behind me leaning back against the couch. I snuggle into him a little, the smell of his warm sweet cologne tickling my nostrils in the most enduring way. 

"You ok?" Chris asks me, his lips against my temple, his fingers in my hair.

"Meh...." I say and take a sip of my beer.

"You want to talk about it?" Chris asks me quietly and I shake my head 'no'. He places his lips on my temple and closes his eyes and takes a deep breath in. 

"I love you more than anything in this world, and I am so happy that you came out with me," Chris says quietly in my ear, his warm breath tickling my earlobe making me smile. I lean my head further into him and close my eyes, wishing it was only me and him in the room.

"Hey Chris... You and Andy should play that song you wrote the other day... what did you call it...? Summer Island or something... no... Island Of Summer?" Jeff says as he sits down on the big reading chair beside the couch and Andy looks at Chris with a shrug.

"You wanna?" Andy says.

"Yea ... sure we could do that," Chris says as moves from me and takes his beautiful guitar out of it's case and Andy grabs the stool from the counter and moves over to sit closer to us.

Chris sets his guitar on his lap and begins to strum while I move over and sit up a little to listen. 

"Wait... wait how did it go again?" Andy asks. Chris laughs and starts to strum again and then it finally comes back to him.

"Underneath The Fallen Tree...Yea

Winter, Pardon Me I Did Not Know...Yea

You Were Sleeping

Warm my Body And My Heart... Mmmm

I Think, I Think I'm Freezing

All I Need Is One More chance... Yea... Mmm

To Get Through This Season... Yea... Yea

Where Did The Day Go?

The Sun Just Seemed To Slip Away... Yea... Yea

Island Of Summer

From My Dream I Find You Before I Wake

Before I Wake, Before I Wake... Whoa

Remember Leaves And Fields Of Green... Yea

A Dozen Winters

Rub Your Cold Shoulder Next To Me... Yea... Oh... Yea

A Dozen Winters

Drinking Water, Crystal Clear... Oooh... Yea

From The River... Yea

Where Did The Day Go?

The Sun Just Seemed To Sink Away... Yea, Yea, Yea

Island Of Summer

From My Dream I'll Find You Before I Wake

Before I Wake, Before I Wake

A Dozen Winters... Yea

Sinking Water,Crystal Clear, Fields Of Green,

A Dozen Winters

By The Fire We Can Sit... Oooh

Think Of December

Just In Time To Greet The Rain... Ohhhh"

"Hey I remembered it!" Andy exclaims and everyone laughs. I love the way Chris's voice complimented Andy's so well. Jeezus it's like Chris can sing anything. He could sing the fucking phone book and it would come out so beautiful, and for a few moments, I was lost in their harmonies, feeling it through me, while for just a little bit I forgot about all that is bad in the world. 

It was well into the evening and everyone, including me was drinking and having a great time. Jerry Cantrell and Layne Staley from Alice In Chains showed up as well. It was my first time meeting Jerry and Layne and they were really sweet to me too. Stone and Jeff decided to pick up their guitars and began to play as Andy sang songs that were set to be released on their album really soon. Chris sat with me and pulled me into his arms as we laughed and drank and it really helped me forget, even for a moment, that my world was about to crumble around me and there was nothing I could do to stop it.


	22. Stardog Champion

Brooklyn New York, L'Amour   
March 17, 1990 

"Babe... have you seen my necklace...? The one with the ring on the chain..." Chris says as he searches though his luggage bag. He stood in front of the hotel bed, only a towel wrapped around his hips, his hair still wet from the shower, tearing apart the contents of his bag. 

"Um... ," I say thoughtfully as I walk out of the bathroom, only in my black lacy thong, trying to style my hair. I walk over to the dressing table that was across from the bed and look under the pile of clothes I set out, trying to figure out what to wear.

"Found it," I say as I turn to him and hold it out for him. He flips his hair out of his face as he turns to look at me and smiles.

"Of course it would be under your stuff," He smirks and I squint my eyes at him.

"Very funny," I say and he steps towards me, taking the necklace from my hand.

"Where did you get that anyways?" I ask.

"Uh... Andy... gave it to me," He says as he unclasps the link, raises his arms behind his head and re- clasps it behind his neck, then adjusts the chain and the ring laying against his chest. I watch him as he does this feeling myself flutter inside as I glance at his chest for a second.

He flashes me a sly smile and places his hands on my hips and pulls me into him, feeling my bare chest pressed to his. I laugh a little as he places soft kisses up my neck and bites playfully on my jawline.

"Ok... stop I need to get ready here," I laugh as I pull away from him. He lets go of me and I pull my hair tie off my wrist and raise my arms above my head to throw my hair up in a messy bun.

"Fuck... don't do that," He whines a little as he glances down at my bare chest.

"Do what?" I laugh as I finish tying my hair up and place my hands on my hips. He bites his pouty bottom lip and I smirk secretly loving the way I'm teasing him. He grabs me quickly and I squeal with laughter as he playfully bites and kisses my neck. I wrap my arms around his neck and thread my fingers through his wet hair as he presses himself up against me, feeling his excitement grow underneath his towel. 

"Chris," I moan and he moves his hands down to the rim of my thong and I begin to feel my excitement warm within my panties. His lips move up my neck, his breath warm as he reaches my earlobe and bites ever so gently as I close my eyes, loosing myself in his touch. 

His fingers find their way into my thong, trails them slowly to my clit and strokes ever so lightly, playing me like a song he's known his whole life. I whimper as I lift my leg to accommodate his movements when he then decides to remove his fingers from my thong and grab my hips to lift me up as I wrap both of my legs around his waist.

We laugh as he stumbles a little and sets me down on the dressing table. He presses his lips to mine, his tongue playing and fighting with mine as we hungrily devour each others mouths. His hands pull down my thong and he tosses it on to the floor, then moves his hands up my thighs, helping me to open my legs for him. 

Chris moves his fingers back to my clit, softly stroking just like before as he breaks away from my lips and touches his forehead to mine. I close my eyes and pant in between my moans and I quickly reach down to his hips and rip the towel off of him, tossing it onto the floor. He inserts his fingers inside my slit, feeling how I quickly became so warm and wet. 

"Fuck me," I demand and a sly smirk appears across his flushed lips. His eyes, crystal clear blue oceans of emotion, lock to mine and I begin to pant. He pushes himself inside me, letting out a moan from deep within his throat, sending electric sensations through my body.

"Shit... baby..." He pants in between his words as he begins to thrust. I whimper loudly throwing my head back as his movement shakes me to my core. He crashes his lips to my throat, wrapping his arms around me and once again gently bites, all the while picking up the pace as my muscles contract around him.

"I'm so fucking close for you right now..." I moan as he thrusts firmly, bucking his hips, grunting with each push. With my fingers still laced through his hair, I grip even tighter, causing him to tense and thrust harder.

I cry out his name as without warning, I release myself all over, as he whimpers, releasing his warm liquid inside me. We stay that way for a few more moments as we come down from our high, panting, trying to catch our breath.

"Jeezus fuck... that was so fucking good..." He says, his lips against my throat, still kissing and biting. He lifts his head to look at me and I crash my lips to his flushed pouty lips, sucking his bottom lip and biting ever so gently. He pulls his lips away from mine and I touch my bottom lip, reminiscing in the feeling of his lips on mine just seconds before. He picks up the towel that I had ripped off of him and gracefully cleans himself and me as well, tickling me, causing me to laugh.

"Ok... now I have to get ready," I say and he laughs. He places another kiss to my lips and helps me off the table. We then continue to get ready for tonight.

•••

We arrive at L'Amour in just enough time for Chris to meet the guys for a quick soundcheck. As they make sure everything sounds like it should, I head up to the bar and order a Jack and Coke. The bar had just opened and there were some people coming in the club but it was still early. Soundgarden wasn't set to go on until 9 which was after Voivod. As I wait for my drink I look down at myself and make sure I look ok. I just threw on my ripped skinny jeans like usual, my Doc's and my favourite Type O Negative shirt with my leather jacket. 

The bartender sets my drink down and I take a sip. I look up and scan the room as more people come in and decide to make my way backstage to find Chris. As I walk through the club, I accidentally bump into a tall guy with long black hair wearing a black leather jacket. 

"Sorry," I say politely and he turns to look at me. I look up at him and I swear my heart stopped. It was Kenny Hickey from Type O Negative. Holy Fuck, No fucking way!

"That's ok sweetie," He says in his Brooklyn accent. I had no idea what to say. I felt like I was frozen and couldn't move. I look at him shocked for a few moments and tried to bring myself back down to earth. Kenny Hickey here to see Soundgarden. No fucking way!

"Um... uh..." I fumble for words as he smiles at me.

"I like your shirt... you know I know those guys pretty well," He smirks. I look at him still in shock.

"You're...it's you... I mean... oh my god, I'm sorry... I don't mean to..." I fumble again.

"It's ok...you know, you're probably the only one here who's gonna know who I am," He smiles at me.

"Um.. somehow I doubt that," I giggle.

"I don't mean to fan girl all over you but... I love Slow Deep And Hard... I mean... I can't stop listening to it... It's so amazing...ok I'm done now," I say nervously. I wanted to tell him so much more, how every track on that album flows perfectly from one to the next but I didn't want to be that girl who does that.

"It's ok... and thank you... I appreciate that," He laughs and smiles at me. We stand in silence for a few moments but then he decides to break it.

"You know, I didn't catch your name..." Kenny says.

"Oh... yea sorry... my name's Andi... Andi O'Riden..." I say desperately trying to not sound awkward with introducing myself as he holds out his hand for me to shake.

"Nice to meet you... miss O'Riden ," He says sweetly and smiles at me. I swear my names sounds better when everyone else says it.

"So have you heard of these guys before?" He asks as he gestures to the stage while a couple of roadies adjust equipment up on stage.

"Voivod or Soundgarden?" I ask as I sip my drink.

"Well... both actually," he giggles and I giggle back.

"Um... yea... Voivod, they're more like thrashy alternative metal... and Soundgarden... I guess they're... grungy metal, sabbath kinda...maybe..." I say as I try to explain but I have no idea how.

"Cool... I've only heard good things about Soundgarden so I thought I would check 'em out," He says.

"Cool..." I say trying to sound calm and collected but I still couldn't believe I was talking to Kenny Hickey.

"Andi..." I turn to see Kim walking up to me from backstage. 

"Hey," I say.

"Chris is looking for you, so...." Kim says.

"Oh yea... fuck..." I say and then turn back to Kenny.

"Hey it was good to meet you," Kenny says to me and I let out the biggest smile.

"Yea... you too," I smile back and Kenny taps my arm and walks away.

"Was that seriously Kenny Hickey?" Kim asks.

"Uh... yea..." I say.

"Fuck, that's awesome," Kim says and I walk with him backstage. 

•••

I walk in the dressing room and see Chris grabbing a beer out of the mini bar fridge. He turns around, sees me and smiles.

"Hi babe...where were you?" Chris asks.

"Oh my god... I went to get a drink at the bar, and I fucking ran into Kenny Hickey..." I say excitedly as I walk up to him.

"What?" Chris asks me with a shocked look on his face.

"Yea babe... like Kenny Hickey..." I say as I point to my shirt.

"No way... here?" Chris says.

"Yea... He said that he's heard of you and wanted to check it out... I couldn't fucking believe it either," I say.

"Holy shit that's awesome..." Chris smiles and takes a sip of his beer. He then leans into me and presses his lips to mine. 

We hang out in the dressing room for a little bit longer, having a couple of more drinks. Matt was all about his new polaroid camera so he kept taking pictures of everyone before the show. It was hilarious.

As soon as it was time for Soundgarden to take the stage, Chris leads me out to the stage area while Matt, Kim and Jason follow behind. I stand In my usual spot side stage while they begin their set.

About half way through Soundgarden's set, one of their roadies was trying to get my attention. I look behind me and see one of them gesturing me to come off the stage. I look over at Chris who was totally enthralled in the moment and I turn back to see him still gesturing to me so head off stage. 

"Andi... I gotta tell you something but don't tell Chris until they're finished," He says to me as I get to the bottom of the stairs.

"What?" I ask as I follow him out into the hallway so we could hear each other better. We stand in the hallway and it looks like he's hesitating, trying to find the words.

"What?" I ask.

"It's Andy..." He says.

"Andy... What about Andy?," I ask completely confused. He looks at me, a sympathetic look appears across his face and he hesitates to tell me. 

"What?!" I ask a little more concerned and I was now worried.

•••

Soundgarden finishes their set with 'I Awake', Chris loosing himself in the moment, Screaming 'Remember, I love You,' and I had no idea what I was going to say. I was fighting back tears and panicking at the same time as I stood at the bottom of the stage stairs, watching Chris in his element, on top of the world.

Chris ends it by throwing the mic while the crowd screams and he heads off stage to greet me at the bottom of the stairs, flipping his wet hair out of his face, in just his shiny make-shift leather pants. 

"Hi baby," He greets me but as soon as he sees me look at him, his expression changes. 

"Babe... what is it?" He asks as someone hands him a towel.

"Come here," I say and take his hand as he dabs himself with the towel. I lead him into the backstage hallway while Matt and Jason come running down the stairs and head straight to the dressing room, not noticing Chris and I in the hallway. 

"What...? What's wrong?" he asks me as he looks at my expression. We can still hear Kim onstage doing his epic feedback closer. I look at Chris and I'm scared to tell him. But it's better that it's coming from me.

"It's Andy..." I say shakily.

"Why? Is he here?" Chris look around behind him down the hall.

"No..." I say trying really hard not to cry. He turns back and looks into my eyes.

"Babe..?" He asks concerned. Of all the things I've ever imagined myself telling Chris, this was not one of them.

"Andy's in the hospital... Xana found him earlier this morning... It's... it's not good..." I say holding back tears as I wipe my eye.

"What?" Chris asks as his voice starts to shake.

"They booked a flight first thing in the morning so we could go back to Seattle and... say goodbye..." I say as he begins to squeeze my hand really hard.

"No... no this is a joke right?" Chris says but I shake my head 'no'. Chris turns from me and lets go of my hand as he walks down the hallway.

"Chris," I call after him. I follow him as he slams his hand against the wall, pretty much punching it, though it doesn't seem to phase him.


	23. Say Hello To Heaven

Seattle Washington, Harborview Medical Center   
March 19, 1990 

It was the next day and we made it back to Seattle early that afternoon. Chris and I grabbed a cab to head both to his place and mine. We stopped at his first to drop him off and I took the rest of the ride back to my place. Chris lived close to me so it wasn't far out of the way.

As I open the door to my apartment I drop my bag off at the door, freshen myself up a bit and grab a drink from my fridge. I was so scared of what we would be walking into, I needed a drink just to take the edge off a bit. It feels like it was only a few minutes, after I pour my next drink and there was a knock at my door. 

"Coming!" I say and I take a quick swig of my drink and head to the door. I open it to see Chris standing outside in his black T-Shirt, black ripped jeans, his Doc Martens and his leather jacket. He turns to look at me and I see his expression worried and concerned and numb at the same time. His necklace that Andy gave him shone in the ironic sunlight of the day against his chest. 

"Hi," Chris says slightly sadly.

"Hi," I say.

"You ready?" He asks.

"No..." I say worriedly.

"Me neither..." He says sadly, and with that, I grab my leather jacket and head out the door with him.

•••

We arrive at Harborview Medical Center and head through the main entry doors. Chris heads up to the front desk and is directed to the intensive care unit. Chris takes my hand and holds it so tight, it almost hurt, but I didn't care. 

We find the ICU department and a nurse guides us to the room Andy was in.

"Now I should tell you, It looks like he can't respond to you but we are positive he can still hear you," The nurse tells Chris as she leads us to his room and the look on Chris's face was of pure sadness.

"Chris... I can stay out here if you want to be alone with him," I say to him.

"No... no I want you with me," He says shakily and grips my hand.

"Ok," I say and gently stroke his arm as we walk into his room.

At first it just looked like Andy was sleeping but you could see that he was hooked up to so many machines it looked unreal. Andy was pale and looked weak with a long breathing tube coming out of him that lead to a machine that breathed for him. Xana sat by his side holding his hand and looks up to see Chris and I walk into the room.

"Chrissy..." She exhales in a way I'd never heard before. It's like all the disagreements Xana and Chris shared melted away at that moment. She stands up and he lets go of my hand and they walk to each other and he gives her the biggest longest hug. The room was silent, but the machines keeping Andy alive continued to beep and make their noises as Chris and Xana just hold each other. Xana pulls away from him and wipes her eye where a stray tear had fallen.

"Hey Andi..." She says sadly but sweetly to me and moves to give me a hug.

"Hey," I say as I embrace her and then she breaks away from me.

"Has there been anyone else coming into see him?" I ask as she wipes her tears away.

"Uh yea.. Jeff and Stone came by earlier this morning and um... Susan was here just a little while ago," She says as she looks up at Chris. Chris nods and then looks back at Andy and moves closer to him.

"What happened?" I ask. Xana looks at Andy and tries not to cry.

"He uh... He had a a little slip up you know... he's been trying to get better for so long and... fuck..." She tries to explain and I take her hand.

"I uh came home from work and found him in the bathroom... he wasn't good... I don't know how long he was there but he wasn't breathing and I tried to do CPR you know... but he wasn't responding at all... so I called 911... and somehow, because he was deprived of oxygen for so long... he has some permanent brain damage and... he's..." Xana explains and starts to cry. Chris takes her in his arms again and holds her.

"His parents want to cut the life support but I begged them at least to keep him on it 'til you got here... I wanted you to have the chance to say goodbye..." She says through her tears. 

"Are his mom and dad here?" I ask trying not to cry.

"Not yet, they were here earlier but needed a break obviously so... but they said they would be back later on tonight..." She says as she pulls away from Chris and wipes the tears from her flushed cheeks. Chris moves back over to Andy and sits down in the chair where Xana sat. Chris looks at him and I could see the pain and fear across his smooth face. 

Xana and I stay silent and I watch Chris watch Andy, as the machine breathes for him.

"I'm gonna go and get a drink... I'll uh be back in a bit," Xana says and squeezes my hand again and walks out of the room. I look at Chris as he looks at Andy and I couldn't believe this was happening. 

"Do you want to be alone with him?" I ask. Chris looks up at me with tears in his eyes and reaches for my hand.

"No... don't go... please stay," He says in almost a boyish demeanour, as if asking for his mom to stay when she drops him off at school for the very first time. I move closer to him as he pulls at my hand and wraps his arms around my waist to rest his head against my stomach. I look down at him and I begin to run my fingers through his hair, twirling each perfect dark curl of his between my fingers attempting to soothe the pain. 

Chris begins to talk to Andy. Talking to him like he could still hear him. He reminisced about all the times they would party together, how they would hang out together, even how they wrote together. Chris let his love out for Andy like he never had before, all the while still leaning his head on me and holding me to him. Chris began to cry as he said his final goodbyes to Andy and held on to me as he cried. I began to cry a little as well but I remained silent. I wanted to let Chris have his moment with him one last time. Chris sobbed into me and I knelt down and took him in my arms and let him cry on my shoulder for I knew it was only a matter of time for him to do the same for me. Chris squeezed me so tight as he cried harder than I ever thought he could. After a little while, Chris re-gained his composure as Xana walked back into the room. 

"Fuck... ok I need to get out of here," Chris days groggily as he wipes his eyes and we both stand up. Chris and I walk toward Xana as she looks up at Chris. They hug each other one last time and I then follow Chris out of the room and down the hallway out of the ICU.


	24. Reach Down And Pick The Crowd Up

Dusselldorf Germany,   
April 10, 1990

It was a few weeks later and Soundgarden was heading out on the European leg of the tour. I was able to get the time off work as I asked if I could go down to just part time. Nancy had hired 2 more girls to work at the store so it made it possible for me to do that. I had to go down to part time as my mom being sick took up a lot of my time. I was calling her every day sometimes she'd call me twice a day just to talk and obviously talk about her treatment. It really sucked that she was now starting to feel the effects of the treatment which was making her feel really horrible, but she was pushing through it.

Andy's parents decided to shut down the life support that was keeping him alive that same day that Chris and I saw him last. He had taken a turn for the worse and was no longer responding like he was before. Andrew Wood died at 3:00 pm on March 19th 1990.

Andy's funeral was... hard to describe. Andy was cremated and then buried in Bremerton Washington. There were so many people from his family and friends that came out to celebrate his life and say goodbye. There were so many fans of his showing their condolences and gifts for Andy laid out everywhere around his marker. Chris didn't cry though, but you could tell it was hard for him to hold it together. Let's just say, he got very, very, very drunk that night.

I had just finished packing and had my bags ready by the door while I waited for Chris to pick me up. Chris was in a very different mood lately which was completely understandable. He was quieter than usual and barely was able to say anything to anyone. I still haven't been able to get him to talk to me, though I'm pretty quiet when it comes to stuff about my mom. I'd rather just hold it in, I don't want to burden anyone with what I'm going through. I guess Chris feels the same.

I sat on my couch mind numbly flipping through the channels on my tv, trying to distract myself from everything. Suddenly there was a knock at my door and I immediately jump up and switch off the tv to get the door. I open it and see Chris standing outside waiting for me in his usual black T-Shirt, baggy shorts, Doc Martens and leather jacket. The necklace that Andy gave him shone in the grey overcast light as he turned and looked at me with his beautiful blue eyes, his clean shaven face, his hair flowing well passed his shoulders as the wind blew. 

"Hi baby," He half smiles at me.

"Hi," I say and he steps toward me, leans down and presses his lips to mine. He lingers on my lips for a few moments as I reach up and touch his smooth cheek. His cologne smelled so sweet, yet musky, which was heaven to my nostrils. He pulls away from my lips and touches his forehead to mine

"You ready?" He asks with his eyes closed.

"Yep," I say as I touch his bottom lip with my index finger. I can't help it, I love that pouty bottom lip. He gives me a quick kiss on my forehead, then pulls away and grabs my bags for me. I step inside for a moment to check to make sure everything is ok in the apartment and then follow Chris out the door.

•••

Our first stop on the tour was in Dusseldorf Germany. The flight was a long 12 hours but we made it and arrived early in the morning. We eventually find our way to the hotel and check in. I follow Chris up to the room and I swear I am so tired, we didn't sleep on the plane at all. I'm used to maybe a 3 hour time difference when I travel from Seattle to Toronto but this was a whole other level. It was about 6 in the morning here but it felt like it was 6 in the afternoon. My internal clock was so messed up.

"I feel like I've been awake for 2 days," I say as I walk in the room and flop down on the bed.

"Well in a way we have been," Chris says as he sets his bags down and his guitar and takes his jacket off. He walks over to me and lays down beside me on the bed face down, his hair spilling everywhere, his arms stretched out above him and then folds them under his head to look at me. I turn my head and look at him and he smiles at me. He then lifts himself up to turn on his side propping his head up on his hand and touches my cheek. I close my eyes, feeling his hands touch me and just get lost in the feeling of him.

"Are you ok?" I ask with my eyes still closed then realizing that may have been a stupid question. Chris says nothing for a moment and I look up at him.

"Meh...You...?" He replies and continues to stroke my cheek.

"Meh..." I say back. He leans down and presses his lips to mine and the second he touches my lips I instantly melt in his arms. I reach up and thread my fingers through his hair as he pulls me further into him. His lips so soft as they move with mine taking me to a world where I can forget about everything and just be with him. He pulls away from my lips and places a kiss on my forehead.

"I just want to hold you..." He says quietly in my ear as he wraps his arms around me as I snuggle into his chest and twirl his soft curls that spilled across his chest in between my fingers. 

•••

We wake up hours later and realize that we need to get to the venue for soundcheck. I take a quick shower and change into a black mini skirt, my Doc Marten's, my silver studded wrist cuff and my Pantera 'Cowboys From Hell' band shirt and threw my hair up in a messy bun. Chris just took a quick shower with me but basically wore the same thing as before, only this time he added a blue and white checkered button up shirt, his silver hoop earrings and suede leather wrist cuffs, which I've only seen him wear once before until now and well, he looked so fucking good, I wanted him so bad, but it will have to wait as we were running so late. Damn time zone change.

We were to meet Kim, Matt and Jason downstairs in the hotel lobby and then take the tour bus that the record company had supplied to the venue. 

"Hey Andi..." Kim says sweetly as we reach the lobby.

"Hi," I say as he walks up to me and gives me a big hug.

"You doing ok?" He asks as he still holds me.

"Hanging in there I guess," I say as he pulls away from me. Kim was the only other one I told about my mom besides Chris and Andy. Kim is always so sweet to me and those days when I can't talk to Chris about stuff because I just don't want to burden him with it, Kim is the one I can talk to about it and not feel so bad. After we all greet each other, we pile into the tour bus and head to the venue.

•••

We arrive at the venue late, of course, which was significantly stressing Chris out. There was so much traffic trying to get to the venue that they ended up missing soundcheck but were still able to get there at least an hour before they were set to go on. The concert was also being filmed, so when we arrived in the dressing room, one of the promotors who spoke very broken english, told Chris that they had to tame down their show a little bit as German TV is more restricted than American TV. 

Chris just looked at him like he was from some other planet but decided not to get into it with him. As soon as the promotor leaves, Chris turns and gives me an annoyed look. He really hated following rules sometimes. 

"Ok guys we gotta head out," Matt says. It seriously felt like we just got here and I didn't even have time to finish my drink.

"Fuck... ok give me a minute," Chris says as he runs over to the mini bar fridge and quickly pours himself a shot and downs it, pours another and downs it. 

"You coming babe?" He asks as he walks passed me.

"Uh, yea..." I say as he takes my hand and leads me out to the backstage area. Kim, Mat and Jason all go up first and get set up while the announcer introduces them. Chris leans down and presses his lips to mine and lingers for a few moments. He tastes of sweet whisky from the shots he just took and tasted so good I started to suck his bottom lip. He quickly deepens the kiss and I didn't want him to go but I know he has to. He pulls away from and I touch my bottom lip, still feeling his lips on mine and he heads out on stage starting with 'Flower' while I watch from the back, careful not to get in the way of the cameras. 

•••

"This next song... is dedicated to... Andrew Wood of Mother Love Bone... who died just a couple of weeks ago... he is now in the nether-regions... This is a love song... for him...." Chris says as he introduces the song 'I Awake' which they were actually supposed to play Nothing To Say, but I guess Chris decided at the last minute to honour Andy. My heart fluttered and it almost felt like I couldn't breathe. As I watched from backstage, I could hear the pain in his voice, singing out for Andy. I thought I was going to break down myself, but I just closed my eyes and listened to Chris belt it out. God damn it I'm emotional. 

At the end of their set, they closed with 'Beyond The Wheel' and the emotion Chris performed with that song, I could feel it through my whole body. I stood there watching him as he laid down on the stage and screamed.

"....Father Mighty Man

Loves His Little Boys, Boys

Shows them how to kill

To Save His Precious Stones, Stones

Far Beyond The Wheel

Spin Your Life Around

Driving Flesh And Blood

Deep Into The Ground, Grouuuuuuunnnnndddd!"

Chris gets up to his knees and continues to head bang, whipping his beautiful long curls, loosing himself in the moment. Right as 'Beyond The Wheel' was ending and Kim started the classic feedback against the back amp, Chris started smashing the mic stand against the stage.

"Thank you...! Have a very happy day... Enjoy yourself..." Chris says as he throws the mic stand and drops the mic, then walks passed Kim and backstage towards me, lifting his black T-Shirt up to wipe the sweat from his face, placing a quick kiss on my forehead and takes my hand to lead me down the stairs. 

I follow him down the hallway, my hand in his while Kim continues on stage. Chris says nothing as he leads me down the long hallway.

"Chris...?" I ask a little confused. He still says nothing.

"Where are we going?" I ask as I look up at him. He looks down at me and as he presses his lips to the back of my hand. I raise my eyebrow at him but he still says nothing. He leads me out the back door where the tour bus was parked and opens the door to the bus and leads me inside. He looks around for the driver and if anyone else was on the bus but there was no one to be found. I was actually surprised there wasn't anyone waiting outside the bus to try to meet them at all. 

"Chris...?" I ask again but he still remains quiet. He leads me down passed the front of the bus, through the 'dinning area', passed the bunk bed area and way in the back where there was a lounge area with a couch that turned into a pull out bed, a tv that was built into the wall with a small entertainment system and he closes the door behind us.

"Chris... what the...?" I attempt to ask but he moves in front of me and crashes his lips to mine. At first it surprised me but then he moved his hand to cup either side of my face and I completely lost myself. I move my hands to his chest while his lips moved with mine. 

I suck his pouty bottom lip as he continues to devour my mouth in his. The faint smell of his cologne was driving me crazy. All I wanted was him in this moment. I wanted him to take away all the pain I've been feeling and I wanted to do the same for him. 

We move towards the couch as I flick my tongue against his top lip and my hands move to the bottom of his shirt and I move my hands up inside, feeling the smoothness of his skin over his flat stomach. We stop at the couch and I push him gently so that he flops down on the couch. He laughs a little while I bite my bottom lip and kneel down in between his legs. He flips his curls out of his face and leans toward me, grabbing my face in his hands and crashing his lips to mine. His tongue thrusts into my mouth devouring and playing with mine trying to assert his power but I fight back, until mine eventually wins. 

My hands move up his thighs to his hips as he pulls away from me and leans back on the couch. I bite my bottom lip, still feeling the sensation of his lips on mine and finally unbuckle his belt. He watches me as I pull his shorts down revealing his very erect member. I trail my fingers gently over his shaft as he closes his eyes and leans back further into the couch. I lean down to him and place soft fleeting kisses up and down, grazing my lips ever so gently causing him to exhale loudly. 

I giggle softly as I move my one hand up over his stomach, under his T-Shirt feeling his toned abs under my touch. He takes my hand in his and holds my hand to his chest, feeling his heart beat. 

I grab the base of his shaft and guide him into my mouth as he begins to whimper at the feeling of my lips around the tip. I slowly start to suck as I feel his heart beat increasing with his whimpers, low and quiet. 

"Wait... no..." He moans and I stop sucking him looking up at him worried I did something wrong. 

"Stand up..." He breathes and I get to my feet. He moves forward and reaches up under my skirt and gently pulls my panties down and they drop to my feet. He then trails his fingers back up my thighs and moves to my core, slowly and sensually stroking my clit. I exhale and throw my head back, relishing in the feeling of his fingertips playing with me in a way he adored to see my reaction to. 

I move closer to him and he leans back on the couch and I kneel on the couch straddling him. He looks up at me and I lean down a little and press my lips to his. His lips feel like fire coursing through my veins. I instantly feel my core become warm and wet against his touch. His fingers move from my clit, to my thighs and lifts up my skirt as our tongues fight against each other in which I give up and suck his bottom lip. 

I lower myself onto him and he guides himself into me, sending shockwaves of pleasure all over my body.

"Fuck... Chris... you feel... so good... inside me," I pant as I move myself slowly up and down, grinding my hips on top of him.

"Shhhhh...." He hushes me while looking up at my reaction, his brow furrowed, as he knows I can get loud without realizing it. He moves his hands up my shirt to my breast and teasing me through my sheer lacy bra. I end up just tossing my shirt to the side and he unclasps my bra, freeing my breasts allowing him to move his lips to my nipple and tease, circling his tongue and sucking ever so gently. I throw my head back, arch my back a little and whimper as become adjusted to his size. I grind my hips and begin to pick up the pace as I moan, getting lost in the feeling of him inside me.

"Shhhh... baby," He hushes me again low and quiet but it's so hard for me to hold back. I start to feel that warm bubbling feeling of my muscles contracting and I don't know if I'm able to be quiet at all.

"Fuck... baby..." I attempt to whisper and as I look down into his eyes, his brow still furrowed as I work myself on top of him. 

•••

"Ok... ok I'll check... fuck... ," Jason says as he climbs up on to the bus and starts to head towards the bunks. He looks through all the bunks but nothing.

"Where the fuck... are my smokes..." He says quietly to himself. He then decides to walk back towards the lounge area and opens the door.

•••

"Fuck, what the fuck man?!" Chris exclaims as he hears the door open and sees Jason in the doorway over my shoulder.

"Shit! Uh..." Jason says dumbfounded like a deer caught in the headlights. I squeal in freight as Chris attempts to cover ourselves as I throw my arms across my chest to cover myself.

"Get out man!" Chris yells at him.

"Sorry... I'm sorry," Jason says hurriedly and closes the door again. I lean my head down on Chris's shoulder completely mortified at what just happened, trying to hide my face. 

"You ok?" Chris starts to laugh.

"No," I say muffled into his shoulder. I was so embarrassed. I've never been walked in on before. I feel so humiliated.

"Andi... hey look at me," Chris giggles a little. I lift myself up, an obvious look of embarrassment written all over my face.

"It's ok, I don't think he saw much of anything," Chris smiles at me. Somehow I doubt that. 

•••

"What the fuck man don't you ever fucking knock?" Chris exclaims as he walks out of the lounge area of the tour bus. I was still in the back, trying to get myself together as I quickly put my clothes back on.

"Sorry man... how the fuck was I supposed to know you and her were back there..." Jason says as he turns to face Chris.

"Oh I don't know... maybe if you see a closed door, knocking would be a good idea first before just walking right in..." Chris says angrily.

"Well maybe you should just lock the fucking door then," Jason snaps back.

"Maybe you should just fucking leave," Chris snaps back angrily.

"What?" Jason says confused and defensive.

"You heard me," Chris says

"Hey... what's going on here?" Kim says as he climbs up the steps into the bus.

"Nothing just Chris is on a fucking rampage right now over a fucking accident," Jason says as he turns back to Chris.

"Rampage? What the fuck? I'm not on a rampage, you just need to fucking back off and let me have some privacy with my fucking girlfriend!," Chris exclaims.

"What the fuck are you talking about? First you get mad at me because I don't hang out with you guys more often and now you're getting pissed because I don't give you privacy? What the serious fuck man? Why is she even here anyways... she doesn't do anything except hang off of you and your every move," Jason says peevishly.

"Hey now... " Kim says trying to get a hold of the situation.

"What...? it's the fucking truth though... you guys are all about the anti-groupie thing and how you hate the fact that chicks fucking throw themselves at you but you secretly love every single second of it. You even have a fucking live in groupie right in the back!" Jason exclaims as he gestures towards the back room.

"Why you motherfucker!" Chris screamed and Kim had to step between him and Jason just to keep Chris from killing him.

"Hey... hey guys ok let's just calm down..."Kim says as he keeps both of them at arms length.

"Jason...off the bus," Kim turns to him.

"What?!" Jason exclaims

"Off the bus... now!" Kim says angered and Jason gives them both and annoyed snarky look and heads off the bus. 

•••

After I heard Kim kick Jason off the bus, I try to gather myself and wipe my tears as I sit on the couch. I heard every word Jason said and he's right. I do follow Chris everywhere, and I don't do anything but just get in the way, but I'm not a fucking groupie! I stand up and adjust my clothes and I move towards the door but Chris opens it first and sees the stray tears that had covered my face.

"Baby..." Chris looks at me with a worried look.

"I'm just going to take a cab back to the hotel..." I sniff.

"No Andi... don't leave..." Chris says as he steps in front of me.

"No... it's ok I'm fine..." I say as I try to step passed Chris but he stops me. 

"Chris ... just let me go back to the hotel..." I say a little more firm.

"Andi...It's ok to stay," Kim says.

"No... I'm just in the way..." I say as I look down at myself.

"Babe you're not in the way... I want you here... don't go..." Chris looks at me.

"Don't listen to Jason... we want you here..." Kim says as Matt and Jason climb up on to the bus and take their seats at the front.

"Ok, ok..." I say defeated and sit back down on the couch. Kim smiles reassuringly at me as Chris sits down beside me. Kim then heads up to the front of the bus as we begin to move. Chris takes my hand in his and pulls me into him as we head back to the hotel. I start to go over in my head what Jason said. I can't shake it from my mind. I decide as soon as we get to the hotel, I'm packing up my stuff and flying back home. I don't want to be in the middle anymore.


	25. The Marquee

London, UK   
July 7, 1990

It was the last show of Soundgarden's European leg of the tour before they take a much needed break. I ended up staying as Chris was so good at convincing me not to go back home, I just avoided Jason whenever I could. Ever since that fight on the bus, Chris and Jason do not get along and it was now starting to cause a rift between Kim and Jason too. Almost the whole band is fighting and I feel like it's because of me. Chris tells me it's not because Kim and Matt love having me but inside I feel like it's my fault. 

Right now we were all on the bus heading to London. Kim and Matt were up at the very front of the bus just hanging out and jamming away and Jason was in his bunk getting some sleep before the show. I come out of the small bathroom that was beside the lounge area on the bus and I hear Chris with his acoustic in the lounge room behind the door.

"Hey" I say quietly as I knock on the door.  
"Hi baby," He says as he glances up at me for a second, then back down to scribble something on the paper that sat on the couch beside him.

"Working on something?" I ask as I sit down across from him on the couch.  
"Uh... yea actually... I just had this thing I had to get out... and it just started flowing out of me..." Chris says as he looks down at the paper and starts to strum again.

"Can I hear it?" I ask innocently as I look at him, his hair fallen in his face. He still hadn't put a shirt on yet and was just wearing his black baggy shorts with his Doc Marten's. He looks up at me and flips his curls out of his face revealing his beautiful blue eyes.

"Um yea... it's not finished yet though and it's like really rough..." He says.  
"That's ok," I smile at him and he smiles back at me.  
"Ok... " He says a little nervously and starts to play.

"Please, mother mercy  
Take me from this place  
And the long-winded curses  
I hear in my head

The words never listen  
And teachers, oh they never learn  
My warmth from the candle  
Though I feel too cold to burn

He came from an island  
Then he died from the street  
And he hurt so bad like a soul breakin'  
But he never said nothin' to me, yeah

Say hello to heaven, heaven, heaven  
Say hello to heaven, heaven, heaven, yeah

New like a baby, lost like a prayer  
The sky was your playground  
But the cold girl was your bed

Ooh, I said, poor Stargazer  
She's got no tears in her eyes  
But fool like a whisper  
She knows that love heals all wounds with time"

Chris stops for a moment and flips his curls out out of his face and glances down at the paper he had scribbled on.

"Then... I was thinking of going... 'Now it seems like too much love is Never enough, you better seek out another road 'cause this one has ended abrupt..., but I don't know if that fits... or if it makes sense...I don't know..." Chris says as he picks up the paper that he was scribbling on and looks at it thoughtfully as he puts the pen he was using between his teeth, his brow slightly furrowed as he reads it back to himself. I sit there and watch him as his expression changes as he creates and it is the most calming beautiful thing that I am able to witness.

"Andy..." I say quietly and Chris looks up at me.

"It's about Andy isn't it?" I ask and Chris smiles shyly at me.   
"Yea... yea it is," Chris exhales as he takes the pen out from between his soft pouty lips and smiles shyly at me.

I stand up and move over to him as he looks up at me and I place a kiss on his forehead. I pull away as he still looks up at me and I lean down and press my lips to his, and gently sucking his bottom lip for a second, then I pull away.

"I love it," I say.  
"You're biased though," Chris smirks.

"Yea... but that still doesn't stop me from loving it...,"I smirk back at him and turn to walk back out of the lounge area as he continues to work.

•••

We arrive in London and head straight to the Marquee. Since it was the last show of the tour, we have a flight booked immediately after the show which is crazy but at least we'll be able to sleep on the plane.

We pile into The Marquee and head directly to the dressing room for some drinks to start the night. I follow Chris into the room and he heads straight for the mini bar and grabs a beer for me and one for him. He then heads to the couch and gestures for me to sit with him. Jason, who sat on the opposite side of the couch, ignored Chris and I completely and sipped his beer. I fucking hate this. Why can't we all just get along?

After about an hour or two of sitting and drinking, it was time for Soundgarden to take the stage. As usual, I go with Chris up to the back stage area and watch from the side.

The show seemed to go smoothly but Jason was doing some weird stuff while he was playing. There were even a few times where he just played the wrong song or was completely off key. I saw Chris give him looks though Jason seemed to not care at all. I can already see how this is going and it's not going to end up good.

They end their set and Chris storms passed me down the stage steps clearly pissed off and I was afraid to follow him back to the bus. I walk down the stairs and follow a bit behind him as Jason then pushes passed me walking down the hallway.

"Hey!" I retort. Jason looks back at me annoyed but keeps walking.   
"If you have something to say to me then say it!" I yell after Jason and he stops.  
"I don't have anything to say, especially to you," He snaps.   
"You sure as hell did back on the bus in Germany... oh but wait, no...you complained about me to everyone but me," I shout down the hall at him. I admit, I've had a few drinks and I was pissed off .

"I call it as I see it," Jason smirks back at me as I walk towards him.  
"Really? you think you know me?" I snap.   
"I don't have time for little groupies like you," Jason retorts back which sets my blood boiling.

"HEY!" Chris shouts as he walks out of the dressing room.  
"What the fuck?" Chris shouts again but Jason doesn't even acknowledge him.  
"I'm not a groupie," I say.  
"Really? what would you call it then? All you do is follow us around to every show and hang on Chris all the fucking time but you don't do anything... you're just in it for the ride, The lifestyle... or whatever you think will make your world better than it is..." Jason sneers at me and it took everything I had not to punch him in the face.

Suddenly Chris spins him around and punches him right in the face. I flinch and move out of the way as Jason responds punching Chris back. They continue punching each other until Chris had him in a headlock and I see Kim head down the stage stairs.

"Holy shit! what the fuck is happening here?" Kim asks and goes over to them to try and break up the fight.

"Fuck You, you piece of shit!" Jason yells, his voice muffled as Chris keeps him in a headlock.   
"Hey! Hey! guys cool it!" Kim yells and eventually gets them to back off each other.

"What the fuck is going on?" Kim asks astounded by the fact that they were fighting.   
"Get him out of here... he's done! He's fucking done!" Chris pants as he dabs his lip where some blood had appeared. Kim looks at Chris completely shocked and confused.

"I mean it... Get him out of here!" Chris shouts.  
"You fucking wish bro," Jason snaps back and suddenly security appears from the side stage door and escorts Jason out of the building.

"Chris... what the fuck happened?" Kim asks as Chris leans against the wall and bends over, his hands on his knees, panting. He then lifts himself back up and leans against the wall.

"He is done... I don't want him in the band anymore..." Chris pants as he tries to catch his breath.  
"Chris... I know we talked about kicking him out but, are you sure?" Kim asks.  
"I'm positive man... they way he just talked to Andi... that's it... he's done," Chris says and dabs his lip.

I stand silently watching the whole thing unfold. I wasn't sure what to do as I stood and looked at Chris. I felt horrible and I was trying to not cry though, my anger dying down now.

"What did he say?" Kim asked me.  
"...Nothing... it's... nothing..." I say as I look down at myself feeling so small.   
"Come here," Chris says to me as he holds out his hand for me to take.   
"Well, I'm gonna go find Matt and talk to Jason... we'll meet you guys out on the bus?" Kim says.  
"Yea..." Chris says and they shake hands while Kim pats him on the shoulder. He the turns back to find Matt and Chris and I walk down the hallway towards the outside door.

"I'm sorry..." I say quietly.  
"You have nothing to be sorry for..." Chris says as he squeezes my hand.  
"I feel like that fight was because of me..." I say as he opens the side door and lets me walk through first.  
"That fight was not because of you... it was because he's a dick... and I've had enough of him..." Chris says as we walk to the bus. He opens the door and I head up inside as Chris follows me. Chris sits down at the dinning area and I grab a cloth from the sink, run it under cold water and move over to him to dab his lip. He flinches a little and then relaxes. He then takes the cloth from me and dabs his lip on his own as I sit down across from him and he takes my hand. Matt then appears and walks up into the bus.

"Ok... um so Jason's done... so we said he can ride back to the airport with us cause he doesn't have a way to get there but after we get on the plane...we go our separate ways with him..." Matt says and sits down.   
"If he fucking pulls shit on the way there, we're kicking him out," Chris says.   
"I know... don't worry, he said he wont start anything..." Matt says as Kim comes up on the bus followed by Jason. Kim sits down beside me and Jason heads directly to the back of the bus and jumps up in his bunk.

"You ok?" Kim asks me.  
"Yea.. I'm ok," I smile at Kim and we head off to the airport to fly home.


	26. Living In The Temple Of The Dog

Seattle Washington, Lost Loves Clothing Store 

August 21, 1990

I had been back in Seattle for a couple of weeks and it was my first day back to work after coming back from Europe. Chris was enjoying his much needed break. It was now 5 months since Andy passed and Chris was still having a hard time. I'm ok as I have my mom on my mind all the time and making sure she's ok but Chris, well, he is definitely heartbroken. It's hit him harder than anyone else. Andy and Chris shared a bond that no one could compare. I swear if one of them was a girl, I would not be in the picture as they would've been together, and I mean that in the most endearing way.

Anyways, Soundgarden finally found a new bassist. This time, they were able to get in touch with Ben Shepherd and without even asking him to audition, they wanted him in the band. I think they regret not going with Ben in the first place but you know, fate has a way of working itself out. I met Ben the for the first time a few days ago and he is really sweet. Really quiet but really sweet and a total punk but so sweet. The feeling is completely different from Jason all together. Ben just fits.

I was busy hanging up the new arrivals when the door rang and Chris walked in. I will never stop feeling that butterfly feeling every time he walks into a room. He looked so perfect with his hair so soft and curly that flowed passed his shoulders, His black fitted tank top with his black baggy shorts with a dark blue plaid button up shirt tied around his waist and his black suede wrist cuffs with his Doc Marten's.

He had started to grow a beard and I still wasn't used to it yet, but it made him look so different. His young boyish look had disappeared, which I kinda miss but only just a little.   
"Hi," He says cutely as he walks up to me.   
"Hey," I smile at him, his blue eyes locking onto mine and he leans down and gives me a quick kiss on my lips.  
"What are you up to?" I ask as I hang up the shirts in front of me.   
"Well... I was wondering if you wanted to come out with me tonight? Jeff and Stone are wanting to hang out in the park tonight... down by the beach...you know, light up a bonfire... drink... jam a little..." Chris says as he picks up a New Kids On The Block T-Shirt and makes a face at it. I smirk at him and grab the shirt from his hands and hang it up on the rack.  
"Um... yea that sounds cool," I say as I look up at him. He looks down at the rack and starts flipping through some shirts.

"You ok?" I ask after a bit of silence between us.   
"Yea... yea I'm... ok," He looks at me and hesitates a little but then offers a smile. I lift myself up and place a quick kiss on his lips and he smiles down at me.

"Well I'll leave you to work I guess but I'll uh pick you up tonight? Maybe around 7?" He asks.  
"Sure," I smile at him. He leans back down and presses his lips to mine, this time lingering for a few moments and deepening the kiss with the playfulness of his tongue. He pulls away from me and I reach up to touch his beard. I swear I still wasn't used to it yet but he looked so fucking good I couldn't help myself.

"Ok... Love you baby," He says as he turns from me.

"Love you too..." I say, and with that he disappears out the front door.

Discovery Park Seattle Washington, August 21 1990

"Yes mom, don't worry it's just a night down at the park," I say to my mom while I finish tying up my boot and hold the cordless between my shoulder and my ear. I was waiting for Chris to pick me up to head down to the park for some drinks and a fire and I had just finished getting my clothes on, which was my Aerosmith shirt that I cut and modified and my ripped black leggings, when she happened to call me. I finish tying my boot and walk over to the kitchen to pour myself a pre-bonfire drink and she hears me pour it.

"Mom, it's fine... no I'm not drinking all that much... yes Chris is driving... no he won't... mom... we're sleeping in his truck... it's ok..." I say as she warns me not to let him drink and drive and I roll my eyes. I know she's just being extra protective cause she's worried and she's sick but I tell myself at least she hasn't lost her 'mothering' of me even when I'm all the way out west.

I pour my drink, a Jack straight up, take a sip and I hear a knock at the door.   
"I'm just getting the door..." I say to my mom and I open the door to see Chris standing in his black leather jacket, his black fitted tank top, the dark blue plaid shirt still tied around his waist, and his black shorts. He grins at me and flips his curls out of his face as I cover the mouthpiece of the phone, lean in and give him a quick kiss on his soft pouty lips.

"Who is it?" He asks as I pull away, wave him to come in and put the phone back to my ear.   
"My mom," I mouth to him and he nods as he steps through the door and closes it. As my mom continues to talk in my ear, I walk back to the kitchen and pour a little more whiskey in my glass, I look over at Chris who was leaning on the kitchen door frame and hold up the bottle to ask if he would like one.

"No I'm good until we get to the park," He says quietly. I nod and set the bottle down and screw the cap back on with one hand.

"Mom... it's Chris..." I say as Chris raises his eyebrow at me.  
"Yes... he's here... I know... I know... I can call you tomorrow when I get back... it'll be later in the afternoon though... ok... uh huh...I know... ok... I love you too mom... ok... ok bye..." I say and quickly push the hang up button and it makes a 'beep' and quickly down my whiskey.

"Long talk with your mom?" Chris asks as I set the glass down on the counter.  
"Oh yea... but it was ok though.." I say as I set the phone back on its charging base and put the Jack in the fridge.   
"How is she?" He asks.  
"Um... well... miserable..." I say as I turn and look at him and his expression falls.

"It's ok... she's just really sick from the treatment... she's just finding it hard to eat and to sleep..." I say as I rinse my glass in the sink. I was already feeling the whiskey hit me and it really helped to talk about it with a bit of a buzz without feeling like I was going to fall apart.

"I'm sorry babe... are you ok?" He asks as he walks over to me.  
"Me? oh yea... I'm fine..." I lie. I turn off the tap and he brushes a stray curl out of my face.  
"We don't have to go... if you're not feeling up for it..." He says so soothingly.  
"No... no I'm ok... I want to go..." I say and look up at him as I dry my hands off with the tea towel. He leans down to me and presses his lips to mine as I completely get lost in his scent of leather and sweet musky cologne with a hint of smoke. I set the towel down on the counter and reach up to thread my fingers through his beautiful long curls as he pulls me closer into him.

I have no idea how he does it but in this moment, the feeling of his lips on mine melted away all the fear and hurt and pain I was shoving down into the pit of my stomach, even if it is only for a few moments. It's a few moments of love and peace that I long for all day, wrapped up in his arms. I pull away from his lips and he touches his forehead to mine.

"Well... if you still want to go we should leave now..." He says softly as I start to play with his beard. I'm actually really loving his beard now.   
"Yea... ok," I say as I slowly pull away from him and move to the living room to grab my bag and my jacket as he follows me and we head out the door to his truck.

•••

"Is it just us with Jeff and Stone?" I ask as I put in a tape of Aerosmith's 'Pump'.  
"Yea... and Mike too," Chris says as he turns up the stereo a bit and looks out the windshield.   
" I thought you said you didn't like this album..." I smirk at him.  
"Yea... well... it kinda grew on me," Chris smirks back at me and I giggle. We had been on the road for just a short while and we finally end up at the park. Chris pulls us up to a wide open field of the park area where we could see Jeff and Stone around the campfire that was somewhat close to the lighthouse and the beach. Chris turns the truck around so that the flatbed faced the fire and he hops out of his side and helps me out if my side of the truck and grabs his guitar and the case of beer.

"Chris! Hey! whats up!" Jeff smiles from the campfire holding up his beer as we walk up.  
"Hey!" Stone smiles at us.  
"Hey guys..." Chris smiles as he holds my hand. We all hug each other and then sit down on the makeshift log benches in front of the fire.  
"Fuck we were beginning to think that you guys weren't going to show up and it would've been really weird if it was just us two," Jeff says as he takes a drink of his beer.   
"Uh yea... sorry... I'm the one who made us kinda late..." I say as Chris sits down beside me and leans his guitar beside him against the bench.

"Oh that's ok... oh Chris... we were working on some more music to some of the lyrics you wrote... and man... we should jam tonight for sure," Stone says as he takes a sip.  
"Sweet... yea I brought out some of the other stuff I was working on too..." Chris says as he grabs a beer out of the pack opens it and hands it to me.   
"Oh and we actually found a singer for our band... you need to meet him... he somehow got a hold of our demos and wrote some lyrics to it and holy shit is he good!" Jeff says as he takes another drink.   
"Yea?" Chris smiles.  
"Yea... Eddie... Eddie Vedder... we're doing a rehearsal back at my place tomorrow night... you should meet him then," Mike chimes in and takes a sip of his beer.

"Uh sure... sounds good to me," Chris says as he takes a drink of his beer. I look at Chris and feel this overwhelming feeling of love for him, though it may just be the buzz I'm feeling but. I love the moments with him and the guys.

We all continue to drink and get a little drunk as eventually they break out their guitars and start playing. It was most of the stuff that Chris had been writing since Andy died and it was different. It was more bluesy and Chris's lyrics were different. 

"Wait... wait, wait what was that one you wrote to Stone's riff... um... what the fuck?" Jeff says as he starts snapping his fingers trying to think of it.  
"Which one?" Chris laughs and takes the last drink of his beer, then leans himself on his guitar that was across his knee to grab another.   
"Stone it was the one that went du dunna na da nuh, da dunna na da nuh..." Jeff tries but fails miserably at trying to make the sound of a guitar. Stone just looks at him like a crazy person.

"Don't look at me like that, you know... what the fuck was it called? ," Jeff laughs.  
"Times of trouble?" Chris says as he looks at Jeff confused.  
"Yes! thats it!" Jeff exclaims like a boy who got the answer right at a guessing game and won the biggest toy there is. Mike then just starts to play the riff and I look at Chris as he closes his eyes to get a feel for it and he starts to sing.

"When the spoon is hot  
And the needle's sharp  
And you drift away  
Oh oh I can hear you say

That the world in black  
Is upon your back  
And your body shakes  
So you ditch away  
And you close the shades

Don't try to do it  
Don't try to kill your time  
Oh oh   
Yeah, yeah you might do it  
Then you can't change your mind  
You've got a hold on to your time  
Till your break through these Times of  
Trouble"

I lean my head on Chris's shoulder and I can feel his voice through my whole body. I close my eyes and just take him in as he continues to sing those words.

"When you try to talk  
And the words get hard  
And they put you down  
Don't you stay  
Don't you ditch away

I saw you swinging  
Yeah swinging your mother's sword, oh   
Yeah, yeah I know you're playing   
Sometimes the rules get hard, oh   
But if somebody left you out on a ledge  
If somebody pushed you over the edge  
You got to hold on to your time till you break  
Through these times of   
Trouble

I saw you swinging  
Yeah, swinging your mother's sword oh   
Yeah yeah I know you're playing   
Sometimes the rules get harder oh oh   
But if somebody left you out on a ledge  
If somebody pushed you over the edge  
If somebody loved you and left you for dead  
You got to hold on to your time till you break  
Through these times of   
Trouble"

" Fuck yeah! That was amazing dude!" Jeff exclaims and everyone praises.   
"I just kept going to whatever you were singing there... I didn't know you finished it," Mike says as he takes a sip of his beer.  
"Yea I uh finished it the other day I think... I added in that last verse then..." Chris says as he takes the last sip of his beer and looks at me. I lift my head and look up at him as he moves in to place a kiss in my lips. I almost started to feel weird that we were in front of them but my buzzed brain didn't care. Chris could kiss me in front of a million people right now and it would still feel like we were the only two that existed.

•••

Hours later, Jeff, Stone and Mike had all passed out in their tents and it was just Chris and I left sitting on the log bench next to the fire. We sat facing each other as he would randomly play for me, some serious songs, some romantic songs and some just silly made up songs that made me laugh so hard I nearly spit out my beer.

"Well do you think it's time for us to get some sleep?" Chris says as he randomly plucks the guitar strings.   
"Maybe... but I don't know about you, but I'm drunk and not sleepy at all," I say with a giggle and take a sip of my beer.  
"Well what would you like to do then?" He smirks at me, still plucking the strings. I look into the fire for a moment feeling it's warmth on my skin with the coolness of the late summer air at my back. I look back at him, raise my eyebrow at him and take the last sip of my beer.

I set the empty beer bottle down take off my leather jacket and get up from the log bench. Chris looks up at me confused as I walk around the fire and towards the beach.  
"Andi... where are you going?" He calls to me. I turn back to face him as I take off my Aerosmith T-Shirt and drop it to the ground. He looks at me still confused from the fire as I continue to walk backwards, facing him, taking off my bra and letting it fall to the ground.   
"Babe... come back here..." He calls to me, his eyebrow raised as he takes the last sip of his beer.  
"Come and get me," I call to him, my arms crossed over my chest to cover my breasts. I see him smirk at me and he leans the guitar against the bench, stands up, takes his leather jacket off and walks towards me.

I start to laugh as he unties his plaid shirt that was around his waist and lets it drop to the ground, then lifts his black fitted tank top over his head, his hair falling down around his shoulders and lets it drop to the ground. I continue to walk backwards towards the beach still facing him but he starts to walk faster towards me. I start to laugh harder as I turn and make a run for it to the water while I still tried to cover my chest.   
"Oh, I don't think so... come here you," He says playfully as I let out a squeal trying to run to the water. Apparently he can run faster than me and he ends up catching me causing me to squeal louder and laugh hysterically as he carries me over his shoulder to the water.

"Chris! put me down!" I exclaim with laughter.   
"Nope" He laughs as he carries me into the water about waist high for him, apparently he's not phased by how cold the water is. He sets me down in front of him and I squeal again at how cold the water is which came up just passed my waist. I start to splash him and he splashes me back as we laugh and play in the water by the moonlight. I once again try to make a run for it back to the fire but he catches me again, us both laughing so hard.

"Look at that... caught you again... you're making this way too easy..." He laughs as I turn in his arms to face him, us both trying to catch our breaths as I wrap my arms around his neck trying to steady myself. I touch my forehead to his as we stand knee deep in the water under the full moonlight.

"I have never been more in love with you than I am right now, right here in this moment with you..." Chris says to me, his eyes closed, his hands holding me to him, my bare chest pressed against his smooth skin. I open my eyes to see the moonlight reflecting off the water. The air cool but calm, the night sky light up with stars like tiny flickering fireflies. I close my eyes and just breathe him in, listening to the gentle waves and the crickets far off in the woods and the low crackle of the fire left back on shore.

"Sing to me Chris..." I sigh, as he slowly smiles and touches his lips to my forehead.

"Standing in the moonlight laughing....   
Hiding behind ... a rainbow's wall....  
Slipping... and sliding...  
All along the... water's shore , with you...   
My brown-eyed girl...  
You're... my... brown-eyed girl..."

As he continues to sing those words improvising and changing them to fit the moment, laughing a little as I giggle with him, and low so that only I can hear him, his forehead still touching mine. I melt in his arms to the sound of his voice softly singing to me as he holds me under the full moonlight.


	27. Times Of Trouble

Seattle Washington,   
August 22, 1990

The next morning, I wake up next to Chris in the flatbed of his truck, underneath so many blankets with his arm draped around me. I take in a deep breath and listen to him as he sleeps. As my eyes flicker open I look at him, his curly hair strewn across his face, his breathing slow and deep while he seems to be lost in a dream somewhere. I smile at him as I watch him sleep and I reach up to brush his curls out of his face. Chris flickers his eyes open and sees me looking up at him.

"Hi," He says cutely.  
"Hi," I say quietly back. He takes in a deep breath and stretches a little.  
"What time is it?" He asks rubbing his eyes.  
"Um... I don't know... I think it's still early..." I say as he rolls on to his back. He then moves to the edge of the flat bed and opens up the tailgate and the window of the cap. He sees Jeff by the fire pit having a smoke.

"Hey, you two," Jeff smiles.  
"Hey," Chris says groggily. Chris turns back to me as I throw on my hoodie that I brought and he grabs his PJ pants and quickly manages to get them on. Chris places a quick kiss on my forehead and then climbs out of the flatbed.

"You guys sleep ok?" Jeff asks squinting his eyes from the sun as he looks up at Chris.  
"Yea..." Chris says as Jeff hands him a smoke. Chris flips his hair out of his face and lights up the cigarette. I manage to finally climb out of the flatbed and I just throw my curls up in a hair tie.  
"Did Mike and Stone already leave?" Chris asks as he sits down on the log bench and squints his from the smoke.   
"Yea they left as soon as the sun came up," Jeff says as he takes a drag. Jeff looks out towards the water as I close up the tailgate and I then suddenly notice my clothes were still all strewn along the campfire area and the beach.

"So... you guys have a fun night or what?" Jeff smirks and looks at me. I smile nervously at him and walk towards the fire pit.   
"Uh... yea..." I say shyly and Chris giggles. I then decide to walk over and quickly pick up the rest of our clothes and head towards the water and pick up the clothes that I tossed while were playing in the water.

"Good night last night?" Jeff smirks at Chris.  
"Yea... yea it was actually," Chris says as he takes a drag.   
"She's good for you man... the change in you that we all see is just amazing... even through all the stuff with Andy... she's good for you man..." Jeff says as he takes a drag of his smoke.

"Yea... I fucking love that girl so much man... she's like... fuck... I can't even describe it..." Chris says as he grabs a bottle of water out of the cooler case and unscrews the cap to take a sip.

"Well I think I got all my clothes..." I laugh a little as I walk back up to the fire pit and Chris smiles at me. He reaches out and catches my hand and I squeeze it a little as I walk over to the truck and throw my clothes into my bag and put it in the passenger seat.   
"Hey babe, when do you want to head out?" Chris calls as he takes a drag of his smoke.   
"Um... well anytime you're ready..." I say as I close the truck door.

"Well... I don't know about you guys but I'm fucking hungry so I'm just going to head back into town..." Jeff says as he butts out his smoke.  
"Cool... yea I think we're gonna head out here too," Chris says and takes the last drag of his smoke and butts it out.  
"Alright well... I guess I'll see you next week or something? Is it next week we start recording?" Jeff says as he stands up.  
"Yep... Monday..." Chris says as he stands up as well.   
"Cool... alright..."Jeff says and moves to him and they hug.  
"Andi... I'm glad you came out," Jeff says sweetly and walks over to me and gives me a hug.   
"Awe... yea of course..." I say as he lingers for a moment and then breaks away from me.   
"Alright... later," Jeff says as he turns and walks over to his car and drives away.

"So... you wanna head out?" Chris walks over to me and squints his eyes from the sun.  
"Yea I'm pretty hungry," I say as he pulls me into him. He leans down and places a kiss on my neck while his lips slowly graze up to my earlobe.   
"Me too," He says low in my ear.  
"Chris... I mean for food," I laugh and playfully push him away while his beard tickles my earlobe.   
"Ok, ok... lets get the fuck outta here," He giggles as he turns to grab the cooler pack from the fire pit. He throws it into the flatbed of the truck and just grabs a plain black T-Shirt to throw it on for the ride. I hop into the passenger seat of the truck while he grabs his guitar and sets it in behind his seat and hops in as we take off back to town.

•••

A short while later, Chris drops me off at home and I immediately hop in to take a quick shower. Chris and I are going to meet up in an hour to go out for some food and hang out some more but I desperately needed to clean up a little.

I hop out of the shower and quickly change into a pair of black ripped leggings, my favourite Type O Negative T-Shirt and throw my hair back up in a messy bun. I walk into the kitchen just to grab a drink and I notice a message blinking on my answering machine. I press the button to play it as I pour myself some juice.

"Hello Andrea... it's your auntie Ann calling. It's about your mother... we had to take her to the hospital... call me as soon as you get this... alrighty... talk at ya later... bye..."

As soon as that message played my heart dropped out from my chest and hit the floor. I quickly scramble to the phone and call my aunt.

"Hey... yea it's me... what happened...? Oh my god... uh huh... is she ok...? Um... yea... yea I can see... I'll get a flight as soon as I can... no... no I should be ok for money.... no really its ok... ok... oh my god... ok... I'll call you when I get to Pearson... ok... ok bye,"

I hang up with my aunt and try to hold myself together and not panic. I run to the bedroom and grab as many clothes as I can think of that I would need and pack them quickly onto my suitcase. As soon as I have everything packed I call my work and tell Nancy that I won't be in for a while. I told her what happened and she completely understood and gave me as much time as I would need and said to call when I'm back in town. As soon as I hang up with Nancy I try to call Chris but there was no answer.   
I call him a second time and this time I leave a message.

"Chris... I can't meet up today... I uh... I can't explain it over the phone... please, please, please call me as soon as you get this ok...? I love you...bye," I say frazzled trying not to cry into his answering machine. I hang up and continue to get ready as fast as I can. After I'm sure that I have everything I need I call the airport to book a flight to Toronto. There was a flight available for tonight at around 6pm which would get me to Toronto by midnight. I book the flight and give them my credit card to hold my tickets and try to keep myself calm while I wait for Chris to call me back.

A little bit goes by and Chris still hadn't called me back so I get up from the couch and head back into the kitchen to call him again. Normally I wouldn't be so persistent but I need him more than anything right now. As soon as the phone starts to ring I hear a knock at my door. As I keep the phone to my ear I walk over and open the door to see Chris standing there. All of a sudden I couldn't help myself and I drop the phone and start to cry.

"Baby...?" He says with a furrowed brow and pulls me into his arms. I cry hard into his chest as he holds me, the smell of his cologne, though comforting, didn't stop the feeling of my heart dropping to the floor and breaking into a million pieces.   
"Shhhhh... ok calm down babe...what happened?" Chris soothes me. I manage to pull myself away from him and wipe my face, feeling slightly embarrassed I just left a wet mark on his army green button up shirt.  
"Sorry... I uh...didn't mean to..." I say still half crying as I touch his chest where I left my tears.

"Andi... it's ok... what happened...? He says concerned as he closes the door behind him.  
"I have to go home... my mom is in the hospital and it's not good... my aunt called and said she's ok right now but she's in emergency and... I need to go and see her... so I booked a flight for tonight, the plane leaves at 6pm..." I say as I turn and move my suitcase out of the way for him.  
"Ok whoa... whoa... why is she in emergency...? Chris asks.   
"My aunt says she was having trouble walking the last couple of days and then earlier this morning she couldn't walk at all... so my mom called her to come over and my aunt ended up calling an ambulance cause she couldn't even stand up...." I say trying not to freak out.   
"Ok... fuck... ok... I'll go home right now and pack something quick and I'll be right back..." Chris says.  
"No... no you don't have to come with me at all... it's ok... I don't know when I'll be back... I may have to stay there for a while..." I say as I look up at him.

"Andi... It's alright... do you need me?" He asks and I nod my head 'yes'  
"Then I'll pack really quick and I'll be right back ok...?" Chris says as he places a kiss on my forehead and I almost want to cry again.

"It's ok babe... I got you," Chris offers a smile and I half smile back at him and he turns and heads out the door.


	28. I Wanna Tell you That I Love You, But Does It Really Matter?

Peterborough Ontario, Canada   
August 22,1990

Chris and I get to the Seattle-Tacoma international airport just in time and I was able to add an extra ticket for him. He refused to let me pay for it though and ended up putting the expenses for both of our tickets on his card instead. We then board the plane and head to Toronto.

The flight was long and boring but Chris was amazing at trying to keep my mind occupied on other things instead of focusing on what is actually happening. We arrived at Pearson airport around midnight and Chris was able to rent a car which I insisted that I pay for since he paid for our tickets. I called my aunt from a pay phone inside the airport to let her know I was in Toronto and would be in Peterborough by 1am. I was so worried I didn't even care about sleeping but Chris booked us a room at the Holiday Inn in Peterborough.

We eventually get a Nissan Pathfinder to rent and we were on our way to Peterborough. The whole way there I just couldn't stop thinking about how my mom was and what was happening. Chris was just so amazing the whole time, being silly, trying to make me laugh and also being silly to help keep himself awake. He didn't sleep on the plane either.

About an hour later, thanks to Chris' driving and my directions, we arrive in Peterborough and I direct him to the Holiday Inn. We check in and I was amazed that we were able to check in so late.

"Come here," Chris says after we get to our room and set our bags down by the door. He lays down on the bed and gestures for me to lay down with him. I climb up on the bed and he draws me into his arms while I play with his curls that spilled across his chest. I snuggle further into his chest as he moves my leg to lay across hips. We lay together entangled in each other while I attempt to try to get some sleep. I'm so scared. I honestly don't know if I can do this.

August 23, 1990

The next morning I wake up early, not realizing I had slept in my clothes from the day before. Chris' arms were still wrapped around me as my face was firmly planted against his chest. Hearing his heartbeat woke me up just as it helped me fall asleep and I slowly move to look up at his sleeping face. His hair had somehow strewn across his faced while he planted himself into the pillow. His slow deep breathes of his dreaming made me smile. He looked so peaceful and so boyish it made my heart flutter.

I reach up and brush his curls out of his face and then slowly play with the fuzziness of his beard. I love these moments with him. He suddenly flickers his eyes open and looks at me as he takes in a deep breath.   
"Hi," He says softly.  
"Hi," I say as I move my hand back down to his chest. He lifts his head to look at the clock on the bedside table and then flops his head back down and lets out a moan.

"We have to get up don't we?" He says sleepily as he closes his eyes.  
"I can just go by myself if you need to sleep," I say and he looks down at me.  
"Do you want to go by yourself?" He asks.  
"Not really," I say as I snuggle back into him.  
"I didn't think so," He says and I giggle a little. He moves to place a kiss on my forehead and I look up at him and press my lips to his instead. He wraps his arms around me as his lips move with mine and for moment, this was the most perfect feeling in the world, in his arms protecting me from all the pain and fear that will eventually weasel it's way back in.

He breaks away from my lips and places a quick kiss on my forehead and then shifts himself and gets up from the bed and heads into the washroom. I roll over on to my back and close my eyes, trying to prepare myself for today. I take in a deep breath and decide to get ready. I'll need all the strength I can muster to face what is about to come.

•••

A little while later, I call my aunt and decide to meet her at the hospital. I just throw on my Aerosmith T-Shirt, the one that Chris wrote on when we first met, my skinny ripped jeans and my Doc Martens. Chris throws on a black button up shirt, the first 3 buttons left undone like usual, his black baggy shorts and his Doc Martens too, even though it was about 75 degrees and humid, we obviously didn't care.

"Alright... you ready?" Chris asks me as he grabs the keys from the side table.   
"No but... I don't really have a choice..." I say as I grab my sunglasses. He walks over to me and with his hand behind my head, he presses his lips to my forehead.   
" Ok... lets go..." He says as he opens the door and I walk through and he locks the door behind us.

•••

It was a short drive to the hospital as I guided Chris along the way. As we entered the hospital, I walked up to the reception and the nurse guided me to where my mom was. Chris took my hand as we followed the nurse to the room my mom was in. She was in the ICU and she needed her own secluded room because she is prone to infection quiet easily because of the leukaemia.

"Now your mom is awake but she's in a bit of pain. We gave her some morphine to help for now..." The nurse says.  
"What happened?" I ask.  
"Nobody has told you yet?" She asks me and I shake my head 'no'

"She's had an MRI done and they found some blood clots in the arteries that run from her groin and down to her legs that were significantly restricting proper blood flow, so last night she had to go in for emergency surgery but when she came out the first time, she was still in a lot of pain so they had to take her in for a second round to make sure all the clots were removed," The nurse tells me as we arrive just outside her room. My head began to ring as I tried to take in everything the nurse told me.   
"You can go in," She says and I look up at Chris with a worried look.

"I'm right here... don't worry," He says quietly to me. I open the door a little and see my mom laying on the bed looking like she's fast asleep. I squeeze Chris' hand as he follows in behind me. I walk further into the room and she flickers her eyes open.   
"Andrea... is that you?" She says groggily.  
"Yea mom... it's me," I say as she sits up in bed a little.   
"Oh and Chris too...?"She smiles and tries to fix her hair.  
" Hi," Chris says sweetly.  
"What are you doing here?" She asks me. I look at Chris and he looks back at me just as confused as I am.

"Mom... Ann called me... I flew in last night..."   
"Oh... you didn't have to do that," She says to me and I look at her confused.  
"Mom..." I start but I was cut off by a doctor coming into the room.  
"Hello... I'm doctor Stevenson and you must be her daughter Andrea right?" He says as he extends his hand for me to shake. I shake his hand and he walks around to her side of the bed.

"How are you feeling Catherine?" He asks my mom.  
"Fine," she says shortly.   
"So I hear you want to stop your treatment," He says and I look at him in disbelief.  
"What...? Mom what is he talking about?" I ask as I start to panic and Chris squeezes my hand.  
"Yes I want to stop... that stuff is killing me... I don't want it anymore," My mom says sternly and I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

As the doctor goes over what had happened and how the clotting took place I start to feel completely numb. Why has no one told me anything? Why is everyone keeping this a secret from me? I feel Chris place his hand on my lower back and lean into me closer while I just stood there listening to the doctor tell my mom why its better to continue with treatment even though she completely refuses at this point. After a little bit the doctor accepts her decision and then leaves us in the room. I still have no idea where my aunt is, she was supposed to meet me here.

"Mom... why... why do you wanna stop?" I say trying desperately not to cry.   
"Andrea... I can't do it anymore... I'm miserable... I can't eat... I can't sleep... I hurt all over... at least before I started treatment I felt ok... I wasn't in any pain... I just want to stop," She says as she looks up at me. All I wanted to do was cry and I feel Chris press his lips to the top of my head.   
"Mom... you do realize that... if you stop... you'll die right?" I say with my voice shaking. I wanted to knock some sense into her. Why is she giving up? Of all the things she's been through in her life, why is she giving up? She looks at me and then looks away, sighs and shrugs as if she is defeated.

"I'm gonna die if I keep taking the treatments so... I would rather be ok for a little while... then prolong this... thing..." She says as she looks straight ahead. She then slowly looks back at me and offers me a smile.

"So... how long are you here for?" She says sweetly to me, trying to lighten the black darkness of the inevitable that loomed in the room.  
" A little bit mom... I'm here for... a little bit," I say fighting back the lump in my throat as Chris squeezes my hand.

•••

We sit and talk with my mom for a little while longer and her and Chris talk a lot more while I sit and stare, in a daze trying to wrap my head around the whole thing. The whole freaking time I was in that room with my mom, all I wanted was a drink. Just one little drink to help ease the edginess I felt inside. After my aunt finally decided to show up, I couldn't be in that hospital any longer. I ask Chris quietly if we could go and so I tell my mom goodbye for now and that I love her we head out of her room and out of the hospital.

We get to the rental car and I get in my side while Chris gets in his side. I sit in the car staring straight ahead through the windshield while Chris puts the keys in the ignition but doesn't turn the car on yet. He sits in his seat and looks over at me and reaches over to brush a stray curl out of my face but I still look straight ahead through the windshield. He moves his fingers to my earlobe and he gently plays with my earring while I continue to just sit and stare.

I don't know what came over me but suddenly I couldn't breathe. No matter how much oxygen I took in, it was not enough to fill my lungs. The wind had been completely knocked out of me. I started to take in panting hard breaths and I could feel Chris looking at me like he had no idea what was happening to me.

"Andi...? Baby..?" He says slightly panicked but I couldn't hear anything. I couldn't feel anything. All I could feel was this crushing weight sitting on my chest preventing me from breathing. I let out a cry and then I let out a scream and I punch the dashboard and start to kick the door. I could care less my hand was broken or whatever, I don't think it was but I didn't give a shit. I wanted this to go away I wanted to not feel this anymore.

"Hey..! Babe..!" Chris exclaims through my shouting cries but I couldn't hear. He grabs me and holds me to him while I continue to have a breakdown. I kick the door as I sob and cry while he pulls me into him to get me to stop. He's never seen me like this before. I've never been like this before. I've never felt anything like this before.

"Andrea stop...!" He shouts at me and I let out a cry. The most heartbroken crying sound I've ever made in my entire life. This is the hardest cry I've ever let out in my entire existence. He holds me and tries to hush me as I can almost hear him begin to cry with me.

"Andrea you... you have to stop... take a deep breath... just breathe baby... just ... breathe," He says completely emotional but is able to hold it together and comfort me as I sob and cry and completely loose myself in his arms.

•••

In the days that followed, my mom was able to be sent home, though I had started to pull away from Chris. I didn't know how to deal with these feelings and I think he knew it. I saw my mom a few times before we caught our flight back to Seattle, and all of those times I went to see her without him. He obviously was retreating from me as well in response to me pushing him away over the next few days. I just didn't want to deal with any of these feelings and I just wanted to be with my mom.

We flew back to Seattle in complete silence. We sat beside each other the whole way but every time he attempted to hold me, I just didn't want him to. I wish I could explain why but I just felt alone, not knowing how to process anything.

When we got off the plane, I wanted to take a cab back home by myself. I could see the hurt in Chris's face but I just wanted to be alone. We left the airport separately and I headed back to my apartment, and tried to get back to normal. I still love Chris with everything I have but I'm numb and don't understand why I can't just let him comfort me. I'm confused and all I want to do is just be alone. I hate this.


	29. Kim To The Rescue!

Seattle Washington,   
November 2, 1990

I was back home in Seattle. My mom was recovering well from her surgery and they were able to send her home to so that she could have some normalcy in her life without hospital visits and treatments. She was put into the palliative care program that was provided by the Canadian government so a nurse would come to her home once a week for check ups and bloodwork to monitor how the disease was progressing.

Since she had done 3 rounds of chemo, the leukaemia, though not cured, had subsided for now and basically she can live her life as long as she can and as comfortably as she can. I was still not happy about her stopping treatment. I don't want my mom to die but I also don't want to see her so miserable. It's her decision and I have to accept it, though I'm not taking it very well. It's killing me inside in a way I've never experienced before and I refuse to talk about it with anyone. I just want to forget about it.

Chris was finishing recording sessions for an album that he wrote together with Stone, Jeff, Mike and Matt. One night while they were rehearsing, Jeff suggested that Eddie come down to one of the rehearsals that Jeff held at his house and Chris immediately hit it off with Eddie. The first time they rehearsed 'Hunger Strike' that Chris wrote, Eddie just started to sing the second part which blew Chris away. It was exactly what Chris was looking for in that song and asked Eddie to contribute that part on the album. They eventually came up with the name Temple Of The Dog which was a reference to the line in the song 'Man Of Golden Words' that Andy wrote with Mother Love Bone. Chris was so busy with everything he was doing with Temple Of The Dog which left me to try to focus on working at the store. Even though I dropped down to part time, I picked up hours as much as I could, just to get my mind off of the horrible numbness I feel inside.

I decided to walk to work, passing people as they walk by, trying to push through the day as best I can, when I hear a voice call my name from behind me. I turn and see Kim walking towards me. It had been so long since I've seen him, or anyone for that matter, my heart filled up with so much emotion.

"Andi!" He smiles as I stop in the middle of the sidewalk.  
"Kim," I smile at him as he walks up to me. I have no idea what came over me but I threw myself into hugging him.   
"Whoa... hey..." Kim laughs a little as he hugs me back. He holds me for a few minutes and suddenly the tears started flowing.

"Andi... what...? I mean..." Kim stutters a little. I don't think he's ever seen me cry before.   
"I'm sorry... I'm just... fuck I'm emotional," I say, trying to laugh it off as I pull away from him and wipe my eyes.   
"Well... I do have that affect on women," Kim says smirks sarcastically and I tap him on the chest.   
"Very funny," I sniff.  
"Where you headed?" He asks.  
"Work... maybe... fuck, I don't know anymore..." I say as I look down at myself.

"Well if you don't know... then lets go somewhere where you will know..." He smirks at me and I giggle through my remaining tears.   
"Ok..." I say.   
"I'm just grabbing a drink down here if you want to join me...?" He says sweetly to me.  
"By yourself?" I ask.   
"Fuck yea... why the hell not?" He says and I laugh again.

We walk just a little bit further down the street and head into the pub just on the corner. We grab a booth table while a waitress comes by and hands us some menus.   
"Uh... just a beer for me..." Kim says to the waitress.   
"The same," I say and hands her back the menu. She walks away and Kim and I sit in silence for what seemed like forever, and then he decides to say what loomed in the air.

"You and Chris ok?" He asks. I look up at him, not sure what to say. Kim and I have always been close. He's kinda like the big brother I've never had. Which I've never had a big brother before, I'm an only child, but he's the only other one other than Andy that I could confide in. I haven't heard from Selena in so long, We've obviously grown apart.

"Honestly... I have no idea... I haven't heard from him since the day after we came home..." I say sadly trying not to cry.  
"What...?" Kim asks confused.  
"I mean... I haven't exactly reached out to him in the last few weeks but... I know he's busy and I don't want to... I mean... I don't know... I'm just so confused..." I say as I look down at myself.

"Did something happen?" Kim asks as the waitress brings us our beers. I realize Kim has no idea about my mom being in the hospital. I take a sip of my beer and then explain everything that's happened in the last few weeks. My mom stopping treatment, her surgery and even the breakdown I had in the car.

"After we came back home, he had to do stuff with Temple, of course and so I know he's been so busy... so we haven't talked really since then..." I say as I sip my beer.  
"Huh..." Kim says thoughtfully and sips his beer.   
"What...?" I ask.  
"Nothing...nothing..." Kim says.  
"No, what...?" I ask and set my beer down. Kim looks at me thoughtfully and then turns his attention back to his beer.

"You two are so fucking alike it's unreal," Kim says and I smirk at him. Suddenly one of Kim's friends recognizes him and they interrupt the conversation we were having and they begin to catch up with each other. I start to feel a little out of place and so I decide to go.

"Andi... you don't have to go..." Kim says.  
"No it's ok... I've got to get to work..." I say as I get up from my chair.  
"Ok... well... come here... you can't leave yet," Kim says and stands up to give me a hug and holds me for a few moments.  
"He loves you Andi... I know he does," Kim says quietly to me which makes me want to cry. If he loves me then why the hell do I feel like this?


	30. Who Gets Mystified?

Seattle Washington,   
November 2, 1990

"No... fuck that doesn't sound right," Chris says to himself as he scribbles on a sheet of paper in front of him. He sat in his room on the floor with his cherry burst Gibson in hand, scribbling the words he could hear in his head.

"I'm looking California... and feeling Minnesota...? No... that sounds ridiculous..." Chris repeats back to himself and scribbles out the words. He then starts to play a tiny little riff on his guitar and starts to think about the line over again.

"I'm looking California...  
And feeling Minnesota.... oh yea...

I'm feeling like I'm sober...  
Even though I'm drinking...  
I can't get any lower...  
Still I feel I'm sinking...."

Chris sings softly to himself and scribbles more lyrics down. He stops for a moment and then sits plucking the strings, staring off out the window of his room.

It was weeks since he heard her voice and felt her touch. He understands why she pushed him away a little bit and wanted to give her space, and everything that has been happening with Temple of The Dog, he wasn't sure just how to reconnect back to her again.

"Fuck, this is stupid!" He says angrily and gets up from the floor, walks over to the phone to call her.

"Hey... you know what to do," Her answering machine picks up instead.  
"Andi... it's me... Chris... uh... I was just calling you to... oh fuck... I never know how to leave a message on these things... call me if you want... I'll be home... I miss you..."

Chris hangs up the phone and sits back down on the floor in front of the sheet of paper he was scribbling on.


	31. The Day I Tried To Live

Seattle Washington,   
November 2, 1990

As I walk out of the pub and leave Kim with his friends, I head to work hoping Nancy wouldn't notice the smell of beer I felt like I had. I mean she shouldn't care, she's come in hungover more times than I can count and she's the owner. I really didn't want to go to work. I just wanted to stay home and lay in bed and not think or feel anything, but the only thing I know how to do is just work and shove everything down inside me.

I arrive at work and immediately head downstairs to grab the new arrivals to bring them upstairs to set out on the rack.  
"Andi... hi," Nancy says as I walk by her office.  
"Oh... hey," I say as I stop for a second to poke my head in and then turned to head upstairs  
"Andi... wait a minute..." She calls back. I turn back and stand at the office door.  
"Yea?" I ask worried.   
"I thought you had tonight off?" She says. I honestly couldn't remember what day I was supposed to work or not.

"Um... did I?" I say awkwardly.  
"It's marked right here," She says as she points to the schedule.   
"Oh... um... ok well I can just go..." I say as I turn to put the box down.  
"Andi it's fine you can work tonight if you need to but... are you ok...? You just seem... a little..." She trails off.   
"Off...?" I say.  
"Well... yea... is everything alright...?" She asks.  
I wanted to let everything out. I wanted to crawl into a corner and cry and never come out.

"Yea... yea I'm ok," I lie. She looks at me and I dart my eyes away from her. I don't want her to know what's going on. She doesn't need to know. I can handle it, I just need to get myself together.   
"Alright... well if you need anything just let me know..." She says after a few minutes and I offer a quick smile and then pick up the box of shirts and head upstairs.

•••

After my short shift was done I immediately head straight home. I had enough change left over for the bus which was amazing. I really didn't want to walk the 10 blocks home.

I arrive back at home and head into the kitchen to pour myself a drink. I had just enough whiskey left for 1 drink and so I poured myself one. Just one drink is all I need just to take the edge off a little bit. As I sip the whiskey slowly I turn around and see a message flashing on the answering machine. It's probably my mom, she always leaves the funniest messages sometimes. 

I walk over and press the play button and listen to the message.  
"Andi... it's me... Chris... uh... I was just calling you to... oh fuck... I never know how to leave a message on these things... call me if you want... I'll be home... I miss you..."  
The tape stops but I just decide to turn down the volume. I don't want to talk right now. I just want to be alone with my drink where I don't have to feel like I'm loosing everything.

I head into the living room and put on Type O Negative's Bloody Kisses Album. I turn up the stereo, reposition the speakers to face me better then set my drink down on the coffee table and lay down on the floor, feeling the music through my body, loosing myself in another world by forgetting all the bad that is in this one.


	32. Kim's Basement

Seattle Washington,   
January 15, 1991

"You don't think it's stupid do you?" Chris asks.  
"No man... it works... it totally works..." Kim says as he plucks the strings of his Gibson Firebird.

Chris sat on a stool in Kim's basement reading from the scribbles of paper that lay out before him. Kim had turned the basement of his house into a rehearsal room and since Temple Of The Dog had just released their album, Chris immediately wanted to start on the next Soundgarden record.

"Ok... ok cool so.. it would go  
I got up feeling so down  
I got off being sold out  
I've kept the movie rolling  
But the story's getting old now, oh yeah  
I just looked in the mirror  
And things aren't looking so good  
I'm looking California and feeling Minnesota, oh yeah..."

Chris sings the first verse as Kim picks up on the riff that he could hear, while Chris sang.  
"Yea...?" Chris smiles at him.  
"Fuck yea..." Kim smiles back as Chris looks down at the lyric sheet and just starts randomly playing some tune.

"You want a beer?" Kim asks as he sets down his guitar.   
"Yea," Chris says as he sets his guitar aside and leans it against the amp. He looks around the room looking at everything Kim had done with the place and realized he should probably invest in his on house as well.

"Fuck... What you did down here is really cool man..." Chris says flipping his curls out of his face as Kim hands him a beer.   
"Yea... it's still a work in progress but. It was time to finally, you know, buy a home, make it my own... kinda thing," Kim says and takes a sip of his beer.

"Fuck... it sucks Ben couldn't get here... he was telling me about some material he wrote and I wanted him to come over so we could all jam together..." Kim says.  
"Yea he uh... showed me a piece he was working on and man... it's fucking cool... but we'll have to get together tomorrow I guess. He was just busy today... or something," Chris says and takes a sip of his beer. There was a bit of silence between them and then Kim needed to at least address the big elephant in the room.

"So...Andi... yea?" Kim nods and Chris gives him a weird look.   
"What about her?" Chris says flatly and takes a sip of his beer.   
"Have you seen her...? Have you talked to her...?" Kim tries to elaborate and Chris takes a longer drink of his beer.

"For your information, I have tried to call her but she didn't call me back... so... I figure she just wants some space which is fine... I will give her all the time she needs..." Chris says and downs the rest of his beer.  
"Well... ok I know I'm the last person to get involved here but... fuck... you need to go and see her," Kim says.  
"Why...? She's the one ignoring me... she's the one who pushed me away when all I'm trying to do is be there for her..." Chris says as he gets up off the stool and heads towards the fridge to grab another beer.

"Well I know that... but man...just go and talk to her in person... like catch her at work or something... somewhere where she can't push you away or something," Kim says as he takes another sip. Chris opens another beer and walks back over to the stool and sits down. He leans forward on his knees and flips his curls out of his face.

"What happened anyways?" Kim asks, since Andi wasn't clear on the specifics he figured he try with Chris.  
"Well... you know her mom's really sick right...?"  
"Yea,"  
"So we had to fly back to her hometown to find out what happened. Her mom had to go in for emergency surgery. She had some blood clotting from the chemo and blood transfusions and so they were able to save her but her mom decided to stop treatment and Andi's not taking it well at all. As soon as we got back to Seattle she completely pushed me away... she wouldn't talk... she completely shut herself down to me. She had a break down in the car at the hospital but that was the last time I saw any sort of response from her since then," Chris explains while Kim just listens.

"Fuck man..." Kim says and sips his beer.  
"It sucks cause I know what she's going through... I know that feeling of numbness and darkness but she won't let me in...It's been a long fucking time..." Chris says as he sits back on the stool and takes a sip of his beer.

"Just go see her man... she'll let you back in," Kim says and Chris looks at him then back down at his beer. He has no idea how this got so complicated. He does need to see her, to prove to her he's not going anywhere.   
"Yea... I hope so," Chris says and takes a sip.   
"Come on... this is Andi we're talking about here... she loves you man... she just needs time... I'm sure once she sees you, everything will go back the way it was..." Kim says as he finishes his beer. 

"Yea..." Chris smiles at him.  
"Come on... lets uh... jam some more?" Kim says as he taps him on the shoulder.   
"Sure,"


	33. Come Bite The Apple

Seattle Washington,   
January 15, 1991 

"... I know mom..." I say into the phone as I finish styling my hair. I was just getting ready to leave to go and get a drink downtown when she called me.

"No... no mom... No we haven't talked yet..." I say to her as I adjust my shirt. She kept asking me about Chris and I just didn't want to talk about him.

"I know you like him... yea... yea I know... maybe... I don't know... mom I've got to head out here I'm running a little late... I can call you later if you want?" I say as I grab my Doc Martens by the door.

"Ok... I will... I love you... alright... bye," I say and hang up. I wish she would stop asking about him. I just really don't want to talk about him or even think about him. I don't know why I feel this way I just want to be alone, is that so bad?

Anyways I finish tying up my boots, grab my leather jacket and throw it on over my Aerosmith shirt that I had cut and styled, the same one Chris wrote on the inside, and head out the door.

•••

I make my way down town by catching the bus and head directly into Murphy's Pub and Restaurant. I had been here a couple of times before just on my own and it was a really cool little Irish pub and they had the best homemade hand cut fries with onion dip, dear god, it was to die for. I head up to the bar and order a pint of beer and some fries and just as I turned with my beer to go sit at a table to wait for my fries, my face nearly made contact with a chest, startling me and spilling my beer a little all over my hand.

"Shit... I'm so sorry," I say as I look down at myself and try to shake my hand dry.   
"That's ok," A deep voice says to me. I look up and see a set of eyes so blue like oceans and long curls that framed a heart shaped face.  
"I can be so clumsy sometimes," I say as I look down at myself again trying to dry my hand.  
"No worries... it was actually my fault so walking up here so fast..."

I look up and smirk at him feeling a little awkward but he smiles so sweetly at me and tucks his curls behind his ear.  
"Uh... I'm just gonna... y'know," I say as I gesture to the empty table across from me in front of a window that overlooked the street.   
"Oh sure.. " He says and he steps aside letting me through a few people. I grab my table, sit down and sip my beer while I wait for my food. I look back up at the bar and I see him order a beer and he turns back to see me. I grin not knowing what to do but he seemed really nice. He holds up his beer as if to cheers me in the air and I offer a smile and do the same. I then turn and look out the window, trying to forget about everything I'm feeling.

A few moments later, the waitress brings me my fries and I sit and peck at them one by one while I sip my beer. Every once and a while I catch him glancing over at me as he sips his beer while I quickly turn my attention back to my food. I look out the window again as I take a sip of my beer not even noticing he walked up to my table.

"I'm sorry I don't mean to be too forward or anything but... and you can tell me to fuck off if you want to but I couldn't help but notice your shirt..." He says as I turn and look up at him. I look down at myself and remember the Aerosmith shirt that I'm wearing.   
"Oh... yea... I uh found this at the uh thrift store I sort of work at..." I say and he smiles at me.  
"Sort of?" He smiles.   
"Uh yea... well... I mean... never mind," I say trying not to feel awkward.

"Oh... well...I love Aerosmith.. did you get to see them on that tour?" He asks.  
"No... I just love Aerosmith too...," I say as I look up at him. He seemed so sweet.   
"I'm sorry I didn't mean to bother you if I did..." He says shyly.  
"No... no its ok... it's no bother," I say and take a sip of my beer. He looks at me with the sweetest smile on his face and I could tell he was trying not to feel awkward as well.

"I'm Eddie," He says and suddenly my heart stopped.   
"I'm Andi..." I say trying to hold it together. If he's the Eddie that Chris mentioned, this is going to be weird.

"Have a seat if you want," I say without even realizing the words that just came out of my mouth. He smiles and takes the seat across from me.   
"Are you from around here?" I ask as I take a bite of my fries.   
"Well not originally but, I do live on the north east side..." He says and takes a sip of his beer.  
"Cool...," I say as I take a sip of my beer.  
"Yea I uh... moved here from San Diego just a few months ago actually..." He says as he looks at me. It is the Eddie that Chris mentioned. I thought about maybe saying something but I didn't know how to even say it. I decide it's not worth mentioning right now and anyways we're just talking.

We start to strike up a conversation about music and bands we like. I tell him where I'm originally from and we talk more about how he ended up here in Seattle. I could feel the beer starting to hit me as we continue to talk. He is really really sweet. I can tell he's really shy though and that it probably took some courage to walk up to me but he is so nice.

A few more drinks later and a few more conversations later, I decide it's time for me to head home.   
"Well I'm sorry to leave you here but I should get back..." I say as I put my jacket on.  
"That's alright... um... If you want, I can walk you home? It is a bit dark out now..." Eddie says as he gestures out the window.   
"Um... no that's ok... I'm ok walking..." I say shyly.  
"No really... I don't mind..." He says as he looks at me, his brow furrowed with a look of concern. I have no idea what came over me but I take him up on his offer.  
"Ok... um well I'm ready if you are," I say as I stand up.  
"Sure," He smiles at me as he stands up from his chair and as I turn to leave the pub, he follows behind me, holding the door open for me as we walk out onto the sidewalk.

•••  
As Eddie walks me home, we talk more and slowly get to know each other. The conversation flowed from different music we were into to just a little on how we grew up and what we are doing now. It feels like I'm talking to a friend that I've known all my life. Which is more than I can say of what I have now for friends.

"This is me here," I say as I gesture to the house that we were walking up to and he follows me up the steps. I turn and take my keys out the pocket of my jacket and he looks at me with such a sweet grin, I just remain silent unsure of what to even say.

"Um... thank you for walking me home," I say as I look up at him after a few moments.   
"You're welcome," Eddie says shyly.  
"I hope it wasn't too far out of your way,"  
"No... I actually live just a few blocks from here so... it's not out of my way at all," He smiles at me and we stand at my door just looking at each other for a few moments. I could tell he wanted to say something but I get the feeling he's too shy to say anything.

"Ok um... I should probably head home myself..." He says nervously and I offer a small grin.  
"Ok..." I say shyly.  
"Maybe I'll uh... see you again sometime?" Eddie asks hopefully.  
"Yea, yea maybe..." I smile at him nervously. What is happening here? What the hell am I doing?  
"Alright..." He smiles shyly and rubs his bare chin as he turns away from me. I stand at my door and watch him walk down the steps.

"Eddie?" I call to him. What am I doing?  
He turns back and looks up at me with his brow furrowed.

"Thank you..." I say shyly and smile at him.  
"You're welcome..." He says so sweetly and smiles back at me.  
"Good night," I say.  
"Good night," He smiles and turns back to walk down the sidewalk.

I stand for a few minutes outside my door, not sure if I want to go inside but wanting to go inside and hide away from everything. I try to get myself together and unlock my door and head inside. As I close the door I toss my keys onto the table by the door, hang up my jacket and kick off my boots. I stand at the door and look around my apartment.

"What the fuck am I doing? What the serious fuck am I doing?" I say as I feel the tears begin to sting my eyes. I hate myself right now. I wipe my cheeks of the tears that began to stream down my face and I immediately just want to crawl into my bed and stay there forever and never come out. I quickly take off all my clothes not caring that I've strewn them all over the floor, climb into my bed and softly cry myself to sleep.


	34. Applebite

Seattle Washington,   
January 20, 1991

Standing up at the clothing rack, I finish hanging up the last of the new arrivals as I solemnly try to focus on anything than what I feel inside. It had been a few days since I met Eddie and I couldn't stop thinking about why I didn't tell him about Chris. Eddie was so sweet to me, so why couldn't I say anything? I also couldn't stop thinking about why I am ignoring Chris in the first place. I don't deserve him at all. Especially for the way I am treating him. I am so conflicted with myself, I just know I'm going to hurt everyone around me. Why do I even try anymore?

"Andi... could you bring up the last box of shirts downstairs and just hang them up on the band shirt rack for me?" Nancy asks as she slings her bag over her shoulder.

"Sure," I say as she breaks me out of my thoughts and I head down into the basement to grab the box of new band shirts. I head over to where we have all our band shirts and start hanging them up. It doesn't take long before I finish hanging them up, and I notice my shift is finally over.

"Ok... I'm uh outta here," I say as I walk behind the cash counter to grab my bag and my jacket.  
"Alright... I'll see you next week?" Nancy asks.  
"Yep," I say as I sling my bag over my shoulder and head towards the door.  
"Alright... bye Andi," She says   
"Bye," I say and quickly head out the door onto the sidewalk. I wanted to get out of there so bad, I'm just not in the mood today.

I head down the sidewalk and didn't feel like going straight home yet. It was still early in the afternoon and so I thought I would check out some records at the local record store, Easy Street Records, just down the street. It had been a while since I was here, so I wanted to see if there was anything new. I walk over to the Metal section and start flipping through the records smiling at each album cover I flip through. Every time I come in here I instantly feel better, like I can just loose myself and discover what new music I can that will take me away from my pain just for a few moments.

As I continue to flip through the records, I hear the bell chime and more people walk in. I don't even notice that Eddie has walked through the door and slowly walks up behind me.

"Hey, I thought I would see you again at some point.." He says sweetly behind me. I turn and see Eddie, his curls resting just passed his shoulders his blue eyes shining as they look at me.   
"Hi," I smile at him shyly as I just look at him. We stand in silence for a few moments while he looks at me and then looks at the records I was flipping through.   
"Find anything good in there?" He says and I look back at the records.  
"Uh... not yet... I was still just looking..." I say as I smile shyly at him. I flip through the records and land on Black Sabbath-Master of Reality.   
"Sweet they have it here," I say excitedly and he smiles at me.  
"I love this album but... mine is all messed up though..." I say as I turn over the back cover.

"That's awesome... I wonder if they have any Ramones..." Eddie says thoughtfully as he walks around the other side of me to flip through the bin of records.  
"Um... I did see Rocket To Russia in there... which is weird cause I wouldn't consider Ramones metal," I say as I flip back through the pile I was already in.   
"Yea... sometimes they just generalize metal, punk and rock and lump it all into one section," He says as he looks through his side.

"I used to have Rocket To Russia too but I lost it when I moved here..." He says as I flip through the section where I saw it.  
"Here..." I say as I stop at the Ramones.  
"Sweet," He says as he pushes his curls behind his ear and takes it from the bin. He looks at me and smiles and I smile shyly back. I look back in the bin and flip through some more to see if there was anything else I would like and Eddie glances at me every once and a while as he flips through the ones on his side.

I decide to just go with Black Sabbath and so I turn and head towards the counter to pay while I see Eddie glancing at me as I walk away. He ends up grabbing an Aerosmith album as well and follows behind me to pay. I walk out the door and he follows behind me and we both end up on the sidewalk outside the record shop.

"Um... if you're not doing anything... do you want to maybe... grab a drink? hang out or something?" He asks me so shyly. I stood there looking at him not knowing what to say. Is he asking me out on a date? Is this just a friend thing. I had no idea what to say. A part of me wants to because he's so nice and another part of me is pulling me back to Chris.

"Um..." I hesitate as I look away from him and down the street, the cold Seattle air hitting my face.  
"Only if you want to..." Eddie says so sweetly, his curls flowing in the wind.   
"Yea, sure... why not," I grin at him and he smiles.

•••

Chris pulls up into the driveway of Andi's apartment while he was on the way to rehearsal at Kim's, and hops out of his truck. He's been calling but she still hasn't called back and he was worried that maybe something had happened with her or her mother and was frantic. He still has no clue what happened or why she's been shutting him out. When he talked about it with Kim, it seemed like she just needs space but he is starting to doubt it. It was driving him crazy. He walks up to her door and knocks. No answer.

"C'mon baby... whats wrong... why won't you talk to me..." He says quietly to himself. He looks at her door and knocks again but still no response. He then gets an idea. He runs back to his truck and pulls out a pad of paper and pen from the glovebox. While he sits in the driver seat he writes. After he finishes he jumps out of the truck, runs back up to her door and slides the paper under.

He stands there for a few moments, feeling anxious but hoping that she will come back to him. Whatever is happening with her, he will do anything just for her. He flips his curls out of his face and heads back to his truck. He sits in his seat for a few moments looking up at her door, wanting her so bad and hoping she is ok. He shakes his head to rid some thoughts and pulls back out of the driveway.

•••

"Oh my god these fries are good," Eddie says as he takes another from the basket in front of us.   
"I know right? Ever since I randomly stopped in here a few weeks ago I've been addicted to them." I say as I take a bite of a fry and sip my beer. We were back at Murphy's pub because I was hungry and it was close to the record shop we were just at.

Eddie and I were just talking and hanging out and it was amazing. I didn't even think about my darkness for one moment. We finish eating and I glance up at the clock on the wall.  
"Shit... I should get back home... I was supposed to call my mom when I was home from work," I say as I throw my jacket on.  
"Oh shit... ok," Eddie say as he grabs his dark brown jacket off the back of the chair and throws it on.

"Would you like me to take you home?" He asks as he looks up at me while I adjust my jacket.   
"Um... if you want to..." I say not even thinking about it. He leaves a tip for the waitress and we head out the door.

He walks me home and as he does, we continue talking and just laughing the whole time. He was just so easy to talk to and I didn't have to think about everything shitty in my life right now.

As we get to my door, I pull out my keys and stick them in the lock.  
"Thank you...again for walking me home... you really didn't have to though... you just walked me home the other night..." I giggle.  
"It's alright... I was just going to head back home myself anyways," He says as he looks down at himself. He glances back at me and pushes his curls behind his ear and we lock eyes for a few moments.

What are you doing? What the fucking hell are you doing?

Eddie slowly moves closer to me and before I know it, his lips are touching mine. His lips, so soft, slowly move with mine as I let him kiss me. He scent of sweet cologne mixed with his suede jacket tickle my nostrils as he continues to move his lips with mine.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!?

I suddenly open my eyes and pull away from him as I touch my fingers to my lips. Eddie looks at me and sees my expression fall as I close my eyes trying with everything that I can not to let my tears flow in front of him.   
"I'm sorry... I didn't... I mean... I didn't hurt you did I?" He says with his brow furrowed, worried he had done something wrong.

"No... no you didn't," I say shakily as I look at him. He looks at me with those ocean blue eyes and my heart breaks into a million pieces at my feet. I look down at myself while he looks at me. I look back up at him and offer a smile, hiding my pain inside.   
"See you later?" He asks so sweetly and I just nod at him. He smiles back at me and then turns to walk down the steps. I stand in front of my door watching him disappear and as soon as he is out of sight, I quickly unlock my door and step inside. I lean against my door and slide myself down to the floor on the verge of crying but I hold it back

I hate myself. I hate myself for doing this, I hate myself for hurting Chris and I hate myself for leading Eddie on and not telling him about Chris. I am so messed up I have no idea what to do.

I put my face in my hands, too ashamed of myself to even think straight. I glance down at the floor for a second and see a piece of paper that was folded up and laying on the mat. I pick up the piece of paper and open it to see a note.

My Love, My Light  
I am here...  
I will wait...  
-Chris


	35. Without you, I'm Nothing

Seattle Washington,   
February 5, 1991

"Andi... are you in tomorrow?" Nancy asks as she cashes out the register.  
"No... but I'm in on Wednesday," I say as I hang the last shirt up on the rack. It was a really slow night. Not a single person came in the store my whole shift.

"Alright... well I was wondering if maybe you would want to take the day off on Wednesday as well?" She says as she pulls the cash out of the drawer and begins counting. I look up at her a little worried. She normally wants me to pick up shifts, this is different.

"Um...ok... sure..." I say confused.  
"Andi.... I'm not firing you... it's just we've been really slow the last little bit and even counting this out, we didn't even make 1 thousand for the night..." She says as she looks at me and tries to reassure me that everything is fine.

"Um... ok yea that's cool... I get it," I say disappointingly as I walk to the back of the register to grab my leather jacket.  
"Andi... trust me, it's only Wednesday...I know you're back in on Monday next week and I'm not cutting that shift so don't worry..."Nancy says as she continues to count out the cash.

"Ok...I'll see you Monday," I say sadly as I walk around the counter. I can feel her looking at me feeling bad but I could really care less at this point. I didn't even want to come in tonight so it doesn't really matter.

"Andi...hey," She says concerned and I turn to face her.

"Monday?" She reassures me.  
"Monday," I say and turn to head out the door.

I walk outside and it starts to rain. I completely forgot to bring anything with me to shield myself from the water and I didn't even have enough change for the bus so I lifted my jacket over my head as best I could to help but it was no use. Within 2 blocks I was soaked.

"Fuck this day.... fucking fuck!" I exclaim to myself as I continue my way down the sidewalk. Ever since Eddie kissed me, I can't stop thinking about it. The while situation is just messed up. I've messed it up. Everything that I'm feeling is just all my fault. I'm ruining everything I ever wanted all because I have no idea how to face the fact that my mom is dying and there's nothing I can do to stop it. 

As I get up to the next block, a car speeds by causing a wave of water to completely cover me even more and I scream out in frustration and start to cry. At least the rain is able to hide the tears streaming down my face. I let down my jacket as there really is no point, I was soaked to the bone and just wanted to get home, dry myself off and cry in my bed.

I cross my arms in front of my chest and continue on up the sidewalk when I see a pickup truck heading down the street towards me. I move out of the way so that I don't get splashed again, and the truck pulls up to the curb beside me.

"Andi...!"   
I look at the driver and it's Chris. My heart almost fell out of me on to the wet ground. He jumps out of the truck and walks around the front to get to me. He looked so beautiful walking up to me with his piercing blue eyes and his perfectly trimmed beard. He was instantly soaked from the pouring rain.

" Chris...- ?" I say as he steps closer, and all I wanted to do was fall into his arms.   
"Tell me what I did..."  
"What?" I say loudly over the sound of the rain.   
"What did I do for you to shut me out the way you did?" He says frustrated looking at me almost angered. His eyes so intense and full of confusion and frustration from what I caused is hard for me to bare. I stand in front of him and I have no idea what to say. I don't know how to tell him that I hate the way I feel. I don't know how to say that I can't feel anything, that I'm just completely numb, and there is no way I'm telling him about Eddie.

"Chris -"  
"Look, I know you're hurting and I know the darkness you feel inside... I've felt that same way but I wanted you with me while I went through that... why are you pushing me away? I fucking miss you... I want to be there for you like you were there for me when Andy died," He looks at me with his intense blue eyes, his form taking on a serious tone, he fights for me and I just keep pushing him away.

"You didn't do anything... I'm just... I'm..." I trail off as the sound of the rain drowns out my voice.  
"You what?" Chris asks confused.  
"I'm fucked up... I'm just fucking fucked up ok? I don't have any fucking clue how to feel or what to feel or what to do anymore..." I say loudly.   
"Baby... I'm fucked up too... we're all fucked up... but you're not alone... I fucking love you and I want you... I know I can't make it better but I can help you get through it if you just let me back in..." He says, his brow furrowed as the rain runs down over his perfect face, down his chin to his beard, and down to his bare chest through his now soaked army green button up shirt that he left open. He never buttons up his shirts.

I look up at him and I couldn't help myself. He is the light at the end of this long dark tunnel and It took me this long to realize it. I uncross my arms and grab his face in my hands and crash my lips to his, sucking his beautiful bottom lip that I missed so much. With the sound of the pouring rain pounding down on the concrete all around us, He places his hands on my hips and pulls me into him. Our lips move together as one as I thread my fingers through his soaking wet hair. After a few moments he pulls away from me and touches his forehead to mine.

"You are my everything and I'm nothing without you..." Chris says as he looks at me under his brow and I close my eyes, playing with his soaked curls, his forehead still touching mine.  
"Chris..." I whisper as he holds me in his arms, the only arms I want to be in for the rest of my life. He presses his lips to mine again and I slowly but eagerly suck his bottom lip, moving my fingers to his chin and playing with his beard as he devours my mouth hungrily.

"Come on... let's get you out of the rain..." He says, pulling away from my lips and touching his forehead back to mine again. He then takes my hand and walks me around to the passenger side of his truck and helps me in. He then moves around to his side and hops in and then quickly pulls away from the curb.

•••

We arrive at his apartment and pull up into the driveway. The rain was still pouring down and so I quickly hop out of the truck as he comes around to the passenger side and leads me up to his door, unlocks it and I follow him inside.

"Here... let me take your jacket," He says as he helps me take it off. It was completely soaked through and was clinging to me as I tried to pull it off. He hangs it up for me, takes his jacket off as well and then heads over to the little closet beside the washroom and pulls out a towel. He turns back towards me as I was already peeling my favourite Type O Negative shirt that I practically always wear. He smirks shyly as I lift it up over my head, revealing my black lacy bra to him, and try to hang it up next to my jacket.

"Wait... here let me... um..." He says a little nervously as he wraps me in the towel, though I'm not sure why. It's not like he's never seen me before but it was extremely cute nonetheless.

"Of course It would rain when I'm trying to walk home from work," I shiver as he rubs my arms and my back to try to warm me up. He draws me in a little closer and continues to try to warm me up and just as I look up at him he leans down and presses his lips to mine once again. My lips quiver against his as I shiver from the cold but soon enough the shivers are no longer from the rain.

His lips slowly but gently move with mine and I instinctively move my hands inside his open army green button up shirt feeling each toned muscle of his abs, moving up to his chest, and pushing his shirt off his shoulders as he tosses the wet shirt on to the floor never breaking his lips from mine. My towel falls off my shoulders as I wrap my arms around his neck, His fingers trailing to the clasp of my bra and slowly peeling it off of me, freeing my breasts as he tosses it on to the floor. His lips move with mine as his tongue flicks at my top lip begging for entry as I open my mouth devouring his mouth with mine.

He picks me up and I wrap my legs around his waist carrying me to his bedroom. I squeal against his lips, though never breaking apart for one second. He sets me down on his bed, as his lips break away from mine, I look up at him, move my hands to his leather belt and unbuckle the latch never breaking my eyes away from his. He closes his eyes and bites his bottom lip as I unzip his jeans and pull them down revealing his clothed erection under his boxer shorts.

"You have no idea how much I missed this..." He breathes to me as I place soft kisses just below his belly button and teasingly pulling his boxers down over his hips.

With my lips against his skin as I let his boxers fall to his feet and softly caress his swollen member in my palm and place fleeting kisses down his length. He lets out a deep moan from within as I reach the tip of him and gently suck, hitting each and every one of his sensitive spots. I glance up at him as I trail my tongue along the length of him and feel that familiar twinge deep inside my core as our eyes meet.

"You drive me... crazy... you know that?" He breathes in between my licks and throws his head back, thrusting his hips forward a little in response to the sensation I am giving him.

Just as I move back to the tip of him, he cups my face in his palms and moves me away from him to look into my eyes.   
"Why did you stop me...?" I ask innocently. He kneels down in between my legs, never taking his eyes off mine and moves his hands up my thighs to the edge of my black mini skirt.

"Shhhh..." He hushes me, touching his finger to his lips before his hands move up under my skirt. His fingers skip over my skin, feeling the tiny goosebumps he's giving me. With his eyes never breaking away from mine, he slips his fingers inside my lacy black panties, caressing every inch of my core. My breath hitches for a moment and he watches my eyes flutter shut as he strokes so softly.

The feeling is overwhelming. I had missed his touch so much, the way he knows exactly how to play with me, caress me, and stroke me makes me want to free fall from the tallest mountain and never have this feeling go away.

I try to keep myself upright but instead I collapse back on the bed, raising my arms above my head and letting myself succumb to his will. He carefully pulls down my panties and tosses them aside, opens my legs wider and lifts my skirt to continue his playing.

"Chris..." I whimper as I feel his lips make contact, his tongue circling and flicking, his fingers softly stroking and teasing my crease, instantly raising my temperature. I start to move my hips a little responding to him as he softly but firmly begins to suck causing waves and ripples of pleasure and immense heat wash over me.

I completely loose all self control as I am lost in the overwhelming feeling of falling. I grip the blankets of his bed above me, biting my bottom lip to try to stop myself from crying out, but it's no use. I move my hips, moaning and whimpering letting him know just how he makes me feel.

"Oh god..." I pant.  
"Let it go..." He purrs in between his licks. The sound of his voice sends me over the edge and I feel my muscles contract deep inside me. I cry as the release of my orgasm is so incredibly intense, I want him to stop and I want him to never stop, never ending this unbelievable state of pure bliss.

He moves away from me leaving me a moaning mess gripping his blankets, trying to control myself and calm myself down. I flutter my eyes open as I quickly remove my skirt, toss it aside as he moves over top of me.

I wrap my legs around his waist letting him know I don't want to waist any more time. I move my hands to his sides holding him as he guides himself into me.

The first thrust sends waves of shivers all over my body. It had been so long since I felt this feeling I could feel myself growing wetter by the moment. His wet curls surround him, cloaking us in a dark curtain and I reach up and lace my fingers through, brushing aside so that I am able to see his beautiful blue eyes in a sea of darkness.

I move my hips responding to his rhythm as he picks up the pace, softly grunting and moaning as I grip him in a way only I can do. He collapses down on to me, never breaking rhythm, his lips grazing across my collarbone, his breath hot as he softly but playfully bites. 

"Baby..." He moans as I feel my muscles contract around him once again as he becomes more tense, bucking his hips, moaning and us both crying out as he releases his warm liquid inside me.

We remain in our embrace for a little while, his lips softly grazing, and teasing my skin while I play with his curls. He lifts his head to look up at me, cupping each side of my face in his palms, gently brushing my curls out of my eyes.

"You are the most beautiful thing in the world to me... you are my love, my light, and my soul...I love you to the stars and back again..." He says, looking into my eyes, not letting me turn away.  
"I'll love you for ever and ever..." I say looking into his eyes as he softly smiles at me and presses his lips to mine, deepening the kiss as I suck his bottom lip. He pulls away and rolls on to his side, drawing me into him as I snuggle into his bare chest, playing with the ring of his necklace.


	36. Cherry Burst

Seattle Washington,   
February 6, 1991

The next morning I wake up to the overcast daylight pouring through the window. As I slowly open my eyes, I can feel Chris behind me, his face half buried in the pillow and his arm draped over me, breathing slow and deep, lost in a dream. I slowly move his arm off me and he stirs a little groaning as he sleeps. I quietly and carefully get out of bed and turn to look at him, his hair strewn across his face as he moves his arm to the spot where I was just laying.

I quietly walk out of the room, grabbing his blue plaid button up shirt off of his chair to throw it on, buttoning a few buttons and heading into the bathroom. A few moments later I come back out of the washroom and throw my hair up as I walk back into the bedroom. Chris still remained in the same position as when I left, his face still buried in the pillow, his hair still strewn across his face. I glance over his room and see that he still keeps all of his guitars with him in here along with the Marshall stack in the corner. He has his room set up exactly the same way as in the old apartment with Andy. Some things never change.

As he softly sleeps, I quietly walk over to his cherry burst Gibson Les Paul, the one that is my favourite of them all, and sit down crosslegged on the floor in front of it. I reach up and trace my finger over the edges, admiring every curve of it, feeling it's smooth surface and tracing along the 'Soundgarden' decal he had placed on the body.

A part of me wishes I had never stopped playing. I mean, I wasn't really good, but for a 7 year old it was the most amazing sound I've ever made with anything.

"Hi.." Chris says groggily from the bed.   
"Hey," I say quietly still tracing my finger along the bottom of his guitar. He smiles and sits up in bed, flipping his curls out of his face.  
"What are you doing over there...?" He says softly with a bit of a yawn and I shrug.

"Checkin' out the goods?" He smirks.  
"So to speak," I say as I look at him.   
"You wanna play it?" He asks me which kinda shocked me for a second.  
"What...? no...?" I smirk nervously as he giggles at me.   
"You can if you want to," He smiles at me. I can't tell if he's serious or not.

"Are you making fun of me...?" I ask skeptically raising my eyebrow at him.  
"No, I'm just saying you can play it if you want to, you just seem to love that one a lot," He giggles as he climbs out of bed, pulls up a pair of long black underwear and walks over to me.

"I can't help it... it's just so... sexy," I say as I look back at the cherry burst Gibson and he sits down in front of me.   
"Sexy...? huh... I've never had anyone refer to my guitar as sexy before," Chris says as he takes it off of the stand, lays it across his lap, and looks at his hands while he plucks the strings a little. I look at him as I put my hands in my lap while he continues to play just some random tune. He stops and then looks at me under his brow.

"Do you want to play it?" He asks looking at me but this time I could tell he was seriously asking me.   
"No... I don't know how...I don't even remember the last time I tried to play..." I say shyly.  
"You don't have to know how... just play..." He says as he offers it to me. I look down at the beautiful guitar that he held and suddenly felt extremely shy. I quickly shake my head 'no' and he smirks at me.  
"Ok..." He says and sets it back up on the stand. He leans into me and places a kiss on my forehead, then stands up to walk out of the room and I hear him close the bathroom door.

I sit quietly for a few moments staring up at the guitar, admiring it's fiery red rim with the burst of golden amber in the middle and how it shone in the grey light coming through the window. I take in a deep breath and pick the guitar up carefully off the stand and lay it across my lap.

It was like an old familiar memory I had long forgotten suddenly rushing up and flashing before me. I place my hand on the neck, and strum ever so softly, not making any chords or anything but just letting my fingers stroke the strings. I close my eyes and just softly strum, not even noticing Chris quietly walking up behind me. He quietly sits down behind me places his hand on the neck of the guitar and plays some chords while I still strum. I feel him rest his chin on my shoulder while his fingers change position, though I keep my eyes closed just listening to the sound.

Chris then presses his lips softly to my ear and trails slowly down my neck, sending shockwaves of pleasure all over my body. He continues to play while I strum though I slowly begin to loose rhythm as his lips move to my shoulder and then back to my ear while he softly nibbles at my earlobe.

He places his right hand on my hip and slowly moves in front under the shirt that I am wearing and gently strokes my clit. I suddenly fumble with my strumming as he gently plays with me, his fingers slowly stroking to the rhythm of me and I begin to loose myself in the feeling of his touch. I moan ever so softly as he continues to stroke me, suddenly taking the guitar out of my lap and setting it aside on the floor beside us.

I reach up and lace my fingers through his hair while his lips trail down my neck and his hand moves up under my shirt and cups my breast, gently playing with my nipple all the while continuing to stroke my clit.

"You are so amazing baby... in every single way..." He says low and deep in my ear as I whimper against his touch.  
"Chris... don't stop..." I start to pant as my internal heat begins to rise and I feel my whole body shake from his touch. I lean into him throwing my head back to rest on his shoulder as my muscles begin to contract, whimpering and moaning with his varying stroking patterns that take my breath away.

"That's it baby... just let it go," He purrs in my ear and I can't hold back anymore. I cry out as he continues to whisper sweet nothings in my ear, releasing everything inside me.

"Oh my god Chris...." I pant as he lets out a sly laugh low and deep in my ear. I turn and look at him and press my lips hard to his devouring his mouth with mine in a kiss so intense I could not contain it. I gracefully turn to face him, my lips never breaking apart from his as I anxiously tug at his underwear and pull them down over his hips. I move myself to straddle him, my arms resting on his shoulders his hands moving up my thighs, and to my hips.

"I love you... I love everything about you... I love the way you make me feel inside... you are my everything..." I breathe as I look deep into his blue eyes that are locked to mine. I have no idea what came over me. It's like I am a completely different person when I am with him. One who isn't afraid and filled with darkness, numbness and pain. He makes me feel like I can do anything, and no other will ever compare to him.

He moves his hands up to my shirt and slowly unbuttons, pressing his lips to my bare skin with each button he unfastens. I arch my back as he moves his hands inside my shirt grazing his lips over my breast, to my nipple and softly flicking with his tongue. I moan as I arch my back to him, wanting him inside me.

I lower myself a little as his hand moves to my hip and I slowly guide myself on top of him. He moves his lips away from my nipple and lets out a soft moan while I slowly move my hips, adjusting to his size. I arch my back and close my eyes, biting my lower lip to concentrate on him inside me.

"Baby... you feel... so good.." He breathes in between my movements. He holds my hips then moves his hands up my sides, to my ribs while I begin to grind my hips against him. He glances over my body, watching me as I loose myself, relishing in the length of him inside me.

"You're so beautiful..." He whimpers, his breathing picking up the pace as he starts to thrust to match my movements. I squeal a little at his first thrust which sends me forward a little and I catch myself, wrapping my arms around his neck. He laughs soft and low while he holds my hips guiding me with his rhythm, his lips crashing to my neck, his beard prickling and tickling me.

Suddenly once again, I feel like I'm free falling from the largest mountain, the adrenaline rushing to my brain and I feel myself grip him in a way that only he knows I can. He moans with his lips against my neck I feel him become tense.

"I'm so fucking close... ," He pants as I move to touch my forehead to his. I open my eyes to lock them on his while I watch his look of pure intense pleasure wash over him as he cries out, spilling his warm liquid inside me. I cry out with him, feeling my muscles contracting as he rides out his high with me.

We stay that way for a few moments, my forehead still touching his, while we try to catch our breath.

"So... if that was my first guitar lesson... I want you to teach me all the time," I smirk and he begins to laugh.   
"Trust me... I wouldn't want any other student other than you..." He laughs.


	37. The Notebook

Seattle Washington,   
February 6, 1991 

Chris presses his lips to mine once again, feeling his soft lips move with mine while he holds me to him. His hands trail from my hips up to my back under my shirt while I suck his beautiful bottom lip. He sighs against my lips flicking his tongue at my top lip when suddenly the phone rings. His lips stop moving with mine for a moment, as we open our eyes and the phone rings again.

"Weird... I wonder who the fuck that could be..." He says when he pulls his lips away from mine. I shrug and the phone keeps ringing. He taps my thigh to signal for me to move and I gracefully move off of him and close up my blue plaid shirt of his while he gets up off the floor and pulls up his underwear. I watch his tall frame walk out of the room as he flips his beautiful curls out of his face.

While I hear his voice low and deep coming from the living room I turn my attention back to his guitar that lay on the floor beside where we were. I smile to myself as I reach out and trace my finger along its curves again. I can't fucking help it. That is one sexy guitar.

I then get myself up off the floor, pick up the guitar and set it back on its stand. I then continue to look around his room and notice a black book open on his side table. As I walk over to the side table I realize it's his song book. For some reason I was so curious as to what he's written in there I look back to the door to check if he could see from here. I still hear his voice muffled a little by the living room and I turn and as discreetly as I can, take the book off the table, climb up on the bed, sit crosslegged and start flipping through the pages.

There were so many song ideas and lyrics, it was a beautiful thing to see inside the book. Some were pages of complete songs, others were just random scribbles and little drawings that he would do if he was stuck. I glance up at the door and see that he was still out in the living room on the phone and then I turn my attention back to the book.

I flip the page and I come across the song 'All Night Thing' that he wrote when we met and I see a picture of him and I, taped to the page. The picture was of the night in Brooklyn, backstage. It looked like it was Matt who took the picture. It was of Chris and I on the couch, Chris leaning into me looking like he's whispering something in my ear and I just have this goofy laugh on my face. I don't even remember this being taken. It was the night we found out Andy was in the hospital. I flip the page over and see 'Island Of Summer' written on the other side, the last song he wrote with Andy before...

I suddenly started to remember that night and I almost felt weird looking in his book now.   
I look up and see Chris coming back in from the living room and I quickly close the book and slid it under me.  
"What was that?" He asks me with his eyebrow raised.  
"What was what?" I ask startled.  
"Whatever you slid under yourself... what was that?" He laughs and glances over at the side table to see his book was gone. He looks back at me and raises his eyebrow.

"You have my book don't you?" He says and I can't tell if he's mad at me or embarrassed or what.  
"Um...no?" I say innocently feeling like I've been caught. I shouldn't have looked.   
"Andi..." He looks at me. I look down and slowly pull the book out from under me and set it in front of me.

"I'm sorry..." I say.  
"It's ok..." He says and walks over to pick up the book and sets it inside the table drawer. He stands there for a moment and I look up at him, and I still can't tell if he's mad or not.

"No... wait... here," He says and takes the book back out of the drawer and then climbs up on the bed with me to sit in front of me with the book between us.

"Go ahead..." He says as he looks at me and flips his curls out of his face while I look at him confused.

"You can look through... I have nothing to hide... most of it was when Andy was alive anyways... and why not reminisce a little bit..." Chris says as he looks at the book and gives me a grin.

I open the book back up and he moves beside me showing me each note, lyric and song he ever wrote from before him and I were together and when we started, right up until Andy died.   
I look over at him while he looks at the pages and I feel so ridiculously stupid about pushing him away for all that time.

"I'm sorry..." I say to him and he looks at me.  
"For what?" He asks. I close my eyes for a second to fight the tears that are stinging my eyes.   
"For pushing you away and..." I say shakily as I look down at myself. I have to tell him, I have to tell him about Eddie, but I can't.

"Baby... shhhh...it's ok..." He says as he cups my face and turns me to look at him. A tear escapes and runs down my cheek and he wipes it away with his thumb.

"Hey... I love you... I love you more than anything... I'm not going anywhere..." Chris says and I touch my forehead to his. If he only knew.


	38. The Moore Theatre

Seattle Washington,   
March 23, 1991

Soundgarden was performing at The Moore Theatre to try out some of the new material they were recording for their new album. It had been a little while since they were in front of a crowd and it was driving Chris a little crazy. He needed to get out there and perform.

I had just thrown on my Pantera shirt that I had cut and styled with my black distressed mini skirt my silver studded wrist cuff and my Doc Martens, when the phone started to ring.

"Shit," I say and debated on if I should answer it or not as I was already late to meet Chris.  
"Fuck it... I'll just let the machine get it," I say to myself and head out the door.

•••

I arrive at The Moore Theatre and head inside the doors. After talking to the guy at the door, he directs me to the side door that leads down into the basement area where the dressing rooms are. I walk down the stairs, head towards the dressing room and I see basically everyone down here. There was Mike, Stone and Jeff talking with Kim and Matt. I also see Jerry Cantrell and Layne Staley from Alice In Chains of in one corner talking to Ben.

As I look around, I see Chris and Eddie talking in another corner while they sip their beers. A part of me starts to panic. I didn't know Eddie was going to be here.

Chris, with his dark beautiful curls flowing passed his shoulders, turns and sees me. He looked amazing with his black 90 T-Shirt, his red plaid shorts and his long black underwear underneath with his Doc Martens of course. His blue eyes gleamed at me as he smiled in my direction.

"Hi," He says as I walk over to him, trying to contain my awkwardness.   
"Hi," I say to him as I see Eddie look at me. Chris leans down and places a quick kiss on my lips and then I look back at Eddie. Dear fucking god this is awkward.

"Oh yea... I guess you two haven't met yet," Chris says.  
"Uh...," I trail off not sure what to say.  
"No.. no, we haven't yet," Eddie says shyly and I suddenly feel a stabbing pain shoot right through my chest.  
"Well... This is Andi... the reason I breathe..." Chris smiles, obviously the beer has hit him a little bit.

"Andi this is Eddie..." He says so cutely and Eddie offers a smile at me though I could tell this was extremely awkward for him as it was for me.   
"Hi," Eddie says.  
"Hi," I say so shyly trying not to freak out inside. I can't believe this is happening. I'm fucked.

•••

The whole time I was with Chris and Eddie having small conversations, obviously talking about anything that came to mind, I began to relax a little. Eddie seemed to carry on with the awkwardness eventually dying away or if he still felt awkward, he sure did a really good job at hiding it. Eventually Stone and Jeff came over and joined in the conversation which took the pressure off substantially. I'm just glad that Chris hasn't caught on to anything and maybe we can just forget about the whole thing.

It was time for Soundgarden to take the stage and so Chris lead me up the back entrance to the stage area as everyone else also remained back stage drinking and laughing. All I wanted to do was watch Chris in his element. He was so mesmerizing, just purely magical. The way his voice soared, the energy he brought, the feeling, he was enchanting.

As I watch Chris from the side, hypnotized by his every move, Eddie comes up and stands beside me.   
"Hey..." He says as he leans in to me so that I can hear him. I turn and look at him to see him watching as well.  
"Hi...," I say a little nervously. He stands with me for a few more moments while I turn my attention back to Chris.

"You should've told me," Eddie says as he sips his beer. I turn and look at him, he blue eyes catching mine. I didn't know what to say. What could I say? He's right, I should've said something.  
"I know," I say and I turn back to watch Chris. He continues to look at me and I turn and look at him again. His curls falling in his face and he reaches up and pushes them behind his ear. His blue eyes stay locked on mine and I suddenly feel a strange feeling inside.

"If you're worried I'll say something... don't be...," He re-assures me as he looks into my eyes. We look at each other for a few moments and then he looks away from me.

"So... we're ok then?" I ask and he turns back to look into my eyes again.   
"Yea, we're ok..." He says softly as we lock eyes again for a few moments.   
"I'm sorry Eddie..." I say after a few minutes of silence between us, though Chris's voice soared through the theatre.   
"It's ok..." He says sweetly.

He then leans into me and places a kiss on my temple. I close my eyes and I could smell his sweet cologne as he leaned into me. He gently pulls away and walks over to Stone and Jeff while he sips his beer. I glance at him for a moment, and I cant shake this strange feeling. I'm so confused. I then turn my attention back to Chris while Chris engages the audience in a rendition of 'Big Dumb Sex'.

•••

As soon as Soundgarden finishes their set, Chris is the first to head off stage, leaving his cherry burst Gibson Les Paul leaning against one of the amps, continuing the feedback noise while Kim plays around with his making feedback sing with Chris's.

Chris walks towards me, presses his lips to mine and then takes my hand to lead me back down the stairs to the dressing room. While he holds my hand, I place my hand on his bicep and lean into him placing a kiss on his bare shoulder. He was completely sweaty but I didn't care. I just wanted him and only him.

We get to the dressing room and we were obviously the first ones in there. He closes the door, then immediately grabs my face in his palms and presses his lips to mine hungrily and passionately. It startled me at first but as his tongue flicks at my top lip, I instantly melt responding to him. I suck his bottom lip while his hands move to my hips and he pulls me into him pressing himself against me.

"Chris..." I moan as he moves his lips down to my throat.   
"I need you..." He breathes.   
"But we're gonna get caught..." I say nervously.  
"I don't give a fuck... I need you baby..." He growls. I have no idea what came over him but I wasn't going to protest. He picks me up and I wrap my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck to steady myself. He carries me over to the counter beside the little mini bar fridge, sets me down and eagerly lifts up my skirt and discovers I'm not wearing any panties.

I have never seen him like this before. He's so aggressive and eager. He crashes his lips to mine and devours my mouth in his. I cup his face in my hands as I moan against his lips while he quickly rips down his shorts just enough.

"Chris..." I whimper against his lips as his fingers find my clit and he begins to stroke softly but firmly.  
"Shhhh..." He hushes me against my lips and as soon as he feels my warm wetness, he pushes his length inside me, sending chills all up and down my spine.   
"Chris..." I whimper again.  
"Shhhhh... baby... just breathe..." He says with his voice low and husky in my ear as he continues with his rhythm, feeling me becoming adjusted to his size.

He places soft fleeting kisses down my neck while he grips my hips tightly with each thrust.   
I move my hands down over his toned chest, feeling every muscle flex beneath my touch as he begins to pick up the pace.  
"Fuck... you feel so good inside me," I attempt to whisper in his ear as I started to feel my muscles contract, I grip him and hear him groan in my ear.   
"Cum with me baby," He whispers in my ear and like a switch, I feel myself falling as I bite my lip to stifle my cry of pure intense bliss. He moans ever so softly in my ear as I feel his warm liquid disperse inside me and slowly begins to relax. We stay that way for just a few moments, breathing heavy, then I feel him quickly pull away from me and pull up his shorts as I quickly pull down my skirt and adjust it properly.   
"Fuck! This belt...," He says frustratedly as he fumbles with the buckle.  
"Here... let me," I say and just as I reach for his belt buckle, the door opens and Kim walks through first.

"Well I guess the party already started...?" Kim smirks and Chris looks at him and smirks awkwardly. I look over at Kim and smirk as Chris moves my hands away from his belt and eventually is able to buckle it back up. Chris looks at me, his lips flushed, with his expression slightly embarrassed, he flips his curls out of his face and places a kiss on my lips as everyone else piles into the dressing room.

"I love you," He says against my lips.  
"I love you," I say with his lips still against mine and I start to giggle.  
"What...?" He laughs a little as he pulls away.   
"Nothing..." I say and he helps me down off the counter.   
"Chris!? Beer?" Jeff Yells from across the room.  
" What? you want me to get you one?" Chris calls back to him.  
"Well yea you're standing right there," Jeff says and Chris smirks at him while he opens the mini fridge door and grabs a beer. Chris looks at me and offers me one too and I take it out of his hands. He takes my hand as we walk over to Jeff, who was talking with Eddie and hands him his beer. As we all just hang out and talk for a while, Jeff hands Chris a smoke and he takes a drag, exhales then leans into me and places a kiss on my temple.

"You think anyone knows?" I whisper in his ear.  
"I think Kim might have figured it out but I don't think anyone else knows..." Chris whispers back to me and turns away to take a drag of his smoke. He looks back at me and then presses his lips to mine once again. As he pulls his lips away from mine to take another drag. I'm so glad that this whole thing between Eddie and I can be dissolved. I love Chris more than anything in this world and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize that.


	39. Overfloater

Seattle Washington,   
March 23, 1991

Hours later after the show, Chris wanted me to stay the night at his place so I wanted to head home quickly to grab some clothes. We both had tomorrow free to do whatever we wanted which was amazing. I honestly planned on just staying in his bed all day and shutting out the world.

"I'll just be a couple of minutes," I say as I unlock my door and run inside heading straight to the bedroom. Chris follows in, closing the door behind him while I try to find my overnight bag.   
"Do you mind if I grab a drink babe?" He calls to me as he steps into the kitchen.  
"No, go ahead," I call from the bedroom as I grab my Type O Negative Shirt, a pair of ripped black leggings, a bra and some panties.

Chris opens up the fridge and just grabs a bottle of water. As he turns to lean against the counter to take a drink, he notices the red light on my phone is blinking.   
"Hey babe... I think you have a message here..." Chris calls to me from the kitchen.   
"Uh, ok... just play it, I can hear it from here," I call from the bedroom.

Chris steps towards the answering machine and presses the button.

"Hello Andrea... it's you're auntie Ann calling,  
I'm just calling to tell you your mother is in the hospital again, she's in emergency...-

I slowly walk from the living room and into the kitchen listening to the message while Chris turns to look at me.

"I don't want to say this over the phone but,  
I don't know when you'll get this message.  
She doesn't have long honey... This is pretty much it... so if you can,   
call me when you get this and we can figure out how to get you here... alrighty...  
talk at you later,"

The tape stops with a click and I am frozen to the door frame. Chris looks over at me and I just stare at the machine. I look up at Chris with a blank look not knowing how to feel. He walks over to me and takes me in his arms while I feel completely numb. I say nothing while he just holds me and I bury my face in his chest.   
"I'm here... I'm right here," He says as I fight the urge to fall apart in his arms.

March 24, 1991

Chris stayed with me that night even though I told him I was ok to go to his place with him. He insisted that he stay with me just in case I get a call in the middle of the night. It was hard to sleep. The whole time I laid in bed I just stared up at the ceiling while Chris laid beside me. I could hear him doze off every once and a while but he would quickly wake up and see me laying there still wide awake.

Early in the morning, Chris booked us a flight and I called my aunt to tell her I was on my way and that I would call her once we landed. Then I called my work and just left a message for Nancy. I figured if she was worried, she could call me back but I have a feeling that she will understand.

We got a flight for the next one available which would put us in Toronto by 11 30am. After I packed a few more things for what I would need, we head to Chris' for him to pack a few things and then we headed straight for the airport.

Just like last time, the flight felt like it took forever. Since I didn't sleep at all when I was in bed, I tried to sleep on the plane but it didn't really help. Every time I would fall asleep, I would have these horrible dreams and then I'd wake up startled. Chris held my hand the whole time, even as he dozed off every once and a while he still laced his fingers through mine.

We soon arrive at Pearson airport and I call my aunt from the terminal while Chris heads to the car rental place so we can get to Peterborough. I tell her we should be at the hospital by 12:30pm and she said she would meet us there. It was still early spring so the weather was still cold but not like minus 20 degrees like it is in the middle of winter. I was able to just get away with wearing my Pantera Hoodie and a pair if ripped jeans. Chris on the other hand wore his usual black shorts, with black long underwear underneath, his black 90 T-Shirt, his leather jacket and his Doc Martens. He was prepared this time.

This time I brought music and so as we drove to Peterborough I put in Type O Negative's Bloody Kisses album and Chris turns it up loud. The whole drive to Peterborough, I sang along with the album, not caring if I could actually sing or not. I'm not completely terrible but I'm no Mariah Carey. 

Chris looks over at me every once and a while and sees me grooving to 'Black No. 1' and smiles at me. Then as Soon as 'Kill All The White People' start, I try my best Peter Steele scream but I'm horrible and Chris just laughs at me. It was nice just to loose myself in another world even if it's just for a few moments. I eventually stop and Chris takes my hand, laces his fingers through mine, and places a kiss on the back of my hand and slowly moves his lips up my wrist. His lips, so soft and warm, comfort me while I feel his beard tickle me at the same time.

We arrive in Peterborough and head straight to the hospital. As I guide Chris along the way I start to get this really weird feeling, almost like a heavy weight is sitting on my chest that I can't get off me. We get to the hospital and walk up to the emergency area while Chris holds my hand the whole way. I walk up to one of the nurses and they guide me where to go.

I squeeze Chris' hand as I follow the little directional arrows that lead into a larger area where I see a bunch of people laying on beds in the hallway. I really feel uneasy as I find my mom, laying on a bed in the hallway looking like she's sleeping.   
"What the hell? why doesn't she have a room?" Chris asks almost angered.  
"I.. I don't know... um... let me see if my Aunt's here," I say shakily and I walk around the corner, with Chris following me, into the waiting room and I find my aunt sitting on a chair.   
"Hey," I say  
"Andrea... oh good you're here," Ann says as she stands up from the chair and walks over to me. She gives me a big hug and I swear I didn't want to let go.   
"Hi Chris," She smiles and Chris smiles and nods back at her.

"You just get here?" She asks.  
"Yea... but why doesn't mom have a room? Why do they have her in the hallway?" I ask holding back my frustration.   
"There wasn't any beds available in Palliative so they have to keep her here until one comes available but honestly..." She trails off and I can tell she doesn't want to say it.

"Come sit," She says and we sit down across from her on one of the couches, Chris taking my hand in his, lacing his fingers through mine.  
"What happened?" I ask.  
"Well... she was having trouble walking again but only because she is extremely weak... she had a blood transfusion done just a few days ago to help her but that's obviously not working anymore... so she called me yesterday debating on whether to come here or not... so I asked her 'how bad do you feel?' and she said she felt really really bad. So I said to call an ambulance for her to get here... she was in a lot of pain last night so they gave her some morphine to help her sleep..."

As she explains, my mind starts to race and my heart starts to pound.

"So, I'm just waiting on the nurse to come and get us..." She says.  
"Why would the nurse get us?" I ask, still so confused and scared.   
"To tell us when it's time..." She says softly but matter-of-factly. I look at Chris with a confused and worried look and he just presses his lips to my forehead while he squeezes my hand.

Suddenly the nurse comes in the waiting room and tells us its time. I felt the floor drop out from under me as I stood up from the chair. It seems like a blur, almost like I'm floating above myself as I follow the nurse with Chris following behind me holding my hand. We walk up to a little area she was in that they had blocked off with curtains and I was terrified to go in to see her.  
"Don't leave me," I say shakily and squeeze Chris' hand again.  
"I'm right here baby," Chris says.


	40. The Power Of Goodbye

Peterborough Ontario, Canada   
March 24, 1991

As I walk in through the curtains that surrounded the room, I see my mother laying on the bed and breathing really erratically. As if she can't catch her breath. Her eyes were open but she wasn't able to speak. She looked so different, so frail and off colour.

As soon as I saw her I couldn't contain the horrible pain in my chest. My heart was breaking and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Tears began to stream down my face and I found it hard to breathe. One of the nurses came over and brought a chair for me to sit down beside my mom. Chris helped me into the chair as I found it really hard to stand at this point.

I shakily reached for my mothers hand and held it and I could feel her trying to squeeze my hand. All I did was cry. I couldn't speak or say anything. The pain in my heart was so heavy and numbing, It was like I was watching this outside of my body.

Chris stood beside me still holding my hand then kneeled down to me and touched his forehead to my temple. He didn't say anything but just him being there was more than I could ask for.

I eventually was able to stop myself from crying long enough to say all the things I've ever wanted to say to her, as this would be the last time she would ever hear my voice.

It didn't take long before I felt her hand relax in mine. I look up at her and she took in one last breath and suddenly, there was nothing.

The room was silent, though there were so many people in the area with screaming children and patients being wheeled in from ambulances and with all that commotion going on, this room was completely silent and still. I couldn't hear anything. I couldn't feel anything. It was almost like the earth had stopped and there was only me in this room with my mom.

"Andrea... Andrea... we need to go,"

I could faintly hear my aunt saying something but it was like I couldn't move. I feel Chris helping me out of the chair and the next thing I know, I'm suddenly sitting in the rental car with Chris, staring blankly out the windshield.

"Andi...?"

I could hear Chris's soft comforting voice as I stare out the windshield. I feel him reach for my hand and lace his fingers through mine as he presses his lips to the back of my hand.

"Andi...?"

I slowly turn and look at him, his expression soft and comforting though his brow furrowed. His eyes, so blue, shone in the grey overcast light. He reaches over to me and brushes a stray curl that had escaped from my hair tie, out of my eyes.

"Your aunt gave me the directions to the funeral home... um... to make arrangements for your mom...she's going to meet us there..." He says, his voice breaking a little as he speaks.

"Ok..." I say quietly. He looks down and presses his lips to the back of my hand that he still held in his. I turn and look back out the windshield and suddenly, like I was punched in the chest as if the wind was knocked out of me, I start to feel like I can't breathe.

"What am I going to do...? What the fuck am I going to do...?"  
"Baby..." Chris says to me as he pulls me into him.   
"I don't... know... how I'm... supposed to live... without her..." I cry as Chris holds me and I sob into his chest. I sob so loudly you could hear me outside the car.

I cried like I've never cried before, loud and painful. My heart was broken and there wasn't anything anyone could do to fix it.


	41. Slaves And Bulldozers

Woodinville Washington,   
March 28, 1991

Chris arrived back in Seattle just a few days later. He had to leave Andi to finish up recording Soundgarden's new album, Badmotorfinger. He didn't want to leave her but she insisted that she could make the arrangements with help from her aunt and that she would be back home in the next few days.

Chris felt guilty all the same. He had gone through losing friends so young and knows exactly what Andi is going through. He had never seen her breakdown the way she did which made him hurt inside for her. The only thing he can do is be there for her when she gets back and as for now, recording is what needs to happen.

The last of the recording sessions we taking place at Bear Creek Studios in Woodinville which was about a 30 minute drive out of Seattle. It was nestled in the heart of the forest with tons of evergreens and a lake that ran along the shoreline of the studio. It is the perfect retreat to be creative.

Chris pulls up into the driveway of the studio and hops out of the truck. It was just him and Terry today, finishing up the last of the vocal tracks for the album. Before he heads inside, he takes out a smoke and lights it up, just enjoying the warmer spring air. He quickly finishes up his smoke and heads inside.

"Hey Chris how are ya?," Terry greets him at the door and they shake hands.  
"Hey, good... I'm good,"Chris smiles at him.  
"I'm sorry... Kim told me about Andi's mom... how's she doing?" Terry asks concerned.  
"She's still pretty upset... she just had to stay back to take care of things before coming back home..." Chris says a little sadly, he missed Andi so much.  
"I'm sorry man..." Terry says.  
"Thanks..." Chris says and half smiles.

"Well... ready to finish up here?" Terry smiles.  
"Yea... yea, let's do this," Chris smiles back and they head into the control room.

•••

"Alright Chris... I think we got it," Terry says as he pushes the intercom button for the sound booth that Chris was in. Chris takes his headphones off and heads out to the control room.   
"Fuck... that was awesome... you sounded awesome man," Terry says as Chris walks into the control room.  
"I hope so... I kinda struggled on that last part...sometimes its weird to harmonize with myself... I don't know..." Chris says apprehensively.  
"No man... it was good... fucking amazing even," Terry smiles at him. Chris smiles back at him and Terry taps him on the arm for re-assurance.

"So... we just have to get this mixed and it's done," Terry says.  
"Cool," Chris smiles and suddenly there was a knock on the control room door. Terry gets up and opens the door to find Susan standing outside.

"Hi Terry," She smiles.  
"Hey... I'm sorry I didn't know you were stopping by or -"  
"Oh its ok... I just needed to talk to Chris," She says. Chris raises his eyebrow at her as Terry looks back at him a little confused.   
"Uh sure..." Chris says and steps out into the lounge area with Susan.

"So... I know I would normally have you just come into my office but I wanted to catch you here... since I know your busy and everything..." She says as she reaches into her bag and pulls out an envelope. Chris looks at her a little confused as she hands the envelope to him.

"Go ahead..." She says as he looks down and rips open the seal.  
"Holy shit," He says surprised as he pulls out a cheque. He had never seen that many zeros before. He looks back at her and she smiles at him. He strokes his chin with his palm trying to contain himself.   
"Is this... for...?" He trails off.  
"It's all of last years royalties and the advancement for the album." She smiles at him. He looks back down at the cheque and she can see a smile form across his lips.

"Um... thank you..." He says as he clears his throat and changes his expression to a serious one.   
"Chris... it's ok to be happy about money... just enjoy it... you earned it," Susan says. She touches his arm as he looks at her and half smiles at her. She then turns and walks out of the Studio leaving Chris looking back down at the money in his hands.


	42. Worse Dreams

Seattle Washington,   
April 2, 1991

It was a week later and I was ready to go back home. I had made all of the arrangements for my mom and since there wasn't enough funds from her life insurance to cover funeral costs, I just had her cremated and wanted to take her home with me. My aunt was more than happy to take care of her things from her apartment since I only grabbed a few sentimental things to take back home with me. The main thing is that I wanted my mom with me. I know that may sound weird and morbid but I don't care. She's coming home to Seattle.

I was on my way to Pearson airport by greyhound as Chris left me enough money so that I could get back home. I told him not to worry and that I could find a way, but he insisted and made me promise to call him when I landed.

The whole way home, I was numb and heartbroken. I could feel the darkness looming over me, and at times I found it hard to breathe. I was able to keep myself calm enough on the plane thanks to my little friend Jack Daniels, but other than that, all I wanted was to go home and lay down in my own bed and never leave.

I arrive in Seattle later that night and as soon as I'm through customs, I grab my luggage and head to a payphone. I admit, it felt a little strange that I was carrying my mom with me but I was trying not to think about it or else I'd have a breakdown.

"Hi... yea I'm at the airport...ok... I love you too... k'bye," I say to Chris and hang up the phone to go wait for him outside. A short while later, I see Chris pull up in his pickup truck. He hops out and walks around the back to see me. He looked so good in his black button up shirt that he left unbuttoned with his leather jacket, his black baggy shorts and his Doc Martens. His hair flowing passed his shoulders, in the evening spring breeze revealing his silver hoop earrings that shone in the approaching moonlight.

"Hi..." He smiles at me as he walks up to me.  
"Hey," I smile back. He places a kiss on my lips and then grabs my bags and puts them in the back of the cab.  
"Wait no... not that one," I say as I stop him from picking up a small roller luggage bag.

"This one stays up front with me..." I say as I pick it up. He half smiles at me and places another kiss on my lips, and I walk to the passenger side and get in. He hops in the drivers side and looks at me as he reaches over and brushes a curl out of my face. I lean a little into his palm and close my eyes. His warm hand felt so good against my skin, I just wanted him to hold me and never let go.

"Ready...?" He asks sweetly , his voice so soothing.   
"Yea..." I exhale as he slowly takes his hand away from me and turns the ignition. I look down at the luggage bag that sat between my feet and felt my chest become heavy again. I take in a deep breath and look out the windshield as we pull away from the curb.

•••

We arrive back at my apartment and Chris helps me in with my luggage. As he sets my bags down by the door, I take off my boots and hang up my jacket. I take the luggage bag that I had sitting in the truck with me and move it over to my bookshelf in the living room. I started to feel a little overwhelmed and so I just decided to leave it by the bookshelf. I still cannot wrap my head around the fact that my mom... is... -

"Would you like a drink?" I ask as I walk into the kitchen and take myself out of my thoughts.   
"Um... yea... sure," He says as he walks over to the kitchen door and leans against the frame.   
I open up my fridge and take out the bottle of Jack and pour myself a glass with ice straight up. I then pour him his drink with the last can of Diet Coke over some ice and walk over to hand it to him.

"I hope I made it ok," I say as he takes a sip.  
"It's perfect," He says and places a kiss on my forehead. I close my eyes and place my hand on his chest feeling his soft, warm bare skin through his open shirt. He then presses his lips to my forehead as I inhale the sweet scent of his cologne. After a few moments, I pull away from him and quickly down my drink, then set it down on the table.   
"Stay with me?" I ask as I look up at him and he offers me a half smile and nods. He takes a sip of his drink then sets it down on the table and I take his hand and lead him to my bedroom.

He takes off his jacket and sets it down on the chair by my dresser as I take off my shirt and toss it aside. I take of my jeans as he watches me with my back turned to him. I grab a hair tie off the side table and throw my hair up in a pony tail and I move over to my bed while he undresses, leaving only his black boxer shorts on as he watches me climb under the covers. He climbs in beside me and I snuggle into his chest while he draws me into his arms.

The feeling of his warmth next to me is so comforting, I want to stay in this bed with him forever. With my head laying on his chest, he softly plays with my dark hair, places a kiss on the top of my head, and for the first time in what seems like forever, I fall asleep listening to his heart beating as he holds me in his arms.

•••

"Mom... but I don't know what I'm going to do without you..."   
"It'll be ok... you will be fine..."  
"Mommy..."

Later that night I wake up abruptly opening my eyes to see the ceiling above me. I look over at Chris, laying on his stomach, his face buried in the pillow with his hair strewn across his face, sleeping so soundly.

I slowly sit up in bed and suddenly feel a punch in my chest, taking my breath away. Trying not to wake Chris, I softly cry as I pull the covers up to my chest.

"Baby...?" I hear Chris' sleepy voice and try to stop myself from crying.  
"I'm sorry... I didn't mean to wake you up..." I say through my tears. He turns and flips his hair out if his face, sits up beside me and draws me into him.  
"It's ok... bad dream?" He asks still in his sleepy voice.

"Yes... no... I don't know... I... just... it hurts... it really hurts really bad..." I cry as he pulls me into his chest.   
"I know baby..." He says as I sob into his chest. After a few moments, I gather myself a little bit move away from him a little as he wipes my tears from my cheeks.

"That dream was so... so real... like... like as if she was here, talking to me through my dream... it was like her voice was in my head... and she was asking me about... my aunt and my dad... but she was talking really fast but her mouth wasn't moving and... she touched my hand and was holding it like the way she would when I was little... all I could say was that... I don't know how to go on without her... it was so real... so, so real..." I explain a little frantically, still shaken by the dream and fearing that I sound like a lunatic. Chris looks at me and places his lips to my forehead.

"You think I'm crazy don't you?" I say as I close my eyes feeling his warm soft lips on my skin.  
"No... No I don't think you're crazy at all," He says softly.

"I've had dreams like that too... right after Andy died I had one like that... not as intense as yours but along the same line... I'd even be walking down the street to meet you and I'd see him in a crowd of people... then I'd have to tell myself that he's gone... that it can't be him... so no I don't think you're crazy..." Chris says as he touches his forehead to mine. We stay that way for a little while as I close my eyes and just breathe, listening to the silence of the room.

"This feels like the worst heartbreak I've ever gone through... but a trillion times worse," I say quietly.  
"I know baby... and that's completely normal... you'll feel like that for a while... and you'll probably question life and want to know everything about death.. and why we die... hell, I still feel that way..."

I move my forehead away from him and I wipe the rest of my tears from my eyes.

"I hate this... I want her back..." I say as I close my eyes but the tears just keep flowing.   
"I know..." Chris says sadly. After a few moments he lays back and reaches for me and draws me into him. I lay my head down on his chest as he plays with my hair, soothing me.

"I wish I could take all this pain away... I love you so much Andi..." He says quietly as I listen to his heart beating and snuggle further into him.   
"I love you too..." I say sadly as he just holds me in his arms and I slowly eventually fall back to sleep.


	43. She Likes Surprises

Seattle Washington,   
April 3, 1991

A few hours later, I wake up to see the early overcast light coming in through my window. I groan a little as I roll over on to my back and reach for Chris but he wasn't there. I slowly sit up in bed and rub the sleep out of my eyes and I see Chris walk back into my room, wearing only his black boxers, his hair so perfect, resting passed his shoulders, carrying coffee and some fruit in a bowl. 

"Hi baby," He says so sweetly as he sets the coffee down on the side table. He climbs up on the bed and sits crosslegged in front of me.   
"Hey," I say slightly groggy.  
"I thought you might be hungry so I ran down to the store and grabbed a little bit of food for you... you didn't have anything in your fridge..." He says as he sets the bowl down between us and grabs a strawberry takes a bite.

"I'm not really hungry..." I say as I look down at the bowl.   
"You should eat something though... here..." He says as he picks up another strawberry and holds it up to my lips. I take a bite and he smiles at me as he eats the rest of the strawberry.

"Did you sleep any better after... y'know... " He asks as he looks down at the bowl and takes another strawberry.  
"Meh... not really," I say as I reach over and grab one of the coffee cups off the side table, take a sip and hold the warm cup in my hands. He looks at me while he pecks at some more strawberries and reaches up to brush a stray curl that had escaped my ponytail out of my face. I lean into his palm and reach up to hold his hand to my cheek, feeling his soft warmth against me.

"You probably have to get back to your place soon right?" I ask quietly as I closed my eyes and continue to hold his hand to my cheek.   
"No baby... I'm all yours..." He says sweetly as I open my eyes to see him grin at me.

"Is there anything you want to do today?" Chris asks after a few moments of silence and he slowly pulls his hand away to eat some more.   
"Lay in bed all day... and cry..." I say as I grab a strawberry out of the bowl.  
"Awe... baby..." Chris says sadly and takes my hand in his and places a kiss on my palm.   
"But I have to stop by the store and tell Nancy everything in person... I figure I owe her that much since I just left a message on the machine..." I say as Chris holds my hand.

"Ok... we'll do that... and then after, why don't you come with me for a drive...? And maybe we can take a look at a house... or something?" He says. I look at him a little confused.  
"A house...?" I ask as he grabs the coffee the side table.

"Uh huh," He says as he takes a sip.   
"Since when were you thinking of buying a house...?" I ask him a little surprised.   
"I don't know... I just thought maybe it was time to have a place we can call our own..." He says as he takes another sip.  
" 'We'?" I ask as I raise my eyebrow.  
"Well yea... I want you with me of course... so why don't we get a house together..." He says.  
"But I can't afford a house..." I say as I look at him.

"Baby... don't worry... I got you. We're a team remember?" He says as he takes my hand and laces his fingers through mine. He places a kiss on the back of my hand as his blue eyes look into mine.  
"Ok so you want to buy a house and have me live with you too?" I say as if I didn't believe what I was hearing.   
"Uh huh... well you wouldn't just live with me, you'd own it too," He says as he places another kiss on the back of my hand. I look at him for a few moments to think it over and I honestly didn't know why I was hesitating in the first place. This is what I've always wanted.

"Um... ok... sure... lets buy a house...?" I say in almost disbelief as a smile spreads across his face. He moves the bowl that was between us to the table, places his hands on my hips and pulls me into him as my legs rest on either side of him. He touches his forehead to mine and closes his eyes.

"Do you know how much I love you?" He asks as he takes my hand and laces his fingers through mine. I look at him as he opens his eyes and looks at me under his brow. He then leans into me and presses his lips to mine as he lets go of my hand and cups my face in his palms. I sigh softly against his lips, as I begin to suck his beautiful pouty bottom lip. I then pull away from his lips and touch my forehead to his once again.

"To the stars and back?" I ask softly and he nods.   
"Forever and ever..." He says and smiles at me.

•••

"I'll just be a couple of minutes, I think she's down in her office..." I say to Chris as we walk through the door of Lost Loves. I walk towards the back of the store as Chris walks down a couple of isles and looks through some shirts. As I head into the basement where Nancy's office was, I start to feel that horrible lump in my throat like I'm about to cry any second. God damn it, why does this have to feel like this?

"Hey," I say quietly as I knock on her office door.  
"Andi honey!" She says as she looks up from her desk and then comes around to give me a big hug. I was startled at first but the hug felt so nice, I just let her squeeze me.

"I'm so sorry about your mom," She says as her voice shakes a little.

Oh no, don't cry Andrea, get it together.

Suddenly the tears sting my eyes and the lump in my throat gets larger. I pull away from her and look away to wipe my tears. I do not need to cry especially right now.

"I uh... I know I just left a message before so I thought I would come in and tell you... I was just so frantic that morning," I try to explain without balling my face off.

"Andi... it's ok... take all the time you need... there's no pressure to come back at all..." She says.  
"I brought some papers just in case... I didn't know if you needed proof or - "  
"No... don't even worry about that right now... take some time... it's alright," Nancy re-assures me. I look back at her and she offers a sympathetic smile as I wipe the tears from my cheek. I nod and she gives me another hug. After a few minutes I desperately needed to get out of here, so we say goodbye quickly and I head back upstairs.

As I reach the top of the stairs I see Chris still looking through the shirts. He looked so cute flipping through them as his hair fell in front of his face. He glances up for a moment and sees me and flashes me a smile.

"Everything ok?" He asks as he flips his curls out of his face.   
"Yea, Nancy's cool... she gave me all the time I need and said for me to call when I'm ready to come back," I say as I walk over to him. He leans down and places a kiss on my lips.

"Ready to go?" He asks as he pulls away from me.  
"Yea," I exhale as he takes my hand and we head back out to his truck.

•••

"Ok so... there's this place I found right here... it looks like it's in a good area and they have an open house today... wanna go check it out?" He asks as he closes the driver side door and hands me the real estate section of the newspaper he had folded in the pocket of his black baggy shorts. I take the paper from him as he buckles his seatbelt and look at the photo of the house he circled.

It looked beautiful in the photo. It was a large brick 2 storey house with a large front lawn. A large brick enclosed porch and from the photo, it looked like the back faced a large wooded area. The add explained it was a 2500 square foot 2 storey home nestled in the heart of the Seattle suburbs.

"Perfect for the ever growing family and the ideal location for the best views of Mount Rainier. The lush forest is perfect for the outdoorsman and provides the perfect seclusion for all your privacy needs." I say mocking the ad.

"I know the description is a little..." Chris trails off as we pull away from the curb.  
"Over dramatic?" I giggle as I look at him.  
"Well yea... but look at the view from just the photo. It's fucking beautiful..." He says as we head down the street. I look back down at the add and see the price.

"Um... Chris, it's a million dollars..." I say in disbelief.  
"Yea...?"He says coyly. I look at him and he looks back a me sheepishly.   
"Wait... you have a million dollars?" I ask completely in disbelief.  
"Uh... well not quite but pretty close... we'd obviously put a down payment on it and then mortgage the rest through the bank...." He says as we come up to a stop light.

"Holy shit! why didn't you tell me?" I exclaim happily.  
"Um... I don't know... I just didn't think it was important... I guess... Trust me I'm not used to it at all yet... but I know I want to put it to good use so... investing it in a home seemed like a good idea..." Chris looks at me. I move closer to him and place a quick kiss on his lips. He smiles at me and I push his soft curls behind his ear, revealing his silver hoop earring. He then turns back to look out the windshield and head down the street towards the open house.

We arrive at the house and see the sign on the front yard for us to head inside for the Open House. The front yard was huge and the house was just as beautiful on the outside as it was in the picture. Chris hops out of the drivers side and comes around to help me out of the truck. As he takes my hand, I hold his bicep as we walk up to the house.

"Hi, come on in," A woman in a business suit says as she greets us at the door. She must be the real estate agent.

"I'm Lisa... and you are," She asks as she holds out her hand.

"Chris..." He says awkwardly and shakes her hand.

"Nice to meet you Chris... and is this your wife?" She asks me.

"No... uh...I'm Andi," I say shyly and she shakes my hand.

"I'm sorry... just by the way you two look... I thought... Well, anyways very nice to meet you two... have a look around... if you have any questions just ask. I'll be around," She smiles at us. Chris gives a grin back and we start to walk through the house, taking everything in.

The house was completely empty with beautiful hardwood flooring throughout. The living room had this amazing fire place that really made the room look so cozy. The kitchen was large with all new appliances and the kitchen lead to a back deck with the largest backyard I had ever seen, which also lead to a wooded area in behind the house.

The basement was fully finished with a laundry room off to one side and a small 2 piece bathroom. There was also a 2 piece bathroom on the main floor and 4 bedrooms upstairs with a large bathroom that had a large claw foot tub (it was so big I could almost swim in it), a large shower stall and his and hers sinks. That bathroom also lead into the Master bedroom which had a large bay window facing the view of Mount Rainier. Let's face it, this house was fucking beautiful.

"So... what do you think babe?" Chris asks as he walks over to the bay window of the Master bedroom.

"Honestly?" I say as I watch him look out the window, the sun had finally begun to poke through the clouds which shone through the window, outlining Chris's silhouette in his tight white tank top and baggy black shorts.

"Yea," He says as he continues to look out the window.

"I think it's amazing," I say.

"So you want to put in an offer?" Chris asks.

"If you do," I say as I look at him. He turns from the window and walks back towards me, flipping his curls out of his face.

"I do... I really do... I just want to make sure you love this house as much as I do," Chris says as he takes my hand.

"Yea... I do... I really do...I mean that basement alone... It's perfect to build a studio down there" I say as I look up at him and he smiles at me. He leans into me and touches his forehead to mine, closes his eyes, as we stand in the empty room silently holding each other.

"So now that I know you love this place as much as I do..." Chris says quietly as he reaches into his side pocket of his shorts. I watch him as it looks like he's fumbling a little and I can't tell just what he's holding in his hand.

"And I figured this would as good a time as any... to ask you..."

My heart suddenly began to race.

He held a small white gold ring with a single diamond in the middle and I could tell he was having a hard time looking directly at me. He eventually locks his eyes to mine as tears start to sting my eyes.

"I love you more than I thought I could love anyone or anything in my life. I know you are going through one of the darkest times in your life but I want you to know that I'm here. You... you have my heart. I want to marry you. I want you forever..."

Is this really happening?

"I know this ring isn't much but..." He says as he looks down at the ring in his hands.

"Chris..." I say as I start to cry. He looks back at me as I manage a smile through my tears.

"Just put the ring on my finger already..." I say with a half giggle and a smile spreads across his face. He takes my left hand and slips the ring on my finger. He touches his forehead to mine as we continue to hold each other in that bedroom. I touch my hands to his chest feeling him flex a little through his white tank.

"I love you Chris... I'll love you forever..." I say a little shakily as he wipes a stray tear from my cheek. He then presses his lips to mine as I reach up and lace my fingers through his hair. Our lips move together as one and I feel as though I'm floating, feeling like there is nothing in the world I want more than to be with him forever.

"Lets go put in an offer," Chris says, when he pulls away from my lips and touches his forehead back to mine.

"Ok," I say quietly. He smiles at me as he takes my hand and we head downstairs to make an offer.

It took about an hour to discuss the offer with Lisa as she contacted the owner and then Chris had to contact the bank but after much deliberation, the owner accepted the offer Chris put in on the house and we just had to meet at the real estate office tomorrow morning to finalize the ownership.

We headed back to the truck and I climbed in the passenger side as he climbed in the driver side. He all of a sudden just sat there staring out the windshield for what seemed like forever.

"Chris...?" I ask a little confused.

"We just bought a house... and you're going to marry me..." He says still looking out the window. I started to worry. Is he regretting this already?

"We just bought a fucking house and you're going to marry me?" Chris turns and looks at me as I still have my look of worry.

"I'm really here right...? like I'm not imagining this or this isn't some amazing dream and I'm going to wake up and be back in my tiny little apartment or anything right?" He says to me and I smile at him.

"Yes you're really here and no it's not a dream..." I say as I giggle. He leans into me and presses his lips to mine once more as I reach up and start to play with his beard.

"Fuck, we need to celebrate this," He says excitedly as he pulls away from me and starts the engine. We pull away from the curb and head back into town as Chris wanted to call everyone to celebrate. Normally he just likes things quiet, but he was so excited and so happy, it was probably the happiest I've ever seen him and I couldn't fucking wait to move into that beautiful house with him


	44. Bleed Together

Seattle Washington,   
April 3, 1991

Later that evening Chris called Kim and told him everything about the house and said to call everyone to get them down to The Central tonight to hang out and celebrate. Chris had dropped me back at home so that I could quickly clean up a bit and change. I took a quick shower and decided to wear my black lace 3/4 sleeve mini dress with my Doc Marten's of course, and I threw my hair up in a messy bun with some curls that escaped to frame my face.

Just as I buckle my silver studded wrist cuff on my left wrist, I see the ring on my finger sparkling in the light. I smile to myself as my heart swells thinking of how Chris and I are finally forever.

Without even thinking, almost as if by pure habit, I quickly walk out to the kitchen and pick up the phone to call my mom.

Then it hits me.

She's gone.

The pain of loosing her floods back to me, like a punch in the chest taking my breath away, I try to stop myself from crying but it's no use. I miss her so much. This is the happiest day of my life and I can't stop the pain inside me. I want her back. It's not fair.

I hang up the phone and stand in the kitchen trying to stop the tears from flowing but I can't. I pick up one of the glasses that was sitting on the kitchen table and I throw it in a burst of rage and smashes against the wall breaking into a million pieces. I hate this feeling inside. I hate how it will come in waves, washing over me and drowning me, unable to get myself afloat.

I sob uncontrollably sliding down the kitchen counter onto the floor and I bring my knees up to my chest and rock myself back and forth trying to stop but I can't. I hate this more than I could ever hate anything in my life.

"Andi....?" I hear Chris's voice in the living room. I must've been crying so hard I didn't realize he was at the door. He walks into the kitchen as I frantically wipe my cheeks to rid the tears and cover my face with my hands.

"Baby...?" He says concerned as he quickly walks over to me and kneels down to me.   
"I'm sorry..." I sob into my hands. He looks around the kitchen and sees the broken glass all over the floor. He then looks back at me, his brow furrowed and confused as to what just happened.

"Come here," He says as he pulls me into him. I bury my face in his chest as he holds me to him sitting on my kitchen floor.

"What happened baby...?" He says soothingly after I calm down a little. I push myself from his chest as he helps wipe away my tears from my cheeks.   
"I was just getting ready in the bedroom and... and I felt so happy seeing the ring on my finger that I went to call my mom and... and... It just fucking slammed me hard in the chest like... I couldn't breathe... I don't know... I'm so fucked up...." I cry as he looks at me, wiping away my tears. He touches his forehead to my temple as I look at the kitchen floor with broken glass everywhere.

"Then I just got so fucking mad at myself that I threw a glass cup... and it broke..."

He just holds me, listening to my ranting emotions and I have no idea how to even bring myself back to stop this.

"I don't want to feel like this anymore..." I say quietly as I close my eyes as a few more stray tears find their way down my cheeks.   
"I know baby..." He says so soothingly. He holds me for a little bit longer as my crying subsides and I'm able to pull myself back, just a little bit.

"Ugh..! ok... ok I need to get it together..." I say almost frustrated as I pull away from him and wipe my tears away. I move to get myself up off the floor as he helps me up and places a kiss on my temple.

"I need to clean this up... I need to clean myself up... I'm making us late..." I say as I look down at the floor.  
"No... you're not making us late... it's fine. I got this. Go and do your girly stuff with the stuff and things..." He says so cutely and I giggle a little. I look up at him and place my hand on his bare chest through his unbuttoned sleeveless grey and white plaid shirt as he leans into me and presses his lips to mine. His lips comfort me in a way I never imagined and all I want to do is wrap myself up in his arms and never leave.

I pull away from his lips and then turn to head to the washroom as he grabs the broom and cleans up the glass all over the floor. After a few short minutes I come back out of the washroom just as he finishes cleaning.

"Ok babe... you ready?" He exhales.   
"Uh huh..." I say as he walks up to me. He brushes a stray curl out of my face and leans down to place a soft kiss on my lips.

"You know we don't have to do this tonight... if you want to stay home, we can," He says as he pulls away from me.  
"No... no I want to go... I need to get out of here ... I just want to not feel... this... even if it's just for a little while," I say and he places a kiss on my forehead. I close my eyes for a moment just breathing him in.  
"Alright babe... let's go," He says so sweetly and we head out the door, on our way to The Central.

•••

Chris and I arrive at The Central and see Kim, Matt and Ben at a table with Eddie, Stone, Jeff and Mike. As we walk up to meet them, Eddie gets up from the table and walks directly over to me, and gives me the biggest hug. At first I was surprised, I wasn't expecting him to do that since the way we had left things before, but then as he held me, I closed my eyes and returned the hug, holding him tightly.

"I'm so sorry about your mom..." He whispers in my ear.   
"Thank you," I whisper back and I feel as though everything between us had fallen away. There was no tension and no awkwardness, the only thing I felt was Eddie truly wanting to make me feel better.

I fight the urge to cry. I'm so sick of crying.

Eddie pulls away from me and looks down to see the ring on my finger.   
"Congrats..." He says shyly with a smile.  
"Thank you," I smile back at him.

"I was wondering when you two would finally make it official!" Kim exclaims as he walks over to Chris and I. Eddie turns to Chris and congratulates him while Kim walks over to me and gives me a big hug.   
"Congratulations Andi... I'm so fucking happy for you two," Kim says.  
"Thanks," I say as Kim continues to hold me for a few more minutes.  
"I'm so sorry..." Kim says quietly in my ear and I hug him tighter. After a few more moments, Kim pulls away from me and offers me a half smile. I smile sheepishly back as Kim turns to Chris.

"And you... fucker... 'bout fucking time," Kim says and gives Chris a hug.  
"I know right?" Chris laughs as Kim pulls away from him and taps him on the shoulder. Chris and I then move over to the table where everyone was, and we sit down across from Eddie, Stone and Jeff. Everyone else then congratulates us and Kim orders a round of drinks for all of us.

"You ok baby...?" Chris says as he leans into me and pulls me closer to him as he rests his arm on the back of my chair.   
"Yea... yea I'm ok..." I say as I look into his beautiful blue eyes. He smiles sweetly at me and touches his forehead to mine.  
"I love you..." He says so sweetly as he looks at me under his brow.  
"I love you too..." I exhale.


	45. And God So Loved Soundgarden, He Gave Them His Only Song

Seattle Washington,   
August 5, 1991

It was a few months later and Chris and I were finally getting settled into our new home. The basment was just newly re-finished in converted into Chris's studio, which was really exciting for Chris to have a whole separate place to be creative, and he was obviously taking well advantage of it. There were tons of loose papers everywhere of song ideas and lyrics he had been working on since we moved. I for one love every single piece of the messiness and hearing him late at night sometimes just singing down here. He's still working on getting it more soundproofed but I seriously do not mind listening to him at all. I could listen to his voice all day over and over and fall in love all over again.

The new album was just finished and set for release in just a few weeks, and they were also gearing up for an opening spot with Guns N' Roses. I was more than excited for Chris and the guys, I mean opening for GNR? That's fucking amazing! Well at least I think so but I love Guns N' Roses so I'm a little biased. I would never admit to Chris but Slash... oh man... anyways.

It almost seemed like everyone was releasing their albums all at the same time. Stone and Jeff were releasing their debut album soon with Eddie as they finally settled on calling their band Pearl Jam and even Nirvana was set to release their album just before Soundgarden. Let's just say... Seattle is exploding.

Right now, it was early in the morning and Chris was down here in the studio getting some writing in before he and the guys are set to go shoot the first video release off of Badmotorfinger, Jesus Christ Pose. Since the shoot is set in the Mojave Desert, we are catching a flight to Las Vegas and then driving to the location from there. Then after that, they have a show in Olympia to test out more of the new material before the album is released. Soundgarden is definitley starting to take off in a really big way.

"Hey baby... have you seen where I put... my... notebook...?" Chris says as he sits in his swivel chair and fumbles around his studio desk lifting up scraps of loose paper.

"Um... no, I haven't," I say as I walk down the basement stairs with 2 cups of coffee in hand. He looks so adorable when he's flustered trying to find things sometimes. He flips his curls out of his face as he continues to shift papers everywhere.

"Fuck... I swear it was right here..." He says as he lifts up more scrap papers to find it. He still hadn't bothered to put on a shirt yet but he was wearing his normal black baggy shorts, his Doc Marten's of course and his leather wristbands. I walk over to him and hand him his coffee and then turn to help him find the book amidst the mess of lyric sheets and scraps of ideas.

"Here," I say as I find it under the last pile of papers and hold it out for him as I take a sip of my coffee.

"Thanks, baby," He says so sweetly to me as he sets his cup down and takes the notebook from me. He then takes my hand and pulls me closer to him so that I'm standing in between his legs while he sits in the chair. He looks up at me with his beautiful blue eyes while I sip my coffee.

"How you feeling babe?" He says as he looks up at me, placing his hands on my hips and moving them up my back under my favourite Pantera Band shirt that I had obviously modified into a muscle tank and laced up the back.

It had been at least 5 months now since my mother had passed and while each day is still a struggle, I'm not in the fetal position as much anymore. I can actually get up out of bed without feeling like I'm forcing myself anymore. It's still really hard without her, but I'm getting through it. Chris has been so amazing the whole time and helping me push through when I felt like I couldn't. I have no idea how he does it but he is the reason that I am able to face each day without breaking into a million pieces. I still haven't gone back to work though. I don't feel ready quite yet.

"I'm ok..." I say quietly as I look down at him and he smiles up at me and I set my cup down beside his.   
"Is it a good day?" He asks so sweetly.

"Yeah... it's a good day," I smile back at him. I lean down to him and place a kiss on his lips while he moves his hands up my back, my fingers lacing through his long beautiful curls. I pull away from his lips and drop my hands from his hair while he takes my left hand and kisses the back of it. 

"Alright well... I think we should get ready to head to the airport don't you?" I say.  
"Yep I know I'm ready for a long hot day in the desert sun, how about you?" He says slightly sarcastically with a big cheesy smile on his face.

"Come on you know it's going to be fun," I say as I move away from him and turn to head up the stairs.  
"Yeah I know... but not as fun as the view I have right now " He says slyly as he follows me up the stairs and watching me from behind. I turn and raise my eyebrow at him and he raises his eyebrow back at me with a smirk.

"You're horrible," I giggle as we head up the stairs to get ready.

Las Vegas/Mojave Desert, 1991

We arrive in Las Vegas in just a couple of hours and since the Mojave Desert was well, just that... a desert, we booked a hotel room in Las Vegas just outside of the downtown strip. Chris and I check in and meet up with Kim, Matt and Ben, we head to the video shoot which was about another hour and a half drive. This time, there was actually a driver waiting outside the hotel to take us to the shoot. Chris and I pile into the one car with Kim while Matt and Ben take another car to the shoot.

"This is weird... I feel like... I don't know... " Chris says as we head out on the highway and he looks out the window.  
"I know what you mean..." I say as I try to get comfortable beside him.

"Hey at least I can have a beer in here," Kim says as he cracks one open and Chris gives him a smirk. It was a little strange being driven instead of the guys just driving themselves. Chris reaches over to me and places his hand on my thigh and I hold his bicep and snuggle into him, resting my head on his shoulder. I slowly end up falling asleep on Chris's shoulder, listening to him and Kim, crack sarcastic jokes and just being silly with each other.

•••

"So you guy's set a date yet?" Kim asks Chris. Chris looks down at Andi, fast asleep on his shoulder, and sees the diamond ring sparkling in the sunlight shining through the car window.  
"Uh... we haven't actually planned that part out yet," Chris says quietly as he watches her sleeping.  
"Is she doing better? I know she hit a really low point there for a bit..." Kim asks as he takes the last sip of his beer.

" Yea... she's pushing through it, I was worried there for a bit... right after we moved into the new house, she struggled hard... even just to get out of bed and then in the middle of the night I would hear her crying in the living room... she thinks I didn't notice but... I know I was in that place after Any died but I didn't watch him die like she watched her mother die... that shit will definitely change you... and she doesn't have anyone to lean on about it... but she is doing better..." Chris says still watching her sleep on his shoulder.

"Has she not talked to her dad?" Kim asks.  
"No, they haven't spoken since she moved to Seattle like, 3 years ago now... I think her aunt was the one who told him her mom died... Andi just doesn't get along with him... which I can relate to that..." Chris says and Kim nods in agreement.  
"Well... at least you're there for her... it'll just take time," Kim says as he takes the last sip of his beer.

"Yea..." Chris sighs as he turns back to watch her sleep.

•••

"Baby... hey... we're here,"

I hear Chris's voice and I slowly open my eyes. I can't believe I fell asleep on him the whole way here. I lift my head up from his shoulder and he places a kiss on my forehead.

"Good sleep?" He smiles at me.  
"I guess so... I'm sorry," I say with a slight yawn.  
"It's ok baby... you're so cute," Chris chuckles a little and gives me another kiss on my forehead. I move away from him as Chris gets out of the car and then I follow, adjusting my shirt and my ripped jean cutoff shorts as I follow Chris to the video set.

Chris and the guys meet with the director, Eric Zimmerman, to get a sense of what he was wanting to shoot and they head to a spot to shoot the first scenes. There was a little tent that was set up near the shoot which I was able to stand under and watch. It was really hot out here. This was the first time I was in a desert and the heat is definitely different than what I'm used to.

Eric was really nice, after the first couple of shots, he invited me over along with the rest of the guys to see how the shots were turning out. He even showed me the shots of Chris on his own and Chris looked fucking amazing. Well he always looks amazing but he especially looks amazing today.

After the last shot that was taken, and a few photos were captured by photographer Chris Cuffaro, Chris walks over towards me and dabbing the sweat off himself with a towel.  
"Ok... well I'm officially way too fucking hot to do any more," Chris says as he squints his eyes from the sun. He walks up to me and places a quick kiss on my lips and grabs a water from one of the coolers.

"Do you just want to head back to the hotel? Maybe grab some diner?" He asks me as he takes a sip of his water.   
"Yea, sure," I say as he hands me his water and I take a sip. He places a kiss on my forehead and takes my hand as we walk back over to the car where Kim, Ben and Matt were and we all head back out on the road to the hotel.

We arrive back at the hotel a couple of hours later and as soon as we get to our room, Chris immediately wants to take a shower. After we finish cleaning ourselves up a bit, we get ready to head out for some food.

I decide to throw on my black mini long sleeve lacey dress with my Doc Martens and leave my hair down and curly. Chris throws on his jeans with a plain black t-shirt, his hair so perfectly resting passed his shoulders as he sits by the door lacing up his Doc Martens.

"Ready babe?" He asks as he finishes tying his boots and flips his curls out of his face.

"Yea.." I say as I turn from the mirror on the dresser of the tiny hotel room and smile at him.

"Alright... lets eat... I'm starving," He says as I walk over to him and grab my leather jacket rom the chair. He opens the door and lets me walk through first all the while he watches me from behind, placing his hand on my lower back and we head out of the hotel, and walk down towards the Las Vegas strip.


	46. Viva Las Vegas

Las Vegas, Nevada   
August 5, 1991

"Ok... This is so good... but I can't eat anymore..." I say as I lean back a little in the booth and set my fork down on my plate. Chris smiles at me as he takes another bite of his dish and sets the fork down on the plate.

"I know... they do give you a lot here," He says as he takes a sip of his beer. After a few minutes the waitress comes back and takes our plates and Chris orders another beer. I decide to stick with my water for now.

"So... what do you want to do after this?" I ask as I take a sip of my water. Chris takes the last sip of his beer and starts on the next one as he reaches for my hand across the table. He laces his fingers through mine, gently playing with the ring on my finger.

"Uh... I don't know... we can check out more of the strip if you like... " He says as he plays with the ring on my finger and takes another sip of his beer.   
"You're not tired at all? Normally you would be the one to want to just get back to the hotel and sleep," I giggle and take a sip of my water.

" Yea well... I'm feeling energetic tonight I guess," He smirks at me. I smile back at him and reach up and play with his beard a little. He's so adorable without even trying, I just love him so much.

After we talk a little bit more and Chris finishes his beer, He pays for our food and we head out of the restaurant and walk down the Las Vegas strip.

It's not exactly what they show in the movies with cabaret dancers and strippers all along the street. It's pretty busy but it's mostly just normal people, but jeez, the lights are just crazy though. It's so bright it looks like almost daylight. I bet that's how they keep people gambling in the casinos. It really is a city that never sleeps.

"I can't believe how many wedding chaples we just walked by on that one stretch," I say as I look up at buildings.

"Yea... I know... It's like the wedding capital of the world or something," Chris says as he looks at me. We walk a little further in silence, his fingers laced through mine and we come up to another wedding chapel.

"Ok, I don't know if it's just me but... what is with this?," I say as I point to the chapel which actually looked relitively normal against all the other ones that were extremely flashy and elvis themed.

"Do you want to go inside?" Chris asks me and I look up at him a little dumbfounded.  
"Uh... no that's ok," I say a little nervously.

"Come on why not? We'll just check it out, just for fun," He says as his blue eyes look down at me. I have no idea why I felt so nervous, it's just a building where poeple get married, not a big deal right?

"Chris....?" I say as my heart starts to pound.  
"Come on," He smirks and leads me towards the chapel.

•••

We walk up to the Chapel and Chris leads me inside. The front lobby of the building looked completely normal, no flashy vegas themed props at all. The receptionists desk was empty as Chris looks around to see if there was anyone here.

"Chris... um... we should go..." I say and he turns to look at me.  
"Why?" He asks me as I look around the room.

" I just... I don't think they're open... we should just head back," I say as I look up at him.  
"Andi... let's... lets just do it..." He says with a completley serious look on his face.  
"What?" I say a little shocked.  
"Lets just get married here..." He says, his blue eyes looking deep into mine so intensly.

"Hello," An older blonde woman pops out of the back room and smiles at us and Chris smiles back at her.

"Can I help you two?" She asks so sweetly. I stand there in silence not knowing what to say. What is Chris doing?

"Uh... yes, er no... we were just looking," I say nervously and smile at her as she walks up to the desk and sits down.

"We'll if you're interested we do have packages available here, different themes if you want or if you're more traditional, we have that too," She smiles and Chris smiles back at her.

"Chris... we should go," I say quietly as I gently pull at his arm.  
"Baby... what's wrong?" He looks back at me. I look up at him and look at the woman behind the desk. I don't know why I feel this way but I am extremely freaked out right now.

"Chris... nothing... just..." I trail off and look down at myself. I wasn't exactly in wedding attire and neither was he.  
"Baby... hey... I love you more than anything in this entire world... let's just fucking get married," He says as he looks at me. I look up into his eyes and I have no idea why I am hesitating in the first place. I never even pictured myself getting married before so why is it such a big deal to me now? I love him more than anything or anyone in my entire life.

"Ok," I say quetly with a little nod and a smile spreads across his face. He leans down to me a places a quick kiss on my lips and leads me up with him to the woman behind the desk.  
"Uh so... we would like the traditional package I guess..." Chris says a little nervously.

"Of course," She smiles at us and fumbels through the papers on her desk.

"Now do you need rings? We have the tradional with his and her solid white gold wedding bands, we do offer engraving as well if you wish," She says looking up at the both of us.

"Uh yea... we'll go with that," Chris says as he looks at me.  
"Sure...," I say quietly as I try to control my nervousness.  
"They are real gold rings right?" Chris turns to the woman.  
"Chris..." I say as I tap him on the arm.  
"Yes they are... we get asked that question all the time, so it's no bother," She re-assures him.

"Alright, Perfect..." The woman says as she rings up the total of the package. She also takes down our Identification and anything else we need to verify us. I guess it's a good thing I always carry that stuff with me.

"Ok, you two are set up so go on ahead into the chapel room there... " She says as she directs us into the main area. Chris takes my hand and we walk up the isle together and notice that we are the only ones there. I always pictured a wedding in Vegas where you take a number and wait to be called but this seemed more like a traditional way, like they way you would get married in front of a judge at city hall or something.

Suddenly a older man comes out behind a curtain in a formal preisthood uniform and stands up at the podium. Chris and I look at each other and walk up the isle to stand in from of him. i felt extremely nervous and weird all at the same time. I can't believe this is happening. Then the woman from the front desk comes from out behind the curtain which made Chris and I smirk a little at each other as we stood in front of the podium.

"Dearly beloved... we are gathered here today..." He says loudly which makes Chris and I jump a little and we desperatley try to control our laughter. The whole time he is performing the traditional vows, I look at Chris and even though this was definitely not was what I was expecting at all, I can't think of any other place I'd rather be at this very moment.

...

"Holy shit! Did we just...? I mean... we just... we're married... babe, we're fucking married," Chris says excitedly and slightly in shock as we stand outside the chapel waiting for a cab to pick us up to head back to the hotel.

" Yea... yea we are...," I say and let out a small squeal as he pulls me into him and crashes his lips to mine. I have never felt more elated than I do in this very moment. I reach up and lace my fingers through his incredibly soft curls as his hands reach around my back up under my jacket. I have no idea how I am able to contain myself right now. I love him more than anything and I can't believe he is mine. He pulls his lips away from me and touches his forehead to mine.

"So Mrs. Cornell.... what say we head back to the hotel... take off all our clothes... and maybe take advantage of that jacuzi in the bathroom..." He says low and lustfully as he looks at me under his brow.

"Well Mr. Cornell... I am so with you on that idea..."


	47. Mine Is The Heart You Stole

Las Vegas, Nevada   
August 6, 1991

The next morning, I wake up in the hotel room as the early morning sun shines through the hotel window. I flutter my eyes open to find Chris's arm wrapped around me, in his usual position with his face half buried in the pillow, his curls strewn across his face and his breathing slow and deep, so comforting as his chest rises and falls. I move a little against him and he moans ever so softly as I look down at his hand holding me, his solid white gold wedding band sparkling in the sunlight.

I smile to myself as I close my eyes, feeling him breathe behind me. I move my hand to cover his and notice how perfectly our rings match each others. I never would've thought in a million years that this would have happened. Thinking back to that first night I met him, 3 years ago, I knew there was something about him. I just never thought I would be here in his arms as his wife.

I move a little to roll on to my back, his arm never moving from mine and I listen to him as he sleeps. After a few moments I suddenly feel him move as he rolls over on to his back, his arm moving from me to push the curls out of his face. I look over at him as he rubs his eyes to rid the sleep and then looks at me blinking so adorably trying to focus.

"Hi," He says groggily.   
"Hey," I say still sleepily as I look at him, the slight stubble on his cheeks, his toned smooth bare chest, the blanket only covering him up to his hips.  
"What time is it?" He asks with a yawn.  
"Early..." I say as I turn to look up at the ceiling and close my eyes again.   
"You sleep ok?" He asks so sweetly.  
"Uh huh," I mumble as he continues to look at me. I feel him take my left hand in his and he brings it up to his lips, gently grazing them across the back of my hand, placing soft gentle kisses down to my wrist and back up again. I slowly smirk though my eyes remain closed as his lips continue to brush across the back of my hand.

"So... Mrs Cornell... what would you... like to do today...?" He says in between his kisses.   
"Stay here forever and never leave this spot," I slightly mumble becoming more relaxed with each touch of his lips.   
"Done," He says, his lips against my palm and I giggle.

"I'm sorry babe... we can't though... We gotta get back home... I gotta show in Olympia we gotta do tonight..." He says still brushing his lips across the back of my hand.  
"I know..." I sigh, my eyes still closed. He moves and lifts himself up to prop his head up on his elbow all while still holding my hand. I turn and look up into his beautiful blue eyes then move myself to snuggle into his chest.

"I don't want to go and face the world just yet... I just want to stay here with you... just for a bit longer," I say quietly as he places a kiss on the top of my head.   
"I'm not gonna argue with that," He chuckles a little as I reach up and play with his curls that spilled across his chest. I then start to trace my fingers over his chest, feeling the soft smoothness of his skin. I shift myself a little and softly place gentle kisses on his toned chest, moving my lips to his nipple and circling my tongue around.

"Baby..." He sighs, my hand moving down his stomach and even lower, reaching his well endowed very erect shaft and I slowly massage him in my palm. He moans as his breath hitches while I begin to pump my hand up and down, feeling him become more tense. He moans a little louder and I stop to push him over onto his back while I move myself on top to straddle him.

"You... are so fucking beautiful," He breathes while he moves his hands to my hips to help support me. I close my eyes and bite my bottom lip as his fingers trail slowly over my hips and to my clit, softly stroking, sending electrical sensations all over my body.   
"I want you inside me baby," I breathe, my eyes still closed as I begin to move my hips, responding to his touch.

Without hesitating, feeling how wet I've become with his touch, he eagerly guides himself inside me. His first thrust is slow but firm, sending shockwaves of pleasure all over my body. I place my hand over his while he continues his various rubbing patterns on my clit, guiding and showing him just how I like it.  
Chris suddenly lifts himself into a seated position, moving his hands to my hips and around to my back, pressing his chest against my breasts and crashing his lips to my throat.

"Oh god, you feel so good inside me," I whimper as I begin to grind my hips against him, matching his thrusts and moving my hands to lace my fingers through his hair. His lips graze against my throat, feeling his warm breath on my skin sending even more shivers of bliss throughout my body. Then in one movement, he flips me over so that he is on top of me all the while not loosing any rhythm at all. As I wrap my legs around his waist, I raise my arms above my head and he reaches up and laces his fingers through mine, thrusting firmly and picking up the pace.

His incredible blue eyes lock onto mine as our movements become one with each other, matching each rhythm, fitting together like a perfect puzzle piece. I suddenly feel that beautiful familiar feeling deep within me, my muscles contracting, free falling through time and space. Chris moans as I grip him in a way that only I can and the waves of pleasure wash over me like a tidal wave. He cries out with me as we both reach the pinnacle of our orgasm together, spilling his warm liquid within me.

I attempt to catch my breath as he softly collapses on top of me, his face buried in my neck, his lips flushed as they brush across my skin. We stay this way for a little while, coming back down to earth from our incredible high. He lets go of my hands and wraps his arms around me, still placing soft fleeting kisses from my earlobe down to my collarbone. After a few moments he moves himself off of me and draws me back into him, returning to the position that we started from.

"Chris...?" I say quietly and dazed from the events that took place.   
"Yes baby?" He says sleepily with his eyes closed.  
"When do you think we should tell everyone?"   
"Soon," He says.   
"Chris...?" I ask after a few moments of silence.  
"Mmmm...?" He mumbles, half falling asleep.   
"Do you know how much I love you?" I say quietly as I snuggle back into his perfect chest.  
"To the stars baby... now shhh... sleep time," He mumbles and I giggle a little, then falling back into a wonderful sleep in his arms.


	48. I Like Throwing My Voice And Breaking Guitars

Seattle Washington,   
August 6, 1991

It was later on that afternoon and we made it back to Seattle safely. The plane that we took had separate seats from the rest of the guys so Chris didn't have a chance to tell anyone that we ended up getting married last night. Holy shit! I still can't believe we did that. I'm hoping no one will be disappointed that we did that and didn't tell anyone or invite anyone. I just need to stop stressing about it.

I was busy in our bedroom getting ready trying to figure out what to wear while Chris was downstairs in the studio doing his thing. I could hear him every once and a while and I love hearing him no matter what he's doing down there.

I figured I would go with my usual cut up band shirt and ripped jeans. I cant help it I'm a metal chick through and through. I decide to go with my Behemoth shirt that I got on the first date that Chris and I ever went on. That Behemoth concert changed my life forever. That was the night that I fell in love with him and here we are. who would've thought?

I check myself in the mirror, buckle up my silver studded belt and adjust my shirt to make sure it looked perfect with my ripped jeans and Doc Martens. I slap on my silver studded wrist cuff on my left hand and catch a glimpse of the rings on my finger which gave me those fluttery butterfly feelings inside. I smile to myself and then look at myself in the mirror and quickly throw my hair up in a messy ponytail with some curls escaping to frame my face.

I then make my way downstairs and head down into the studio to see Chris sitting on his swivel chair with his acoustic and playing as he scribbles on the scraps of paper strewn about him.

".... Dead on my feet while my nightmare walks  
I fell asleep where the freeway talks  
Suffer to swim and dying to sink  
These things in the air they will make you think  
Make you think, make you think..."

As I reach the bottom of the stairs, the sound of his beautiful voice fills the room while he plays this Sabbath sounding riff, the heaviness of it even though it was on an acoustic, I could feel through my whole body. It seriously gave me chills.

"Hi baby," He says when he sees me walk over to him.   
"Hi... what you working on?" I ask as I move closer to him.   
"Uh... just this riff that Kim came up with and I thought I'd try some lyrics to it..." He says as he sets the guitar down and leans it against the desk.   
"Well whatever that was... it sounded heavy... really dark... I like it," I say as he pulls me into him to stand between his legs and smirks at me while he locks his beautiful Irish blue eyes on mine.

His hair that rested well passed his shoulders was still damp from his shower and even though he was in his ripped jean shorts, his Doc Martens with his suede leather wrist cuffs on each wrist, he still had not put on his shirt yet. I for one, don't mind at all. He looked so fucking amazing with his perfectly trimmed beard and his small silver hoop earrings, slightly poking through his dark hair.

"I hate to break you away from what you're working on... but we should head out..." I say as he moves his hands to my hips and up my back under my Behemoth shirt, his fingers skipping across my skin.   
"Yea I know... thank fuck it's only and hour drive away and we can just come back home after," He says as he rests his head against my stomach and I thread my fingers through his hair, playing with his curls.

"You ok?" I ask, playing with his hair after a few moments of silence.  
"Yea... I'm just tired... I'm ok," He says and moves his head away from me, moves his hands to the bottom of my shirt, lifts it up and places a kiss on my stomach causing me to giggle.   
"Chris... that tickles," I laugh and he chuckles a bit as he pulls away and I pull my shirt back down.   
"Ok... let's get outta here," He smiles and pats my hip for me to move to let him up from the chair and I follow him up the stairs out of the studio.

Capitol Theatre Olympia Washington, 1991

We arrive in Olympia about an hour later and since it was so close to Seattle, I helped Chris pack his guitars that he needed and he just drove us there. This was the only show they were doing before the record comes out and then it's off to tour with Guns N Roses.

I help Chris carry his guitars in to the venue through the back and after, we make our way down the hall towards the dressing room for some drinks and to hang out before the show. As Chris takes my hand and we walk down the back corridor of the Capitol Theatre, we see Kim walking towards us.

"Hey guys," He smiles at us and gives Chris a hug first.  
"Hey, you just get here?" Chris asks as I hold Chris's bicep while they converse a little.   
"Yea, I uh just finished going over the tuning with Jeff..." Kim looks at me and smiles and then I see him glance at my hand that held on to Chris. Kim looks back and forth between us and raises his eyebrow.   
"Wait... uh... did you guys...?" He says a little confused.  
"What?" Chris asks and looks back and forth between me and Kim.  
"Are you guys married?" Kim asks a little in disbelief. I look at my hand that was holding Chris's arm and then up at Chris.

"Uh... yea...?" Chris says slowly and apprehensively and looks at Kim. Kim then tackles Chris in a hug, pulling him away from me and Chris laughs a little in surprise. Kim holds Chris tightly for a few moments and then Chris slowly returns the hug as I stand there watching them.   
"That's fucking awesome man... I'm so happy for you," Kim says still hugging him.  
"Thanks man," Chris says and then Kim eventually pulls away. Kim then turns to me, leans down and gives me the biggest hug he's ever given me.

"Andi..." Kim says as he still hugs me in the hallway backstage.  
"Awe..." I say quietly while he continues to hold me.  
"Hey guys," Matt says as he opens the door from the dressing room and sees us standing in the hallway.   
"What's going on out here?" Ben says as he appears behind Matt and sees Kim still hugging me.  
"They're married," Kim says as he lets go of me. It looks like he was about to cry. Oh my god, I had no idea Kim could get this emotional.  
"What?" Ben smiles. I've never even seen Ben smile either, he's always so damn quiet and shy.

"No fucking way!" Matt smiles and walks up to Chris to give him a big hug.   
"Congrats Andi..." Ben says quietly and gives me a quick hug.  
"Awe thank you," I say surprised and Ben pulls away from me. I was not expecting this at all.   
"When?" Kim asks as Matt turns to me to give me a quick hug.

"Uh last night in Vegas... we didn't plan it but... it just sort of...happened..." Chris says as Matt pulls away from me.   
"Well we gotta celebrate it, lets have a drink," Kim says and turns to walk back into the dressing room. Matt and Ben follow as Chris takes my hand and laces his fingers through mine and we follow them into the dressing room.

Chris and I walk in the dressing room and Kim hands me a beer. Chris lets go of my hand and walks over to get himself a beer.   
"Ok everyone's got a drink right?" Kim asks and looks around the room.  
"Yep," Matt says and takes a sip of his beer. Chris pops open his beer and walks back over to me and stands beside me while Matt, Ben and Kim stand with us in a sort of in a circle.

"Ok so... even though we weren't invited and who knows if you were even going to tell us at some point..." Kim says and Chris smirks at him.

"I just wanted to say congratulations to you two... Andi... we love you... you are the best thing that's happened to this fucker in a long time... and Chris... well... you know," Kim says.

"You've had a few haven't you?" Chris smirks at him.  
"Yes I have but that doesn't change the fact that I'm fucking so happy for you two," Kim says laughing a little and we all laugh with him.

"Cheers to you," Kim raises his beer and we all raise our drinks with him and clink our bottles while Matt and Ben chime in with a 'cheers'. We all take a drink and then Chris gives Kim another big hug and they stay that way for a few moments.

"Ok, that's enough sappiness for one night..." Kim says and pulls away from Chris as Chris laughs. Then we all just hang out back stage like we normally do, talking, laughing and somehow getting into a few deep conversations and then it was time for Soundgarden to take the stage.

Matt, Ben and Kim head out of the dressing room first and then Chris and I follow behind, my hand in his as he places soft kisses on the back of my hand. This was probably the first time I really felt like I belonged here. I didn't feel like a groupie, not that I was in the first place, and not like the guys ever made me feel that way. We all know what happened when Jason made me feel that way. I just felt like I was meant to be here with Chris. To be apart of what he lives for, makes me love him more and more each day. I am so grateful that he wants me to be a part of this whole thing with him.

I walk up with him to the stage and as I stand near the back, at the side, in between the two Marshall Stacks, Chris turns to me and places his lips on mine, lingering for a few moments and then takes his silver burst Gibson, my second favourite guitar of his, from Steve (his guitar tech) and heads out onto that stage.


	49. A Birth Ritual, A Birth Of Idiots

Capitol Theatre Olympia Washington, August 6, 1991

"....Thank You!" Chris yells into the mic after finishing the epic, 'Jesus Christ Pose'. The energy from the audience was insane. It was so amazing to see just how much of a stir they are now creating.

"... You might not recognize anything that we're playing 'cause this is off our new record, we never played before really..." Chris says into the mic and the crowd cheers.

"So if we fuck anything up we're gonna stop and then start over and keep doing it until we get it right, I hope you don't mind?" He says and more screams come from the audience.

"WE LOVE YOU!!!!" I hear someone in the front row scream. There were a bunch of girls that had made their way to the front which surprised me as the pit was full of guys and there were so many crowd surfing. At one point even Chris did a bit of crowd surfing during 'Birth Ritual' and all of the roadies ran out to help him and to make sure he didn't loose his pants. Yes that has happened and it was hilarious.

"Good... Alright... this is Ben Shepherd over here on bass... This is Face Pollution,"

And with that, they rip into 'Face Pollution' followed immediately by 'Gun' and as soon as they started the first few chords of 'Gun' The crowd went completely insane, screaming their faces off. The group of girls that were in the front row, practically right up next to the stage, were just loosing their minds watching Chris. I thought it was hilarious. Of course I loose my mind over him all the time.

A bit further into the song, the girls were just completely mesmerized by him and suddenly one chick, the one who screamed ' I love you' a little earlier rips her shirt completely off and she was not wearing a bra at all.

Now I haven't really had to deal with any sort of groupie activity since being with Chris. Yes, chicks do throw themselves at him sometimes but there are also girls who are genuinely fans and the majority of the time, they are respectful and don't act that way. These chicks in the front row were not what I was expecting at all. I'm not jealous by any means whatsoever. I mean, Chris married me, what do I have to be jealous of?

"Andi... you ok!?" One of the roadies, Dave, asks me.  
"Me? yea I'm cool," I say back leaning into him so he could hear me.   
"Ok, just thought I'd check..." He smiles at me and I smile back and take a sip of my beer. I turn back and watch Chris and I can see that he's just lost in the music, playing his soul out to the audience and not even noticing the chicks waving their boobs around. Well even if he did notice, I wouldn't care, he's a guy... but still.

I finish my beer and decide to head down to the bar to grab another one. I climb down the steps to the stage, head around to the side and make my way to the bar. I was definitely feeling the drinks but I was feeling really good. I had a really good buzz going and I didn't want it to end.

I finally make my way to the bar, as Soundgarden rips into 'New Damage' and order a Jack and Coke instead. The bartender set the drink down in front of me and I take a sip, relishing the sweet burn. Damn I love that Tennessee Whiskey.

As I sip my Jack and Coke, I turn and see the chicks that were up at the front of the stage, that now had their shirts back on, or what looked like a shirt... sort of, walk up next to me to order some more drinks.

"Fuck... do you think he noticed me?" The one girl says as she adjusts herself. She was tall with long straight black hair and looked like she belonged in a GNR video.   
"Well with those new boobs Daisy, he better have," The other chick laughs and she even looked like she should be from the same video.   
"Fuck... Chris Cornell is just so fucking hot... I just hope he saw me," She says as she steps beside me.

They continue to talk and I turn back to face the bar and I really wanted to say something but I wasn't sure if I should, but as they kept talking about Chris and how they wanted to get backstage so they could see if he would be interested in various activities that I really do not want to repeat, my liquid courage reared it's head.

"Uh excuse me... were you wanting to meet Chris?" I say confidently, surprising myself. The girl, Daisy, I think I heard her name right, looks at me up and down as her friends do the same.  
"Well yea... what's it to you?" She says a little snarky which made me a little uneasy but I held my ground.   
"Well... since I do know him fairly well, he told me he did notice you in the crowd," I lie as her eyes grow wide.

"Really?" She says as now she starts to act really nice to me.  
"Yea... and he told me to tell you that he appreciates your enthusiasm, but he would really like it if you kept your shirt on and to stop embarrassing yourself," I smirk as I take a sip of my Jack and Coke and watch as her expression turns from excited to insulted in 3 seconds flat.  
"Excuse me?" She says dumbfounded as she looks at me up and down.

"Andi... Chris is asking for you backstage," Dave says when he walks up to me. Daisy looks at me with a judgemental snarky look as she overhears Dave talk to me.   
"Ok," I say as Dave walks back to the stage and I sip my drink.

"You girls have fun," I smirk while they still look at me up and down as I walk back to the stage and head up the stairs. Damn that felt fucking awesome. It felt like I was a Lioness protecting her King. It felt so fucking good to put girls like that in their place.

•••

It was after the show and the bar was still open, so Chris wanted to go out into the crowd after to meet some fans like the way he used to, just like the night we met for the first time. Kim, wanted to do the same but Matt and Ben wanted to head home. They were tired which was completely understandable. 

Chris heads out into the crowd and walks up to the bar to grab one more beer. Since he had to drive us back home, he didn't want to have too many. He was feeling amazing from the energy of the crowd tonight which was good enough for him. Kim dissappeared somewhere and so I was left in the crowd by myself, which was fine, sipping my Jack and Coke and waiting for Chris. It felt like it was taking a while for him to get his drink so after a few moments I head in the direction of the bar. As I pushed passed a few people a girl stumbles into me and spills my drink all over myself and on the floor.

"Oops... I didn't see you there," She says in a weird snarky tone and I turn and look to see it was that same chick from earlier in the night, Daisy.  
"That's ok," I say flatly, not believing her and trying my best to stifle my anger.  
"I'm sorry did I get your shirt all messed up? Behemoth? What does that even mean? Is that a band?" She asks looking me up and down again and takes a sip of her drink.

"Yes they're a band, " I say flatly still, not knowing why I'm even talking to her in the first place.  
"I've never heard of them before, I thought maybe you were just wearing that shirt because you look like a Behemoth..." She mocks me as she laughs. Alright, now my blood is boiling.

"Which is more than I can say for you," I retort under my breath, trying to wipe the Jack and Coke off of me.  
"Excuse me? Did you say something?" She steps angrily towards me.  
"Oh sorry you probably didn't hear me with all the dicks in your ears,"

What? That's what I come back with?

"Oh you mean Chris's dick? 'Cause why would he want to stick it in you?"

...

"Thanks..." Chris says as he shoots the bartender a tip and then turns to head back towards the crowd and to where I was. As he takes a sip of his beer he sees Andi and a girl talking or what looked like they were talking. He's never seen that other girl before so he didn't know what exactly was going on. That chick definitely didn't look like she was a friend of Andi's but from what he could tell, they looked fine. As he walked closer, he flipped his curls out of his face to see Andi grab the girls drink and throw it in her face.

"What the-?"

...

"You fucking bitch!' Daisy squealed now drenched in her drink as I toss the plastic cup at her. What the fuck has come over me? I know I've had a few and I'm normally not like this at all, but she pissed me off and with everything that has happened in the last few months, I just let it out.

She pushes me and I stumble backward a little and then I shove her even harder she falls off of her heels, on to the floor and the whole crowd becomes practically silent watching our fight.

"Hey! Ladies! break it up!" one of the bouncers comes over and pulls me aside.  
"Hey it's ok I got her," Chris says to the bouncer as he nods and lets go of me.

"She was the one who threw the drink at me, fucking bitch!," Daisy screams as the other bouncer pulls her up off the floor.  
"That's enough... this is the second time tonight... now you have to leave," The bouncer says to Daisy as he escorts her away from the crowd.

"Baby... what the fuck happened?" Chris asks me with a confused look on his face. He's never seen me act that way before. He's never seen me agressive and angry and he certainly has never seen me get into a chick fight before. The last girl fight I was in was when I was 12 years old and a chick who was picking on me at school beat the fuck out of me but I didn't know how to defend myself. This was different. It felt good to fight back for once.

"I don't want to talk about it," I say and turn from him to walk towards the backstage exit.   
"Babe...?" He says as he watches me for a few moments and then follows me to the exit backstage.


	50. Primal Concrete Sledge

Capitol Theatre Olympia Washington, August 6, 1991

"Baby... hey," Chris calls after me as I walk to the dressing room. I still say nothing as I head inside.  
"Andi, why aren't you talking to me?" Chris asks as he follows me in.  
"I... I don't want to talk about it...my god damn shirt is fucking soaked from that bitch and I just want to go home.." I say as I look around for a spare shirt that I can just throw on. Chris comes up behind me and reaches for my hand.

"Baby... come here," He says sweetly to me and takes me in his arms and holds me for a few moments. I then pull away from him after I feel like I've calmed down enough.  
"Chris... can we just go home?" I ask as I look up at him.  
"Sure baby," He says so sweetly and leans into me to place a kiss on my forehead. He pulls away and grabs his spare shirt from the chair and we head out of the dressing room. Chris had already packed up his guitars right after the show ended so at least we could just get in the truck and go.

As we pull out of the parking lot, Chris turns on some tunes while I sit in the passenger seat and look out the window. We drive in silence for a little bit as Pantera's Cowboys From Hell album plays through the truck stereo system.

"What happened baby?" Chris says as he looks over at after a few moments of silence.   
I sit for a few minutes and then look out the windshield.  
"I just... I hate myself for acting that way," I say and look down at my hands.  
"Why?" He asks.

"I just let some stupid bitch get to me and I should've just walked away. I wanted to fucking punch her," I say as I look back out the windshield.  
"What happened?" He asks again and I realize I'm not explaining myself very well. I started from the beginning and explained how it started. Chris looks at me with a smile and then quickly changes his expression to serious while he tries not to laugh. Then I explained how she ended up getting to me.

"... so when she basically called me a Behemoth, and not in the way that I love Behemoth," I say as I point at my shirt.

"I said something about her having too many dicks in her ears... and then she came back with you fucking her somehow... I don't know... it was just stupid..."

I look over at Chris and he has the biggest smile across his face and I could tell he was trying not to laugh.   
"Chris... it's not funny," I giggle though I'm trying to stay serious.

"You kicked her ass though," He laughs as he smiles at me. I smirk and squint my eyes at him and try not to let him make me laugh but I couldn't help it.  
"Well I would've fucking punched her too if the bouncers didn't stop me..." I say laughing a little.

"Baby, why were you so upset about it? Like I said... you kicked her ass... when I saw you push her down, that was fucking awesome," Chris smiles as he looks out the windshield.  
"Chris... I don't do that... I'm not one to act like that at all so I just felt embarrassed for myself I guess," I say as I turn and look out the windshield.

"Why?"

"I don't know... Just ever since my mom died I just... loose my shit easily and I don't mean to. My old self just would've not said anything to start with. If I would've heard that chick say those things about you back before... you know... and seeing her whip her boobs around to get your attention, I would've just ignored it... but it pissed me off, I hate fucking groupie mentality like that. It makes us chicks who don't act that way, give us a bad rep for when we are actually fans and love the music and the person... not just to fuck them because of what they do..." I say as I turn to look at him. He glances over at me and gives me a smile then takes my hand and bring it up to his lips and places soft kisses on the back of my hand.

" I love you so much babe..." He says with his lips grazing against my skin.

"You're not mad?" I ask.

"Fuck no, I'm happy you are able to stand up to bitches like that. I'm glad you didn't let her get to you at all, you fucking knocked her down... that was fucking awesome," He says as he looks out the windshield. I move closer to him, tuck his beautiful curls behind his ear, revealing his small silver hoop earring and I place a kiss on his earlobe. I hear him sigh as he leans into me a little and I gently pull away.

"Just let me be there next time.... damn it," He smirks at me and I laugh as we make our way back to Seattle with Pantera blasting through the speakers.


	51. So Now You Know

Los Angeles, California   
September 13, 1991

Soundgarden was getting ready to head out on tour for an opening spot with Guns N' Roses. They had also just released their album, Badmotorfinger, which was doing pretty well and Chris was excited to go out and tour with Guns. He's not usually excited or at least he never seems to let on that he is but I could tell and it was adorable.

I decided to quit my job at Lost Loves. It had been so long since I worked there and I did make an attempt to go back to work but for some reason, I just couldn't do it. My first shift back at work I just was so distracted and uninspired to be there I just couldn't. Nancy took it a little hard but she understood. I don't know what I want to do but I know I don't want to just work in a clothing store any more. I'll figure out something. Right now I'm loving just being with Chris and going out on tour with him and he is extemely happy that I am going with him. Well he better be, I'm his wife... which is seriously still so weird to say.

Anyways...

Soundgarden had a few promotional interviews to do and they were booked to shoot the next video for 'Outshined'off of Badmotorfinger. Before the video shoot, they were set to do an interview on headbangers ball. It would be the first interview since the first time they met with Rikki Ratchman in 1989. It was definitely a full day today. Right now it was fairly early in the morning and we were on the tour bus heading from the Los Angeles airport to Headbangers ball for the interview. I was sitting in the dining area at the table up at the front of the bus, trying to modify my new PanteraT-Shirt that I found at a thrift store along the way while Chris , Kim Matt and Ben were jamming and comming up with some new material.

I cut up the back of the shirt and tie up the strands, then cut the collar and the sleeves off and make other random cuts to the shirt like I normally do. The front of it was so freaking cool, it had Phil, Rex, Vinny and Dime with the 'Cowboys From Hell' logo and 'Fucking Hostile' written underneath.

"Hey Andi... you ever think about doing that for real?" Kim asks me as they stop playing.  
"What do you mean?" I ask as I concentrate on cutting.  
"I mean.... you're really good at it... I'm surprised you haven't thought about designing clothes or something," Kim says and takes a sip of his beer.  
"I sort of thought about it before but.... meh, I just do it for fun," I say as I hold up the shirt to examine my work.

"That's how we started babe... it was just something for fun..." Chris says as he gets up from the the seat in front of me and gives me a quick kiss on my forehead as he walks back to the bathroom. I sit there for a moment thinking about that statement and then shake my head. There's no way... I'm fine just making them on my own.

•••

We arrive at MTV studios and we all head inside and were escorted by one of the producers of Headbangers Ball to the 'green room' which was just basically like a dressing room. Matt and Ben had a few other appointments on their own before the video shoot so it was just Chris and Kim doing the interview today. Chris held my hand as we all walked into the room which had a bunch of large couches, a buffet table full of food, snacks, lots of coffee and the walls were plastered with posters of various bands.

Chris lets go of my hand and head directly for the coffee while I admire all of the memorabillia plastered all over the walls. There was a huge poster of Pantera which hypnotized me and I so desperatley wanted to steal it off the wall and take it home with me. Dime looked amazing in that poster. I was so enthralled in admiring Dime, I didn't even notice Chris come up behind me. I feel his hand touch my lower back which made me jump a little.

"A little jumpy are we?" Chris laughs.

"Sorry... I was just..." I trail off as I look up at him.

"Daydreaming...?" He teases and smirks at me.

"No..." I smirk back at him and give him a gentle playful push against his chest and he laughs. He then leans into me and places a kiss on my temple.

"You are so cute..." He says with his lips against my temple and then turns to sit down on the couch. Kim on the other hand went straight for the snack table to eat. Since it was so early in the morning, I wasn't hungry at all. I have no idea how Kim is able to eat this early, I always have to wait to eat in the morning.

A little bit goes by and one of the producers comes into the 'green room' and tells us it's time for the interview. We follow the producer out to the set and Kim and Chris walk over to greet Rikki, shake hands and catch up with small talk and sit down on the couch beside Rikki's desk. I stand just off the stage set beside one of the producers and lean against the side wall to watch just like the first time I was here with them.

...

"....ok so you guys have a new member right...Ben?" Rikki asks

"Um yeah... Ben, Ben Shepherd," Kim says.

"You wanna tell us a bit about that?" Rikki asks.

"we pretty much hired him because he's 6'3 or 6'4..." Kim replies

"Yea...People don't harass us as much with that cat..." Chris smirks.

"Well yea... he adds some sort of fear factor right?" Rikki smirks back.

"Yea... he's pretty much the type of person who would kick your ass and then read you poetry after..." Kim says looking at Rikki deadpan. Rikki smirks back, at least this time he gets their sarcastic humour.

"He played on the new album right? So did things seem a lot different having a new member contributing to the band?" Rikki asks

"It always should, but it would be different if we just hired a guy and told him what to do but we really wanted him to contribute, cause we've always been used to having 4 members contributing to what we were doing. We're just used to it, we like it... it's how it should be," Chris says.

"Now, I know this isn't band related but, Chris... I heard you recently got married? First of all congratulations... " Rikki starts

"Thank-you," Chris smiles shyly and I start to feel my cheeks flush. Oh god, I had no idea anyone was able to find out about that. It wasn't like we announced it or anything.

"So hows that going...? Is she becoming adjusted to everything fairly easily.... I mean in terms of what you guys do," Rikki giggles realizing at how that must have sounded.

"Uh... yea... yea she's great," Chris smiles shyly and looks in my direction. I smile shyly back trying not to feel on the spot as I feel my face get hotter.

" Oh she's here... that's awesome..." Rikki says and smiles at me and I give a little wave 'hello'. I have no idea what to do, I don't want to be put on the spot.

"That's great... well congrats once again..." Rikki smiles.  
"Thank you.... thank you," Chris smiles shyly again.

"So the last time we spoke to you, you were heading out to play in Oakland to play at the Big Day On The Green Fesitval with Metallica and Queensryche... how did that go?"  
"It was great" Chris replies  
"That was like 80 thousand people right?" Rikki asks

"It was like a hundred million or something like that and if you weren't screaming, they wouldn't let you in... but uh... it was really great, the show went real well it was awesome to play with those guys.... we met Phil Gram maybe.. for the second time which was right before he died which was... in a way it was kinda sweet... just to do that so... yea it was a good day," Chris says

"Is that one of the first time you played all of the new stuff off 'Badmotorfinger'?" Rikki asks.  
"Uh well... we played a few shows before that -" Chris starts.  
"Concrete Foundations," Kim adds   
"Right in front of a big crowd of rock fans and industry people right?" Rikki says   
"Yea..." Chris and Kim say together.

"Alright.... we'll be back in a little bit... we're gonna play the video for Jesus Christ Pose in a little bit and we'll talk about that when Headbanger's ball continues with Chris and Kim from Soundgarden... Stick around..." Rikki says and they cut to a comercial. During the comercial break, Chris looks back at me and gives me a cute wink and I see them continue with a little small talk.

"Alright we're back on the Headbangers Ball with Chris and Kim of the band Soundgarden and we're about to play the video for Jesus Christ Pose," Rikki says  
"Cool," Chris says cutely.

"You explained it a little bit when the video first came out when we talked to you a while ago and I like your explanation about the song and maybe you would like to say it again...?" Rikki asks.

"What did I say then?" Chris looks up at the ceiling to try and remember.  
"You said something...why you did it and why people always use the crucifix symbol like fashion models- " Rikki starts.

"Yea mostly like fashion models... but sometimes rock stars where you see them in a centerfold, layed out like....you know... like a Christ figure and being... persecuted by... mostly being in a higher tax bracket I guess, " Chris says as he stretches his arms out and leans back on the couch which makes me laugh and Kim laughs too.

"But yea it just got kinda irritating..." Chris continues.  
"Didn't you get some kinda flack for this?" Rikki asks.

"Um... it..it wasn't like a situation where we got into any kind of trouble or anything but it didn't get a whole lot of airplay either which we really didn't expect but we just wanted to put the most 'Soundgarden' foot forward,"  
"Alright well lets cut to that now... here is Soundgarden with Jesus Christ Pose," Rikki says and they cut to the video.

"Alright... we're back with Kim and Chris of Soundgarden and that was Jesus Christ Pose... now I hear a lot of people really digging the record and it seems like a lot of people are begining to play 'Outshined' a lot,"Rikki says

"Yea it seems like they have," Chris says.  
"Is it possible that that's going to be the next video?"  
" Uh we're going to do a video for that uh..today," Chris smiles  
"Really..?"  
"Yea,"  
"Can you give us any kind of hints?"   
"All I can really say is.. I have no idea," Chris says

"Well ok... do you guys normally go in with a direction for what you wanna do?" Rikki asks.  
"Yea we always do and it never comes out that way so yea... we'll come back and let you know," Chris says.

"This may be a dumb question but, it wouldn't be the first time I asked one... Slaves and Bulldozers is my favourite song on the record.. um.. are you doing all the vocals on that? cause if you are there's one part where the vocals are real low and it sounds like somebody else..." Rikki asks.

"It's me... it's a trick,' Chris smirks.  
"Oh cool... which song stands out to you on the record?"  
"Slaves and Bulldozers... pretty much... yea a lot of people seem to like that one,"Kim says.  
"I always think of our albums as... albums instead of picking out certain songs. We always try to shoot for an hour of music instead of a couple of lead tracks and then a B-side you know..."Chris adds.

"kinda something you can just put on and let it play," Rikki says  
"Yea! exactly" Chris says.  
"We think of it as 12 singles on an album... it's the heavy metal white album!' Kim smiles

"Now..its definitely a powerful record... like really heavy...how does this one differ from your last one... in terms of sound," Rikki asks.  
"Well it was an Alternative album," Kim says  
"See that's what people were referring to you guys as -" Rikki starts.  
"Aren't we?" Chris asks.  
"Well thats what they're saying but I try not to label bands... but uh the albums doing really well..."  
"Yea it's doing well..."Chris says.  
"So with this are you guys gaining a much Larder audience..?" Rikki says as he mistakes Larger for Larder and Kim and Chris crack up laughing.   
"Larder?" Kim laughs.  
"Larger... wait did I say Larder?"  
"Yea we're getting a larder audience... all our fans were skinny but now but now we got these big guys now..." Kim laughs as he puffs his smoke and I crack up watching them as Chris laughs.   
"Well how it works is you have a delicious shake for breakfast another one for lunch and then go see a Soundgarden show and have a sensible dinner..." Chris says sarcastically.  
"So Soundgarden burns calories?"   
"We do," Kim laughs.  
"And then they stick their Badmotorfinger down their throat," Chris adds and I crack up as Kim laughs even more.

"So when bands have a new record they usually go out with bigger bands so... are you guys heading out with anyone in particular?" Rikki asks.  
"Uh yea we're uh heading out on the Guns N Roses tour which is really great... really great to go out on..." Chris says.  
Are you guys doing any club dates before then?"  
"Uh we're doing a few but...not many," Chris says.  
"Now are you seeing a big cross section of Soundgarden fans now like can you tell the old fans from the new ones that just got into you with this record?" Rikki asks.

"I hate to say it but yea.. you can," Kim says flatly.  
"You can?" Chris asks Kim in all seriousness.  
"Oh.. no" Kim smirks and puffs his smoke and Chris turns away laughing with Rikki.

"Well... Thanks guys for coming in, Kim... Chris... right now we're gonna check out some more videos, here's Pantera's Cowboys from Hell, here on Headbanger's Ball...." Rikki says to the camera and they cut to the video.

"Awesome guys thaks for coming in..." Rikki says as they all stand up and shake hands and converse with a little small talk as they say good-bye, then Kim and Chris walk down off the stage and towards me. Chris quickly reaches into his pocket and light up a smoke, then walks up to me, reaches for my hand and laces his fingers through mine as we head back to the 'green room'. I think Chris could tell I was nervous as my face still revealed a shade of tomato red.

"You ok babe? " He asks as we walk down the hall, his heavy footsteps of his Doc Martens echoing against the walls.  
"Yea... I just wasn't prepared for Rikki mentioning anything about me or our wedding..." I say shyly, my hand still in his.  
"Yea I know but he was respectful about it though... it wasn't like he asked for details or anything... which that would've been weird," Chris says as he takes a drag and exhales smoothly.  
"Yea.... that's true," I say as we continue our walk behind Kim.

"Those Larder fans though.... that's where the real gossip is..." Kim says as he exhales his smoke and Chris and I laugh. We arrive back in the 'green room' and hang out for a few minutes as Kim was still hungry and wanted more food, then we head back to the tour bus to check into our hotel before we head out for the guys to shoot the video for 'Oustshined'.


	52. Outshined

Los Angeles California,   
September 13, 1991

It was later on that morning and Chris and I had just checked into the hotel before we were to meet the guys downstairs in the lobby to head to an abandoned steel foundry just outside of Los Angeles to shoot the video for 'Outshined'. We dropped our luggage off in the room and immediately headed down into the lobby. Chris and I waited a few minutes but Kim, Matt and Ben still hadn't come down yet so we went into the dining room where the bar was to have a drink while we wait. Chris orders himself a beer and a Jack and Coke for me as we sit down at the bar together, and face each other in the swivel chairs.

"I'm surprised Kim hasn't come down yet," I say as I take a sip.

"Yea... he's usually the first one down here," Chris says and takes a sip of his beer and reaches out to touch my thigh, feeling my skin through the ripped part of my jeans. I just love it when he touches me no matter where we are.

"So do you have anything else to do after the shoot?" I ask.

"Nope... I'm all yours babe," Chris smiles at me with the most adorable look on his face and all I wanted to do was go back up into the hotel room with him, climb into bed and never leave. But, that would be selfish and unproductive, though I could think of all the fun things we could be doing in that bed... ok I need to contol myself.

"Ok so I was going to suprise you after but I should just tell you now," Chris says as he takes a sip, flips his curls out of his face and reaches into the side pocket of his black baggy shorts.

"What?" I ask skeptically as he pulls out an envelope.

"Here," He says as he hands the envelope to me and takes a sip of his beer. I take the envelope from him and raise my eyebrow at him.

"Open it," He says with a smirk, looking like he's trying to hide something. I give him a quisical look and open the envelope.

"Holy Shit...! No... no way...!" I say as I pull out 2 tickets with backstage passes to meet and greet Pantera tonight at The Whiskey A-Go Go.

"Yes way," He smiles at me.

"Chris... what the hell?" I say as I try to hide myself tearing up.

"Well since you took me to Behemoth on our first date, I figured I would take you to see Pantera since I know how much you love them and I know you love Dime since you talk to me about how he plays when you blast it in the truck," Chris says as he looks at me with his beautiful blue eyes.

"Oh my God Chris... I love you," I say a little teary eyed as I get up off my chair, wrap my arms around his neck and crash my lips to his. I could care less that we were at a bar right now, I just needed his lips on mine. He giggles a little with his lips against mine and I start to suck his beautiful pouty bottom lip while his hands move to my hips and then up under my Ramones band shirt, to my back, his fingers gently skipping over my skin. As our lips move together as one, I completley lost myself in the feeling of him, forgetting that we were in the bar of the hotel.

"Feel like coming up for air soon?" I hear Kim say, and I jump, breaking away from Chris and touching my fingers to my lips, remembering his on mine just moments before.

"Fuck man," Chris chuckles, startled himself, as he looks at Kim.  
"You ready?" Kim smirks.  
"Yea we're ready," Chris says as he looks back at me. Kim turns and walks towards the lobby entrance and I reach in my pocket and throw the bartender a tip as Chris takes my hand and we head out of the hotel.

•••

".... Chris! ok... give me more energy... give me some aggressiveness ok?!" Matt Mahurin, the director calls to Chris from behind the camera.   
The set for Outshined was fucking amazing, there was sand everywhere but we were in a steel foundry with tons of barrels and just fire everywhere. At one point Chris was hanging from a chain ladder swinging with the sparks flying and the wind blowing, Chris just looked so god damn good.

Right now, Matt was shooting the last parts of the whole band with Matt up on a drum riser, Ben and Kim just looking so cool and Chris running around, whipping his hair everywhere and doing his famous Cornell stomp. Yes I call it that and he hates it but I don't care, I love it when he does that.

"... ok in 5, 4, 3..." Matt calls out and then cues up the music and Chris does his thing. It was really cool to see how the video was getting filmed.

After about another hour, Matt got all of the footage he needed for the video so Chris and the guys were good to head out. Chris wanted to go back to the hotel room for a little bit before we head out to see Pantera, which I am super excited for.

We arrive back at the hotel and head upstairs to our room. As soon as Chris gets through the door, he kicks off his boots, lifts his black 90 shirt up over his head while his beautiful curls fall down around his shoulders and tosses his shirt onto the chair.

"I'm just going to take a quick shower... I think I have sand in places I shouldn't have sand," He says and I giggle as he turns to face me, taking his wrist cuffs off and setting them on the side table.   
"Ok," I say as he walks up to me and places a quick kiss on my lips. He then heads into the bathroom and turns on the shower for the water to get warm. I lay myself down on the bed for a few minutes as he leaves the door open just enough for me to see him examining himself in the mirror. Without even realizing it, I watch him as he continues to look in the mirror. His perfectly toned chest flexing a little as he begins to unbuckle his belt, his hair falling from his shoulders covering his face in which he flips his curls out of the way to see. He catches me watching him and raises his eyebrow at me.

"Enjoying the view?" He says smoothly.

"Maybe," I smirk.

" Want to join me?" He asks and I shrug as I bite my bottom lip.

"Come in with me," He smiles as he opens the door further and nods towards the shower, letting his shorts drop to the floor at his feet. I get up from the bed and take off my clothes slowly and teasingly as Chris watches me. I walk towards him and close the bathroom door behind me as he jumps into the shower first, the water instantly washing over him. I jump in after him as he turns to face me, leans into me and places his lips so gently on mine. After lingering on my lips for a few moments he pulls away and touches his forehead to mine, the water washing over both of us.

"This is the best part of my day, right here... with you," Chris says so sweetly, his eyes closed as he places his hands on my hips and pulls me into him, his chest pressed against mine as the water continues to wash over us.

"I love you so much Chris..." I exhale as I close my eyes, feeling his body pressed to mine.

"To the stars baby..." He says and he presses his lips to mine.


	53. The Whiskey

The Whiskey A-Go Go Los Angeles California,   
September 13, 1991

It was later on in the evening and Chris and I were getting ready to head to The Whiskey to see Pantera. I was so freaking excited that I was having a hard time deciding what to wear. I know for sure I want to wear my new Pantera shirt but I want to look extra sexy for Chris and couldn't decide on what to go with my shirt. I had modified the shirt just like I do with my other ones but I decided to make some last minute modifications to it. I cut the collar a bit lower, but just enough that I didn't ruin the graphic on the front and I decide to tie up the laces I made at the back a little more snug so that it hugged me a little more and revealed a little bit of my torso. Now I normally don't do that but I as I looked at myself in the full length mirror, I actually could pull it off without looking horrible. I also decide to go with my black distressed ripped leggings and went with my new oxblood red Doc Martens.

I threw my hair up in my ususal messy bun with some stray curls escaping, finished my make up fairly quickly and reached into my bag to spritz some of my favourite perfume.

"Chris...?"  
"Yea...?" He calls from the bathroom.   
"Have you seen my... studded bracelet thingy...?" I say as I search my bag.  
"No babe... just give me a minute here," He calls and as soon as he says that I find it.

"Nevermind I got it," I say and I hear him laugh. I smirk as I put on my wrist cuff and walk over to the bathroom to see Chris in his Doc Martens, black jeans with his leather belt, his black wristcuffs but still shirtless with a towel as he shaves his face, and trims his beard. His smal silver hoop earrings, slightly poking through his long curls, shone in the bathroom light as he leans in closer to the mirror, making sure there were no mistakes. I stand and lean against the door frame watching him as he shaves. He rinses his razor under the running water, turns off the tap and dabs his freshly shaven face with the towel, removing the leftover shaving cream.

"You almost ready?" I ask as he turns and looks at me up and down noticing just what I was wearing.  
"Uh... huh," He says slowly as he hangs up the towel not taking his eyes off of me.

"What...? Do I look ok?" I ask a little worried and look down at myself.

"Oh... you look more than ok... damn..." He says as I look back up at him to see him looking like he's trying to not attack me. I smirk as I walk away from the door frame and he follows behind me and wraps his arms around my waist as his lips graze the back of my neck. I laugh as his beard tickles me and he giggles with his lips against my skin.

"Ok... ok, Chris... we have to get outta here," I laugh as I turn around in his arms to face him. He presses his lips to mine as I lace my fingers through his curls and slowly suck his perfect bottom lip.   
"Ok," He groans when he breaks away from me and touches his forehead to mine. He holds me for a few moments, then places a quick kiss on my forehead, breaks away from me to put on his plain black muscle tank.

"Alright babe... ready?" He asks as he grabs the tickets and the hotel key from the small table beside the door.  
"I am so fucking ready!" I say excitedly as he smiles at me and we head out the door.

...

We arrive at The Whiskey a little bit early which was perfect for us to get a good spot towards the front of the stage. Chris hands the tickets to the bouncer at the door, he stamps our hands and then Chris leads me inside.

As Chris takes my hand, he leads me through the small crowd that had started to form and up to the bar to grab a drink. He orders me a Jack and Coke and a beer for himself as I look towards the stage to see some of Pantera's roadies testing out the equipment before the show starts.

" Hey you're Chris... Chris Cornell right?" A young tall dark haired guy, who looked to be around my age, says to him as Chris finished ordering our drinks  
"Uh... yes, yes I am," Chris smiles.  
"Fuck this is awesome! I love what you guys do... your music is amazing man! I just wanted to say that. You have no idea what your music means to me," The kid smiles wide eyed at him.

"Thank -you," Chris smiles a little shyly at him.  
"I had no idea you were a Pantera fan, this is so freaking cool!" The kid smiles.

"Uh yea... I got tickets for my wife here... she loves them... what's you're name?" Chris asks as I turn to see them conversing.   
"My name's Jon... fuck this is so freaking cool!" Jon smiles.

"Well Jon, nice to meet you... this is my wife Andi," Chris says as he shakes Jon's hand and then looks at me and I feel so weirdly shy but this kid was really sweet though.

"Hi," I say shyly as Chris puts his arm around my waist.  
"Hi.. I didn't interrupt a date or anything did I?" Jon asks worriedly

"No it's ok," I re-assure him and I feel Chris smile at me.

"Ok cool.... um... I'm gonna head back to my spot but... um... it was so cool to finally meet you... thank you man," He says and Chris shakes his hand again.

"Well, you're welcome... thank you," Chris says sweetly.  
"No, thank you," Jon smiles and turns to disappear into the increasing crowd.

"That was so sweet," I say as I look up at Chris.  
"What was?"Chris asks as he takes a sip of his beer.  
"That... you... you're just so sweet," I say as I look up at him. He smiles shyly back at me as I lift myself up and place a kiss on his cheek.


	54. Cowboys From Hell

The Whiskey A-Go Go Los Angeles California,   
September 13, 1991

As Chris and I stand by the bar, I notice more people coming into The Whiskey and I didn't want to get lost in the crowd.   
"Babe... come with me..." Chris says as he takes my hand and leads me closer towards the stage. I take a sip of my drink as we find a perfect spot and I was able to see everything. Suddenly the lights go down and the crowd starts cheering.  
"Oh my god... no way!" I yell as I see Rex, Vinny, Phil and Dime come out. My heart started to pound as I squeezed Chris's hand. I feel him look down at me as he smiles and as soon as the opening riff to 'Domination' starts, I couldn't contain it. I just lost my shit and screamed my face off as Chris laughed and yelled with me too. As the famous breakdown part in the middle began to take over, the heaviness mixed with Dime's groove and unbelievable playing sent electricity through my entire being. It was like I was transported to another world where I could just be one with the music.

I threw my hands up in the air and screamed as they immediately went into 'Primal Concrete Sledge' and I swear it was the most intense fucking feeling of anger, aggression, lust, hate, sex... just all a big ball meshed into one. I could feel Chris's hand on my lower back as I threw up the devil sign just losing my shit completely and loving every single second.

"Come and be with me!  
Live my twisted dream!  
Pro devoted pledge!  
Time for Promal Concrete Sledge!!!!"

I screamed along with Phil and Chris laughed and smiled at me, watching me get so pumped up by them. He's never seen me like this before. When we saw Behemoth, I was so nervous with Chris cause that was our first date and I didn't know if he would think it was weird if I just let go and go mental. Pantera though.... Oh my god I couldn't contain it.

".... alright! You guys wanna hear some new shit!?" Phil screams into the mic and we all scream back at him.  
"Alright...! I think it's about time to Walk On Home!!!!" He screams and Dime starts with the opening riff to 'Walk' and I almost couldn't take it. 

"Can't you see I'm easily bothered by persistence!  
One step from lashing out at you!  
You want in to get under my skin!  
And call yourself a friend!  
I've got more friends like you  
What do I do!?"

"... RE!... SPECT!... WALK! WHAT DO YOU SAY!?"

I turned around to face Chris and couldn't help myself from jumping up and down, so fucking excitedly. Chris clearly looked like he wanted to get into the pit but was afraid to leave me by myself. Instead, he leaned down to me and pressed his lips to my neck which sent even more shivers all over my body. I then wrapped my arms around his shoulders as he moved his lips to mine. I hungrily moved my lips with his, lacing my fingers through his perfect curls, sucking his irrisistable bottom lip, his hands moving to my hips and up my back , under my shirt, pressing his body to mine, all the while the crowd screamed all around us. It was all I could do to not drag him off somewhere and fuck him like crazy. 

"...This next song is called Fucking Hostile...! 1,2,3,4!!!!" Phil screams into the mic and I break my lips away from Chris, jump up and down, throwing my arms straight up in the air like a crazy person as I scream which makes Chris laugh histerically.

"Almost every day!  
I see the same face!  
On broken picture tube!  
It fits the attitude!  
If you could see yourself!  
You put you on a shelf!  
Your verbal masturbate!  
Promise to nauseate!" 

"To see! To bleed! cannot be taught! In turn! You're making us! FUCKING HOSTILE!!!!" I scream out as I turn to face the stage and see Phil pointing the mic at the crowd for us to scream it out with him. I swear, I never want this to end. Fuck candy, flowers and all that sappy shit... just give me METAL!!!


	55. 5 Minutes Alone

The Whiskey A-Go Go, Backstage   
September 13, 1991

"Holy fuck that was so fucking amazing!" I exclaim as the lights came back up and the whole crowd was still cheering.

"Let's uh... head to the side doors over here..." Chris says as he takes my hand in his and leads me through the crowd of people trying to head out of The Whiskey.

"Chris... I thought there was a meet and greet... thing... after, " I say confused as I look up at him.

"Trust me," Chris says and leads me over to the side doors where the backstage part was. He leads us up to a couple of guys at the side door and I continued to look around behind me as everyone headed towards the front doors. I couldn't really hear what Chris was saying as people were still pretty loud.

"Andi... c'mon," Chris says as he pulls at my hand to grab my attention. I turn and look up at Chris and see him smirk at me so cutely.

"Where are we going?" I ask confused. He leads me through the side door and we walk down the long corridor, his fingers laced through mine as I lean into him holding onto his smooth toned bicep. I was so nervous and though I had an idea of where we were going, I just wondered why it was only me and Chris walking down the hallway.

We reach a door at the end of the hallway that had a paper tapped to the door that read 'Pantera'. I look up at Chris as he knocks on the door and my heart started pounding. There was no way they would just let us in, would they?

"Hey Chris! how the fuck are you?!"

Phil Anselmo opens the door with the biggest smile on his face and I had no idea what the fuck was happening. How did Chris know Phil? When did this happen and where the hell was I when it did? And Phil is wearing a Soundgarden t-Shirt? How fucking cool is that?

"Good, good how are you?" Chris smiles and shakes his hand while he still held onto mine. I squeezed his hand so tightly and Chris glanced down at me as I lean into him almost trying to hide behind his shoulder. I was so nervous and shy, it's one thing just to have a meet and greet pass where you see them at a table and you get them to sign stuff or whatever and say 'Hi' really quickly and move on but this... this was totally different.

"Awesome, man... come on in," Phil smiles and I follow Chris through the door.

"And you're Andi, I assume?" Phil says so sweetly to me.  
"Uh yea...." I smile shyly and try to compose myself.   
"Well, nice to meet you sweetie," He smiles at me and I smile shyly back.

"Yo, Chris... Drink?" Darrell 'Dimebag' Abbot calls from the other side of the room.  
"Sure" He says as Dime walks over to us with the drinks in his hands and hands him what looked like a Jack and Coke.

"Here sweetie... Chris mentioned you love Jack and Coke," Dime says so sweetly to me as he hands me the drink and I feel like I'm about to burst but I'm trying really hard not to fangirl all over him. I am still so confused at what's going on here but my nervousness and excitement took over and I completely forgot what the hell was happening.  
"Thank you," I say so shyly and take the drink from him. He smiles so sweetly at me, his wild hair all about him and wearing the most awesome White Zombie shirt I've ever seen.

"I was actually looking for that same shirt, but I haven't been able to find it anywhere," I say to Dime trying to overcome my shyness but I couldn't think of what to start with. Fuck, was that stupid of me to say? Oh god I hate it when I'm scared and can't come up with anything.   
"Oh yea, I found it somewhere in a thrift store when we were on tour, I think it was in Seattle or somethin'.... Lost Loves... maybe," Dime says as he furrows his brow. Are you kidding me? he found it there? Now I wish I still worked there, it would've been so cool to see him come into the store, damn it.

"Andi used to work at that store," Chris says as he takes a sip of his drink.  
"Really....?" Dime smiles at me.  
"Uh, yea.... but... that was like... a long time ago now... " I trail off. I didn't really want to talk about the store. I take a sip of the drink that Dime made me and holy jeezus fuck, it was strong. I think it was all Jack and a drop of Coke.

"Sorry darlin', did I make it a little to much for you?" Dime says with a worried look as he noticed my flinching face.  
"No, no... it's fine I just wasn't expecting it," I say and take another sip, slowly this time though.  
"Well, come on over have a seat..." Dime smiles at the both of us and I glance at Chris, squeeze his hand as Chris places a kiss on my temple.

"So Chris was telling me you are a huge fan," Dime says as we all sit down on the couches. Chris sits down in the corner of the couch while I sit down beside him. Dime sits on the opposite side in one of the large chairs with his leg resting across his knee just like Chris. Rex and Phil were on one couch sharing a joint and talking to a few other people who were in the room. Vinny was on a chair with a girl on his lap, obviously having an awesome time with her.

"Um... yea... I mean," I say shyly as I look up at Chris and gesture to my shirt as he begins to puff on a smoke, and then back to Dime and they laugh a little.

"She was just going crazy out there... it was awesome to see, you guys definitley put on an awesome show," Chris says as he sets his drink down on the table.

"I couldn't help it... it was so fucking amazing... and I just love what you do... I had never heard anyone play the way that you do... at the end of 'Cemetery Gates' when you make your guitar scream like that... it's so freaking amazing... I can't explain it...just all the feels... ugh i love it!" I started to gush to Dime as he looks at me and I couldn't help it. I then immediately regretted doing that and shyly look away and down at myself.

Oh god please don't think I'm a groupie

"Thank you," Dime says so sweetly to me.

We continue to converse with each other for a little while , but it was mostly Chris and Dime talking, which was totally fine with me. Dime told Chris at how much a fan he was of Soundgarden and Chris was so adorably shy accepting the compliment.

"Dude... Rusty Cage is so fucking awesome... like this weird fast Sabbath thing you guys did on that track... and then towards the end it sounds like a completley different song... fuckin' killer dude," Dime says as he takes a drink.

"Thanks," Chris smiles shyly and turns to look at me. I smirk back at him as he places his arm on the back of the couch around me and pulls me a little closer into him. I still can't believe I'm sitting here with Pantera, like what the fucking hell?! 

"Man, we should get together after the show we're doing with you guys next week, and have some drinks," Dime says and takes the last sip of his Jack and Coke.

"Sounds good," Chris smiles as Dime gets up from the chair.

"You guys ok for drinks?" He asks as both Chris and I nod and he heads off to the mini fridge for another.

"You didn't tell me you were playing with them next week... What the hell? that's such a big deal babe," I say to Chris as I take a sip of my drink.

"I wanted to suprise you... I know how much you love them so... That's how I got the tickets... I just asked Phil if he could make it look like I bought the tickets for you, when really he invited us here to hang out after," Chris says as he looks at me with those beautiful blue eyes.

"I love you... so fucking much..." I say as I lean into him and place a kiss on his temple.  
"I know," Chris smirks and I laugh, not wanting this to ever end.


	56. New Year New... Me?

Seattle Washington,   
January 12, 1992

The holidays were tough. Probably one of the worst times I've ever had to get through. I didn't speak to anyone from my family, if that's what you would call them. They never reached out to me at all. It feels like ever since my mother died, the only family I have is Chris. It's not like Christmas was ever a big deal in my family but I didn't expect to be completley forgotten about. It truly is what they say; When someone dies, you find out just who people really are inside. Chris helped make the best of it though.

We spent Christmas eve here at home for the first time as husband and wife and it was everything I could've ever asked for. He picked up a small tree and we spent Christmas eve decorating it horribly by the way. Chris forgot to pick up decorations so we ended up decorating it with some of my spare band patches, and some photos of us among other miscelaneous items. It was definitely one heavy metal Christmas tree.

We then sat in front of the fireplace and while I drank wine of all things, he serenaded me like he usually does with his beautiful cherry burst Gibson. He knows exactly how to get me out of a funk every time. 

Kim and Chris were downstairs in the studio just hanging out and jamming together while I was in the kitchen making some drinks. I could hear them laughing and cracking their normal sarcastic jokes with each other and it was hilarious to hear them.

I finish making my drink, Jack straight up over ice, grab two beers from the fridge and walk out of the kitchen into the living room to head to the studio in the basement. I take a sip of my drink and glance over at the fireplace mantel and see the Urn with my mother sitting on top with flowers I had placed on either side. It had taken me a long time to be able to place her there. For the longest time I had her sitting in that small luggage bag I brought her home in. Then I realized she would probably be saying to me 'Andrea, don't you think it's time to change me out of this thing? I can't sit here forever'... so I did.

I miss her every single day. I can still hear her voice inside my head sometimes.

"Hey mom," I say quietly as I touch the urn gently and walk passed the mantel on my way to the studio downstairs.

"...yea I think Cameron wants to go with Birth Ritual for sure but how the hell are we supposed to film that?"

I hear Kim and Chris talking as I reach the bottom of the stairs, drinks in hand for all of us. Chris sat across from Kim on his usual swivel chair, his cherry burst Gibson across his lap, his long curls fallen in his face as he picks at the strings.

"Yea, I know... but we said we'd do it," Chris says as he continues to look at his hands while playing.

"Hey Andi," Kim smiles at me as I walk into the room.  
"Hey... I brought you a gift," I smile back as I hold a beer out for him to take.  
"Sweet... The best gift I could ask for," Kim smiles as he sets his Gibson Firebird down and leans it against the desk. He takes the beer from me and takes a sip.

"Hi baby," Chris smiles and flips his curls out of his face as I hand him his beer.  
"Hey... I didn't interrupt anything did I?" I ask as I take a sip of my drink.

"No... we we're just talking about the uh, movie Cameron is still filming right now... he wants us to do a scene or something... I can't remember," Chris says.

"Yea... which we're somehow supposed to fit it in tomorrow but I don't know how that's going to work..." Kim says.

When we got back from California after the Pantera Concert, Chris and the guys were asked to do some small cameos for him. It was Cameron's first feature film that he was completely writing, directing and producing all himself. I wasn't familiar with his earlier work but I do remember that movie 'Say Anything' that he directed. I've just never seen it.

"It's just a small scene though... it wont take much time at all really... we just play at a club...oooooh as if we've never done that before," Chris says sarcastically to Kim as I laugh.

"Well whatever..." Kim smirks.

I hang out with Kim and Chris in the studio for a little bit and then Kim decides he needs to get back home to prepare for the scene that they were supposed to film tomorrow, when really he was just supposed to go and meet Ben for some drinks downtown. Kim is so weird sometimes.

I make myself another Jack straight up over ice and sit down on the studio floor crosslegged in front of Chris, with scraps of song ideas and lyrics strewn all over the floor around his chair. He turns from the desk and smirks at me as I sip my drink on the floor.

"You know you can sit on the stool right there right?" He laughs as he points to the stool where Kim was sitting in before.  
"Uh huh," I say and take another sip. He smirks and shakes his head a little at me.   
"You're cute," He smiles at me and I shrug my shoulders as I hold the drink in my lap.

"You ok?" He asks me after a few minutes, his expression concerned. I continue to look at my drink and take another sip, then turn my attention to the scraps of paper in front of him.

"You working on something?" I ask avoiding his question. Truth is I'm feeling the sadness of missing my mother again, but I don't want to talk about it.

"Uh... yea... kinda... Just stuff for fun really," He says as he looks at me on the floor in front of him. I notice on of the pieces of paper he was scribbling on and I pick it up to read it.

"Jeff came up with some song titles for Cameron's film and I kinda just went with it" Chris says as he continues to watch me as I read.

"I like it," I say quietly as I continue to read his lyrics.

"You want to hear it?" Chris asks me so sweetly. I nod as I look up at him, his blue eyes catching mine, instantly making me feel a little better without him even knowing it. He smiles at me and gets up off of his chair, grabs his acoustic and sits down crosslegged in front of me, laying his guitar across his lap. He glances down at the paper then turns to look at his hands as he begins to play this dark haunting melody that instantly gave me chills.

"Summer nights and long warm days   
Are stolen as the old moon falls   
And My mirror shows another face   
Another place to hide it all   
Another place to hide it all

And I'm lost, behind   
The words I'll never find   
And I'm left behind   
As seasons roll on by

Sleeping with a full moon blanket   
Sand and feathers for my head   
Dreams have never been the answer   
And dreams have never made my bed   
Dreams have never made my bed

And I'm lost, behind   
The words I'll never find   
And I'm left behind   
As seasons roll on by

Now I want to fly above the storm   
But you can't grow feathers in the rain   
And the naked floor is cold as hell   
The naked floor reminds me   
Oh the naked floor reminds me

That I'm lost, behind   
The words I'll never find   
And I'm left behind   
As the seasons roll on by"

The sound of his voice is pure heaven, sending chills all over my body. His ability to send me to a completley other universe with his words is the most incredible thing he could ever do for me. The entire time he is singing to me his eyes remain closed as he continues with the beautiful haunting melody that flows from his fingertips.

"If I should be short on words   
And long on things to say   
Could you crawl into my world   
And take me worlds away   
Should I be beside myself   
And not even stay

And I'm lost, behind   
The Words I'll never find   
And I'm left behind   
As seasons roll on by"

He slowly opens his eyes to look at me. I lift myself up on my knees and move closer to him, and press my lips to his. I lace my fingers through his hair as he moves his guitar off of his lap and moves his hands to my hips and up my back under my shirt. He uncrosses his legs as I move myself closer to him. I move my hands from his hair and break away from his lips to wrap my arms around him and bury my face in his shoulder trying not to breakdown and cry.

"Andi...?" He questions quietly slightly worried.

"I just want you to hold me," I say with my voice slightly muffled by his sweater. I feel his arms wrap around me in the most comforting hug I could ever ask for. After a few moments I am able to break myself away from him as he searches to meet my eyes. I wipe away a few tears that suddenly found their way down my cheeks.

"I love you," I say with a giggle trying to hide my sadness but feeling so much love for him in that moment at the same time.

"To the stars baby..." He smiles at me as he cups my face in his hands and touches his forehead to mine.

"I have no idea how you are able to make me feel this way," I say as I close my eyes.  
"I love that I can make you feel this way.... well I wasn't intending on making you cry... that I don't like doing..." Chris smirks and I laugh.

"You didn't make me cry... I'm just... over emotional I guess," I giggle.  
"Nah... you're just beautiful," He smiles at me.  
"Chris stop..." I tap his chest and he laughs. 

"So I had an idea for when we head out with Guns..." Chris says after a few moments as he moves his forehead from mine and takes my hand in his.  
"What's that?" I ask as I look down at his hand holding mine.

"Well... Susan was looking for a Personal Assistant for us, though I told her we don't need one at all. I mean I can do stuff on my own and the rest of the guys are perfectly capable of doing stuff on their own..." Chris says as he still looks at my hand in his.

"Ok...?" I say skeptically.

"Well... instead of trying to find someone that would probably be annoying or a hardass or just someone we may not get along with... and since you sort of have experience in business and well you definitley have the experience by just being around us..."

I look at Chris raising my eyebrow at him.

"Would you, maybe, want to be our P.A? I mean, the guys love you and I definitely love you... and we trust you more than anyone else..." He says as he looks into my eyes, bringing my hand up to his lips and softly placing sweet kisses on my skin.   
"Sure," I say as I look at him. A smile slowly spreads across his beautiful face and he immediately looks relieved that I didn't even hesitate for one second.

"What would I have to do?" I ask

"Um... well we would have to go and meet up with Susan so she could go over the details with you but it's no big deal," Chris says as he places another kiss on the back of my hand.

Susan? I have to meet with Susan? Of all the things he could say to me, that was one that definitely makes my anxiety ruffle a bit. I've been doing a pretty good job at avoiding her at all costs when it came to business stuff with the band. Susan was a very strong woman and knew how to get things done. The last time I had seen her was when Chris and I were still just dating and Jason was still in the band. I just always felt very intimidated by her.

"Alright... sure," I say a little nervously but attempt to hide it as best I can.  
"Cool, so we'll just stop by her office tomorrow before filming and she'll go over the basics with you," Chris says as he places a kiss on my forehead.

"Wait what? tomorrow?"

My heart suddenly started to pound

"Well yea... we leave in 3 days babe," Chris says.

Oh this is going to be fun.


	57. Time For A little P.A

Seattle Washington,   
January 13, 1992

"What have you got to be nervous about?" Chris looks over at me from the drivers side of his pick up. I look down at myself and smooth out my high waisted flowy knee length skull patterned skirt, making sure my plain black longsleeve shirt was still tucked in.   
"I don't know... I can't help it" I say.

"You'll be fine... You didn't have to bring your resume you know..." He says as he looks back out the windshield as we make our way to Susan Silver's office.   
"Well... I just want to make a good impression and I want her to take me seriously. I don't want it to look like I asked you to get me the job..." I say as I flip through the black folder I held in my hand.  
"Babe it won't look like that... don't worry," He turns and looks at me with the cutest smile on his face and I smirk back at him as he takes my hand and places his soft lips to my skin.

We pull up to the curb just outside her office and Chris hops out of his side of the truck. I can't help but watch him as he walks around to my side, his curls flowing in the cool breeze as he zips up his leather jacket. It may have still been January but it was oddly warmer than normal and we still didn't even have snow yet. Oh the joys of living on the west coast.

He reaches my side and opens the passenger door to help me out of the truck. He chuckles a little as I gracefully hop down, my lacy black open toed heel wedges making that clicking sound as I touch the concrete below.

I quickly grab the black folder off of the seat and he closes the passenger door for me and just as I move to head up to the door, he takes my hand and stops me.   
"Wait," He says and I turn to look at him.  
"What?" I ask as I look up at him. He pulls me back to him and leans down to me.  
"You look so beautiful baby," He says quietly in my ear and places a soft kiss against my earlobe. I smile and close my eyes to inhale his cologne mixed with smoke and his leather jacket, giving me chills all up and down my spine.   
"Thank you," I say quietly as I place my hand on his chest. He gives me another quick kiss on my temple as we turn and walk up to the front door of the building and head inside.

"Hi, Chris how are you?" A young blonde receptionist smiles as we walk up to her desk.  
"Hi, Nina... is Susan in her office?" Chris asks and I suddenly feel a little weird.  
"She sure is... you can head back there if you like," The blonde smiles sweetly at him.   
"Sweet... thanks," Chris smiles back and leads me down the hall to Sunsan's office. As we approach the slightly open door of her office, Chris taps on the door to get her attention.

"Hi Chris... come on in," She smiles at him and I instantly feel out of place. But I need to be confident here so I take in a deep breath and follow Chris inside.  
"Oh, hi... Andi... it's Andi right?" she asks as she sees me come out from behind Chris.  
"Uh, yes," I smile back mustering as much confidence as I can.

"So what brings you here?" Susan asks as she shuffles some papers around on her desk.  
"Well about that idea of hiring a personal Assistant for us ... I think we might want to take you up on that offer," Chris says getting right to the point which caught me off guard a little.

"Well... of course, I knew you would come around to the idea of it eventually... I had a few people in mind for you actually, I uh-"  
"What about Andi?" Chris cuts her off.

"What?" Susan looks up at him a little in disbelief. Chris turns glances at me and flashes me a smile though I suddenly felt 2 feet tall. Susan looks back and forth between Chris and I and I could tell she wasn't convinced that I could do a job like this, but I was determined to set a good impression.  
"Uh... Chris, I think I got it from here..." I say as I look up at him and tap him sweetly on his chest.

"Chris mentioned you were looking for a P.A for the band and so I would like to apply for the job," I say to Susan with as much confidence as I had.  
"Alright uh... well, Chris... if you could step outside there and I'll just go over some stuff with her?" Susan says a little apprehensively.  
"Sure," Chris smiles and give me a quick kiss on my temple and then turns to head out of the office, closing the door and leaving me alone with Susan.

"Alright Andi... have a seat," She says as she gestures to the chair in front of her desk. I grin nervously and sit down in the chair while she shifts some more papers on her desk.

" I uh, brought my resume, if you wanted to take a look at it," I say as I pull out the black folder from under my arm. She looks at me and holds her hand out for me to hand it to her. She opens up the folder and glances over my resume as I sit and wait for her response.

"I see you did attend the University of Seattle for... Business Administration,"   
"Uh, yes," I confirm as I look at the folder on her desk.  
"You didn't graduate though," She says as she turns the page.

"Uh... no but I did take 2 semesters," I say nervously suddenly regretting dropping out.  
"And what happend with Lost Loves?" She says as she continues to read over my resume.

"I uh... quit that too... but in order to take care of my mother, I had to," I say with a lump forming in my throat. It felt like an eternity of sitting there watching her read over my working career over the last few years of my life. She then places my resume back in the black folder and hands it back to me.

"So what makes you want to work as a Personal Assistant?"

I didn't know what to say at first because it wasn't something I initially wanted to do, but I can't say that.

"Well... I have customer service experience , obviously from working at Lost loves and I know the guys pretty well. I pretty much help them when I can anyways so I figured, why not make it a permanant thing?" I say hoping that that was enough to sway her.  
"Are you sure you can handle basically being at the beck and call of Chris and the guys? I mean they are pretty chill anyways but..." Susan looks at me.

" I am positive," I say desperately attempting to convince her. She gives me a little smile and then turns and reaches into her desk drawer and pulls out a folder full of paper.

"Ok... so... you will sign a contract which basically outlines what your job duties are, setting up accomodations for them, making sure they are on time for meetings and interviews, though Chris was always pretty anal about being on time, so I'm sure you wont have a tough time there..." She smirks as she opens the folder and slides it over for me to read.

"You'll obviously have to stay with them in case they need anything, like drinks, food, clothes... but you wont have to worry about that really... you probably do that anyways...with Chris I mean... and uh... under no circumstances do you let anyone know where they are staying... it's highlighted in the contract, just for security," She says and she quickly looks down at her desk as I read through the contract. I look up at Susan for a moment and realize that it must be weird for her too. I mean she used to be with Chris and here I am the one married to him. She then grabs a pen and slides it over for me to sign as I turn to the last page. I quickly scribble my name out and slide the contract back over to her.

"Alright, well... welcome to the team..." She exhales as she stands up from her chair and holds her hand out for me to shake. I stand up slowly and shake her hand as she gives me a half smile.  
"Thank you," I half smile back at her. As I put my copy of the contract back in my folder I turn to head towards her door.

"Oh, and uh.... Congratulations on... your marriage... I don't know if I told Chris that either but..." She says with a smile.  
"Thank you... I'll uh.. I'll let him know," I smile back at her. And with that I head out of her office and exhale the longest breath ever, not even realizing that I was holding it in the first place. I walk down the hallway and out to the reception area to see Chris sitting in one of the waiting chairs, His hair fallen in his face, his leg resting across his knee, flipping through a magazine as he waits for me. He is so damn adorable in his army green shorts wearing his long dark navy blue underwear underneath them. He flips his curls out of his face and looks up to see me walking towards him.

"How'd it go? You get it?" He asks me as he sets the magazine down on the table.  
"Yep," I smile at him.

"Sweet babe... when do you start?" He smiles back at me and places a quick kiss on my lips.  
"When the tour starts... at least that what the contract states. Signing a contract was different but at least she took me seriously," I say as he takes my hand and we walk back out to his truck.

"What makes you think she wouldn't?" Chris asks as he helps me into the passenger side.   
"Well... I just didn't want her to pick me just because I'm married to you," I say as I smooth down my skirt.

"I doubt that would've swayed her decision but... I'm so happy though... now you are my slave..." Chris jokes menacingly as he closes the driver side door.

"Very funny," I laugh as he turns the ignition and we pull away from the curb.


	58. Lights, Camera, Action

Seattle Washington,   
January 13, 1992

Scene 1 - The Off Ramp Cafe

A little while later we arrive on the movie set and the first scene that Chris was shooting was the club scene with the band. It was being filmed at the Off Ramp Cafe which was pretty cool since the guys have played here many times before. Since it was earlier in the day, the place was closed down in order to film the scenes that were to take place in the movie.

We walk into the Off Ramp Cafe and see lots of cameras set up to film the scene that Soundgarden was performing in. There were various stand ins and extras on the set as well filling up the main area in front of the stage.

"Chris! Hey glad you made it!" Cameron Crowe smiles as he walks up to us.  
"Hi... thanks," Chris smiles so cutley and they shake hands.  
"The guys are just backstage so really if you wanted to head back there you can," Cameron says as he pats Chris on the shoulder.  
"Sure..." Chris smiles and Cameron walks away to make sure the filming goes smoothly. Chris takes my hand and we head back stage just like usual and see Kim, Matt and Ben waiting to head up to start.

"Hey guys," Kim smiles at us.  
"Hey man... so... I guess we just wait back here?" Chris asks a little nervously.  
"Uh... we're going up in a few minutes so we basically just perform like we normally do...at least we don't have to act or anything," Kim says. Kim then moves over to me and gives me a hug.

"Hey Andi..." He says so sweetly.  
"Hey," I smile back as he moves away from me.

"Ok guys! you can head on up we're starting the scene in a few minutes," A guy from the camera crew comes back stage and informs them. Chris turns to me and places a quick kiss on my lips as Kim, Matt and Ben head up onstage. Suddenly Chris decides to lift up his shirt over his head and hands it to me as his beautiful curls fall down around him.

"What? It's warm in here..." He smiles slyly at me.  
"Uh huh..." I smirk as I raise my eyebrow at him. He gives me another quick kiss and then heads up on stage.

•••

"....Aaaaand cut! ok that's good for now!" Cameron calls out over the P.A system and everyone cheers. I remained backstage for the entire performance and it was freaking amazing. Chris was crazy up there hanging from the rafters and just full of energy. God damn it I just love it when he does that. The guys head down off the stage while I wait for Chris to hand him his shirt.

"Hey Chris... cool set man," Layne says as soon as Chris reaches me he places another quick kiss on my lips as I hand him his shirt. Alice and Chains were also here to perform for a scene for the movie too. It was the first time I've seen Layne in such a long time.

"Thanks..." Chris says  
"Hey Andi... how are ya?" Layne says so sweetly to me as he gives me a hug.  
"I'm good..." I say as he lets go of me.  
"Well I guess I should go find the rest of the guys..." Layne says as he taps Chris on the shoulder and walks passed us.

"Yea I think they're back in one of the dressing rooms," Chris calls after him.  
"Cool... Oh hey, you still on for getting together to do some recording?" Layne asks as he turns back to face us, walking backwards towards the dressing rooms.  
"Yea, just let me know..." Chris says.  
"Cool..." Layne calls back then turns to head towards the dressing rooms. I look up at Chris a little confused.

"He was working on some stuff and asked me about recording with him... no biggie," Chris says and places a kiss on my forehead.  
"You know as you're P.A... you are supposed to let me know these things," I try to sound serious but I end up breaking my character.

"Oh well... I guess you'll have to punish me then," Chris smirks at me with his eyebrow raised. I smirk at him as I playfully tap his bare chest. He laughs and places another kiss on my temple as we walk out to the main area.

"Hey Chris... that was awesome..." Cameron smiles at him as we walk up to him.  
"Thanks," Chris smiles back as they shake hands.  
"Ok... so head to this location where we'll shoot the last scene, I'll meet you there and I'll let you know the details once we set up, "Cameron says as he hands Chris a paper with the details of the location.  
"Cool," Chris says as he folds up the piece of paper.  
"Alright... see ya in a bit," Cameron smiles and walks off to pack things up as we head out to the truck.

Scene 2 - Coryell Court Apartments

Chris had a bit of time before he was to film his solo scene for the movie, so he wanted to head back home to quickly shower and change into one of his black 90 T-Shirts with his black military pants. I was fine still with what I was wearing so once he was ready, we headed back out to meet everyone at the apartment building where the scene was getting filmed. Once we arrived at the set, I was able to stay off to the side and see exactly how the scene was being shot.

Cameron was so nice as he showed me little tips on how the scene was getting filmed and I was also able to meet Matt Dillon and Bridgette Fonda, since Chris was doing the scene with them.

It was such a short little scene and Chris didn't have to do any acting at all really. Cameron wanted him to be himself through the whole thing. Even though Chris was so shy about it, he was so adorable the whole time.

•••

".... I installed your new stereo," Cliff (Matt Dillon) says to Janet (Bridgette Fonda) as they walk down the steps outside the apartment building.  
"Oh...great," Janet says as she watches Cliff head down to her car. He chuckles to himself as he flips open the trunk of her little hatchback and runs back up smiling to stand beside her. He uses the remote to start the stereo and turns up the volume a bit while the grinding sound of whatever was playing punches through the speakers.

"Yea," Cliff says slyly as Chris then walks out the door of the apartment and heads down the stairs to stand by Cliff. Chris is so freaking adorable as he bounces down the steps, his beautiful curls flowing in the wind. As Cliff turns up the music more, Chris starts to move and glances at Cliff while he tries to impress Janet.

"Yea,"Cliff says with his eyes closed grooving to the music all the while Janet looks at him with the biggest doe eyes, smiling away. Cliff then turns up the music as loud as it will go and suddenly the windows blow out in the backseat of her little hatchback and the windshield eventually goes to.

As I watched the scene unfold in person, I was able to be far back enough that they wouldn't hear me giggle. I couldn't help but watch Chris with his adorable movements the whole time. God I love him.

"... I'll replace the windows," Cliff says to Janet, his ego a little shaken though he tries to play it off like he meant for it to happen.  
"... Thanks," Janet says quietly to Cliff and then Chris leans into Cliff, mumbles something that no one could actually hear or understand, then takes off up the stairs and back into the apartment. Chris is so damn shy... and so adorable I want to run up there after him, but that would be weird and I would ruin the whole thing.

After a few more takes, Cameron was finally able to get Chris to say his line a little louder but he still was so timid.

•••

"Alright! and cut! that was awesome guys! good job!" Cameron calls from behind the camera. Just then Chris come walking back out of the apartment and heads down the steps to where Cameron was shooting.

"Chris that was awesome... thanks so much for doing this for me," Cameron smiles as they shake hands once again.

"No problem... I just hope I wasn't awful or anything," Chris says.

"No, no not at all... it was exactly what I was going for," Cameron re-assures him.

"Cool," Chris smiles back at him.

"So there's a wrap up party being held at The Central later on tonight... you are more than welcome to join... even Kim, Matt and Ben are more than welcome also..." Cameron says.

"Cool... yea that would be awesome," Chris says and we quickly say our goodbyes to everyone and head back over to Chris's truck.

" Do you mind if we just head back home? I'm not sure if I want to go and be around a bunch of people tonight," Chris says as he helps me up into his truck.

"No I don't mind at all... you ok?" I ask as I smooth out my skirt as he leans against the open passenger door.

"Yea, I'm fine... just a little tired," I look at him as his beautiful blue eyes show just how tired he is and reach my hand up to softly touch his cheek. He leans into my hand as he closes his eyes then he slowly leans into me and places a kiss on my lips. He lingers for a few moments and slowly moves his lips with mine as I suck his bottom lip. he then breaks away from me and touches his forehead to mine.

"My god I just want to wrap up in bed with you right now" He softly says to me as I giggle a little.   
"You're so adorable," I smile at him.   
"I try..." He says so cutely as he quickly places a kiss on my forehead and then closes the door for me. He then hops into the driver side and I crank the stereo to some Type O Negative as we head home.


	59. You Come Into Me, I Crash Into You

Seattle Washington,   
January 13, 1992

We arrive back at home and as soon as we get through the door, Chris immediately takes off his leather jacket, and hangs it up by the door. I decide I need a drink and something to munch on so I toss my folder on the table by the door, take off my leather jacket, hang it up, grab my hair tie from the same table and quickly throw my hair up in a messy bun as I walk towards the kitchen.

"Are you hungry?" I ask as I walk into the kitchen and open the fridge.   
"Maybe," He says as he walks towards the kitchen doorway, his heavy footsteps from his Doc Martens thudding against the hardwood floor.  
I stand in front of the fridge trying to decide what to pull out to eat and I see the leftover chocolate cake that I baked last night.   
"Fuck it," I say to myself and pull out the cake from the fridge and grab a beer as well and turn to set them on the island counter behind me.  
"Beer?" I ask Chris as I turn back to the fridge.   
"Sure," He says sweetly as he walks over to the counter island and stands opposite of me. I grab him a beer and open it and hand it to him. He grins at me as he takes a sip while I turn my attention to the chocolate cake in front of me.

"Want some cake?" I ask as I unwrap the plastic film from it and I can feel him smirking at me.

"What?" I say as I dip my finger into the icing on top and taste its sugary sweetness.  
"Nothing," Chris smirks at me as he takes another sip.   
"Do you want some...?" I ask again looking at the cake, this time taking a piece with my fork and placing it into my mouth. Chris still says nothing but moves closer to me as he watches me take a bite. I then take another piece with my fork and look up at him as I bring the tiny piece on the fork to his lips. He keeps his eyes on me as he takes the piece into his mouth and relishes in the sweet chocolate.  
"Damn... thats really good," He says as I smile at him.  
"Yea?" I say and turn my attention to take some for myself again. Just as I take a piece on to my fork, he takes his finger and dips it into the icing and suddenly wipes it on my nose.

"It uh... looks like you missed," He laughs as licks the icing off his finger. I smirk at him, raising my eyebrow, while he continues to laugh at me.   
"Uh huh," I smirk and take some of the icing from the cake on my finger and wipe it on his nose.

"I guess you missed too," I smirk as I lick the icing off my finger, trying to hold my laughter while he smirks back at me and sets his beer down on the counter.   
"Here... I want to try something..." He chuckles. He then takes some more icing from the cake and wipes some of it on my cheek, then licks it off his finger.

"Perfect," He laughs as I try not to look annoyed at him.  
"Really?" I say as I grab some more icing and wipe it down his cheek.

"Ok, ok... come here, let me clean it off you," He laughs as he moves closer to me, but instead I wipe more icing on him, this time on his neck just under his jawline.   
"Oh I'm sorry, I didn't realize I had more on my finger," I say innocently trying hard not to laugh. He then raises his eyebrow at me as he somewhat pins me to the counter island. He takes some icing and wipes some down my neck under my jawline, mirroring where I placed the icing on him.   
"Me neither," He says with his mood softly changing. What started out as a playful, seemingly innocent food fight, has now become something else entirely.

"Here... let me... fix that..." I trail off as I move closer to him, licking the icing slowly off my finger, knowing that I was beginning to tease him. Then placing my lips on his neck where I had placed the icing, I lick to his jawline, moving my lips softly against his skin, hearing him moan low and deep as I stop and slowly move away. I then take his hand and with the left over icing that was left on his finger, I move it to my lips and slowly lick the icing off, softly sucking every last bit, never taking my eyes away from his.

"Damn..." Chris exhales, looking at me with those Irish blue eyes, completely captivated by my teasing. He leans down and softly licks the icing from my neck, moving his lips against my skin, up to my jawline as his fingers brush across my lips, moving down my chin, then holding me by the nape of my neck.

His lips move to my ear and he softly nibbles my earlobe sending instant shivers all over my body. I exhale as he breaks away from me and lifts his shirt up over his head, his beautiful dark curls falling down around his shoulders. He tosses his shirt somewhere on the kitchen floor and immediately goes for my skirt, unzipping it from the side and pushing it down over my hips and letting it float down to the floor around my lacy black heel wedges. Still without taking his eyes away from mine, he lifts my longsleeve shirt up over my head and tosses it somewhere on the kitchen floor.

Standing in front of him in my black thong and lacy black bra, he crashes his lips to mine while I lace my fingers though his soft curls. I eagerly suck his beautiful bottom lip all the while his hands move to my hips as his fingers begin to pull my panties down and they fall to the floor. In one swift movement, he lifts me up to set me down on the counter. I squeal a little and he laughs against my lips.

I move my fingers from his curls down over his shoulders, feeling every muscle of his toned chest, down further until I reach the belt of his black military pants. He sighs so softly against my lips as I unbuckle his belt and unzip his pants, his erection very apparent through his black boxers.

His hands move around to my back, quickly finding the clasp to my bra and eagerly moving the straps down over my shoulders, freeing my breasts as he tosses it on the kitchen floor. He breaks his lips away from mine and eagerly turns his attention to my nipple, gently circling and playing, nipping ever so softly with his teeth. I moan against his touch as he cups my breast in his hand all the while placing his other hand on the small off my back, holding me to him.

"Chris..." I exhale as I close my eyes, losing myself in his touch while he moves his hand from the small of my back, trailing over my hip to my thigh, encouraging me to open my legs wider to accommodate him. His fingers move to my entrance, teasing me as his lips move from my nipple, up to my throat, gently biting playfully and sending chills all over my body. His fingers then make contact with my clit and he slowly begins to stroke, using various circular motions that drive me completely insane.

"Let me hear you baby..." He purrs, his lips against my skin and I oblige, moaning and whimpering beneath his touch.

His lips brush down my throat, to my chest and lower still, leaving soft fleeting kisses while I lay myself back on the counter. Feeling the cold marble of the counter top on my skin, I close my eyes and try to just breathe, knowing what he is about to do.

He opens my legs wider and uses his hands to reveal myself more to him. Suddenly, his lips make contact with my clit, flicking his tongue and slowly sucking while I move my hips, biting my bottom lip to maintain control of myself. With my eyes still closed, I fall under the spell of his touch, feeling the indescribable sensations that are so familiar, yet new, every single time he touches me.

"Chris... Fuck... Yes.." I pant with the rhythm of my breathing. I reach down and lace my fingers through his gorgeous curls, wanting him to never stop as his lips softly suck, his fingers teasing my entrance. He continues to touch me in places only he knows I respond to, hitting the perfect sweet spot, sending waves of pleasure that wash over me. Before I know it, he has me wrapped around his finger.

"Chris...I am... so close... for you," I pant, letting the words flow out of me as he continues to send me to places I've never been.  
I arch my back as he moans against me sucking and flicking his tongue to the point where I can't take it anymore.

"Come on baby... let me hear you," He says as my hands drop from hair, moving away from me, replacing his lips with his thumb as he continues to use his touch to make me fall for him over and over again. He watches my reaction to him as I raise my arms over my head, trying to grip the counter. Then, like a tidal wave crashing against the shore, my muscles contract, releasing the sexual tension that has been building up all along. I cry out his name, releasing everything I have inside me.

"Oh God... Chris," I pant as he moves away from me for a moment, eagerly ripping his pants down just enough to reveal his erection that was so hard he could cry. I find the strength to lift myself up as he grabs my hips and pulls me closer to the edge of the counter. I whimper as he pushes himself inside me, his moans muffled by his lips against my throat.

He thrusts slowly at first allowing me to become adjusted to his size, sending shockwaves of pleasure throughout my entire being. I wrap my legs around his waist as I lace my fingers through his gorgeous curls as he playfully bites my jawline.

"You feel... so fucking good baby," Chris pants in between his thrusts while I continue to grip him moving my hips to his rhythm. He picks up the pace once I become adjusted to him, throwing my head back, feeling the pleasurable release of the tension between us as he watches my reaction to him. With his brow furrowed, he bites his bottom lip, his eyes caressing every inch of my body.

Then like so many times before, together we reach the pinnacle of our orgasm, crying out with each other as we become one with another. He spills his warm liquid inside of me as we ride out our high, never wanting this feeling to end. As I try to catch my breath, I touch my forehead to his, feeling his blue eyes watching me come down.

"Dear fucking God... you are so beautiful," Chris says as he closes his eyes and presses his lips to mine, my fingers lacing through his curls. Our lips move together, devouring each other as I taste myself on his lips, not caring at all. He pulls away from my lips, panting as his eyes wander over my naked body, though I still managed to keep my heels on, so I guess I wasn't completely naked. Chris starts to chuckle a little as I still try to catch my breath.

"What?" I ask a little worried as I wasn't sure just what he was laughing at.  
"You're even beautiful covered in icing," Chris says as he traces his finger down the bridge of my nose, removing the leftover icing he placed there before our escapade started.

"That's just because I'm so sweet," I squint and wriggle my nose up at him attempting to be cute.  
"That you are baby,"


	60. Leaving On A Jet Plane

Seattle Washington,   
May 19, 1992

The day finally arrived for when Soundgarden was to head out with Guns N'Roses. I was a little nervous about my position as P.A since I am the one responsible for getting the guys to the airport on time. Their first show was tomorrow in Prague at the Strahov Stadium. I had already arranged for the hotel that we are all staying in and since Soundgarden is supporting Guns N'Roses, it was really easy to work with their manager in booking accommodations and travel. The only thing I really need to focus on is making sure all the interviews and any other media coverage is set up on time.... and of course, anything else the guys would need. Along with supporting Guns N' Roses, the guys are also doing a few festivals in between, so needless to say, this summer is going to be very, very busy.

"Chris... do you have everything?" I ask as I drag my last luggage bag to the front door.  
"Yea..." He says sleepily as he walks down the stairs from the bedroom wearing sunglasses of all things. I turn and look at him wondering why the hell he is wearing sunglasses inside.

"What?" He says as he walks up to me.  
"Sunglasses inside? don't you think that's weird?" I smirk at him.

"Babe it's 4 in the morning... my eyes are not wanting to open yet ok?" He explains as he sits down on the chair by the door to tie his Doc Martens and I giggle a little.

"Alright... so I have my planner, I've got all my bags ready... I feel like I'm forgetting something..." I say to myself as I turn around and check my bag for the third or fourth time.  
"You have the schedule don't you?" He asks groggily as he throws his leather jacket on.

"Uh huh... the schedule is with my planner there... um... oh, did you ask Kevin to keep an eye on the house?" I ask as I turn and look up at Chris.  
"Kevin?" Chris gives me a puzzled look behind his sunglasses.  
"Our neighbor Kevin...? Did you ask him?" I say a little frantic furrowing my brow at him.

"Oh yea... yea I did... calm down babe... don't get all snappy," He retorts groggily though I don't blame him. I shouldn't have said it like that.

"Sorry... I'm sorry.... I'm just nervous," I say as I slip my leather jacket on.   
"Don't be... It'll be fine," He says as he flips his curls out of his face. He leans down and places a quick kiss on my lips. He pulls away and gives me the cutest sleepiest smile to calm me down and I smile back at him. Then he picks up the rest of the bags and heads out to the front porch to wait for the cab to take us to the airport. I take one last look at our house and then I lock the door behind me. 

•••

We arrive at the airport and meet up with Kim, Matt and Ben. Ever since they found out I was their P.A, they have been super excited to have me along with them. Not that they weren't excited before but they were glad it was me and not just some random person they would have to get to know.

"Ok, I'm gonna get our tickets... you guys can just wait here," I say after we pass through customs.  
"Here babe, I got it" Chris says as he takes my carry on bag from me. I give him a quick kiss on his temple, then head up to the reception to get our tickets.

As Chris and the guys take a seat in the waiting area I discuss the plane ticket options with the agent. Since most of the travel was covered under Guns N Roses management, the tickets were first class and all paid for already. As for the couple of festivals that the guys were playing in between, those were paid for by A&M and Silver management along with the tour bus that was set up for us. It's crazy how everything is so different from just a few years ago. I remember helping Chris with that shitty old van and trying to figure out everything just all on our own.

I grab our tickets and head back to the waiting area and see the guys just laughing and being weird.  
"Fuck... I think the last time I saw 4 in the morning was when I hadn't gone to bed yet," Kim says puffing on a smoke as I walk up to them.  
"I don't know about you but I'm just gonna sleep the whole fucking time," Ben says quietly as he leans back in the chair, his poofy bangs covering his eyes.

"Ok here are your tickets," I say as I pass them out to everyone.  
"Holy Shit, first class?" Matt exclaims as he sits up in his chair.

"Babe... you didn't pay... for these did you?" Chris asks as he looks over the ticket and then back up at me.  
"No, no... GNR's management company has covered the cost of travel," I say as I sit down beside him.

"How long til our flight?" Kim asks. I reach for my planner and as soon as I was about to open to check the fight times, the announcer comes on over the loudspeaker.

'American Airline Flight 204 Now Boarding at terminal 3, once again American Airline flight 204 now boarding at terminal 3'

" Does that answer your question?" I smirk at Kim and he shrugs. We quickly grab up our carry on bags and head over to the terminal to board the plane. Once we get up on the plane we headed straight for first class. The seats were so comfy and apparently it was just me and the guys, which was really cool but so not what we are used to. Chris takes the window seat since I'm not good with heights and we all settle in for the long 15 hour flight to Prague. 

Prague, Czechoslovakia   
May 20, 1992

We arrive at the airport a long 15 hours later and though it was 9pm Seattle time, it was 6am in Prague. I forgot how much of a time difference can really mess you up. Luckily the guys were performing later on that afternoon, and the interviews that were set up were taking place at the Strahov Stadium just before, so we could head to the hotel to try and rest before then.

The tour bus picked us up at the airport and so we were able to store the majority of our luggage on the bus, then we headed to the hotel to check in. GNR's management had already booked the hotel rooms for us in advance since we were staying at the same hotel so Chris and I had our own room obviously, Kim had his own room and Matt and Ben were sharing one.

As soon as Chris and I reach our hotel room, I immediately wanted to crawl into bed and sleep for a while. I tried to sleep on the plane but I wasn't able to shut my mind off to do so, and I hate trying to sleep in a seat anyways.

I set my bag down by the door and then proceeded to take off my clothes. I could feel Chris watch me as I undressed in from of him and moved over to the little side table that had an alarm clock. I set an alarm for 10:00 am, and climb in under the covers as Chris started to slowly take off his clothes.

"I guess I'm not the only one who's tired," Chris says cutely as he climbs in beside me.

"No..." I say sleepily with a yawn as he draws me into him and I snuggle into his bare chest. I could still smell his sweet cologne which was so comforting, I instantly fall asleep listening to the sound of his heart beating. I could be anywhere in the world and as long as I'm in his arms, I feel like I'm home.

•••

Andrea... I need to tell you something... Andrea... where are you...?

Mom... I'm right here... mom...

I wake up with a bit of a jolt to feel Chris's arm around me. He was soundly sleeping behind me with his face half buried into his pillow and his curls strewn across his face like usual. I look at the clock on the side table and it read 8:45 AM. Fuck, I've only been asleep for an hour and a half, but after that I don't think I can go back to sleep. Chris moves a little behind me and softly groans as I carefully move his arm off of me. I slowly sit up in bed and glance over at him to see him peacefully dreaming as his chest slowly rises and falls. I wish I could dream like that. I decide to get up out of bed and head into the bathroom to take a quick shower.

I start the water and hop in as soon as the water is warm enough. As I stand under the shower head, with the water washing over me, I couldn't control the tears that somehow started to fall. Why do have have to feel like this? What in the fuck made me dream about her. Just as soon as I think I'm gonna be ok, this happens, and I'm right back where I was a year ago. Why now? Of all times to have a dream like that, why now? I have to get myself together. I finish my crying and quickly finish up in the shower. At least the good thing about crying in the shower is no one is able to really hear me. Well... I hope no one is able to.

I dry myself off, throw on one of Chris's button up shirts and come out of the bathroom to see Chris sitting up in bed in just his black boxer shorts, puffing on a cigarette and flipping through one of the magazines that he got on the plane. It was an issue of Kerrang, that had a small little article about their album.

"Hi baby," He says sweetly with the cigarette between his lips, as he quints his eyes from the smoke.   
"Hey," my voice cracking a little.

"You know... I don't think I'll ever get used to seeing myself in a magazine, especially one that has a pinup of me on one side, and Bret Michaels on the other side..." He says with a unimpressed look as he flips though the pages.

"Well... if it were me... I'd have you plastered all over the walls of my room... if I wasn't married to you... but I am... so I would still plaster you all over... my room... but I don't have to... cause... that would be weird... " I trail off and he starts to laugh.

"Yes just maybe a little weird... " He chuckles as he butts his smoke out in the ashtray on the side table. He sets the magazine down on the side table.

"I hope I didn't wake you up," I say as I dry my hair with the towel I was using.  
"No, not really... well... maybe... but it's fine," He says.

"I'm sorry," I say as I move over to the bed and he reaches for my hand.  
"It's ok... are you ok?" He asks with his beautiful blue eyes looking up at me.

"Uh huh," I say but he keeps looking at me like he knows something. I offer a half smile, trying to hide my emotions but he keeps looking at me and I hate it when he gives me that look.  
"I heard you... in the shower..." He says after a few moments of silence between us. My heart drops and I suddenly just want to avoid talking about it entirely.

"Oh... yea... it's nothing... I'm fine," I say as I brush it off and pull my hand away from him. I can't talk about it or I'm gonna start bawling again. He watches me as I move over to my bag that sat on the floor and I pull out some clothes to wear.

"Um... you should probably get ready... there's a couple of interviews you guys are set to do today and.... I wouldn't want you to be late..." I say changing the subject.

"Andi...?" He says as I walk back over to the bed and start to change into the clothes I picked out.

"Yea...?" I say avoiding his eyes as he stands up and walks over to me. He reaches out and cups my face in his palm to make me look up at him. He locks his eyes on mine for a few moments as I try to tell him I'm ok with just my look. He then slowly leans down to me and places his lips on my forehead. I close my eyes as he lingers for a few moments and then he pulls away and heads into the bathroom. I stand there for a few moments and hear him start the shower while I try to swallow the lump in my throat and do my best to hold my tears. I am eventually able to shake it off and continue to get ready for the day.


	61. You Climbed Inside My World And In My Song

Prague, Czechoslovakia  
May 20, 1992

"Alright guys, are we ready?" I ask, looking at the schedule in my planner as we all stand outside the hotel lobby and wait for the tour bus to pick us up.

"Ready to go back to sleep," Kim yawns.  
"Yea... I'm with you on that one," Ben yawns as he pushes his poofy bangs aside.

"Ok, so you guys have two interviews today...um... looks like they are both set up before you guys go on stage. The first one is... with Vanessa from Headbanger's Ball U.K and the second one is with... I have no idea how to say that... but it's with a German music channel," I say reading from my planner as Chris looks over my shoulder, placing his hand on the small of my back. I can smell his sweet cologne, my favourite of his that he wears.

"Whoo hoo, let's mess with them," Kim says a little miniacally as he puffs his cigarrette.  
"You mean like you normally do?" I smirk and raise my eyebrow at him.

"Well... we're just so good at it," Kim smirks and Chris and I laugh as the tour bus slowly pulls up to the curb in front of us and stops, causing the air breaks to hiss. Kim quickly butts out his smoke and we all pile up on to the bus and soon enough we head out on the road towards the Strahov Stadium.

Strahov Stadium 1992

We arrive outside the stadium entrance and pull up beside GNR's tour bus with a set of outdoor trailers that held a lot of GNR's equipment. We all pile off the bus, while the guys head over to one of the trailers and a member from GNR's management team quickly pulls me aside to speak to me about where the band wants to do their interviews first. The guys from GNR want to meet up with Soundgarden at some point before their performance so I consult my schedule in my planner and discuss how everything is going down. Suddenly I start to feel a little overwhelmed. I have no idea what I'm doing yet I really hope I come across as if I know what I'm doing. I knew this was going to be like this, I just didn't think I had so many decisions to make. Talk about being under pressure.

After everything is planned on how tonight will go, I feel much more confident that I am able to handle everything. I then head over to the trailer where I could see Chris standing outside, puffing on a smoke with his curls gently flowing in the warm spring breeze. He looks up behind his sunglasses and sees me walking towards him and he gives me the cutest smile that makes my insides flutter.

"Hi baby," He says so sweetly.  
"Hey... " I smile as I reach him, clutching my planner while the guys head out of the trailer and see me.

"Ok so... Vanessa should be here in a few minutes to do the first interview and then we're supposed to head over to that trailer to do the second one. Then after that, the guys from GNR want to hang out with you for a bit before and to just go over some things with you..." I say gesturing to one of the trailers across from where the bus was parked.

"Cool, so we have time to grab some food right? I'm fucking starving," Kim says.  
Yea... there's a buffet trailer just beside GNR's bus you can go into," I say.   
"Fuck yea, thanks Andi, " Kim smiles and heads over with Matt and Ben for some food.

I turn back and see Chris smiling away at me as he removes his sunglasses and takes the last drag of his smoke.  
"What?" I ask with a giggle.  
"Nothing... I just love this side of you," Chris says as he moves closer to me, butting his smoke out on the ground.

"What do you mean?" I giggle again as I look up at him and look into those Irish blue eyes.   
"You're so... confident and... taking charge like it's so natural... like it's nothing..." He smiles at me.

"Oh god... I feel the exact opposite though... I'm so nervous and I have no idea what I'm doing and I'm trying not to freak out..." I confess.

"Don't freak out... you got this babe..." Chris says as he leans down to me and places his soft lips on mine. I feel that fluttery feeling inside all over again as his lips move with mine, his hands moving to my hips, pulling me into him. If I'm not mistaken, I think he's finding that my confidence is turning him on.

He takes my planner from me and tosses down on the soft grass below us. I reach up and touch his beard as I begin to suck his bottom lip, he moans softly against my lips that make me feel tingly in places where I shouldn't feel right now.

"Chris..." I sigh quickly pulling away from him to try to compose myself.  
"Uh huh," He breathes closing his eyes and touching his forehead to mine.  
"We shouldn't..." I say as I close my eyes

"Shouldn't what...?" His hands move over my hips, up my back under my Pantera T-shirt, his fingers skipping over my goosebumps.  
"Start something... we can't finish," I breathe. His hands feel like heaven on my skin.  
"Who says we can't finish..." His eyes flick open as his fingers quickly find the clasp to my bra and unclasps it so quickly I had no chance to stop him.

"Chris...! We're outside... people can see us," I shout in a whisper as I look around behind me to see if anyone was watching.  
"That's never stopped us before..." He makes a good point but this is different. Fuck, he smells so amazing though. No, I can't let him tempt me.

"Chris... I'm working right now though..." I look up at him trying to stand my ground as his one hand holds me to him and his other moves around under my shirt, brushing his fingertips across my breast and softly but discreetly playing with my nipple. I close my eyes and bite my bottom lip as he touches his forehead to mine once again.

"And you're my assistant... so... I'm in need... of some assistance..." He says so slyly which somehow turned me on, making me blush. Fuck, he just knows all the right things to say to get me going.

Suddenly we both hear Kim clear his throat and my eyes flick open to see Chris's eyes grow wide, instantly knocking us out of our fantasy that was taking place.

"Uh... guys? This is Vanessa... she's here for the interview..." Kim says emphasizing every other word as Chris pulls away from me so fast while I scramble to adjust my bra behind him.

Shit, Shit, Shit...

"We can come back if this is a bad time," Vanessa says in her British accent trying not to sound awkward as her camera man sets up the camera for the interview.

"No, no... it's not a bad time at all... uh... I'm sorry..." I say a little frantic as I get myself together, smooth out my shirt and pick up my planner from the ground.

"I'm Andi... I'm sorry I was supposed to meet you before... but um... well... anyways..." I smile nervously as I extend my hand a little nervously for Vanessa to shake. 

"That's quite alright... my husband and I also have our fair share of fun sometimes," She smiles sweetly at me and winks as she shakes my hand. Now I really feel embarassed as the blood floods to my cheeks causing them to burn like never before. I laugh desperately trying to shake the embarassment.

"I'm sorry... um... well I'm gonna go find Matt and Ben and leave you guys to it..." I say. I have no idea why I can't stop apologizing. I turn from Kim and Vanessa and give Chris a bit of a glare as I walk over to him. He smiles shyly at me as I lift myself up to him and place a kiss on his cheek.

"You might want to adjust yourself," I whisper in his ear. Chris very discreetly, like nothing happened, adjusts quickly and puts his sunglasses back on as I turn away to go find Matt and Ben.

"Alright... so interview...? Now...?" Kim says immediately changing the subject.

•••

"...Yes and the headbangers ball is coming to you from France on the Guns N Roses tour and Guns will be back a little later on but right now I'm joined by Soundgarden" Vanessa says as she turns to Chris and Kim.

"Welcome back to MTV and to Prague... how are you doing?" She says as she holds the mic to Chris.

"Well I've never been to Prague before but it's nice to be back to MTV, thank you," Chris shyly looks at the camera and then down at himself.

"Now you guys have recently completed a tour stateside with Monster Magnet and Swerve Driver which sounds like a pretty interesting lineup, how did that work out?" She asks as she points the mic to Kim.  
"It worked out really great, we had fun, we got along with each other," Kim says as Chris looks down at himself.

"What are you most looking forward to about this tour with Guns?" She asks as she points the mic to Chris.  
"The catering," Chris says flatly.  
"Seriously?" Vanessa laughs.  
"...Yea..." Chris smirks a sly smile as Vanessa laughs.

"Is it difficult for you to adjust from like playing clubs and then back to stadiums and then back again?" She asks as Kim steps forward a little to answer.   
"Tonight we'll find out and see how it goes... keeps it from being boring..."Kim giggles.

"Ok well now, I've heard rumours of a possible live EP or something... is that- have I heard correctly?" Vanessa says and points the mic at Chris.

"No um... we did kind of a... sort of a- I guess you could call it a fairly live recording of... some...songs at home.. uh... a few months ago... they're gonna be released but it's not really a live recording...it's just like...we didn't spend any time on it, we spent like... you know one day recording a bunch of songs... uh... we did it for b-sides for singles and things and we got a good response from it so we decided to make a limited edition EP, it'll be...in the States it'll be sold free basically with the copy if the record and... I don't know if it'll be released over here, if it is, I don't know what... what way" Chris says as he looks down and shifts his weight to his other leg as the wind starts to pick up.

"Cool... what about a video? Are you gonna be ever releasing like a home video or anything like that?"   
"In the states we released Rusty Cage as a video in the U.S- oh wait... you mean-" Kim giggles as he was confused about the question at first.  
"No I mean ... like a live one" Vanessa laughs.

"Yea, yea ok yea... we did that too, we recorded ourselves live... 2 nights at the Paramount in Seattle and... I think they're working on editing and putting that together so yea we'll see that," Kim smiles.  
"Is that going to be available to the fans in Europe?" She asks.

"No, no we specifically requested that they don't sell it in Europe... it's only for Americans..." Kim jokes sarcastically and Chris laughs.   
"Well I think that we will have to get one of these clips of you guys when it's available and show you guys live in action..." Vanessa smiles.

"Okay!" Chris says cutely and excitedly as he looks down at himself again.

"Ok? So thanks very much for joining me again it's nice to see you and um... best of luck- "  
"We like to be seeen!" Kim says excitedly and Vanessa laughs.

"Best of luck with Guns N Roses ok?" She says.  
"Ok" Chris smiles and flips his hair out if his face.

"Alright now we're gonna take another short commercial break and then after that, I will be back with the headliners Guns N Roses so see you there!" Vanessa closes the interview as she turns to the Camera.

•••

"Alright... thank you Kim and Chris... we'll uh see you guys later on maybe," Vanessa says.  
"Sure,"Chris smiles at her and she and her camera man head over to the opposite side of all the trailers to catch the guys from Guns N' Roses.

Kim lights up a smoke and looks at Chris as Chris tries to avoid his gaze.   
"Don't say it," Chris says.   
"I don't know what you're talking about," Kim laughs.   
"Right," Chris says and lights up a smoke.

"I didn't see a thing," Kim laughs again.  
"Uh huh,"Chris puffs his smoke.

"Let's go find Andi...?" Chris says exhaling a cloud of smoke.  
"You need some assistance...?" Kim smirks and takes a drag of his smoke.  
"Fuck off," Chris scoffs back at him and Kim laughs as they head over to find Andi.

•••

"Ok so I'll meet you guys in there...?" I call to Matt and Ben as they head over to the trailer to do the second interview.  
"Yep!" Matt calls and they disappear inside.

"Ok... so... now... gotta find Chris... and Kim..." I say to myself as I make a few notes in my planner and as I start to walk back to where Chris and Kim were doing the first interview, I was so focused on what I was writing, I wasn't watching where I was walking and I stumbled, accidentally falling into Axl Rose.

"Shit! I'm so sorry," I exclaim as I fumble with my planner.  
"Hey... It's alright," He chuckles with a deep raspy voice and helps catch me as I stumble a little.   
"I'm so sorry... I'm such a klutz sometimes, I apparently just learned to walk today..." I giggle nervously and he chuckles at me as he flips his red auburn hair out of his face.   
"It's alright," He smiles at me.

I can't freaking believe I'm standing in front of Axl Rose, and all by accident of course. I was so nervous all day and now it's even more intensified with him standing in front of me. He glances over me and down at my boobs, which sort of put me off for a second. I mean I know I'm wearing the same Pantera shirt I wore when Chris took me to see them, so it is a little more low cut than usual but really?

"Oh, so you're with Soundgarden?" He asks as he gestures to my lanyard with the Soundgarden laminate.  
"Oh, yea... I'm uh... I'm working for their management team..." I say as I look down and play with the laminate.   
"So a P.A?" He smiles at me.  
"Yea..." I smile shyly back at him as he locks his green eyes on mine for a few moments and I had to force myself to look away. Maybe it wasn't my boobs he was looking at, but then again you never know.

"I'm sorry, I should um... get back to Chris..." I say shyly as I gesture back towards where Chris and Kim were doing the interview.   
"Oh... yea... I didn't mean to keep you..." Axl smiles sweetly at me and I couldn't help but glance over him with his light blue button up shirt left unbuttoned, with his ripped jeans and white adidas.  
"It's ok..." I smile back at him. He continues to look at me for a few more moments, his eyes wandering over my body, which somehow didn't make me feel awkward at all. Eventually, I look away to head back towards Chris. For some reason, I still feel him looking at me but I keep my eyes straight ahead.

Holy shit was Axl Rose trying to flirt with me? It's not like I'm available or anything, I mean you can clearly see my wedding ring on my finger. Was I flirting? I didn't think I was.


	62. Back In Town An'a All New Friends

Prague Czechoslovakia, Strahov Stadium  
May 20, 1992

"Hey baby," Chris smiles at me as I walk over to him.  
"Hi... where's Kim?" I ask as he leans down and places a kiss on my forehead.  
"He's already heading over to the trailer... where were you?" He asks as he takes a drag of his smoke.

"I uh..."

Now, I didn't know what to say, but I figure I should just tell the truth. The last time something like this happened was when I met Eddie and it got weird. Even though we are all ok with it now but Chris never did find out what really happened with me and Eddie. I just don't want anything like that to happen again. I need to just come out with it.

"I ran into Axl..." I say as I look up at him.  
"Oh cool," Chris says and takes a drag of his smoke.  
"No, I mean I literally ran into Axl. I was walking back up here to get you and I wasn't looking and I walked right into him..." I explain. I figure the more details the better.  
"Alright... well... are you ok?" He asks me with a chuckle and raises his eyebrow.   
"Yea just a little embarrassed..." I giggle.  
"Awe..." He giggles with me as he exhales a cloud of smoke.

"Um, but... we should head to the trailer for the next interview you have," I say as I look down at my planner.   
"Alright baby... lead the way," Chris says as he takes the last drag of his smoke and butts it out on the ground. He then flips his beautiful dark curls out of his face as he follows me to the trailer, watching me from behind. I slightly turn to look back up at him and he quickly looks at me and smirks.

"Were you just looking at my butt?" I giggle.  
"No..." He chuckles shyly and I turn away from him.

"Well maybe," He adds which makes me smile.

•••

"... Are you feel like stars now?"  
"No," Chris chuckles.

"And uh... are you working for to be star... are you going to be?"

"No, only true stars are like, dead rock musicians." Chris smiles sarcastically.  
"Ursa Minor... various constellations..." Kim says at the same time as Chris.  
"We want to be Wizards," Matt says from behind him. Once again the humorous sarcasm that I love is lost on this guy.

"Ok... and do you think that Faith No More for example... they are?"

"Not really... maybe, I don't know," Chris says flatly.   
"Just the bass player Billy... He's a true star..." Kim smiles.

"Really...? You mean it seriously?"

"No I'm actually being quite sarcastic," Kim says sarcastically though he is really being sarcastic which is the best thing in the world.

"Can you define your music?"

"Yea could you do that?" Chris asks Kim with a slight smirk.  
"Oh yea we came up with a pretty good definition yesterday... it was... it was uh, early 70's U.S muscle car driving through the prom... not to the prom but right through the dance floor of the prom... that's what it is," Kim trails off and looks at me with a smile while Chris smiles and laughs so cutely which makes me laugh. He's so damn good at this, Oh my god, it's hard to keep a straight face.

"So tonight show will be uh, really loud?"

"Yea," Chris nods

"Much more loud than other two bands?"

"No, no," Kim and Chris say together.  
"It wont be as loud," Ben says from behind.  
"Usually the way they set it up is they usually don't allow the first band to be louder than the headliner," Kim explains.  
"Yea, It's a rule... when you're stars," Chris says sarcastically and looks up at the ceiling. I can tell he's getting a little annoyed at all the questions.  
"It's etiquette in touring... at least in the U.S and parts of europe," Kim smiles as he trails off again.

"And uh we know that you are big, big friends with Faith No More, can you say with how you build friendship?"

"Uh... they.. uh we were mutual fans of each others bands, we played a show together by chance and we like each other's bands and eventually we toured together in the States and... just became friends that way," Chris explains.

"Ok, and how you will feel in biggest Stadium in the world, tonight?"

"Is it really the biggest Stadium? I thought Wembley was," Matt says from behind.  
"Even bigger than Rio?" Kim asks

"Yea its really big,"

"We'll feel small, like ants," Chris smirks.  
"Everyone should get their Opera glasses if you're in the back row so you can watch," Kim smirks.

"Are you looking forward?,"

"Oh yea," Chris says excitedly but not understanding what he asked because of his broken english.  
"Oh wait, what are we looking forward to you mean?" Kim asks.

"Yea"

"I suppose doing the tour, selling a bunch of records and-" Kim trails off but Chris cuts him off.  
"And going home..." Chris finishes.

"Ok thank you,"

"Thanks" Chris smiles as they finish the interview and they cut to a video.

•••

"Fuck I need another smoke," Chris says after the crew from the German Network leave the trailer and he takes out a cigarette and lights one up.

"Yea... I think I need one too," Kim says and Chris puffs on his smoke then passes it to Kim. Chris glances over at me while I slowly walk over to him, my head down in my planner, making notes.

"So now what?" Chris exhales as he puts his arm around me, his hand resting on the small of my back.  
"Um... well that's really it for now... the guys from GNR wanted to meet up with you at some point before your sound check which isn't for a couple of hours..." I say as I look up at him. He looks at me with those beautiful blue eyes of his as he reaches up and brushes a stray curl out of my eyes.

"Ok... well let's go and hang out," Chris smiles at me.  
"I'll uh, meet you guys there," Kim says and heads out of the trailer.

"Hey, my smoke..." Chris calls to him.  
"It's mine now," Kim turns back for a second and smirks and then trotts away quickly.

"Fucker," Chris Chuckles and shakes his head. Ben and Matt had already left immediately after the interview was done so it was just Chris and I left alone in the trailer for now. Chris looks back at me and pulls me into him, placing his lips on my temple. He reaches his hand up to the side of my face and holds his lips to me for a few lingering moments. I close my eyes and breathe him in as I reach up and place my hand over his.

"Fuck, I just want to go find somewhere to play with you," Chris whispers in my ear and begins to kiss my earlobe and down my neck while his other hand once again sneaks up under my shirt, his caloused fingers skipping over my skin as he places soft fleeting kisses along my collarbone.

"Soon baby," I breathe. I want to keep going as I imagine all the wonderful things he would do to my body, sending tingling sensations to places that shouldn't be tingling at this moment, but since we have to go and meet up with Axl, Slash and Duff, I regretfully pull myself away from him as he touches his forehead to mine, his eyes closed and biting his bottom lip. Fuck, he is so goddamn sexy right now. He groans as he releases me from his embrace and I walk out of the trailer. Chris watches me walk away and then follows me obviously enjoying the view.

•••

I threw my planner back up on the bus while Chris waited for me outside to walk me over to the trailer to meet up with the guys from GNR. I have to admit, I was really excited that they wanted to meet him and that I was able to meet them too. I mean, we're touring with them for the next couple of months so now is the best time to meet. Chris slips his palm into mine as we head over to the trailer. The door was open so we could see Kim, Matt and Ben all hanging out with members of Faith No More in there as well. Chris steps inside first and I follow with everyone greeting him as we enter. Duff was the first one to walk up and shake hands with him and offered a drink for both of us. I felt so nervous and so shy as I noticed a couch over on the far side where Axl sat with a couple of girls on either side of him.

Now, I wouldn't have thought that Axl could take his eyes away from the two ladies, they were absolutely beautiful, but as soon as I glanced over his green eyes flicked over to me for a moment as he took a sip of his drink in hand. I have no idea why his eyes landed on me but I quickly looked away from him as Chris placed his arm around my waist while him and Duff continued their conversation.

"... no seriously, it's awesome to have you guys on... I know Axl has been a fan of yours since like '87 or so... so yea, no need to thank us man," Duff smiles, his words slightly slurry but he was so adorable nevertheless. Chris smiles shyly and I could tell he was a little awkward accepting the compliment but he is so cute when he's shy. A few moments later Slash comes up and greets us. Chris was so sweet introducing me and Slash was so sweet as well, he offered me another drink even though I hadn't even finished with the first one.

The whole time we were talking with Duff and Slash, I would catch Axl's gaze even though he was busy now laughing and drinking with a few members of Faith No More. I have no idea where the girls took off to but he didn't seem interested in them any longer. Suddenly, Axl then decided to move off the couch and walked over to join the conversation with Chris, Slash and Duff.

"Hey man... how are ya?" Axl smiles at Chris and extends his hand.   
"Hi, I'm good how are you," Chris smile so cutely and shakes his hand.

"I'm good... I'm glad we are able to finally meet... well I know we sort of met before but... "Axl says.  
"Yea... that was a few years ago I think... you came to a couple of shows back in Seattle right?" Chris smiles at him.

"Oh yea... yea it was awesome... It was during Ultrmega OK... I love that album man," Axl smiles as Chris sips his drink.  
"Really...? Well... thank you, I didn't really like how it turned out though...still don't actually " Chris says a little in disbelief, though just like always does, he second guesses himself with everything he does. He's such a perfectionist, but I love him for it.

"No man... the rawness makes it," Axl says and takes a sip.  
"Thanks," Chris smiles shyly at the compliment, it must be weird to be complimented by the biggest band in the world.

They continue to talk for a few more moments and then Chris realizes he hadn't officially introduced me yet.

"Oh fuck, sorry... um... this is my wife, Andi..." Chris smiles down at me and Axl locks his green eyes on mine.

"Hi," I say shyly and he gives me a shy smile back.  
"Hi... I see you were able to figure out that walking thing..." Axl smirks. Chris raises his eyebrow at me looking confused.

"When I stumbled into him... I made a joke about me just learning to walk today... cause I'm so clumsy... never mind..." I say feeling my cheeks burn with embarassment as Axl takes a sip of his drink.

" Uh huh... ok then," Chris chuckles and takes a sip of his drink as he looks at me with a smirk.

We all stand and talk with each other for a while, Kim eventually joining in on the conversation with Slash and Duff all the while Chris and Axl talk about each other's influences and basically everything in between. I sort of felt a little out of place because of everyone just getting along so well but Chris never made me feel excluded. I stood with Chris as he kept his hand on my hip and I would notice Axl glancing over me again. It didn't necessarily make me feel weird, I just didn't know why he was so interested in me.

Soon enough, it was time for Soundgarden's sound check as they were set to go on first at 5:00PM. Chris and the guys all wish each other's bands luck and I could feel Axl gaze upon me as I walk out of the trailer with Chris. It still didn't make me feel weird though so maybe it's just nothing to worry about.


	63. When you Feel the Fire And Taste The Flame

Prague Czechoslovakia, Strahov Stadium  
May 20, 1992

"Fuck... there's a fuckload of people out there already," Chris says nervously standing backstage with me. He takes another peek out from behind the black curtain of GNR's stage and then turns back to talk to his guitar tech, Steve. It was weird... I was pretty nervous for him. In all the tours with all the concerts they have performed, this was a little intimidating to say the least. I've never see a crowd this big before.

All goes quiet as the opening recording from 'Searching With My Good Eye Closed' rings around the stadium. Chris turns to me, his beautiful curls flowing in the wind, his wrist cuffs, his plain black T-Shirt with his black shorts and Doc Martens make him look so beautiful to me that I just want him all for myself.

Kim, Matt and Ben all run out to take their places as Chris places his lips on mine. He lingers for a moment and I don't want to let him go.   
"To the stars baby," He says when he pulls away from my lips and touches his forehead to mine.  
"To the stars," I tell him and he leaves me there backstage to watch him grab a mic and head to the front of the stage.

With the sun blasting from above and the atmosphere radiating from outside, the pocket of Soundgarden fans group together at the front as Chris runs out to greet them with his powerful voice.

Right from the beginning, Chris has GNR fans captivated, though some still look skeptical, it takes no time at all before Chris wins them over.

"Painted blue across my eyes and tie the linen on  
And I'm on my waaayyy... on my waaaay..."

As I stand off stage and watch just like so many times before, I fall in love with him all over again. He is magnificent with the way he can become this force of nature that only few people can posses, and I love every single second of it.

"... Looking for the paradigm  
So I can pass it off  
Is it on my siiiiide , on my siiide

Is to the skyyy? is to the skyyyy? is to the skyyyyyy... now?   
Searching for the ground with my good eyeeee.... closed..."

I was so hypnotized by Chris, I didn't even notice that anyone was around me.  
" Fuck... he just buries me... ,"  
I turn and see Axl standing beside me while Slash passes him and heads down under the stage.

Axl glances over at me and flashes me a shy grin. I grin back at him and turn my attention back to Chris.   
"Don't sell yourself short... you have an amazing voice too," I say without taking my eyes off Chris.  
"Not like him though...," Axl says and watches for a few moments, then glances back at me.

I turn and look at Axl with his green eyes locking on mine. He gives me a shy smile and then turns to head down under the stage where Slash disappeared. I stand there for a few moments and turn my attention back to the love of my life, loosing myself in the sound of his voice.

As the song ends, Chris now shirtless heads over to Steve and slings his Silver burst Gibson Les Paul over his shoulder, then heads quickly over to me and places a quick kiss on my lips, never missing a beat. He flashes me his captivating smile and with his guitar strapped around his body as if it hadn't left him since birth, he heads back out to the front of the stage his dark curls moving with the slight wind.

With one look, Chris stares wickedly out into the crowd and the opening chords of 'Hands All Over' spiral out from the stage and the audience looses their minds. Chris shuffles his head and then the song explodes to life as a thousand or so fans in the front, that are obviously die hard Guns N Roses fans, watch a band who feel like a molotov cocktail of Black Sabbath, Led Zeppelin, and The Beatles.

Chris screams his powerful voice through the stadium as Kim teases the crowd with rough chords. The fans at the front have now created a mosh pit for they know what song is coming. Like a phoenix from the flames, Chris surges to the front of the stage arms up and to the side as the band launch into 'Jesus Christ Pose'.

It all seemed just like a dream, as if it wasn't really happening. I had never seen a crowd so massive and the energy that radiated throughout the stadium was immense.

The song ends with Chris attaching his guitar to the microphone to make a crucifix, then slowly almost torturously he rips the strings off the guitar, pulling them through the pickups, making an overwhelming screaming, distorted un- human like sound that shook me to my core. I had never seen or heard him make that sound with his guitar before and the audience sure loved every single second of it.

He then lays the guitar down on one of the amp monitors, laying down over top of it himself, straddling the monitor while it continues to scream it's feedback cry. Once the Silver Burst Gibson couldn't take anymore, he runs off stage leaving the guitar screaming and heads straight towards me. He flips his curls out of his face and crashes his lips to mine. He startled me at first but then as his lips began to move with mine, he held my face in his palms, not wanting to let me go. While the crowd continues to cheer, the guys from their crew begin to take down some of the equipment for Faith No More to start, but Chris keeps his lips locked on mine.

I had to pull away from him to breathe and when I did, he touched his forehead to mine and looked at me under his brow.  
"Bus?" He pants, his voice a little hoarse from singing his lungs out. I look at him and know exactly what he wants to do. I bite my bottom lip then take his hand and lead him off the stage.

•••

"Ok good... there's no one up here," Chris says as I follow him down the middle of the bus.  
"Not yet anyways," I giggle.  
"Shhh... don't jinx it," Chris hushes me. 'Jinx'? since when had he ever said that before?

"Ok, what are you... 5?" I laugh at his use of the word.   
"Just shut up and get in here," He chuckles as he takes me to the back of the bus and closes the divider behind us, the music still blasting from the stadium as Faith No More starts their set. He then turns back to face me, flipping his dark curls out of his face and immediately crashes his lips to mine.

Dear fucking god I've wanted him all day. His teasing earlier was so torturous that it was all I could stand not to run out in the middle of his performance, especially during the last moment of 'Jesus Christ Pose' when he laid down on top of that guitar making it scream. I want him to make me scream like that beautiful guitar.

His hands grab my hips and he pulls me into him, pressing himself against my body while his tongue swiped across my bottom lip. Jeezus, he's excited already. His hands slide to my lower back and up my shirt, his caloused fingers skipping across my skin as he presses me to him. I aggressively suck his bottom lip as he waists no time in moving his fingers to my bra and pulling down the one cup, exposing my breast in his hand to stroke and play with my nipple. Our lips part for a moment to catch our breath as he moves his lips to my jawline, softly nipping and biting the whole way. My breath hitches for a moment and I let out a pleased little whimper, feeling him smile at the sound that came out of me.

He stops biting my jawline momentarily and his lips crash back to mine. I pull myself from his lips for a second and quickly rip my shirt off from over my head and whip it somewhere in the back room as he swiftly unclasps my bra, pulling the straps down over my shoulders, letting it fall to the floor, freeing my breasts before him. He drops to his knees, pressing his lips to the area above the waistline of my low rider ripped jeans, pops open the button and rips the zipper down.

"Impatient are we?" I giggle with a smirk.

"I've been wanting to play the fuck out of you all fucking day..." His voice so husky and filled with sexual tension that sent a rush of heat to the pit of my stomach. I bite my bottom lip as he rips my jeans down over my hips, taking my panties with them, alowing me to quickly step out of them and kick them aside. His hands wander up my legs and around to my butt, giving me a little squeeze as he playfully bites my hip, brushing his soft lips over my chilled skin, his beard tickling me the whole time in the most amazing way possible. I inhale trying to catch my breath while his hot tongue licks over my body but still not where I desperately want him to lick. He playfully pushes me back so that I drop down on to the couch in the back room of the bus, us both laughing as I bounce a little.

With his Irish blue eyes locked on mine, piercing right through to my soul, he crawls to me on his knees, pushing my legs open for him, his hands moving from my knees, up over my thighs and to grip me at my hips. I felt a slight chill in the air and I cross my arms over my chest covering my breasts.

"I don't think so," He scolds me, reaching up and taking my arms away from my chest.  
"But I'm cold," I whine.

"Let me warm you up then," He says turning his attention to my sweet spot, using his fingers to softly carress and tease around my entrance. I close my eyes and bite my bottom lip, feeling my heart begin to beat faster, as he uses his warm breath, blowing softly against my sensitive areas. I lean back further into the couch while his soft lips make contact with my clit, using his hands to spread me open for him.

My brow furrows as my mouth drops open, letting out a whimper of pleasure as I lean my head back on the back of the couch. His tongue flicks and circles while he uses his thumb to stroke around my entrance, his lips softly sucking all at the same time. I try to grip the edge of the couch as I find myself moving my hips in response to his lips, feeling the chill I once had melt as my breathing starts to quicken.

I let out another small squeal of pleasure and for some reason I feel him smiling down there. After all of the torturous teasing all day I already started to feel the wonderful contractions inside my abdomen. I don't want to loose myself too quickly so I try to concentrate on other things, like the feeling of his fingers touching my skin, his lips that know exactly where to kiss me to drive me wild, the way his eyes flick over my every curve when I undress for him, the way he plays that beautiful guitar I love so much, the way he sings to me, making me feel like I'm the only one for him...

"Oh. My. Fuck..." I whimper panting in between each word that escaped my lips. He flicks his tongue over and over, inserting his finger inside me prodding and pumping, driving me crazy.

I move my fingers to his hair, entwining my fingers around his soft silky curls while I move my hips against his sucking. Before I know it, that wonderful feeling of unbelievable warmth and pressure began to build from my abdomen and though I know what is about to happen, it's so different and new each time, taking me on a journey through time and space.

"Come on baby... cum for me," He purrs moving away, replacing his lips with his thumb, causing another small squeal to escape my throat, but not before quickly returning his lips, sucking more persistently. I drop my hands from his gorgeous dark locks, and raise my arms above my head in an attempt to grip the back of the couch. I bite my lip and arch my back letting out another squeal of pleasure.

"Cum..." He demands, his voice slightly muffled with his lips still working their magic on me. He sends me over the edge by just his command, my eyes flick open and I throw my head back with my whole body tingling and on fire.

"Fuck. Yes. Fuck. Jeezus. Fuck, Ugh," I swore letting out a high pitched whine in between each word that fell out of my mouth. The mind altering orgasm that took over my entire body had me shivering and shaking, all the while Chris continued to play me through it.

He moves away from me, wipes his face with the palm of his hand, then moves his hands back to grip my hips, sliding up my sides as he leans back down places hot wet kisses up my abdomen, to my stomach and up between my breasts as I try to regain my composure. I was still panting trying to calm myself as his lips travel to my chest. He stops to place each palm on either side of my face, touching his forehead to mine forcing me to look into his eyes. My brow furrows as I focus on him. The look he's giving me with those blue orbs of his as his pupils dilate, make me fall in love with him all over again. I have no idea how he can turn the most animalistic, aggressive sex into making love to me in just one look, but he does it every time.

Realizing that I'm the only one completely naked here, I need to change this real quick. My hands head straight for his shorts, unbuckling his belt by tugging and fumbling before finally it breaks free, ripping down the zipper, careful not to hurt him, his erection is practically bursting through his boxers. Without taking my eyes off of him, I rip his shorts with his boxers down and immediately begin to palm him, feeling his hardness in my hand, watching his eyes flutter closed as I work him.

With him between my legs I position myself, stroking him while I begin to stroke myself. Chris keeps his eyes locked on mine, bites his bottom lip then moves my hand away from him, taking over where I left off and watches me play with myself. My eyes flutter closed, throwing my head back on the couch as I use gentle circular motions, teasing and stroking. I'm not sure what made me start to do this but I am totally and completely enjoying myself. I've never done this in front of him before to this extent. Normally I just show him how I like it with him still touching me.

He moans as I continue to feel his gaze upon me. I bite my bottom lip and let out a pleasurable sound as I continue to play, losing myself within myself. I feel him use his fingers to stroke my entrance as I arch my back and let out another small squeal.

"Oh fuck... yes baby... let me watch you " He purrs, leaning down once more, his lips placing soft fleeting kisses on my fingers as I use varying circular motions, teasing and playing, enjoying every single second, causing more pleasurable sounds emerging from within me.

•••

"Uh yea I think I've got some in my jacket. I left it in the back here... let me check," Ben says as he steps up on to the bus. He walks down the middle of the bus none the wiser, checks his bunk first and continues on his way to the back of the bus.

•••

"I'm gonna cum baby..." He whimpers, his eyes wandering over my every curve, watching me as I play with myself. I was completely lost in the moment when the divider to the back room opened and I flick my eyes up to see Ben standing there in horror.

"OH SHIT!" Ben yelps.  
"OH MY GOD!!!" I scream in shock.  
"OH FUCK!!!" Chris cries and I couldn't tell if he came, or if it was because Ben walked in on us.  
"Shit! I - I'm, I'm sorry," Ben says horrified and slams the divider shut.  
"God damn it! Fuck," Chris exclaims, frustratedly and moves away from me. I once again feel so mortified at what happened that I grab one of the blankets that were on the couch and covered myself, bringing my knees up to my chest and putting my face in my hands. Chris pulls up his boxers and his shorts but leaves them unbuttoned and moves back over to me.

"Baby... you ok?" He says as he flips his curls out of his face.   
"I'm never having sex on this bus again," My voice muffled in my hands.  
"Oh, baby... it's ok," Chris says as he moves some of my curls behind my ear.   
"No, I mean it... again...? like, how the hell...? ," I say still not picking my head up. He lets out a sigh as he looks at me for a few moments, realizing just how embarrassed I am.  
"I'll be right back ok?" Chris says and I nod my head but still keep my face buried. He places a kiss on my temple and stands up, buckles his shorts and heads out to the front of the bus. I hear more voices at the front of the bus but the music from the stadium was so loud it was difficult to make out just what they were saying. I grab my clothes and put them on as fast as I can, pissed off and frustrated, and just as I'm tying up my boot, Chris comes back in.

"Babe, you didn't have to get dressed so fast," He says as I move to my other boot.  
"It's fine," I say trying to hide my frustration.  
"Hey... are you ok?" He says as he kneels back down in front of me.   
"Yea," I exhale, moving my curls out of my eyes. He looks at me as I finish tying up my boot and then I try to gather the blanket to fold it back up.

"Ben didn't mean to walk in on us, it was an accident. He was looking for his smokes... of all things... and thought he left them back here in his jacket. Which he did..." Chris says as he looks at the corner of the couch that had Ben's jacket laying on the arm, his smokes poking out of the side pocket. I turn and see the jacket laying there and feel even more guilty that we were having sex on Ben's jacket. Why does everyone keep leaving their smokes back here? I look back at Chris smirking at me and suddenly my embarrassment turned into a laughing fit that I somehow could not control.

Chris raises his eyebrows at me and starts to laugh at me because I'm laughing so hard.  
"How, the fuck, does this happen..? I mean... the same fucking thing happened with Jason..." I laugh.   
"I know...." Chris laughs. We laugh together for a few more minutes as I wipe my eyes from the tears caused by me laughing so hard and then Chris stands up holding out his hand for me to take.

"Oh fuck that, I'm not going out there," I guffaw as I attempt to straighten my Pantera shirt  
"Andi, its fine, no one cares," Chris says still holding his hand out to me.  
"Yea right... the minute I go out there Kim is going to make a joke and I'm pretty sure Ben won't as much as look me in the eye anymore... I'm not going out there,"

"Babe, no one is going to make a joke... and even if Kim does, you know how he is... just make a sarcastic remark back and he'll shut up... It's ok, I promise, now just come out there with me?" Chris pleads still holding his hand out for me to take. I sat there for a moment looking at his hand and then sigh knowing that I'm gonna have to face them all at some point.

"Ok... but I'm serious about never having sex back here again," I say looking up as Chris gives me a smirk. I glance down at his toned, smooth bare chest then to his abs and I'm already wanting to fuck him back here again, God damn it.

"We gotta get a lock for that divider," I say still looking at his chest and he chuckles at me with his beautiful smile easing the embarrassment.  
"I thought so... now come on out with me?" Chris says so cutely and I take his hand and stand up. He leans down to me and places a kiss on my lips, his beard tickling me a little. He pulls away and I bite my bottom lip trying to control myself as he places a quick kiss on my forehead then leads me out of the back room.


	64. If it Sits Upon Your Tongue

Langraaf, Netherlands June 8 1992

It was a couple of weeks into the GNR tour, and I think I was finally getting in to the groove of keeping the guys to a schedule. Lucky for me, they're pretty good at wanting to be on time which makes everything else easier, but I can tell they are getting bored with having to stick to a schedule all the time.

We are currently on the tour bus on our way to Landgraaf for the Pink Pop Festival that is held every year at the beginning of the summer. GNR have a week off for a much needed rest, but Over the last couple of weeks though, it's become quite apparent that Axl has been really flirting with me when Chris isn't around. I mean it's fine because I am definitely not interested in Axl at all. I'm a fan and that's it. I don't think I'm flirting back... I mean, I'm nice to him when he's talking to me but the way he looks at me sometimes is starting to make me feel weird. At first I didn't really think anything of it but now, I'm not so sure. Maybe this week off the GNR tour will help me just relax about it.

Right now, I'm having trouble sleeping in my tiny bunk in the back with Chris sleeping above me. I hate sleeping in this little bunk by myself. I much rather try and get a hotel room, even if it is just a cheap room but there were none available on our way to Landgraaf. Frustrated and annoyed that I can't sleep, I climb out of my bunk, adjust my P.J's and glance up at Chris who seemed to be sleeping soundly laying on his back with his one arm under his head. I wish I could crawl in there with him and have him hold me so I could fall asleep but we both won't fit. I lift myself up a little and place a kiss on his bare chest and hear him stir a little but still doesn't wake up. I then make my way to the front of the bus closing the divider behind me. I grab a seat at the dinning table and take out my planner and decide to go over the schedule for the day. I wasn't exactly sure what time is was but it was still dark outside.

While I'm going over the schedule, I hear the divider open and I glance back to see Kim rubbing his eyes to focus in the dim light of the bus.

"Hey, Andi..." He says with his groggy sleep voice.  
"Hey, I didn't wake you did I?" I ask quietly.  
"No... just can't sleep," Kim says as he sits down at the table across from me.  
"Yea me either," I say and look down at the schedule.  
"Trying to sleep on a bus can suck sometimes, especially when it's moving around as much as this one is," Kim says as he pulls out a cigarette and lights it up.

"Yea..."

"Knowing Chris, I'm surprised he's sleeping... I would've thought he would be the one out here," Kim says.  
"Or trying to crawl into my bunk and getting frustrated cause he can't fit," I giggle.  
"Did he actually try that?" Kim chuckles.  
"Yea... I mean not to... I mean just to sleep but he got mad and went back into his bunk," I laugh remembering the incident. He was so adorable trying to fit in with me, trying to help me fall asleep but it didn't work. Kim smirks and takes a drag off his cigarette then exhales a cloud of smoke.

"So what's on the schedule for today boss?," Kim smirks and takes another drag.  
"Well... you and Chris have an interview with Kerrang magazine... one of the editors has set it up before the show... um... looks like it's for 1:00pm today... the meeting's at a pub... Overste Hof...or something..." I laugh trying to pronounce the name and Kim chuckles.

"Then just your show..."

"Cool..." Kim says puffing his smoke.  
"What..?" I ask after a few moments of silence with Kim giving me a thoughtful look.  
"You know we haven't really talked in a while... just you and me... everything ok with you?" Kim puffs his smoke.  
"Yea... I guess so..." I say a little off guard but I know where he's coming from. We haven't really talked in a long time. He's usually always the one I run to when Chris are fighting, though that's not very often, or just when I need someone else's perspective on things.

"Well... I don't know... there's something that's been bothering me for a bit but... I could be reading way too much into it..." I trail off as I close my planner and a little more silence between us takes over.  
"Go on..." Kim encourages.

"Well... I don't even know how to bring this up and I don't want to sound paranoid or anything... but Axl has been really weird with me... like flirting but not in a way I'm comfortable with.... like... I don't know how to explain it," I confess.

"Have you said anything to Chris?" Kim asks.

"Not really"

"Then you gotta tell him," Kim says.  
"Well I know but I don't want to start a fight, or make it weird... I don't know... I never told him about Eddie and even tho-"  
"Wait, what? What happened with Eddie?" Kim cuts me off and I realize that I said a little too much.

Shit.

"Ok... when I was going though the stuff with my mom, when Chris and I were apart, and I was confused and shit.... I met Eddie before Chris ever introduced him to me but I didn't know it was Eddie-Eddie... if that makes sense?"  
"Uh huh," Kim says gesturing me to keep going.  
"So while I was stupid and shutting out Chris, I started to hang out with Eddie a few times, nothing serious, just friends like... whatever right?" I say quietly and Kim nods.

"There was one time Eddie and I were hanging out, we grabbed some food... no big deal... totally innocent... just friends. Eddie walked me home and when he was about to say goodbye to me, he kissed me," I say as I look at Kim.  
"Ok," Kim says still not getting it.  
"No I mean, like kissed me-kissed me,"  
"Oh," Kim says flatly.  
"I stopped the kiss obviously... " I trail off as Kim looks away thinking for a moment.

"At that point I hadn't even mentioned anything about Chris to Eddie so Eddie had no idea. Then when Chris and I got back together, I never mentioned anything to Chris about Eddie cause... I don't know... like I said, I was stupid and confused..."  
"Andi, don't say that," Kim says.  
"Well... I felt that way... anyways, I never told Chris and when Chris finally officially introduced me to Eddie after we had made up and everything... we just played it off like we just met for the first time, which was the night at The Moore Theatre like a year ago. Eddie has never told Chris and neither have I, cause... it was nothing," I explain.  
"Nothing else happened between you and Eddie?"  
"No, Nothing else... but now I feel like the same thing is about to happen with Axl this time. Like, Axl is super extra flirty with me and it's... I don't know,"   
"Andi you gotta tell him," Kim says.

"I know... I... I was just so messed up when I found out my mother was dying. I just didn't want to feel it anymore... you know? It's even worse now that she's gone... I try to keep it together... and not think about it... I can't sleep and I keep having weird dreams... that are like, so vivid... and I don't want to think about how much I miss her..." I confess even more as I look down at my planner and play with the clasp.

"Have you told him that?" Kim asks.  
"No..."  
"Andi..." Kim gives me a look  
"I know... but I can't..." I say still looking down at my planner.  
"You're telling me right now though," Kim says.  
"Yea..." I say and trail off thinking about how much Kim is right.

"If I know Chris... and trust me I do... He's gonna understand... of all people he will understand.... you just gotta let it out or it's gonna eat at you... and I wouldn't want to see anything happen to you two. I mean let's fucking face it, you two are made for each other," Kim chuckles a little and I look up at him and smirk.

"I have never seen him fight for anyone like the way he did to get you back... He wrote a fucking song about you... a few actually... like, he never did that before, not even with Susan," Kim says and takes another drag of his smoke.

"He told me what happened with her... and I feel like I just did what she did..." I say looking back down and playing with the clasp again.

"No, Andi... not even close... she fucked him up big time..." He says and exhales a cloud of smoke and I look up at him confused.  
"He told you about her and Bruce right?"  
"Yea..." I say.  
"Well he wasn't the only one... Bruce was just a one time thing that he happened to walk in on. She was fucking around with a lot of guys... there was Jim Tillman from the U-Men... Alex Vincent from Green River... like... everyone knew and Chris didn't which made it awkward when we used to hang out with those guys. Well I don't think Jeff or Stone knew but... trust me, you didn't do anything close to that," Kim says and takes another drag of his smoke.

As I sit there with Kim telling me all the stuff that Susan did to Chris, I swear I could never ever do that. I mean I know Eddie and I kissed but that seems so innocent now compared to what Susan did.

"Andi... you just gotta talk to him about it,"  
"I know...just... not yet... I gotta find the right time... somehow"

Fuck, I hate this.

•••

Later on that morning we finally arrive in Landgraaf and went to the last hotel that I could find to get a room for me and the guys. I had made the mistake of leaving the booking until the last minute and couldn't find any rooms available for the night. Of course I would fuck this up.

"There is one room left, well more like 2 rooms that are connected to each other and they both only have single beds," The receptionist says.  
"Are you sure? I mean... there's five of us," I plead standing at the desk while the guys stood behind me.  
"I'm sorry," She says giving me a sympathetic look. I feel defeated and stressed out all at the same time. I haven't slept and you could clearly see it all over my face. All I wanted was a shower and a nap. I turn and look back at the guys and I think they could tell I was exhausted.

"Babe, it's fine.... we'll make it work," Chris says.  
"Ok... We'll take it..." I exhale as I turn back to the receptionist. She nods at me and sets us up with the room and hands me the key. We all grab our bags and head up to the room and as soon as we walk in, we notice just how small it is. It had the two single beds, one on each side of the adjacent room, a small love seat and chair with a little table between them and a small washroom with the tiniest shower stall I had ever seen. This sucked.

"Well hey, at least there's a love seat and a chair in here..." Matt says as he sets his bag down.  
"That bed is mine!" Kim says as he walks over to one of the beds.  
"I don't think so," Ben says.  
"Sorry... claimed it" Kim says and sits down on the bed closest to the window.  
"Fuck man, let me have it," Ben says with a bit of a whine.  
"Nope... I'm older... it's mine," Kim smirks.  
"Really? You're gonna play that card?" Ben chuckles.  
"Yep, I'm the oldest so I need a bed... you can sleep on the floor..." Kim smirks and Chris looks at both of them and starts to laugh. Oh fuck, what did I get myself into?

...

A little bit later I was able to shower quickly and change but there was no time for a nap. After we were all able to freshen up and change, we had to meet downtown at the pub for the magazine interview with Kerrang. Ben and Matt decided to head to the festival early to meet with the crew and make sure things were set to go, so I could get the interview set up for Chris and Kim.

We arrive at the pub and the editor turns from the far table that was beside the large window, sees Chris first and waves us over.

"Hi, I'm Lonn, it's so great to meet you guys. You must be Andrea right?" He says standing up from his seat as we approach the table and he shakes my hand.

"Um, yea... sorry we're a little late... traffic," I smile at him returning the handshake.  
"It's no problem, I had a hell of a time getting here myself... the roads are crazy here," Lonn smiles at me.

"Oh I know, Everyone drives on the wrong side of the road..."I giggle a little and look up at Chris realizing that joke was not funny at all, but Lonn chuckles with me while Chris gives raises his eyebrow at me.

"I'm sure you already know... uh, this is Chris and Kim..." I say a little nervously gesturing to them as Chris changes his expression and gives me the cutest smirk ever which eases me a little.  
"Uh yes, it's good to finally meet you in person," Lonn says as they shake hands. I look down at my notes in my planner and brief Chris and Kim on Lonn and what the interview is about, obviously letting them know Lonn travelled a long way for this interview so it's not going to be your typical 'Do you compare yourselves to Led Zepplin?' or 'Chris, you sing like Robert plant... can you elaborate' type of shit.

"Alright...I'll uh leave you guys to it just let me know if you need anything, I'll be up at the bar, " I smile feeling Chris' gaze as he smiles so cutely at me. I think he can tell I'm nervous as all fuck but I'm trying to be confident and act like I know what I'm doing.

"Thanks baby," Chris says so sweetly to me and leans down to place a quick kiss on my lips.  
"You're welcome," I smile when he pulls away from me. I give him a gentle tap on his chest then make my way to the bar with my planner, order myself a Jack and Coke and look over the schedule.


	65. Heroes And Heroin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Re-written from an old magazine article I found, I think it was RIP magazine instead of Kerrang, but I changed it to fit the location and context of the story.

Landgraaf, Netherlands Overste Hof Pub, June 8 1992

From The Point of View of the Editor - Lonn M. Friend

Chris Cornell is bathed in white light. Maybe it's just a trick of the local pub's dimly lit table that sat beside the large window overlooking the streets of Landgraaf , but I swear, there's something special about his presence. Clad in a pair of standard Seattle below-the-knee baggy shorts, a black 90 logo T-shirt and black Doc Martens (even though they're dirty, they somehow shine like they've been recently spit-polished), he sips a Diet Coke and Jack Daniels and relaxes in the booth, fully prepared for my journalistic bombardment. Chris' wife and Personal Assistant, Andrea Cornell, has already briefed the dark-haired, blue-eyed vocalist on our engagement and that your humble editor did not travel thousands of miles just to make idle chit chat, re-iterating that nothing is off limits.

She strolls away off to the bar in her Pantera tank top, her ripped jeans and black Doc Marten's that match Chris's so impressively. It's very apparent that she is a metal chick who is extremely cute and down to earth with a bit of shyness that she makes up for in exuding sweetness and humor. Upon first impression already, the chemistry between her and Chris is impeccable.

Married, just shy of a year, the couple have maintained an extremely low profile. The news of their marriage broke last year through MTV's Headbangers Ball and since then, they have remained close and practically inseparable. You can clearly see that they are made for each other.

Soundgarden has fought its way from the humble halls of Sub Pop all the way to big label (A&M) gold. With this new visibility comes the scrutiny of the metal and mainstream masses, who now hunger for this exceptional rock band. They want to hear their take on the world and its wonders. I've got my own agenda for this interview though. I've chosen to focus on something considerably less glamorous than MTV rotation and screaming arena crowds, but profoundly heavy in its relation to the torrent of amazing music that's poured down from the great Northwest over the past year.

Four incredible songs put Seattle on the modern hard-rock map; Alice In Chains' "Man in the Box," Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit," Pearl Jam's "Alive" and Soundgarden's "Outshined." Each awesome track, in its own way, tells of psychological struggle and youthful angst, yet each bears the personal stamp of the band that created it. Fabulous success has come to those who penned and marketed these songs and the LPs to which they're attached. Nirvana's Nevermind alone has eclipsed four million in domestic sales and shows no signs of slowing down. The Seattle scene is the focus of the rock world and, as we speak, countless "grungy" clone bands are being signed with hopes that others can capitalize on this movement. (I don't call it a fad or trend, because this music is too real, too heavy, to be a commercially motivated creation) and while all eyes are on Seattle, one band sits back and observes the phenomenon that they are not only a part of now, but were also instigators of in the beginning.

Chris Cornell engages me in a brief history lesson, His brow furrowing while he tells the tale.

"The Seattle scene, if you want to call it that, started with four bands, Green River, the Melvins, Malfunkshun and Soundgarden. The Melvins are still together in San Francisco. They began in, like, '83. Their bass player ended up in Mudhoney. Green River ended up being Mudhoney, Mother Love Bone and Pearl Jam. Andy Wood, from Mother Love Bone, was originally in Malfunkshun. The first record released by a Seattle band was 'Come on Down' by Green River, on Homestead Records and Slash Records was trying to pursue Green River at the same time we had a Homestead and a Sub Pop record coming out. A&M got a copy of this compilation of 12 bands sent out by a local radio station, KCMU. They liked the song we had on it and started coming up to check out the scene, seeing us play and stuff. We put out an EP and, well, that's it in a nutshell."

Soundgarden have been called the Godfathers of Grunge, and for good reason. Their longevity and consistency are an example to the successful acts that have come along since their inception. Their 1989 A&M debut, Louder Than Love, was critically acclaimed, and sold well enough to set them up for hit status with the release of last year's magnificent Badmotorfinger.

Soundgarden, however, is not just a musical cornerstone of the Seattle scene. The lives of its bandmembers are intertwined with what is transpiring up there right now. And herein lies the rub: There is a darkness hovering over the city, despite its artistic boom-town feel and natural beauty. A serious drug-abuse problem is festering in the streets. Heroin use among young adults in Seattle is among the highest of any city in the United States, and some of this abuse is taking place in the rock community. It's not just fledgling bands looking for a record deal that find solace in the needle. Tragically, the monkey is riding the backs of several of Seattle's brightest stars. Out of respect for the privacy of those individuals currently grappling with drug problems I'm choosing to keep their identities secret. These unfortunates are well known to Chris and Kim, though, who view their plight with thoughtful compassion.

"I don't do drugs, and the band doesn't do drugs," says Chris firmly.

"It's sort of helped us stay together. We all had, and still have, friends that do that shit. It just creates a different world for the person who's using. You can't really function or coexist in someone else's world if they're on drugs and you're not. It isn't that I'm necessarily a really together guy and that I can handle stress better than somebody who's using drugs, it's just that I choose not to do it. It's nothing but self-destruction. I think the pressure of success, or striving for that success, sometimes causes you to implode. It's like, it's really great playing shows, making records and writing songs; and then you're successful, and you say, 'Now what do we do?' That drive to succeed is part anger and part determination. The end of that, sometimes, drives a person to drugs"

"When I was 11 'til about the age of 14, I did drugs every single day," Chris admits.

"I grew up with the guys that had the nervous twitches and half their brains dead because of the shit they did. In Seattle, when I was young, the drug culture wasn't the same as in San Francisco in the '60s. It wasn't really a philosophy of, 'Free your mind with drugs.' It was more like, 'Fuck up your mind with drugs.' To create alternate realities doesn't necessarily help you understand your own reality. To me, music is recreation. Music is my drug. I realized this at 15. I was lucky to see it then."

Soundgarden guitarist Kim Thayil is unwinding after the long trip from Paris to here in Landgraaf for the Pink Pop music Festival. The Guns N'Roses tour is taking a short week break which allows them time to play for the kids who have been infected with the Soundgarden bug overseas.

"Spending time with Axl on the Guns tour, I realize how much stuff written about them is really bullshit. They treat us better than any band ever has. " Chris says sipping his Jack and Diet Coke. 

Soundgarden's bearded axe Kim Thayil takes a long drink of his Heineken.

"It's not tragic, it's a cartoon," He observes about Seattle's drug scene.

"I think it's more a deplorable situation than a true tragedy. I don't know if anyone is a great hero done in by their own weakness, in the Greek tragic sense. I think it's just a cartoon--albeit, a dark cartoon. I'm not being flippant or disregarding the issue, the issue troubles me deeply, but I must assume that people are intelligent. They can make decisions regarding their lives themselves--although I am constantly shown that they can't."

The heroin problem in Seattle was brought to media attention by the death of Andy Wood in March of 1990. Mother Love Bone's charismatic frontman was beloved by many in the Seattle scene. His death from a heroin overdose at age 24 shook up the local rock community. It even inspired an incredibly emotional collaboration LP, Temple of the Dog. The title of the A&M release was taken from Andy's words in an Mother Love Bone song. The band featured Jeff Ament and Stone Gossard, formerly of Love Bone (and currently of Pearl Jam), Eddie Vedder and Mike McCready of Pearl Jam, and Matt Cameron and Chris Cornell of Soundgarden.

Everybody knew Andy, but, as Chris recalls, his untimely passing did little to shock the needles out of the arms of the addicted.

"I knew several people who were doing smack when Andy died. A few of them were like, 'This is it. I don't want to die. Let's start going to meetings and kick this shit.' But just as many were out there on a bender somewhere, because of what happened. Lots of people had opposite reactions. They'd say to themselves, 'He's dead because of something that could kill me, and I'm doing it because I can't deal with his death. So I'm just going to go out and do more.'

"I felt really alone when Andy died," Chris continues.

"I spent a lot of time with him and tried to work out his pain creatively. Most of the time I really didn't know Andy was using. I offered to have him live with me, because he had just gotten out of treatment. He was going to live on the island with his parents, where he grew up. I thought that would be harder for him. Later on he ended up moving in with his girlfriend at the time which left me to eventually move out on my own, obviously before my wife, Andrea and I were married, but while Andy lived with me, most of the time it was me watching him struggle not to shoot up, not to drink. It wasn't like observing Andy's high; it was more like experiencing him squirming."

"The last time I cried was when Andy died," sighs Kim.

"Actually, that's not true. I cried the whole week, every time I thought about it. I missed him so much, and it wasn't because of the heroin. He could've been mountain climbing or he could have been driving his car real fast. Andy did drugs because he enjoyed doing it. It made him feel good. I remember teasing him about the marks in his arms. 'Say, what ya got there, man, a rash?' He started laughing, 'Yeah, a little rash.' We worked together at a cafe. I never said, 'What the fuck is wrong with you?' I'm sure there were enough people in his life saying that to him. There were people that didn't want him to drink. I remember a night when we were at a Nirvana show at a small club downtown. I bought a six-pack at the 7-Eleven. We hid in the back, behind this piano, and drank it. He was telling me that he shouldn't be drinking. I said to him, 'Do you want me to tell you not to drink, 'cause I'm gonna drink this?' If he didn't want it, I wouldn't have given it to him. In the two weeks after Andy's death there were people that blamed the drug. 'It's a disease,' they said. They implied that Andy didn't have a will, and they were taking away the little respect he should have been afforded-that he could make choices on his behalf. I don't agree with the disease model of substance abuse at all. I think it's a medical cartel scam fostered by the insurance companies. The disease model takes away where the problem lies, which is how a person exercises his or her will. You make that person responsible. The moment you suggest that the drug has a will, you are taking away the individual's power of personal responsibility. You've got to say people are making their own decision. They may not be wise decisions, but they certainly know what's good or bad for them.

"Bruce Fairweather is one of my closest friends now," Kim adds.

"When we put on Apple, we make jokes, we drink, we laugh. We remember the good times. There was no one like Andy, and regardless of when in his life he died, he did live all of his life. That's the way he lived it. There are a lot of people acting as if Andy has taken something away from them. When I cried for Andy, was I weeping for his loss or mine? Maybe both. We were on tour last year, listening to Love Bone, and I was silent for an hour. Then, all of a sudden, I punched out this glass globe on the bus. I just sat there afterwards, shaking. And periodically I hear Andy's voice. It gives me this rush. It really hits me, especially when I'm sitting there with Bruce.... God, I was just thinking about him now. It's weird. Shit, I've known too many people who have died now. One thing that really bugs me is the list keeps growing."

As individuals, Chris, Kim, bassist Ben Shepherd and drummer Matt Cameron bleed for their lost peers and hold continuous supportive court with the past, present and future artists of the gifted rock community they helped foster. As a band, however, Soundgarden are tight knit.

"It's Soundgarden against the world!" cries Kim, semi-sarcastically and Chris chuckles taking the last sip of his jack and Diet Coke.

"We're a serious circle of four who put our shields up and shut out lookers. We yell at people to get off our bus and spit and flip people off--whatever it takes. We are not your heroes."

"I don't know how everyone else feels but I definitely go through periods of extreme self-confidence, feeling like I can do anything, " Chris says

"Perhaps a fan will sense that, like in a performance, and the hero image creeps out. But then someone will say something, however insignificant, or I'll get something in my head and, all of a sudden, I'm plummeting in the opposite direction, I'm a piece of shit, and I really can't do anything about it. That's where 'Outshined' comes from, and why I'll never consider myself a hero."

The real ones never do, Chris....


	66. A Secret 'Til the Last Words Untold

Landgraaf Netherlands, Pink Pop Festival June 8 1992

Later on that afternoon we were able to make it to the festival grounds at Pink Pop. The sky had grown considerable more grey as the afternoon approached and it was now just slightly misting, but not quite raining. Matt and Ben had already gone over stuff with the crew which helped me out tremendously, easing a bit of the stress. They all keep telling me to relax but I can't help that I feel the need to do everything for them myself. Thank God there isn't anything else planned today so I leave the planner and schedule in my bunk, then Chris, Kim and I all pile off the tour bus. Kim leaves to go find Matt and Ben while Chris takes my hand and we head over to the backstage area. With my hand in his, our fingers laced together holding one another like we usually do, he pulls me close and places a kiss on the back of my hand, then places a kiss on my temple. He scent is so intoxicating every time, causing little butterfly feelings in my stomach. Even after all this time, he still does that to me.

"Chris! Fuck man good to see you! I didn't know you guys were playing here today," Jeff calls as we approach one of the trailers behind the stage. He was standing just outside the door of the trailer, drink in hand, the biggest excited smile spreading across his face.

"I could say the same about you," Chris smiles as they shake hands and hug each other. I always find it so adorable how they always do that when they see each other.  
"Shit, it's been a while hasn't it?" Jeff says tapping Chris playfully on his chest.  
"Yea... fuck it has...like, what almost a year now?" Chris exhales, flipping his dark curls out of his eyes, thinking about all the time that has passed.  
"Yea man... we've been so busy... you guys touring... we're touring..." Jeff trails off.

"Andi sweetie... how are you?" Jeff says as he turns to me and leans down to give me a hug.  
"Hey... I'm good," I say as Jeff squeezes me.   
"Fuck... I can't believe you guys got married... well I mean I can, but holy shit... I'm so happy for you guys," Jeff says when he pulls away from me.  
"Awe... thank you," I say shyly.   
"Well fuck... come up in the trailer... have a few drinks?" Jeff gestures for us to follow and we head inside the trailer.   
"Sure man," Chris smiles and takes my hand to lead me into the trailer with him.

The trailer was just like all the others on this tour, a long corridor basically with a few chairs and a ton of coolers that housed all the alcoholic drinks you can think of. Stone and Mike were sitting at one of the fold out tables, Mike playing away on his acoustic guitar as Stone poured a shot of whiskey and downed it quickly. Stone immediately saw Chris first and a huge smile plastered across his face as he stood up and called Chris over while I shyly stand by the door, to give him the biggest hug. It really had been too long. As Chris lets go of my hand, my eyes suddenly land on Eddie who sat at the opposite end of the table taking a sip of his beer. After Stone and Chris finished greeting each other, Eddie stood up as Chris moved over to him and like usual, they embraced each other.

"Shit, it's been a while huh?" Chris says to Eddie as they break away from each other.  
"Yea... yea it has... you see all those people out there? Holy shit man, it's unreal," Eddie says, astonished at the fact that Pearl Jam has become so big so fast. Chris laughs a little and pats him on the arm. They catch up with each other for a few moments, then Eddie's eyes suddenly land on me and he gives me a smile. He moves around behind Chris as Chris sits down at the table beside Mike, and walks over to me leaving Chris and Mike to catch up with each other.

"Hi, Andi..." He says as he leans in and gives me the biggest hug he could muster.  
"Hey," I say quietly as he holds me tightly.  
"It's been so long," Eddie says still holding me.  
"Yea..." I say and he pulls away from me.  
"So... married huh?" Eddie smiles at me, pushing his curls behind his ear, his blue eyes looking at me and then glancing down at the ring on my finger.  
"Yea..." I exhale and smile as I look down at my finger.  
"You know this means you can never get rid of him, even if you tried," He smirks and glances up at me.  
"Trust me, I'm quite alright being stuck with him..." I giggle and Eddie laughs with me. As we stand with each other and catch up a little more, I realized just how much I missed his friendship. I know it's just because we've all been so busy but, I miss just hanging out with him and getting food at Murphy's Pub back in Seattle. I wish I had just told Chris what happened and then I wouldn't feel like it's this secret. Ugh, why was I so stupid and confused back then.

"Did you ever tell him...? About... you know," Eddie asks as he looks at me after a little while.   
"No... but I feel like I should... but I'm afraid to," I say as I look down at myself.

"I think maybe I should tell him... it was my fault anyways, I'm the one who... you know," Eddie says looking away from me and then back to catch my eyes again.  
"I don't want to hurt him..." I say.  
"I know..." He exhales and pushes his curls behind his ear again.  
"I hate how it eats at me though... I feel like I'm lying," I say looking back down at myself.  
"Andi... it was so long ago... it was just a kiss...-"

I look up and see Chris standing right beside Eddie, us both not even noticing that Chris had walked up right in the middle of our conversation. Chris's expression falls, his eyebrows slightly furrow, hearing what Eddie was saying to me.

Oh Shit.

"Chris... I-" I start but the look on his face cuts me off and he walks passed me, his curls swaying with his movements, his footsteps heavy against the trailer stairs as he runs down them leaving me there with Eddie.

"Shit," I say to myself and walk out after him leaving Eddie running his hands though his hair.

"Chris!" I call to him as he heads towards the bus. He doesn't answer and he continues to walk away from me. I attempt to follow him but his stride is much quicker given the fact he is so much taller than me. My stomach is instantly turning, feeling like I'm about to throw up. I was going to tell him, but not like this.

•••

"Chris... hey what the-?"  
"Have you seen my smokes? I can't fucking find them," Chris says cutting off Ben as he storms to the back of the bus.  
"No, I haven't man, you can have one of mine," Ben calls to the back of the bus. Chris fumbles around in the back bunk ripping apart his sleeping compartment angrily.

"Fuck!" Chris exclaims and walks back up to the front where Ben was.   
"Hey man, here..." Ben says holding out a cigarette for Chris to take. Chris immediately brings it to his lips and flicks the lighter, inhales, squinting his eyes from the smoke.

"You alright man?" Ben asks confused at why Chris is acting so angered.  
"Yea... what time do we go on?"

"In Like 15 minutes. I was just about to head over... to... the... stage..." Ben trails off as Chris immediately runs down off the bus leaving Ben there by himself.

"Ok, then..." Ben says to himself completely confused and slowly heads off the bus towards the stage.

•••

I didn't know what to do. All I know is that I need to explain myself to Chris. I walk over to the backstage area, knowing that they have to go on soon and I see Kim talking to his guitar tech.

"Kim... have you seen Chris?" I ask a little desperately.  
"Hey Andi... uh no, not yet... why?" He says as he turns to me.  
"I need to uh... I need to talk to him..." I say looking around and looking behind myself to see if he had walked up here yet.  
"I thought he was with you?" Kim says as he straps his Gibson Firebird on.   
"He was... but uh..." I trail off trying desperately not to have a breakdown in front of Kim. He looks at me and notices my frantic expression.

"What happened?" Kim asks concerned.  
"He uh... he-"  
"Hey man," I was cut off by the sound of Chris's voice suddenly appearing behind me. How the fuck is he so quiet? I swear to fuck, his footsteps are heard every other fucking time but now.   
"Hey," Kim nods and heads up to the stage as I turn and look up at Chris.

"Hey," I exhale and give him a half smile but Chris's expression stays cold. Steve comes over and hands him his Cherry Burst Gibson and Chris slings the guitar over his shoulder, adjusting his guitar strap and flipping his hair out of the way. My expression falls a bit as he continues to avoid my gaze.   
"Chris..." I say quietly moving a little closer to him to try to get him to look at me. He still says nothing and walks away from me, quickly trotting up the stairs to the stage. My heart drops and I try as hard as I can to hold myself back from falling apart. I fucked up. I fucked up so God damn bad.

•••

After the performance, Chris had to do a small little interview with one of the reporters for the Pink Pop Festival. While he was doing the interview, Pearl Jam was about to take the stage as their set was next. I figure maybe it would be better if I meet Chris on the bus to at least try to talk, but I definitely did not want to be around any one any longer at this point. On my way back to the bus, I see Eddie walking towards me with Jeff, Stone, Mike and Dave walking behind him. I didn't want Eddie to see me upset so as much as I tried to avoid his gaze, he ended up still getting my attention.

"Andi... hey," Eddie says as he walks up to me. He looks at me and sees me clearly upset, but I try to just walk around him.  
"Hey, what's wrong?" Eddie looks at me concerned as he catches my hand to try to pull me back to face him, while Mike, Stone, Jeff and Dave all head to the stage.  
"I... I just need to go... I don't want to talk about it," I say avoiding his gaze and trying to move passed him but he won't let go of my hand.  
"Andi...?" Eddie furrows his brow at me.  
"I just need to go," I say sternly as I look up into his eyes. I didn't mean for it to come out that way but I'm upset that I made Chris so upset. Eddie's expression drops and he slowly lets go of my hand. I turn and make my way to the bus while Eddie watches me for a few moments, then heads towards the stage.

•••

As I head towards the bus, I see Kim coming out of one of the trailers, beer in hand, where some of the other guys were having a drink afterwords.  
"Andi... hey, come have a drink, Chris should be in here soon," He smiles at me and takes a sip of his beer.  
"Uh... no I'm just gonna head to the bus for a little bit... I'm kinda sleepy," I say nonchalantly hoping Kim doesn't ask me why.   
"Ok... are you ok?" Kim looks at me concerned as I try to keep walking to the bus.  
"Yea... I'm fine... I just want to take a nap," I say as I turn back to face him and walk backwards a little heading to the bus still.  
"Ok..." Kim says still not shaking the concerned look from his face as I turn back and continue on my way to the bus.

I reach the bus and head up inside. Thank God no one else was on here so I could just be alone and wait for Chris when he came up here. I head straight to the back room and softly close the divider. I lay myself down on the couch as I pull the throw blanket up over me. I lay there with my eyes wide open and just wonder how the fuck I got myself into this. I feel horrible. I wish Chris would've just said something, anything, even yelled at me instead of storming away and giving me the silent treatment.

•••

Hours later I wake up in the bus, still in the back room but now it was completely dark outside. I don't even remember falling asleep at all and it was strange to wake up back here by myself. I could still hear some music still going on from the stage. Everyone must still be back in the trailer having drinks I guess. It feels strange to be on this bus by myself and its weird how no one has come up here this whole time. I mean I'm not expecting anyone to check on me, it's just... I don't know... weird.

I move the blanket off me and slowly sit up while I try to find the tiny lamp that was back here to turn it on. I manage to find the switch and squint my eyes from the burning as the light fills the room. I rub my eyes to focus when I suddenly hear someone coming up the steps to the bus. The heavy footsteps make their way to the back of the bus and then head into the bathroom that was just outside the divider. I sit there for a few moments and hear coughing and then a loud burp which made me smirk a little.

"Andi...! Are you up here...?!" Chris's voice booms from the bathroom which startles me a little.  
"Yea...?" I call out groggily, my sleepy voice very apparent.  
The divider opens with Chris leaning very drunkenly against the frame, his dark curls slightly damp from the misty rain.  
"Why the fuck are you up here?" He asks only slightly slurring.  
"I was waiting for you but..."I trail off.  
"You should be with me down there... having drinks with the guys," He says still leaning against the frame.

"Well... I thought I would just come up here to wait for you so I could talk..." I say as I rub the sleep from my eyes.  
"Oh, so you want to talk... well what the fuck do you want to talk about...?" He says in a sarcastic drunken tone. I stop rubbing my eyes and look up at him still leaning against the divider frame, his blue eyes as cold as ice as he looks at me, his jawline stiff, his lips pressed together in a line.

"Should we talk about how you've been lying since last year or the fact that you cheated with my best friend," He says angered and slurred his face cold and hard.  
"Chris I didn't cheat..." I say timidly.

"No, of course you didn't... you just happened to meet Eddie without ever telling me about it and went on as if you had just met for the first time, when I introduced you to him. And then while you were meeting up with each other... also behind my back... you end up kissing him behind my back. You know, I think that's cheating if you ask me,"

Chris moves from the divider frame, his expression still so cold and angry as he slurs his words.

"Chris... will you let me explain?" I say as tears start to fill my eyes.   
"Do you fucking know how much this hurts...? Do you have any fucking clue after everything I've ever done for you!?" He begins to raise his voice as he steps towards me.

"Chris please... just let me please explain it... we weren't together when it happened.." I start to cry.

"I can't fucking believe I fucking fell for this again... do you really think I believe that? and what do you mean we weren't together? We've always been together," He says angrily as he stands in front of me.

"It was right after my mom decided to stop treatment and... I was so confused and stupid and fucked up and I didn't know how to take it..." I cry.

"We were still together... weren't we? I always thought we were still together and that you just needed time to yourself, But I fucking fought to have you, to get you to see that I love you and I was there for you... but you apparently had other plans..." Chris pounds his chest emphasizing his feelings of hurt and pain.

"No I didn't have other plans... I was stupid and confused... I didn't know what to think or how to feel and -"

"So lying to me for all this time that you started seeing Eddie is the answer?" Chris says, his expression still cold, his eyes piercing me like shards of ice.

"I... I didn't... I mean... I didn't mean to not tell you... I just... it was totally innocent. Nothing happened. Eddie kissed me. It's not his fault because I never told him about you so he had no idea... and we weren't 'seeing' each other we just became friends.... we hung out... it was nothing Chris,"

"If he kissed you, it wasn't just 'nothing' to him," Chris slurs angrily.

"He didn't know I was with you, cause I wasn't with you at the time ... In my head, you and me were on a break," I look at him with tears streaming down my face.

"A break? We were on a break? Funny because usually when people take a break, both parties know they are on a break!" Chris yells and I flinch.

"Chris please...! I am so, so sorry..." I sob as I look up at him. This is not how I wanted this night to go at all.

"Yea well it's a little fucking late for that," Chris says flatly as I see the hurt all over his face. He turns to leave but I reach out for him.

"No please! Chris don't go..." I sob as I catch his hand, but he pulls away from me and heads towards the front of the bus.

"Chris No!" I beg as I get up from the couch and run after him.

"Andrea don't... just don't," He says as he turns back to me for a moment. He then turns back and heads off the bus leaving me there with my world falling apart.

•••

The whole ride back to the hotel was extremely awkward and heartbreaking. Chris and the guys stayed up at the front of the bus while I just stayed by myself in the back room. I had stopped crying a while ago and I was really good at making sure no one heard me. I have no idea if Kim, Matt or Ben even know what's going on but I hope they don't.

As I lay down on the couch I can hear everyone laughing and what sounded like they were drinking still. I didn't feel like drinking at all which is weird for me, but I'm actually just to upset to drink. I hate this so much. I hate that I hurt him. I hate that we're fighting. I wish I could just go back in time and tell him then everything that I was going through and everything I was feeling.

When we arrive at the hotel, Kim Matt and Ben all head off the bus first and I hear a knock on the divider door.  
"Yea?" I say groggily.  
"You coming?" Chris says flatly through the divider.  
"Yea," I say my voice still raspy from crying. I get up from the couch and open the divider to see him standing there, his blue eyes looking at me, slightly drunkenly but solemn at the same time. All I wanted was for him to hold me but I know he's still angry with me. He turns and makes his way to the front of the bus as I slowly follow him.

We get to the room and Matt Kim and Ben take the one side while Chris and I take the other side. I had definitely had enough of today. I decide to take off my clothes and crawl into the small bed while Chris tries to let on he's not watching me.   
"I'm uh... I'm gonna go into their room and have a few more drinks... hang out for a little bit more," Chris says as he sits down on the edge of the bed and starts to untie his Doc Marten's.

He doesn't want to come to bed with me? I don't think he's ever not come to bed with me before. A lump forms in my throat as I watch him untie his boot.

"Ok..." I say quietly, though I'm screaming inside 'don't go, stay and talk with me so we can figure this out'

He sets his boots by the bedside table and gets up to change into a pair of black 90 logo track pants and a white fitted tank top. I watch him as he undresses, his perfect curls falling down around his shoulders, the way his arms flex as he pulls his shirt down over his smooth chest. Fuck I want him so bad and I want him to tell me everything is ok. I don't want to fight anymore.

He flips his beautiful curls out of his face as he ties the drawstring to his pants.  
"Chris..." I say quietly, pulling the covers up to my bare chest as I look up at him.  
"Yea...?" He says not looking at me as he takes his necklaces off and sets them on the table beside the bed.   
"I love you," I say feeling the tears well up and a lump forming in my throat.

Please say it back... just please say it back.

"Me too," He says still not looking at me. My heart sinks to the pit of my stomach and I swear I felt like I was going to throw up. He leans over me for a moment and places a quick kiss on my forehead. I wanted to reach up and pull him back down to me but instead I just lay there and watch him walk out of the room.


	67. See how This Love Stays Divine

Landgraaf, Netherlands June 9 1992

A few hours later I wake up to hear Chris and the guys laughing with the occasional guitar riff being strummed in the next room. I look over at the clock on the beside table to see it was 2:00am. I can't believe he still hasn't come to bed yet. I wasn't sure if I should get up and join them or what to do. I don't want to be like a mother and call him to come to bed because that's not who I am, but I want him here with me, even if he is mad at me. Ugh, I'm so conflicted, and I have to pee. Why does the bathroom have to be in the other room? I decide to turn the light on, squinting my eyes from the burning light and get up from the bed, grab a pair of my black yoga pants with a black plain black tank top, throw my hair up and knock on the dividing door to the next room.

"It's ok Andi... come in," Kim calls cheerfully but drunk from the other side. I walk in and see the guys all glance in my direction.  
"Sorry.. I didn't mean to interrupt, I just had to uh... use the washroom," I say a little timidly.  
"That's ok... what are we going to say? No, you have to pee in your room...?" Kim chuckles and they all laugh quietly together.

"Very funny," I smirk. Chris lands his eyes on me, randomly plucking the strings of his acoustic guitar, as I walk through their circle and head to the bathroom. After a few minutes I come out of the bathroom and Chris's eyes glance back to me again. This time his expression is relaxed and he's seemingly not as angered as before.

"Andi... have a drink? I have beer... want a beer?" Kim slurs.  
"No, I'm ok... I'm just going to go back to bed," I say and Kim gives me a puppy face.  
"Not even just one drink?" Kim says. I glace over at Chris and he just gives me a shrug.  
"No... I'm good... but have a drink for me though," I say and Kim just smiles at me.  
"Alright... don't mind if I do," Kim says and cracks open the next one that was sitting beside his chair. I smile at him and shake my head while Matt and Ben chuckle and I head back to the room. 

I softly close the door behind me and as I make my way back to the bed to take off my shirt and pants, I hear the door open. I turn back and see Chris coming into the room.  
"Hi, baby," He says softly which made my heart skip a beat. He closes the door, his blue eyes land on me as he flips his curls out of his face.  
"Hey," I say softly.  
"We didn't wake you up did we?" Chris asks as he moves over to me.  
"No, no I just... had to pee," I lie. I wasn't going to tell him that they did wake me. It's not a big deal anyways.

He glances over my body for a moment and then back to my eyes. He then reaches out to me, cups my face in his palm and brushes my cheek with his thumb. I close my eyes, my heart beginning to race from his touch. This is what I longed for all night long.

"I'm so sorry Chris..." I say quietly reaching up to place my hand over his, but keeping my eyes closed.  
"I know baby," He says quietly as he looks at me. I suddenly feel the tears bubbling to the surface again, my brow furrows and a can feel that lump in my throat returning.

"I was so stupid...and confused... I never meant to hurt you - "

"Shhhhh... it's ok," He hushes me. I open my eyes with tears still gently falling down and he brushes away a tear with his thumb. He draws me into him, resting my face against his warm chest as he wraps his arms around me in a warm hug.

"You weren't stupid... don't ever say that... I just wish you would've told me..." Chris says as he holds me to him.

"I wish I did to... but I didn't know how... I didn't want... you... to hate me," I cry softly.  
"Baby, I would never hate you.... I'd be a little upset but I wouldn't hate you.... but I know you would never do anything ... I was just mad because you never told me...and it brought back all shit I went through with Susan... " Chris says as he still holds me.  
"I just want to go back in time and fix it..." I cry as he reaches up and brushes away my tears.

"I know..."

"I want to go back and fix everything... make it so that I never lied to you and make it that I could've just told you what I was going through from the beginning... make it so my mom never got sick... make it so... I could save her, " I start to sob uncontrollably as Chris holds me in his arms. It had been so long since I let out a cry over my mom. I miss her every fucking day and just as soon as I think I'm ok, I am pulled back to the day I watched her die. As I sob, just letting it all go, I can hear Chris's heart begin to beat a little faster.

After a few moments of sobbing, I am able to pull myself away from him for a moment and wipe my tears as he presses his lips to my forehead.

"I'm sorry... I wasn't planning on crying like that," I say groggily as he pulls me back to him and wraps his arms around me and I place my hands on his chest, feeling him flex a little through his white tank.  
"It's ok baby," He says with his lips still pressed against my forehead.

"I also need to tell you that... Since the tour started... Axl has been like... really flirting with me..." I say after a few moments of silence between us. I hear him sigh though he keeps his lips pressed to my forehead.

"I know..." Chris says against my forehead.

"I just want you to know that, I never reciprocated anything.... I didn't even really think anything of it at first but now it's making me feel weird... like he's doing it when you're not looking or something... but... wait... you know?" I explain trying to stop myself from crying, and then realize what he just said.

"Yea... I know... but I already had a little chat with him about it... so..." Chris says almost annoyed at the fact that Axl made me uncomfortable.

"I'm sorry..." I say quietly.

"It's ok baby..." Chris replies soothingly 

"I don't deserve you at all..." I say quietly.

"Shhhh...yes you do," He hushes me again as I close my eyes. His lips move from my forehead, to my temple then to my earlobe, softly kissing, sending shivers all over my body. his lips softly trail down to my neck, his beard tickling me in the most perfect way, feeling the slight stubble on his cheek. He breaks his lips away from me and cups my face in his palms, then slowly leans back down into me and presses his lips to mine.

The feeling of his kiss sends shock waves of shivers all over my entire body. As he swipes his tongue across my bottom lip, I can't help but suck his beautiful, full bottom lip. Our lips melt together as one, feeling the passion between us. He then breaks away, pulling his white shirt up over his head, his curls falling down around his shoulders. I lift my shirt up over my head as he watches my every move, his eyes wondering over my curves, as I slowly step out of my pants and make my way to the tiny bed. He steps out of his pants and climbs into the tiny bed first. Once he is settled, he opens his arms and gestures for me to climb in beside him.

"C'mere," He says so cutely as he lifts the blanket and I climb in beside him laying my head down on his chest, hearing his heart beating.   
"I love you. Forever and ever," I say as I snuggle into him.  
"To the stars baby," He says quietly, holding my head to his chest and closes his eyes.I then fall into a completely contented sleep for the first time in a long time, wrapped up in his arms.


	68. Moonchild

Seattle, Washington July 20 1992

"...Shower in the dark day  
Clean sparks diving down  
....Cool in the waterway  
Where the baptized drown  
Naked in the cold sun  
...Breathing life like fire...."

"Does that even...? Wait... Ok... Breathing life like fire....Thought I was the only one...." Chris says as he sits on his stool in the studio downstairs. With his black notebook of all his doodles, poems, photos, ideas and lyrics, he scribbles on the white paper, strumming a few doomy sounding chords on his new jet black '89 Gretch as he switches between tones with his pedal board that sat in front of him on the floor.

"But that was just a lie...  
...I heard it in the wind  
And I saw it in the sky...  
...And I thought it was the end  
...And I thought it was the fourth of July..."

...

I was standing at the counter in our kitchen making coffee and could hear Chris downstairs in the studio singing over a distorted doomy guitar riff. I smile to myself as I hear him stop and then start again while I pour the coffee into a mug for him and one for me.

It was a month later and we were finally back home for a short, but much needed break from touring. I was so happy to be back home in our house, I never realized how much I missed it until I spent 3 months in Europe with 4 guys in such close quarters. I'm not complaining but it's just good to be home. I'm also really glad that we were able to work through the shit that came out with me and Eddie. I still feel so guilty but Chris has told me that he's ok with everything. He understands why I acted the way I did and he completely forgave me which is more than I could ever ask for. I honestly didn't expect him to at all. I still miss Eddie's friendship so much and I hope we can be close like we once were.

One good thing about that Europe trip is that Axl had basically became non existent in terms of being around anyone during the last couple of months. I'm not sure what was going on but there were times where Soundgarden had to continue their set for longer than expected because Axl hadn't shown up or refused to come out of the dressing room in some cases. It just sucked because you could see Slash and Duff becoming more frustrated as the days went on with Axl's episodes when all they wanted to do was get out there and play. I'm just glad that Axl's constant flirting had ended with me since Chris told me he talked to him about it and he started seeing Stephanie Seymour again.

Chris desperately wanted to take a break from Europe since all the drama with Axl started to create weird tension between everyone, so I made a call to Susan, and she set it up for Soundgarden to do a few Lollapalooza shows here in the U.S and Canada and a couple of opening spots on Skid Rows tour with Pantera to finish out the summer.

But with all that aside, today is Chris's birthday and I have something planned for him so I'm trying to keep my mouth shut about it cause I can't freaking wait to surprise him.

I make my way through the kitchen and the living room, carrying the two cups of coffee and make my way downstairs into the studio. I reach the bottom of the stairs and see Chris playing around with the haunting doomy sounding riff while switching tones with his pedal board. 

I think all the Type O Negative I listen to has rubbed off on him.

Sitting on his stool, still shirtless wearing his black 90 logo track pants, his black and white converse high tops, his hair resting just at his shoulders - He wanted a trim last night and asked me to do it ...

"Baby... I only want a little bit... just a trim..." Chris says, sitting in one of our kitchen table chairs, shirtless in just his boxers.  
"Ok, ok... I know... just... here can you... maybe... just sit straight," I say and he adjusts himself in the chair. I stand behind him with a pair of scissors trying to figure out how much to take off. His hair was starting to look a little wild and untamed and it apparently was driving him crazy. I thought it looked ok but I now can see how uneven it looks.  
"What's wrong?" He asks me.  
"Nothing I'm just trying to... see how much..." I trail off as I grab a section. It's one thing cutting my own hair but his, on the other hand, is so incredibly thick that you notice right away.

"Oh fuck," I say as I snip off a section.  
"What? What happened? What'd you do?" Chris starts to panic.  
"Nothing, just fuckin' with ya," I giggle and he reaches around behind and grabs my hand, takes the scissors from me and sets them on the table so he can grab me.  
"Nothing huh? Nothing? I don't think that's nothing," He says jokingly through clenched teeth tickling my sides.  
"Chris! Stop! Ok! I won't joke about that again!" I squeal and he laughs as he pulls me into his lap, kissing the spot between my neck and my shoulder where he knows I'm extremely ticklish. I laugh to the point where I'm crying and can't catch my breath.

"OK! Ok! stop it Chris! I can't breathe!" I laugh as he laughs loudly with me. After a few moments of his torture, he lets me up off his lap.  
"Ok now.... just cut my hair please?" He pleads trying to stop laughing.  
"Yes Sir," I say sarcastically as he squints his eyes at me. I give him the biggest smile back and he slaps me on my butt playfully, making me let out a squeal as I laugh and I go back to trimming his hair....

While Chris continues to pluck at the strings I walk over to him and stand in front of him holding both cups of coffee.   
"Hi baby," He says when he looks up at me and flashes me a small smile.   
"Hey..." I smile at him as he takes one of the coffee cups from me.  
"Fuck, that's good," He says, taking a sip, then setting the cup down on his desk. He looks back up at me and I lean down and place a kiss on his lips.   
"Happy birthday," I whisper in his ear. I hear him exhale as I place a kiss on his earlobe.  
"Thank you," He says so cutely and I move away from him and sit across from him on the floor.

"I'll never understand why you would rather sit on the floor instead of a chair, especially when there's one right behind you," He chuckles at me.   
"You don't have to understand, I just like sitting on the floor ok?" I giggle and take a sip of my coffee. He shakes his head with a smirk and starts to pluck at the strings again.  
"So... what are you working on?" I ask.  
"I'm just playing around really... a few little songs here and there, possibly for the new record... I don't know..." He says looking at his fingers as he plucks the strings, his curls falling in his face so adorably.  
"Do you maybe... want to get ready and head to The Central? Grab some food?" I ask taking another sip of my coffee.  
"Yea... I guess so..." He says a little solemnly and stops playing, flipping his curls out of his face.

"What's wrong?" I ask looking up at him.  
"Nothing.... nothing... just... nothing," He says and sets his guitar down on it's stand and looks back at me and I could tell he was looking a little sad. No one had called or said anything to him about his birthday but little does he know...  
"Well... go get ready and I'll take you out for some lunch..." I say as I set my coffee cup on the desk and move over to him, kneeling between his legs and running my hands up his thighs.  
"What, like a date?" He raises his eyebrow at me.  
"Sure," I grin at him. He gives me a grin and leans into me, placing a kiss on my lips, cupping my face in his palms.  
"Do I really have to change?" Chris says when he parts his lips from mine and touches his forehead to mine, looking at me under his brow.  
"Yes,"   
"Urgh" He grunts and I giggle. I move away from him and he gets up off the stool and heads to the stairs as I watch his tall beautiful self march his way up the stairs, his curls swaying with his movements.

•••

While Chris was taking a shower, I decided to change into my new dark green camo print low cut spaghetti strap mini dress, that hugged my body in all the right places, threw my hair up in a messy up do, with some stray curls framing my face, spritzed some of perfume -his favorite sweet scent of mine -slapped on my silver studded wrist cuff and finished it up with my Doc Marten's of course. I then headed down stairs, to the kitchen to make a call to The Central to make sure everything was set up and ready to go. Just as I hang up the phone Chris appeared in the kitchen doorway, wearing his usual black baggy shorts, his Doc Marten's and his dark green button up shirt that was still unbuttoned, his necklaces resting against his bare chest.

"Who was that?" His voice booming as he rolls up his sleeves.  
"Fuck!" I exclaim startled, jumping as I turn around and face him. He looks up at me and chuckles as I put my hand over my chest leaning on the counter.  
"How the fuck do you do that? I swear you sneak up on me on purpose sometimes," I laugh trying to calm my nerves. I hope he didn't hear the phone call that I just had.  
"I don't... but it's hilarious when I do," Chris laughs. He walks over to me, his eyes wondering over my body, admiring my every curve.

"Are you sure you wouldn't rather have our date... upstairs?" He says so slyly, leaning down and placing his lips on my shoulder, moving one of the straps, pulling it down slightly as his lips trail to my neck. He smells so good, like a mixture of fresh and clean with just a hint of masculine. I definitely prefer his fresh scent over his usual sweet cologne.  
"Uh... huh... no, we should go," I say trying to pull myself out from under his spell.  
"But you smell so good... like, I could just... have you for lunch instead," He says so smoothly in my ear. Oh dear god, why does he know all the right things to say to me?

"No, come on Chris... let's uh... lets go... it'll be fun," I say gently pushing him away, my hands touching his bare chest as he flexes a little, obviously trying so hard not to let him tempt me.   
"Ok well... you can't blame me for trying," He says and places a quick kiss on my lips.  
"No I guess not," I smirk when he breaks away from me. We then head towards the front door and head out to The Central.

•••

We arrive in front of The Central and hop out of the cab. Chris didn't know why I wanted to take a cab so badly but I had to keep telling him that just in case he wanted to indulge in a little drinking, since it was his birthday, I didn't want him to drive and risk getting pulled over. He just gave me a weird look but then understood. God this is so hard trying to keep a surprise from him.

I smooth out my dress as Chris closes the cab door for me and then takes my hand lacing his fingers through mine and leads me inside.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!" Eddie, Stone, Jeff, Kim, Matt and Ben all cheer together.   
"What the fuck!?" Chris smiles and flinches a little, shocked as he puts his hand to his chest.

"1... 2... 3....

Happy Birthday to you...  
Happy Birthday to you...  
Happy Birthday dear Christopher..... - you motherfucker!  
Happy Birthday to you!!!!"

Jeff starts the round of everyone singing and cheering as I smile up at Chris, his face turning a shade of red that is rarely seen as he is not usually one to blush. Everyone starts to walk up to him, greeting him, hugging and shaking hands which gives me an escape to run over and grab the cake that was sitting on the table that was in one of the table booths. I quickly light the candles, all 28 of them... even I'm surprised I was so quick at it.

"Chris... you gotta blow out your candles," Jeff says as he walks over to where I was just finishing lighting the last one.  
"A cake...? Seriously...?" Chris laughs as he walks over to the table and stands beside me, everyone crowding around. He looks down at the cake with the candles lighting up his face, then looks at me.

"Well they aren't going to blow themselves out," I smirk. He shakes his head at me, smiling and blushing still, and then blows out as many of the candles as he could in one go, but eventually they all go out and everyone laughs and cheers.  
"Did you plan this whole thing?" Chris says as he looks at me, placing his arm around my waist and pulling me closer while everyone grabs a seat in the two table booths.

"Maybe..."  
"Fuck... you're good... I had no idea..." He says smiling at me.   
"Meh... I try," I smile back as I look up into his blue eyes and he touches his forehead to mine. He holds me to him for a few moments as everyone around us laughs and carries on with each other.  
"I love you, so, so much," he says quietly, his eyes closed, his forehead still touching mine.  
"Forever and ever," I say quietly to him and press my lips to his.

"Ok you two... enough sappiness.... let's fucking drink!"Jeff exclaims from the table. I break my lips away from Chris and roll my eyes at Jeff's comment.

"Hey, you invited him" Chris smirks at me.

"I know... what was I thinking?" I giggle.


	69. Stargazer

Seattle Washington The Central, July 20 1992

"Another shot Chris?" Jeff asks from across the table.  
"Sure, why not?" Chris smiles. It was a couple of hours into the afternoon and everyone was having a good time. Chris and I sat in the booth with his arm around me, at the very back of The Central, close to the stage. Jeff ordered a 40oz bottle of Bushmills and slides a shot of whiskey in front of Chris and he downs it immediately, only flinching just a little. I look up at him and giggle at little as I peck at the basket of lattice fries that sat in front of us.

"What you think you can do better?" Chris jokes looking at me.  
"I know I can," I smirk at him.  
"Oh really? Is that a challenge?" He smirks back at me. Um, does he know who he's with?  
"Jeff, can I have a shot please," I say turning to Jeff as I finish the fry I had and wipe my hands off on the napkin in front me.   
"Oooooh Andi's gettin' serious now..." Kim pipes in, taking a drag of his cigarette.  
"Very funny... just give me the shot will ya?" I say looking up at Jeff.   
"Alright," Jeff says and pours me a shot first, slides it over, then pours Chris another one and slides it in front of him.  
"On 3?" I ask holding the shot glass and looking at Chris.

"No, you go first," Chris raises his eyebrow at me, his eyes flicking over my body then back up to my eyes. I raise my eyebrow at him, then close my eyes and quickly exhale, raise the glass to my lips and I down it slowly, setting the empty shot glass back down in front of me and then looking back at Chris as if I just took a sip of water. Chris flicks his eyes over my body one more time, then downs the shot but still manages to flinch and sets the empty shot glass in front of him.

"Oooooh man, she showed you," Jeff laughs and Chris just gives him a look and shakes his head.

"You know, as an Irish girl myself, I am very offended that you can't handle our water," I joke, placing my hand on my chest for dramatic effect. Chris just continues to smirk at me and shakes his head. He's so adorable when I prove him wrong.  
"Jeff? Shot," Chris says looking at me but sliding the shot glass back over to Jeff. He pours him another and slide the glass back over. I take another fry from the basket and take a bite as I turn back to look at him. Chris keeps his eyes on me and drinks the shot of whiskey, this time much slower and then sets the glass down in front of him. I keep my eyes on him as I watch him, waiting for his reaction but he doesn't flinch this time.

"Ooooh hooo... he figured out how to drink it," I laugh while everyone else makes jokes and laughs.   
"You're asking for it, you know," Chris says still flicking his eyes over my body.  
"What am I asking for?" I giggle. He leans in so smoothly, placing a kiss on my earlobe.  
"This," He says in my ear and proceeds to attack my sides with tickling.   
"Chris!" I yelp laughing as he continues to attack me. He laughs with me as some of the guys look in our direction and laugh.

"Chris! ok stop!" I squeal but he continues his tickle torture. Chris laughs but then eventually stops torturing me as I gently push him away.

"I love the sound of that laugh," Chris says leaning back into me and placing a kiss on my temple.   
"Ugh... you drive me crazy," I giggle and tap him on his chest.  
"Good," He chuckles. At that moment, I didn't care where we were and who saw me, I pulled Chris to me and pressed my lips to his. He was startled at first but then he began to respond to me as I started to suck his bottom lip, reaching up and touching his perfectly trimmed beard and playing with it as I move my lips with his. Chris apparently didn't seem to care who saw us either as he deepened the kiss, flicking his tongue against my top lip. After a few moments, I needed to catch my breath and I pulled away as he touched his forehead to mine, and just as our kiss ended, there was a flash from somewhere.

"What the fuck...?" Chris asks confused and Eddie slides over the polaroid from across the table.  
"Don't get mad... I'm just trying out my camera..." Eddie laughs and starts taking more photos of everyone else.

I look at the polaroid as it quickly develops and see that he snapped the picture at the perfect moment of our kiss. Our lips slighly parted, my fingers playing with his beard and his ring on my finger. I almost didn't even recognize myself.

"Chris... look," I say as I tap him on his chest to get his attention. Chris takes another shot that Jeff poured and looks at the photo with me. He then looks at me and places his lips on my temple.   
"You look beautiful baby..." He whispers in my ear.

•••

A few hours and a few more drinks later, it was time to head back home. We say our goodbye's to everyone and make a plan to meet up either tomorrow or the next day to hang out since Pearl Jam was also playing Lollapalooza in Vancouver and Bremerton.

"So baby... want another drink?" Chris says as soon as we walk in the door to our house.

"Uh... are you sure?" I ask as he makes his way to the kitchen. To be honest, I've never actually seen Chris extremely drunk before. Slurring yes, but not ever wobbly when he's walking. Right now he seems to be teetering on the edge of wobbly.

"Yea... why? You don't want one?" He calls to me as he opens the fridge door.

"No, I'm good for now," I say when I reach the kitchen doorway. He pulls out a beer,cracks it open and takes a sip.

"Chris... um... why don't we... maybe..." I trail off as I walk over to him.

"What?" He asks setting the beer down on the counter.

"Well I just realized I haven't given you your present yet," I say as I look up at him. He takes another sip of his beer and raises his eyebrow at me.

"Ok... well... what'd you get me?" He says as he sets the beer back down on the counter.

"Well... why don't you go get comfortable... upstairs... and I'll bring it to you," I say moving closer to him, flashing my big brown doe eyes, then lifting myself up and pressing my lips to his. He moans a little as I suck his bottom lip and then I pull away from him leaving him hanging there. He opens his eyes to look at me, takes one last sip of his beer, then with a sly grin on his face turns and quickly heads out of the kitchen and upstairs.

As he disappears upstairs, I walk out of the kitchen and into the living room where I had a bag hidden behind the couch. I take the bag and sneak off to the bathroom that was off the living room and closed the door. I pull out his present from the bag and change as quickly as I could. I was a little nervous as I had never worn any sort of lingerie for anyone before and I wasn't sure how he would react to me.

The skirt part was red and black plaid, and was extremely short. The top par was a black sheer crop 3 quarter length sleeve that was extremely low cut, like a bikini top that tied in the front, with the trim of the sleeves red plaid like the skirt. It also came with a garter belt that attached to the sheer black thong.

I finished putting on the school girl uniform and I also had a pair of glasses that I put on to match. I fixed my hair a little and walked quietly to the bedroom door and stand next to the doorway out of sight.

"Chris...?" I clear my throat.

"Yes?" He says.

"Which part of your present do you want first?" I ask.

"Surprise me," He says. I take in a deep breath and steady myself and then I emerge from behind the door frame and stand in the doorway to his bedroom, my hand leaning on the door frame and I play with the tie of my sheer crop shirt. Chris, already undressed in bed with the covers only up to his hips looks at me wide-eyed.

"Oh my god..." He says quietly.

"I uh... I didn't finish that assignment you gave me..." I say innocently as I take off my glasses.

"Uh huh..." Chris says mesmerized and sits up a little.

"And I was late again... and I know how much that disappoints you," I say innocently as I walk towards him.

"Uh huh..." Chris gulps as he raises his eyebrow at me and bites his bottom lip.

"Is there something I can do to make it up to you?" I ask as I give him that doe eyed look that drives him crazy. I shift my weight to my one foot and play with the tie of my shirt. He sits up more and moves towards me to sit at the edge of the bed.

"Well... to start... could you turn around? I want to see the whole thing..." He says as he clears his throat. I give him a sly smile, slowly turning around and then back to face him.

"Damn..." He whispers as I look at him , his eyes caressing my every curve as he plays with his beard.

"You uh... you can make it up to me by untying this first," He says and reaches for the tie to play with the fabric. I raise my eyebrow at him and then slowly pull at the fabric to untie my shirt, freeing my breasts before him.

"And then... maybe just losing the skirt all together," He says as he bites his bottom lip and slips his fingers into the rim of my skirt, pulling me closer to the edge of the bed making me squeal a little. I slowly push my little skirt down over my hips and let it fall to the floor revealing my sheer black thong with the garter belt attached to my stockings.

"What else can I do to make it up to you?" I ask him innocently again as I slowly take my shirt off my shoulders and let it fall to the floor.

"Well... I think I need those lips on mine," He says still flicking his eyes over my body, I gracefully move up on to the bed and kneel in front of him. I lean down to him and press my lips to his as I lace my fingers through his hair. He moves his hands from my hips to my lower back and holds me to him. 

"Is there anywhere else I can place my lips?" I ask when I break my lips away from his. He looks up at me with a furrowed brow.

"Uh... huh..." He breathes.

"Is here ok?" I say and place a kiss on his earlobe.

"Sure,"

"Or what about here?" I say as I move down and place my lips on his nipple.

"Uh..." He breathes. I move back up and press my lips to his again as I gently push him to lay back down. I break away from his lips and trail my fingers down his chest, down his stomach and to his very erect shaft. He continues to look at me leaning back on his elbows while I softly trail my fingertips over him.

"Is it ok if I place my lips here?" I say as I softly kiss the tip of him. It almost looked painful, it was so hard. 

"Yes, it is definitely... ok... uh... fuck," He breathes as I wrap my hand around his member and slowly start to move my hand up and down. He moans, collapsing down on the bed, breathing intensely raising his arms and placing his hands on his forehead as I continue to slowly but firmly pump him while gently placing soft kisses down the length of him. I lick the tip as I continue to move my hand up and down, causing him to move his hips in rhythm with my movements. Taking him full on into my mouth, I slowly but firmly begin to suck moving my head, using my tongue to circle around the tip.

"Fuck... that... uh... don't fucking stop," He whimpers as I look up at him to see his reaction to me. I could feel myself growing wet as I continue to suck and lick him, moving my mouth back up to the tip and flicking his sensitive spot with my tongue.

"Fuck baby... I'm fucking close," Chris warns but I move my lips off of him and change rhythm. He moans as I slowly move my hand up and down, taking a break to catch my breath.

"No baby, not yet," I instruct. I wanted to tease him to the point where he couldn't take it anymore, just how he does it to me.

"Oh my god... what the fuck...? You are torturing me," Chris half giggles as he pants in between my movements. He looks at me as I move back down and softly tease him with soft kisses on his tip. He starts to rub himself against my lips begging for entrance once again. I accept, placing my mouth on him fully once again, sucking and flicking my tongue against all of his sensitive spots. I moan around him as he starts to thrust deeper into my mouth relishing in the vibrations of my voice.

" Your lips feel so fucking good..." He whimpers all the while I continue to work him. I start to feel the ache inside me and so with my free hand I reach down, slip my fingers inside my panties and begin to stroke myself all the while I continue to suck the tip of him.

"Baby... I'm gonna cum... oh. Fuck. " He whimpers and then cries as he releases himself all the while I suck the salty substance from him. As I moan around him, he cries even louder as I make sure I swallow every last bit of him. After a few moments I move away from him while I continue to stroke myself, he lifts himself up on his elbows to look at me, his eyes watching me as I enjoy myself.

"No baby.... let me," He says low and husky, trying to catch his breath as he sits up, moves my hand away from myself and slips his fingers inside my panties and picks up where I left off.

"Shit baby... you're so wet," Chris breathes as I bite my bottom lip, his other hand on my hip, moving to my lower back and holding me closer to him. His lips crash to my throat as I start to whimper against his touch, my hips responding to his fingers softly flicking and playing with my clit, making a rush of heat travel from deep inside me.

"Oh fuck... I'm not going... to last long..." I pant in between each word that flows from my lips.

"Just breathe baby... let it go..." He coaxes in my ear. I wrap my arms around his neck, and hold on, pressing my chest to his when suddenly the rush of contractions take over from deep inside my abdomen. I cry as release myself all over his hand, shivering and shaking as he holds me in his arms. His lips move from my ear, to my jawline, softly nipping and biting and I immediately press my lips to his, softly sucking his bottom lip. Our lips move together as one, his fingers moving from my clit, to my hips and up my back, holding me to him while we passionately devour each other.

"Oh... my god... you are so amazing... I love you so fucking much... I swear that was the sexiest thing you have ever done," Chris smiles when his lips part from mine, touching his forehead to mine.

"Really...? So you liked your present?" I ask.

"Baby are you kidding...? You need to do that again... damn... I'm getting hard again just thinking about it," He says so seductively which makes me blush. We stay that way for a few more moments, holding each other, listening to each other's breathing.

"So... what's the second part of my present?" Chris looks at me sheepishly under his brow.

"You're just going to get right to it eh?" I giggle and he gives me a sly smile. I gracefully move away from him for a moment, though he keeps his hand on my hip, and reach over to my side of the bed, open up the nightstand and pull out a little black velvet pouch and move back to face him, his hand never leaving my hip the whole time.

"This probably isn't much... but I saw this and... well..." I say as I look down at the pouch and he takes it from me. He opens up the pouch and pulls out 2 black leather braided woven strap bracelets with a silver half heart shaped pendant attached.

"Babe...?" He says and furrows his brow.

"See... I made the bracelet part myself and then the pendent has our initials engraved with our wedding date... there's one for you and one for me" I explain as I show him the underside of the pendant. He looks at the pendant and he smiles so shyly.

"I didn't know if I should wait 'til our anniversary but... I guess I just couldn't wait," I say shyly.

"A.C loves C.C ... August 5th 1991," He says quietly as he looks at the bracelet.

"Then the other one says 'C.C loves A.C ... August 5th 1991' " I say as I show him the matching bracelet to his as he looks at the pendants that rested in his palm.

"Here... let me..." I say as I take the one bracelet and he holds out his left wrist. He watches me as I tie it as best I can to make sure it doesn't come back off. He then takes the other one and ties it up on my left wrist, also making sure it doesn't come off. He then looks back at me, his blue eyes wide, his brow slightly furrowed still and draws me further into his lap. His hands move from my hips to my lower back again as I wrap my arms around his neck, his lips crashing to mine.

"I'm so lucky to have you as my wife... There's nothing in this world I want more than having you right here in my arms..." He says touching his forehead to mine once more.

"Chris..." I say softly, feeling an overwhelming rush of pure love for him in this moment. I press my lips back to his, relishing in the softness of his lips, his tongue swiping across my bottom lip, the passion between us incapable of ever being broken.


	70. Where Would I Live If I Were A Man Of Golden Words

Seattle Washington, July 22 1992

"Damn it... I don't know what to wear... well who am I kidding I never know what to wear..." I say to myself as I rummage through my dresser drawers.  
"What'd you say babe?" Chris says as he walks out of the bathroom, a towel around his hips as he dries his hair with another one.  
"Nothing... I'm just... indecisive..." I say still trying to decide on my outfit. After a few moments, I finally decide on my Dead Kennedy's band shirt, since I hadn't worn that in a while and my ripped up black leggings. I pick out my usual black lacy bra and lay them out on the bed. Chris throws the towel he was using to dry his hair onto one of the chairs in the room, walks up behind me and I feel his lips touch my neck and slowly moving to my shoulder. I smile at his soft lips kissing me as his hair falls down around me, with his hands moving to my hips. I turn and face him and place my lips on his, softly sucking his bottom lip, pressing my bare chest to his feeling his warm slightly damp skin from the shower. He parts his lips and touches his forehead to mine as I breathe in his fresh clean scent that tickled my nostrils in the most perfect way.

"Ok... I need to get dressed..." I say as I try to pull away from him. He lets go of me as I pull my hair tie off my wrist, and raise my arms to throw my hair up in a messy bun.   
"Oh baby...don't do that," Chris says, his blue eyes glancing down at my bare chest.   
"Do what?" I ask as I tie my hair up and look at him. His eyes land back at mine for a moment before they wonder back down over my curves as he bites his bottom lip. I giggle knowing full well I'm teasing him but I can't help it. It's so much fun.

"What you're wearing now is perfect..." He raises his eyebrow at me.  
"I don't think the guys will appreciate me only wearing panties to the festival..." I say as I finish tying up my hair.  
"No, but I do... " Chris says so slyly with his eyes landing back on mine. I just shake my head at him and turn around to put on my bra but instead he grabs me by my hips and attacks my tickle spot with his lips where my neck meets my shoulder, his beard tickling and prickling causing me to laugh.

"Chris..!" I laugh and he stops which surprised me because he usually tortures me a bit more. He then walks over to his dresser to pull out his dark army green button up shirt, and a pair of black pants as I flick my bra at him, like you would do a towel snap but I missed him and he just laughs. Ugh...! That boy sometimes...

•••

Since Bremerton was only just under a 3 hour drive from Seattle, Chris, Kim, Matt and Ben all decided to just take the 2 vans instead of their usual tour bus. Chris was driving the one van while Matt was going to drive the other one with Kim and Ben and meet us at the fairgrounds.

"So... I don't know about you, but I need a coffee," Chris says as we pull out of the driveway of our house.  
"Yea... I could use one..." I say as I look down at my planner, going over the schedule for the day. I figure we could use some tunes for the drive so I turn on the radio. After a few moments of searching with nothing interesting on each station, I flip over to the cassette deck and Type O Negative starts blasting through the speakers. So that's where my tape went.

"Hey... I have been looking for this album for a month and I kept asking you where it was and you had it in here all along?" I say as I look at Chris and he just gives me a guilty look.  
"Uh... well... yea," He looks back at me innocently as I squint at him jokingly.   
" I was just about to buy another copy cause I thought I lost it, and here you stole it from me," I joke.   
"I didn't steal it... I just... borrowed it," Chris says as he looks at me.   
"When you borrow things from people, you are usually supposed to ask the person before you take it, otherwise it's stealing..." I giggle at him and he looks at me trying not to laugh.   
"Ok... well... can I borrow Type O's Slow Deep and Hard?" He smirks at me trying not to laugh.   
"Chris... it doesn't count now, you already took it," I say as I giggle at how he said the album title. 

"Well fine... we can just make our own Slow Deep and Hard," Chris smirks at me under his brow and I drop my jaw a little as I look at him.   
"Chris...?" I giggle as I feel my cheeks flush and he laughs.

"What...? I'm sorry I can't help it.... you're the one who got me going when you threw your hair up all topless and shit..."

"Well..." I trail off and smirk at the thought of teasing him before. I look back down at my planner and try not to laugh. I love teasing him like that.   
"See... I knew you did that on purpose just to get me going..." Chris chuckles as we head through downtown Seattle.   
"Yea... but you gotta stop stealing my shit..." I say quietly but keep my eyes on my planner and he looks over at me and laughs.

•••

After we grab some coffee, we make our way out to the highway and head towards Bremerton. About an hour into the drive, Chris decides to pull over as soon as we reach a little park that looked really familiar but I couldn't quite put my finger on why.

"Chris...?" I say, looking at him confused as he turns the ignition off.  
"Come on..." He says and hops out of the drivers side. I sit there for a moment as he walks around behind the van, I unbuckle my seatbelt and open the door as he comes around to my side and helps me out of the van. He takes my hand and closes the door and we walk up to the entry way to see the sign Miller-Woodlawn Memorial Park. I look up at him as we walk into the park, his beautiful curls swaying in the summer breeze as we walk, he squeezes my hand and brings it up to his lips and places a soft kiss on the back of my hand.

Andy....

We walk up through the main path with rows upon rows of markers and head stones. I always find it so strange how quiet a cemetery can be, even when it's just off a busy highway. It's almost like as soon as you pass through the gate, you enter a whole other world.

With Chris's fingers laced through mine, I follow him down one of the rows of markers, having no idea Chris even remembered where Andy's marker was. When we reach Andy's marker, some flowers that framed the outside, Chris let's go of my hand and sits down on the grass, his arms resting on his knees, in front of the marker. He looks up at me, squinting his eyes from the sun and reaches for my hand again.

"Sit with me?" He asks. I look down at him, giving him a half smile, I sit down in front, between his legs as he draws me into him, wrapping his arms around me and resting his chin on my shoulder.  
"You ok?" I ask quietly after a few moments.  
"Yea... I just had this feeling like... I wanted to see him... I don't know... it's hard to explain," Chris says quietly as he keeps his head rested on my shoulder. We sit, listening to the warm summer breeze, the birds chirping up above high in the trees, and it's so calming and serene.   
"You don't have to explain baby..." I say quietly and touch my temple to his and close my eyes.  
"I miss him..." Chris says after a few moments. I reach up, touch his cheek, and place a kiss on his temple, hearing him sigh against the feeling of my lips. I know this feeling all too well and Chris normally never shares this with me. He's so good at keeping it all inside, not letting anyone see the hurt and pain of missing someone.

"You know he's probably up there making fun of me... 'Chris, stop crying you fucker...you have a beautiful wife now... which I totally saw coming... though I still don't know what Andi sees in you... I feel bad for her...."

"Chris!" I laugh as he continues.

"You have an amazing album out... you fuckers are finally starting to get that recognition you deserve and you're crying over me... I know I'm cute and all but damn, Chris... " He says in his best impression of Andy he could make which made me laugh even harder.  
"And then he'd say... 'just write a song about it Chris... you're so good with words... more than you think you are... let it out that way instead' " I say trying my best impression of him but failing miserably. Chris laughs and holds me a little tighter.  
"And then I would say... I wrote a whole album for you man... but I still think you write better" Chris chuckles.  
"And he would say... 'Dude, I know... but fuck off with that ... your words are amazing... use them to write an album for everyone...' " I say still trying my best impression of Andy and Chris laughs even more, but suddenly just as he stops laughing he starts to cry. I turn and look at him as he rests his forehead on his palm, his elbow on his knee, his other arm still around me. I turn to face him and wrap my arms around him, feeling him collapse a little in my arms hearing him quietly crying. I don't even remember the last time he let everything out like this. Most of the time he stays quiet and he'll just drink, which sounds bad but I'm definitely not one to judge since I do the same thing.

"Fuck... this sucks," Chris sniffs as he pulls away from me and touches his forehead to mine.  
"I know baby... oh how do I ever know..." I say as he chuckles a little.  
"Here, I'm supposed to be the one consoling you and... well... here you are..." Chris moves his forehead from mine and wipes his eyes with the heel of his palm.  
"We console each other baby," I say, playing with the ring on his necklace that Andy gave him. He looks down at himself, the summer breeze making his beautiful dark locks flow as the sun brings out the golden highlights in his hair. He looks back up at me, those beautiful blue eyes a little red from crying but so full of love when he looks at me.

"I have no idea what I would do without you," He says and touches his forehead to mine again.  
"I don't know what you would do without me either, I mean... who would be the one to find your things when you loose them, " I joke.  
"I only loose stuff cause you pile your shit everywhere," He chuckles, moving his forehead from mine.  
"I do not pile 'my shit' everywhere," I laugh and playfully tap his chest.  
"Then how is it that when I can't find anything... I ask you and you always seem to know where it is? And 9 times outta 10 it's under your shit?," He says raising his eyebrow at me and I just look at him sheepishly cause he's right, but I'm not going to admit that to him. I look away from his eyes and glance down at his chest and try to think of something to come back with, but I can't.

"You know I'm right.... that's why you're quiet ," He gives me that sarcastic smirk and I just shake my head and giggle, amused by how he knows me so well. After a few moments, Chris draws me back into him, holding me as I rest my head against his collarbone and he places a kiss on the top of my head.  
"I can hear Andy making fun of us right now... 'Oh god you two... it's a good thing you're married otherwise... you might as well be, the way you two are...' or something like that," I say once again trying my impression of Andy and Chris laughs.

"He'd always tell me how he was so happy you found me..., how I brought you out of such a dark place... and like an idiot, I'd gush to him about you... like as if he wouldn't tell you how in love I was... but he always had a way of making me feel like I could tell him anything and he would never judge me and never tell anyone else if I didn't want him to... he'd always tell me that I'd marry you someday... even before I knew it myself..." I trail off after a bit of silence remembering the conversations I had with Andy when he lived with Chris. I would always somehow be the first one to show up when I was meeting Chris at his place sometimes if Chris was still at band rehearsals. So while I waited, Andy and I would hang out and talk, which is how Andy and I became close. 

"'He loved you 'cause he knew how much you meant to me... I remember the night I wrote that song for you...,"

"All Night Thing...?" I ask.  
"Yea... and he heard me playing around with it in my room, so he like, walked in and... you know we always had this like friendly competition with writing and stuff... like, you know me and how I'm always so over critical and he is always just able to let it flow without second guessing himself... but... he walked in and just said... 'just let it out man... whatever she makes you feel... write it, and sing it to her... don't think about it, just do it...' "Chris trails off quietly as I close my eyes and just listen to him tell me the story of that song. I always loved how he put that song on the Temple Of The Dog album, but now it makes even more sense why he did.

"I miss him..." I say with a tremble in my voice, holding back the urge to cry. Why does everyone have to go away? Chris holds me as I listen to the breeze through the trees, feeling the warm sun on my face and listening to the sound of his heart beating.  
"Ok... we should head back out on the road. We have that interview still don't we?" Chris says after a few moments, clearing his throat, and changing the subject.  
"Yea," I say as I move my head from him and wipe a stray tear that somehow escaped my eyes. He moves away from me and stands up, then holds out his hand for me to take, and helps me up from the grass. Chris smiles at me and leans in to place a quick kiss on my lips. He pulls away and looks down at Andy's marker for a few moments.

"Chris...?" I ask quietly but he says nothing. he lets go of my hand and reaches up, taking off the necklace that had the ring that Andy gave him. He crouches back down in front of the marker holding the necklace in his hand. Chris remains quiet for a few more moments, the breeze moving his golden curls around his shoulders. He then kisses the ring that was attached to the necklace and places the necklace carefully on Andy's marker, and gently touches the etching of Andy's name. Chris then stands up, lacing his fingers through mine and softly kisses the back of my hand.

"Let's go baby..." Chris gives me a half smile and I smile back as we walk back down the long row of headstones and markers to make our way back out to the van.


	71. Power To The Music

Bremerton Washington, Lollapalooza July 22 1992

"Ugh..." Chris moans as the camera guy wires him up with a microphone. Matt and Ben were already sitting in their chairs in one of the large trailers that were made into a make shift dressing room. There was a large buffet table that held lots of snacks, a mini bar fridge that obviously held all the drink the guys would need but for some reason, Kim was nowhere to be found.

"Is Kim ok...? I didn't see him when we pulled up," I ask Matt as I close up my planner and set it down on one of the tables.

"Yea he's fine... he's in the back of the van... he's a little hungover from last night and wanted to take a nap..." Matt chuckles as he shifts a bit in his chair.

"Oh... ok then," I say. I've never known Kim to do that, but alright. Chris then gives me a quick kiss on my lips once the camera guy mic'd him up and moves over to his chair in between Matt and Ben. The young girl who was interviewing them was going over some things with the other camera guy and after a few moments she introduces herself to me as Gia and turns to the guys to introduce herself to them as well. She seems really sweet but very young and maybe a little... how should I say it...? Ditzy...? Chris immediately picked up on it and flashed me a look, raising his eyebrow at me and I know he's going to mess with her. I give Chris a look to tell him to go easy on her and he just winks at me. Oh, Chris... don't be mean.

•••

"...and we were talking about something that maybe you guys don't wanna talk about..."  
"Well..." Chris moans.

"You don't wanna talk about anything except for maybe cats..."  
"Well maybe... uh you know what? We don't wanna talk about cats..." Chris chuckles.

"Well.... we gotta talk about Badmotorfinger a little bit... because thats the whole part of this promotional interview thing... to make people go out and buy the CD..."  
"Ok well if they promise to buy it then we'll talk about it..." Chris points at the camera.

"Trust me many of them have already...."  
"So this is pointless then..." Ben mumbles and I laugh.  
"Well if you already bought it then you already know what there is to talk about and so there really isn't much point to talk about it cause it's already been talked about..." Chris says sassily and she stays silent not knowing how to take his statement, Oh girl... what did you get yourself into?

"What questions can we answer for you...?" Chris says after a few seconds of awkward silence.

"Well God... there are a lot -"  
"Ok ask one," Chris cuts her off and laughs sarcastically.

"They're all obvious questions... obviously," She says trying to retort the sarcasm back.  
"Ok what are they?" Chris smirks.

"Why don't I ask some questions the viewers want to know..." She giggles.  
"Ok," Chris says flatly.

"Wendy in Laverne... wants to know... if you're really married and if you would say happy birthday to her,"   
"Are these multiple choice?" Matt says quietly.

"Yea,"  
"Um... Ok," Chris says scratching his head slightly confused.

"Ok but you have to say happy birthday to her..."  
"Ok," Chris says.

"But can I tell her that 'yes' you're really married?"  
"Huh...? Can you what?" Chris asks again still looking confused.

"Can you tell her that 'yes' you're really married?"  
"What does this tell you?" Matt says and lifts up Chris's hand as Chris looks at his wedding ring and all I could do was just stand there and try to not laugh.  
"I guess so yea..." Chris says still looking at his hand and then glances over at me with a smirk and shakes his head.

"But... Why?" He asks as he looks back at her.

"It's important for her to know..."  
"Why?" He says flatly.

"I don't know... she just asked the question and wanted to know..." She giggles.  
"Oh, wait... so who is it?" Chris laughs.

"Wendy in Laverne,"   
"Wendy in Laverne...oh... ok," Chris repeats.

"Happy Birthday, Wendy in Laverne... I'm married... sorry," Chris says to the camera cutely and I giggle covering my face in my palm. Oh god Chris... why do you make things awkward sometimes?

"See now you disappointed her... " She giggles  
"Sorry..." He says shyly and looks down crossing his arms and shifting himself in the chair a bit.

"Now also another viewer, Melissa, wants to know how you guys got involved in the Guns N Roses tour... which you are sort of in the midst right now but you're doing some Lollapalooza shows since... well of course we're here at Lollapalooza" She giggles.   
"Um yea... well Guns asked us to go out on tour with them basically... and that was it... and well yea now... we're doing this Lollapalooza show tonight and a few shows in Canada..." Chris explains.

"Has it been successful so far?"  
"The tour...? for us, yea," Chris says  
"We still have all our eyes and all our teeth," Been smirks.  
"Yea... kinda had some hand problems but...it's ok now," Chris says as he looks at his hand.

"Ok... and Kendra wants to know if you guys are influenced by any books or movies you read or watch..."  
"Well we're not going to say anything to that cause... we don't want to give that away..." Ben says smoothly and they all laugh.

"Ok... well... we're going to cut to a video and we'll be back... but right now here's Soundgarden with 'Jesus Christ Pose'" She says and they cut to the video...

"Alright... and were back with the guys from Soundgarden... Ben, Chris and Matt - Where's Kim?" She asks.  
"I have no idea..." Chris says

"Huh... ok well maybe he'll show up at some point..."  
"Well you've only got 3 chairs here..." Chris says.

"Well thats ok, we can give up a chair - what are you doing? You're picking on me..." She laughs as Ben shuffles in his chair.  
"He's not picking on you at all... you're so self conscious..." Chris says.

"Well he's being weird and killing insects... I don't know..." She whines and I just smirk as Chris flashes me a grin and raises his eyebrow at me. She is a sweet girl but man she's so young... this has to be her first interview.

"You originally were the drummer and the singer in the band so how did you end up just being the singer and do you miss drumming at all?" She asks Chris.  
"Well I still play drums now and then but I don't really miss it in terms of being a drummer as opposed to being something else... I sort of have my hands pretty full in what I do now so... but... just... it was too hard to do both at the same time..." Chris trails off.

"Ok we're gonna get back into some videos and we'll be back with Chris, Matt and Ben of Soundgarden..." she says and they cut to another video.

"I'm Gia and we're back with Soundgarden... now you guys were never starving artists - what now!? God?!" she exclaims as Chris hysterically laughs while Ben makes this weird face and contorts his body growling 'I'm starving'. I couldn't even hold my laugh in. Oh Ben...

"But you all had jobs... like day jobs..." She giggles.  
"Yep... still do," Ben says and Chris laughs again.

"No I mean like most bands at least, like... they just stick to their music as their job... oh my god I give up..." She laughs.  
"No don't give up," Chris smiles at her.  
"No I won't" She says.  
"Ok,"Chris smiles.

"Well you know what I mean though right...?" She asks. She's trying so hard to explain but it doesn't seem to be coming out the way she's intending it to.   
"Well yea... but most of those guys just end up doing heroin... or something.. which I don't really understand that but uh... if you can't afford to like have a guitar and you have to hock it to pay your friend money cause you're sleeping on his couch... then you're not gonna be much of a musician... I guess... especially when you have to play in lounges just to make money to pay rent... then music becomes your job... like a 9-5... like that's not really being a musician, or an artist...it's sort of the same as flipping burgers..." Chris shifts in his chair a little.  
"You wouldn't be inspired from any situation... you'd be like a Zombie or something, you'd most likely probably give up..."Ben adds, rocking back on his chair.

"Um... I know when you guys did Temple of the Dog... it was more or less a tribute to the loss of Andrew Wood..." She trails off and Chris looks down, shifting in his chair again.

"Is there any chance of doing another Temple Of the Dog record....? Or..." She adds.  
"Well first there's going to be the Temple of the Dog broadway show, and then there's going to be 'temple Hits Vegas' which is a special... and it's going to be on HBO - "

"Yea I heard about that" She says retorting the sarcasm back to Chris.

"Yea... we're pretty excited about that...it's gonna have Liza Minnelli, Whoopi Goldburg, and some clowns and jugglers -"  
"Gene Simmons..." Matt adds.  
"Well I don't know about that...he's still suing us but...Sigfried and Roy, are gonna be there too," Chris jokes.

"I know the guy who does Sigfried and Roy's hair, " She says and I couldn't tell if she was serious or not. She's actually really good at throwing the sarcasm right back at them. I'm impressed.

"Oh really?" Chris laughs.

"Yea I do..." She laughs and they all laugh. What the Fuck is Happening?

"And we'll talk about that while you guys check out some videos... here's Soundgarden and Outshined, coming live from Lollapalooza for MTV..." She giggles and they cut to some more videos...

"Alright we're back and just to wrap things up... this is the album, Badmotorfinger.... um so when are you guys coming back? I know you're playing here tonight... but... do you know... - ?"

"Uh I can't really say... cause I have no idea..." Chris smirks and they all laugh.

"Well, thank you guys for being here, and thank you for sitting with me, chatting and what not...' She says.  
"Ok," Chris says cutely. He never knows how to end things, damn he's so cute.

"And thank you for watching... we'll see you next time..." She says to the camera, and the camera guys yells cut. After a few moments thanks them again for doing the interview and you could tell Chris was actually trying to be really sweet with her. I think he probably felt bad at the beginning since his sarcasm can get a little overpowering if your not used to it.

Kim eventually emerged from his sleep, a little hung over still but he swore that he was good to play fine. Chris looked a little annoyed with him, which rarely happens but at least he was on time to start their set.

The moment Chris walked out on that stage, all sexy with his humble demeanor his arms raised and big smile on his face, the crowd screamed, welcoming them back after 4 months of touring Europe. And like every other show on this tour, they were absolutely flawless. Chris's voice was flawless, transcendent and Mind-blowing. His wail floored the packed, pulsing crowd. It pushed you flat on your back and floated up into the clear night sky. Kim looked amazing once he got into the groove, while Matt was a machine on the drums. Ben's pounding bass held down the rhythm, while he added in a few rockstar moves of his own (such as tossing his bass across the stage).

The crowd absolutely ate it up. Of course there were some shitheads in the mix (I'm pretty sure Ben ordered someone in the crowd to be killed), and security guards were straining against the barricade to hold the fans back, but overall there was this ridiculous happy atmosphere. Fans singing along to "Hands All Over", "Rusty Cage" "Outshined", and "Big Dumb Sex" would scream it out with Chris. Eddie popping up behind Matt during outshined to sing the lower harmony with him was just so freaking cool and people crowd surfing, letting the music take over in the most wonderful way.


	72. One And One And...?

Toronto Ontario Canada, July 26 1992

"Fuck, god damn it," I hear Chris groan as he reaches for the alarm clock on the side table beside the bed. He slams his hand down on the clock and the horrible beeping finally stops.

I turn over onto my side and see him laying on his stomach, his face smushed back down into the pillow, his hair strewn across like usual. I sleepily reach over and rub him between his shoulder blades as he lets out a pleasant moan. It was the morning after their performance at Lollapalooza in Barrie but the only hotel available was in Toronto, which was fine... Barrie isn't that far from Toronto.

"What time is it?" I yawn.  
"Too early," He says, his voice muffled with the pillow.

"I must've forgot to turn the alarm off last night," I say as I continue to stroke his back.  
"Well... now, you're gonna have to pay," He says into the pillow.  
"What?" I giggle sleepily.  
"You heard me," He says and I look at him raising my eyebrow though he doesn't see me.  
He lifts his head, turning to look at me with his beautiful blue eyes that I love seeing each morning, flipping his hair out of his face then turning himself to pull me into him and he starts to tickle me everywhere.

"Chris! No! Stop!" I squeal.  
"You woke me up, now I'm waking you up," He laughs as he continues his tickle torture.  
"No! Please!" I laugh but he continues. His torture is too much to bare as I try to move away from him but it's no use. He caught me completely off guard and I have no way to defend myself.

"Ok, ok I'm awake now please stop!" I squeal as he laughs and eventually he stops but still holds me to him, his arm around my waist with my butt somehow now strategically placed against him. He buries his face into the back of my neck and holds me tighter. I try to move a little but he just tightens his grip on me.

"Um... are you gonna let me move?" I ask turning my head towards the ceiling, trying to look at him behind me.  
"I wasn't planning on it," I can feel him smirk against my neck. I sigh and attempt to move out of his grasp but he ends up pulling me back again, this time I'm now on my back with him on top of me, his head resting on my breast as he cups it using it as a pillow and sighs.   
"Chris...?" I giggle.  
"Mmmm...?" He mumbles.  
"You're not gonna let me move are you?" I say as I look down at the top of his head, feeling him grip on to me a little tighter as he snuggles more into my chest.  
"No," He mumbles sleepily and I giggle at his cuteness. He lays there on top of me and I can feel his fingers gently playing with my nipple. Mornings like these are what I live for. Just being in his arms and waking up to him, I swear, theres no other feeling like it. Even if he is driving me crazy.

"Ok, can I get up now?" I ask with him still playing with my nipple.  
"No," He says and I can feel him smirking.  
"Chris..."  
"Yes, my love?" He teases.  
"I need to pee and you laying on me is not helping," I say and I hear him chuckle.  
But you're so comfortable..." He whines cutley.  
"Chris,"  
"Ok," He gives in and moves off of me. I giggle and climb out of bed. I feel him watch me as I head to the bathroom, his eyes flicking over my curves as I disappear into the bathroom. After a few minutes I come out of the bathroom and grab my hair tie from the hotel dresser, throw my hair up as Chris's eyes wonder over my body as I am still only in my black lacy panties.

"What?" I ask.  
"You're just so fucking beautiful... come here..." He smiles slyly at me as he moves to the edge of the bed and reaches for my hand. I laugh as he pulls me to the bed, toppling down on him, his lips placing soft kisses on my throat. I try to lift myself up a little, placing my hands on his smooth toned bare chest, but he just ends up pulling me back to him, his lips softly kissing my collarbone, his beard tickling me in the most perfect way.

"Chris..."  
"Yes baby...?" He asks as shift myself to straddle him, as he lays back on the bed.  
"Why don't we... maybe... head out for some breakfast...? Maybe take a walk downtown or something?" I ask as I trail my fingers over his chest, tracing down along the space between his pecs. He raises his arms up and folds them under his head, his blue eyes wonder over my body, biting his bottom lip as he does so.

"Chris...?" I ask trying to get his attention, though I'm pretty sure I've had his attention all along, just not in the way I am intending to.  
"Sorry what...?" He says smiling at me, his eyes flicking up to mine for a moment but then back down over my body. I sigh and squint my eyes at him as I cross my arms over my chest to cover myself.

"Baby, I'm kidding I heard what you said," Chris laughs.  
"Really...? What'd I say?" I continue to squint my eyes at him.  
"You said... something about... food right?" He chuckles.

"Chris... I'm serious,"

"I'm sorry baby... I'm just kidding... you want to go out for breakfast... we can go out for breakfast... Come here...." Chris chuckles reaching up to me, taking my arms away from my chest, placing soft kisses on my hand.  
"And take a walk downtown....? There's this record store you should check out with me... I haven't been there in such a long time..." I say with his lips still kissing the palm of my hand while he holds the other as I continue to straddle him.  
"Yea... we can do that," He says placing kisses up my arm.  
"Then maybe we can go to the park or something...?" I ask hopefully, tracing my finger back down between his pecs again.

"Sure baby..." He says between his kisses, closing his eyes.  
"I could pretty much ask you anything right now couldn't I?" I smirk.  
"Uh huh..." Chris moans a little as I trace my finger down his flat stomach, feeling his excitement grow beneath me.  
"Hmmm.... can I have a pony?" I giggle innocently.  
"No... but you can ride me like one," He says so slyly, his eyes flicking open to look at me, causing me to become excited myself. Suddenly he bucks his hips playfully causing me to fall forward. I squeal in surprise as I catch myself against his chest, Chris laughing at my reaction to him. I crash my lips to his, sucking on his beautiful bottom lip, his hands moving to my thighs then to my hips, feeling me grind against him. I then part my lips from his, his expression showing that all too familiar mischievous smirk and before I knew it I was riding him, getting tangled up in the sheets with my husband.

•••

"Alright baby... where to first?" Chris says with his hand in mine as we walk out of the hotel and down to the sidewalk. It was a beautiful warm summer day, not too hot and not even humid at all which was surprising for Toronto. I threw on my black ripped leggings with my Aerosmith shirt, the one that he wrote in permanent marker the night he walked me home for the first time. His message is still there too even through all the washings I've put it through. My hair still up and of course my silver studded belt with my studded wristcuff and Doc Martens.

"Coffee first...? I've been dying for a Timmies coffee since we got here," I say as I look up at him. He puts his sunglasses on as his gorgeous dark curls move slightly in the breeze. He looked so amazing in his white fitted tank top, his black wrist cuffs, his black shorts with a red plaid button up shirt tied around his waist and of course those classic Doc Martens to match mine.

"Timmies? ," He raises his eyebrow at me and places a kiss on the back of my hand.  
"Tim Hortons..." I say flatly.  
"You Canadians and your Tim Hortons..." He shakes his head at me.   
"Hey now... I don't make fun of your Starbucks so don't make fun of my Timmies..." I giggle as I pat him on his chest playfully.   
"Starbucks, please... you know there are plenty of better Seattle coffee shops than that corporate Starbucks crap..." He says sarcastically but he's so right.  
"I know.... but Timmies is so freaking good...I don't care if it's corporate sell out... " I say reminiscing with the taste of that coffee and he laughs.  
"Ok... ok... let's go get a... Timmies?" Chris says, his expression showing the awkwardness of him saying it.

"Next you're gonna get me to start saying 'aboot' or something..." He jokes and I look offended at him.  
"Fuck you," I laugh and he laughs placing a kiss on my temple.  
"You're so cute when you're mad..." He says and places another kiss on the back of my hand.  
"Yea well... you're lucky you're so... " I trail off trying to think of what to say.

"Charming...? Sexy...?"

"No..." I smirk.  
"No?! what do you mean 'No'?!" He says through clenched teeth, laughing, as he grabs me around my hips and pulls me into him causing me to laugh. People who were walking behind us step around us and give us a weird look.  
"Sorry..." I apologize as they walk away. I look back up at Chris and he looks at me and we laugh a little with each other. It's so funny how we get carried away with each other not realizing that there's anyone else around but I swear I wouldn't have it any other way.

•••

We grab some coffee at Timmies and head to the record shop that I couldn't wait to show Chris.

"Fuck... it's like this place hasn't changed..." I say when we walk through the door with the bell chiming. The place still looked exactly the same, the large sign on the front 'Kops Records' hadn't changed a bit. It was almost like stepping back in time to when I was a teenager when I used to take trips to Toronto to see my cousin and I would always make a stop in here. Posters covered the walls with the likes of Ramones, Siouxsie and the Banshees, Sex Pistols, Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin... pretty much anything classic rock and Punk related. This was the store where I could find all the weird black metal I was so into as Peterborough didn't really have much of a selection for stuff like that. The sections were still kept the same as well. Country and Pop at the front... more Classic rock and newer rock in the middle and the very, very back was all the punk, metal and obscure stuff.

"Follow me..." I say eagerly taking Chris's hand and leading him to the back of the store. He smiles at me as I head straight to the Metal section. As soon as I reach the back I start flipping through each record, excited just like a kid in a candy store. Chris chuckles and places a kiss on my temple.  
"I'll just leave you to this... I'm gonna browse over here for a bit..." He says.  
"Ok," I say, not even looking at him while I continue to flip through the records. He smirks and gives me another quick kiss on my temple then walks over to another part of the store.

As soon as I find what I was looking for... a Satyricon album that was original first pressing of Nemesis Dvina, a Mayhem album called Grand Declaration of War, which I didn't even know they put out but the cover just looked so cool, and just to show my wide range of music tastes, I found The Scream's - Let It Scream, a bluesy hard rock L.A based band in which the album came as a bundle with the cassette... how freaking cool is that? It's weird how it was back in the metal section though.

"Hey... I'm sorry to bother you but... are... are you Chris Cornell?" A young girl says walking up to him as I walk over to where he was flipping through some records. He turns and looks to see her and smiles so shyly.  
"Uh... yea, well I hope I am... last time I checked the mirror I was..." He jokes and the young girl laughs nervously. She couldn't have looked more than 18 with long dark hair and big brown eyes but so tiny. She had to have been barely 5 feet tall. Chris towered over her in comparison. Well he sort of towers over everyone but especially her.

"I'm sorry I hope I didn't interrupt you or anything... it's just... I'm such a fan of you and your band... " She says shyly.  
"Thank you," Chris says sweetly.  
"The way you sing... and your lyrics... I'm sorry I just love you..." She gushes to him.  
"Oh... um, well thank you..." He smiles sweetly at her.  
"I mean... I'm sorry...not like... I love you... I mean I love what you do... I should say..." She says nervously, her face turning an incredible shade of red as she realizes what she just said.  
"No that's ok... don't be sorry..." He smiles. She glances over and sees me standing near them. I figured I should stay back a little so she can have her moment. She seemed really sweet.

"Um... this is my wife... Andrea," He smiles at me and gestures for me to come closer.  
"Hi... Sorry... I know...Um... you're so pretty..." She smiles at me. She recognizes me?   
"Awe... thank you," I blush.   
"Ok... I'm just going to go... I just wanted to tell you that..." She smiles at Chris.  
"Well, thank you," He smiles back.   
"Oh... wait...um... can you sign my arm?" She says as she pulls out a black sharpie pen from her bag and holds it up, looking at him with her big brown eyes. Ok, even I have to admit, she is kind of cute. Chris smiles sweetly at her, takes the pen as she rolls up her red plaid long sleeve button up shirt, pointing for him to sign the inside of her wrist. He signs her wrist quickly and the look on her face was priceless. She looked so happy.

"Thank you," She says cutely as he hands her back her pen and she walks away. He turns and looks at me, placing his arm around my waist as I look back up at him holding the records I picked out.  
"You're so sweet," I smile at him.  
"Meh... I try," He smirks at me and places a quick kiss on my lips. He doesn't have to try, he just is.

"So... you find anything?" He asks as he glances at the records that I held to my chest.  
"Uh yea... I sure freaking did..." I say excitedly looking down at the records and he giggles.

"You?" I ask as I look up at him.

"Nah... nothing that I don't already have... you wanna head out?" He asks.

"Sure," I say. He gives me another quick kiss on my lips and I head up to the register to pay and then we head out of the record store.

•••

After we spent the most of the morning in the record shop, we decided to drop off the records we purchased back at the hotel room so Chris could also grab his guitar, and I could grab a bottle of wine - yes I felt like drinking- and take a stroll down to one of the parks that were near the hotel.

We were able to find a spot far into the park where most people never go into, and found a huge maple tree to sit under. Once we were seated under the big beautiful tree, I took out the bottle of wine from my bag and Chris immediately pops open the bottle for me.

"Shit, we didn't bring any glasses," I say.  
"Meh, we'll improvise," He smirks and takes a drink straight from the bottle. I giggle at him as he hands me the bottle and then takes his guitar out of the case.

"What, are you going to serenade me now?" I smirk as I take a drink from the bottle, the sweet red wine making my taste buds tingle.   
"Maybe... but now I'm not so sure," He smirks laying his mahogany red Dean Martin acoustic across his lap.

"Very funny," I smirk as I pass him the bottle. He takes a drink, a longer one this time and passes it back to me. Then he just starts plucking at the strings, not really playing anything in particular. I sit with him and take another drink of the sweet red wine as I lean back against the tree and close my eyes. The sound of his playing is so calming, that I find myself drifting away for a few moments.

After a few moments, I open my eyes to look up at the leaves above me blowing softly in the wind. I take another drink, a longer one this time, and pass the bottle back to Chris. I shudder a little, feeling warmth from the wine coursing through my veins.

" You ok baby?" Chris chuckles.

"Yea, just a little buzzed," I say and close my eyes again.

"Good," He smirks and takes another long drink. He passes the bottle back to me and continues to pluck at the strings. Then after a few moments he starts to play the haunting main riff to 'Seasons'. I open my eyes and take another drink and look over at him, His head down watching his hands as he plays, his beautiful dark curls falling in his eyes though I can see him focusing on his fingers. He stopped playing 'Seasons' and now was playing Dime's riff to Pantera's Walk that instantly got me excited. He looks up at me with a silly look and continues to play it while I start to laugh.

"Can't you see? I'm easily bothered by persistence" He mocks Phil Anselmo's voice though Chris's mocking is really impressive.

"One step from lashing out at you," He sings and I start to laugh hysterically.  
"Chris... stop..." I laugh.

"I wont stop, no not right now, cause this is making you laugh," He sings to the rhythm of 'Walk' all the while still playing Dime's riff.

"Chris!"   
"I need more love from you, what do I do?" He sings in his best Phil Anselmo voice and I almost fall over laughing.

"That line was lame, I'm sorry," He laughs as he flips his curls out of his face and stops playing.

"Oh, my God, what the hell?" I laugh as I wipe a tear that escaped.

"Or I could go... 'My moma talkin' to me tryna tell me how to live'" He sings in his best Cheech impression as he strums the riff to 'Earache My Eye'.

"Chris!" I laugh.

"The worlds coming to an end and I don't give a fuck!" He sings.

"Chris!"

"Cause I'ma big Rock star makin' lots of money!!! ," He sings badly though Chris singing badly is still fucking amazing.

"Chris!" I laugh, moving over to him, attempting to get him to stop.

"And I only know three Chords!!!! Blaaaaahhhh!!!" He sings while aggressively strumming so fast. He laughs as I take the guitar away from him and set it down on the grass beside him.

"Ok, ok... I get it..." I laugh as he laughs at me laughing at him and I swear, he's so fucking adorable even when he's being so weird. He then grabs my hips and pulls me into his lap, my arms resting on his shoulders, my fingers playing with his soft curls as we continue to laugh.

"I love that sound," He chuckles.  
"What sound?" I giggle as my laughing calms down.  
"The way you laugh..." He says as he reaches up and moves a stray curl that fell into my eyes. He looks at me for a few moments and I touch my forehead to his. I close my eyes and just breathe him in, listening to the wind gently blowing through the trees.

"Andrea..." He says quietly after a few moments.  
"Yea...?" I breathe.

"Let's make a baby..."

•••

"What?" I ask, not sure If I just heard Chris correctly. He lifts his forehead from mine, moves a stray curl from my eyes and looks at me with those Irish blue orbs of his.  
"Let's make a baby..." He repeats, his tone soft and endearing. My heart started to pound and I could feel my body grow hot with nervousness.  
"A baby...?" I ask nervously, my voice trembling.  
"Yea..." He says so sweetly to me.  
"But... we've never talked about having a baby before..." I say extremely nervously.  
"Well, let's talk about it now... don't you want to...?" He looks at me furrowing his brow and I felt a little on the spot. I didn't even know how to answer.

"I don't know... I've never thought about it before... I mean... it just never crossed my mind..." I say.  
"Ok... well... wouldn't you want to have a baby with me...?" Chris asks and I could tell I was starting to worry him.  
"I didn't say that... I'm just saying... you mean like right now?" I start to fumble.  
"Yea... well not now, now.... like... 9 months from now..." He smiles at me and I giggle a little. I look away from his eyes for a moment and hesitate a little. I look back at him while his blue eyes stay locked on me. He touches his forehead back to mine and looks at me under his brow.

"I love you more than anything in this world... I never thought I could ever love someone as much as I love you... I mean it when I say 'to the stars baby'... and I would love more than anything for you to be the mother of my child... so... let's make a baby... baby,"

At first I had no idea what to even say. I don't know if it was the moment between us, or how he asked me but as I looked into his eyes, I already knew my decision all along. I just needed to actually say it out loud.

"I don't know anything about how to be a mother... I'm an only child... what if I mess up...? What if she/he, it... doesn't love me... what if-"  
"Hey baby... whoa... wait...does that mean...?" Chris laughs, lifting his forehead from mine as he tries to calm my frantic thoughts that I'm somehow just letting spill out everywhere.  
"Mean what?" I breathe.  
"You want to have a baby... with me?" He asks as he cups my face in his palms.

"Yea... yea, let's make a baby..." I smile at him after a few moments of us just looking into each other's eyes. Chris's eyes lit up like I've never seen them before as he crashes his lips to mine. His kiss, so electrifying and intense, sends shivers through my entire being. His tongue swipes across my bottom lip as I deepen the kiss, shifting myself as I lace my fingers through his curls.

"Do you want to get started now? " He breathes, touching his forehead back to mine.  
"Uh huh..." I breathe and crash my lips back to his.  
"Oh, wait... no... not yet..." I say quickly breaking my lips away from his.  
"Why, what's wrong?" He looks at me worried.  
"I'll uh, have to make an appointment... for my... you know," I trail off but he still looks at me confused.  
"Your what?" He asks.  
"My... IUD..." I say quiet and awkwardly.

"Oh..."

"So there wouldn't be a point... right now..." I say.  
"Oh... trust me... there's a point," Chris smirks slyly at me which makes me giggle, and presses his lips to mine.


	73. So Close But So Far

Seattle Washington, December 29 1992

"Ok... come on... please this time... please..." I say to myself as I sit alone on the toilet in our bathroom, holding my future on a tiny little stick. It felt like an eternity waiting for this little piece of plastic to decide my fate. Though I am desperately hoping this time, fate will be on my side.

Soundgarden has been on a much needed break since the fall, to work on the new record and re-charge from the massive tour they finished supporting Guns N Roses and Lollapalooza. It's been so amazing having Chris at home for a while instead of travelling all over the world. Don't get me wrong, I love that I get to be with him travelling on tour with him, I just start to miss home sometimes and I'm glad we are able to stay in one place right now, even if it's only for a little while.

Over the last few months I was able to reconnect my friendship with Eddie without it being awkward or weird at all. Pearl Jam was also on a little break for the the winter and in the middle of writing for their next album as well. Over the holidays, we spent some time with the guys and Chris and I spent Christmas day with his brother Peter and his Mother Karen. Ever since last Christmas when Chris saw the struggle I went through, not having my mom and no one in my family even reaching out to me... well let's face it, the same thing happened this year as well, and the fact that we are trying to have a baby, I think he thought it was time. As soon as the tour with GNR was done, Chris reached out to his mother and started working on trying to mend the relationship that had broken so many years ago.

I met his mom for the first time just before Halloween and to say the least, it was a nerve wracking experience. I know... it seems crazy that Chris and I have been together since 1988 and married since 1991 and I am just meeting his mom for the first time, but I am not one to judge anyones family or the choices they make with each other. Chris has told me everything that had happened with his mother and how they grew apart so I understand completely why he hadn't reached out to her for so long. All I can say is that they are now trying to mend the relationship that had been broken for so long and I love Chris for taking the first step.

His mom is really sweet and welcomed me without hesitation. I am obviously weary because I don't know her at all... but I have to admit, it felt really good to be around family again. I mean I am her daughter in law now.

We have been trying for a baby since August and when I had the appointment with my doctor to take out my IUD, she told me I should be able to get pregnant right away, though it seems to be proving difficult.

Last month I consulted with my doctor just to see why nothing seemed to be working. She suggested to relax, eat right and don't stress and let my body decide when it's time to conceive. I know I should just let it be, but each time I take that test and that little piece of plastic shows a blue line, I just feel like my body has failed me once again.

So here I sit in the bathroom... alone... while Chris is sound asleep in bed...waiting for this plastic stick thing to decide my future.

"Ok... please, please, please..." I say with my eyes closed, a part of me not wanting to look. I flick my eyes open and look down at the stick in my hand and instantly my heart drops.

Negative.

I let out a sigh and close my eyes again, feeling an overwhelming feeling of frustration and sadness. I try to get myself together but as the frustration bubbles even more to the surface, I whip the plastic stick across the bathroom, it bounces off the tile wall and lands in the porcelain tub. I wipe away a stray tear that somehow escaped my eye, stand up and head out of the bathroom to see Chris laying on his back, the covers barely pulled up to his hips, softly sleeping away. I take in a deep breath and walk over to my side of the bed and gently climb back in, trying not to disturb him. I lay on my side facing away from him and try to at least fall back to sleep. I glance at the alarm clock on my bedside table and it was only 6:30AM. I close my eyes and try to fall back to sleep.

•••

Chris flutters his eyes open and stretches for a few moments as he wakes from his comfortable sleep. He turns and sees Andi quietly sleeping, places a kiss on her exposed shoulder and slowly climbs out of bed to head to the washroom. As soon as he walks in, he notices the pregnancy test that Andi took, laying in the bottom of the tub. He picks up the plastic stick and sees that all too familiar sign that it didn't work this time.

"Awe... baby..." He says quietly to himself as he feels the sadness that he knows Andi is feeling. He walks over to the sink, and tosses the stick into the trash can beside the counter. He looks in the mirror, flipping his dark curls out of his face, looking over the slight stubble that has occurred on his cheeks overnight. After looking in the mirror for a few moments, trying hard to forget the disappointment of the test result, he opens the medicine cabinet and takes out his razor and shaving cream.

•••

I wake to hear the sound of the shower running as I turn over on my back and rub my eyes to rid the sleep. I am actually surprised I was able to fall back to sleep and so I did feel a little better but not by much. I sit up in bed, grab my hair tie from the bedside table and throw my hair up, to help take care of the mess of curls on my head. I hate bed head sometimes. As I pull the covers up to cover my bare chest, Chris emerges from the bathroom, a towel around his hips, the droplets of water from the shower still trickling down his chest as he uses another towel to dry his hair.

"Hi," He says so sweetly to me.  
"Hey," I say quietly and yawn.   
"You sleep ok?" He asks as he dries off his bare chest.  
"Meh..." I shrug as I look up at him. He walks around to my side of the bed and leans down to place a kiss on my lips.  
"You ok?" Chris asks when he pulls away from me and continues to dry his hair.  
"Yea... why?" I lie.  
"I uh... saw... the uh... test in the bathtub..."

"Oh... yea..." I say awkwardly and look away, shifting myself in the bed. He looks at me for a few moments with that all too familiar sympathetic look he gives me, that I should be used to by now, but it's really starting to make me feel worse, rather than comforting me like before. As the moments of silence tick by between us, it started to make me feel more awkward than before so I throw the covers off of me and climb out of bed.

"Andi... hey," Chris says and reaches for my hand, turning me to face him. I look up into those blue eyes knowing the disappointment that I'm causing him, though he looks at me with love but I just know I'm failing him each time.  
"I'm just going to take a quick shower... " I say as I look away from him.  
"Ok..." He says quietly. I lift myself up and place a quick kiss on his freshly shaven cheek then turn as he slowly lets go of my hand and I head into the washroom to get ready for the day.


	74. Shape Of Things To Come

Seattle Washington, January 15 1993

"Nice! That tone was perfect," Kim says as they end the song that they were rehearsing.  
"Fuck I need a drink... my throats a little fucked up, mind if I grab a beer?" Chris says as he sets his '89 Gretch down on the guitar stand.  
"No man, have at 'er," Kim says as he plucks the strings to his Gibson Firebird.

Kim had made some new renovations to his studio at his home so Chris and the guys decided to rehearse there instead, to try out the new acoustics and recording equipment. So far it seems to be working out really well.

"I'm surprised Andi didn't come over with you," Kim says still plucking away at the strings.  
"Yea she's usually always up for hanging out with us," Matt says as he sets his drumsticks down on the snare drum.   
"Yea... she uh... had an appointment or something today... so she said she would try and make it over when she was done... " Chris lies as he walks over to the fridge and pulls out a beer. In reality she didn't want to come at all because... well...

"I'm gonna head out to the store for some more drinks... you guys want anything?" Ben says as he sets his bass down and grabs his keys.  
"Yea... well actually I'll just come with ya," Matt says and gets up from his stool.   
"Chris... you need anything?" Ben asks.  
"Uh... no I'm good," He says flipping his curls out of his face.

"Kim?" Ben asks.  
"Uh... yea.... smokes?" Kim says as he pats himself, realizing he was out of cigarettes.

"Ok," Ben says as he and Matt head up the stairs and out of the studio. Chris walks back over and sits down on one of the stools, taking a sip of his beer.

"You alright man?" Kim looks at him as he still plucks the strings on his guitar.  
"Huh...?" Chris says as Kim breaks him out of his daze.  
"You're just really quiet... you ok man?" Kim asks and sets down his guitar on it's stand and head over to the fridge or a beer.  
"Yea... yea I'm fine..." Chris says and takes a sip of his beer. Kim opens his beer, takes a sip and sits down on a stool across from Chris as Chris looks down at his feet, examining his Doc Marten's, leaning forward, resting his forearms on his knees. Kim looks at him not sure if he should press him or not but he know Chris well enough to know when something's on his mind.

"Andi and I are trying to have a baby..." Chris says as he leans back on the stool and takes a sip.  
"Really? That's fucking awesome man," Kim smiles excitedly and takes a sip of his beer.  
"...Right?" Kim trails off noticing that Chris didn't really react.

"Yea... yea no it's good... it's just...." Chris trails off and takes another sip not knowing how to explain his feeling.  
"What's wrong?" Kim asks.  
"Nothing.... well.... I hope nothing's wrong..." Chris says and Kim gives him a confused look.  
"We've been trying since August... so I know it hasn't been that long but... I'm just... I'm confused as to why nothing's working...." Chris says looking at his beer and peeling the label.

"Um... well you're like... you're doing it right...right?" Kim asks awkwardly.  
"Yes... fuck yes... fuck," Chris says quickly trying not to be awkward but getting uncomfortable with talking about sex with Kim all of a sudden.  
"Sorry... It's just... ok...never mind," Kim says and takes a sip.  
"Yes we're doing 'It' " Chris says and Kim giggles.

"We have like a schedule too... "  
"You have to schedule it...?" Kim raises his eyebrow.

"No... like a schedule when she's ... like... the time of the month when she's supposed to be more likely to get pregnant..."

"Oh... an ovulation schedule... ok," Kim says finally getting what he meant.  
"Which yea... ok... but it sometimes takes the fun out of it... or something... but I don't get it... I don't know what's going on..." Chris says and takes another sip.  
"Have you gone to a doctor?" Kim asks.  
"Yea... well, I went just before we even decided to try for a baby and... everything is ok with me... at least that's what the doctor told me," Chris says leaning forward again.  
"Is that why Andi isn't here?" Kim asks quietly.  
"Yea... well she uh... she just wanted to be home alone really... which I get... so I didn't want to force her to come out... you're the only one who knows now that we're trying..." Chris says and looks at his beer.

"Is she alright though...?" Kim asks slightly concerned.

"Yea... yea she's fine... she had and appointment back in December but I don't think her doctor checked anything, just gave her some advice saying not to worry and that to just relax... but it just seems like... I don't know..." Chris trails off and takes another sip.

"Have you talked to her about it...?" Kim asks.  
"No... and that's another thing... it's like there's this weird awkwardness between us that I can't explain... I don't know how to... even bring it up... I don't want her thinking it's her fault... "  
"Then you gotta talk to her and let her know that..." Kim says.  
"I know... I know... I just... I really want to have a baby with her, you know? It's fucking frustrating and I don't know how to even talk to her about it,"

"Is it frustrating you to the point where you don't want to be with her?" Kim says taking a sip.  
"Fuck no, why would you ask that?" Chris remarks quickly almost offended at the question.  
"Sorry... sorry I just wanted to make sure you weren't thinking something crazy," Kim re-assures him and takes another sip.  
"No... I love her more than anything..."Chris says looking down at his beer again.  
"I know... but you gotta let her know that... it's gonna happen, don't worry. I still think it's fucking awesome that you guys are wanting to have a baby," Kim says with a smile.

"Thanks..." Chris smiles and takes a sip.  
"Don't worry man... it'll happen..." Kim says and takes a sip.

"I hope so,"

•••

"Hidden under it's wings  
The darkness you wish to hide  
Bearer of ugly truths

Grey...  
Somber morning  
Through blurry glass  
The black crow

Here comes the messenger  
Found bringer of dark days  
Here comes the messenger  
Black crow on a tombstone"

Laying on the floor in the living room, I blast Satyricon's 'Black Crow On A Tombstone' through the stereo speakers, feeling the music flow through my being. It had been so long since I was able to just zone out and lay on the floor feeling the music and letting it take me to a whole other world.

Chris was at band rehearsals at Kim's place which allowed me to hang out here by myself. I have to admit, it's actually nice to just be alone and crank some dark, black metal... something that I actually haven't done in a while. Chris asked me to go with him but I'm honestly just not in the mood to be around the guys right now.

It's a little weird when Chris and I are alone together. It's hard to explain... it's like theres this awkwardness between us when we're together, if we're not having sex I mean. It almost feels like because we're trying to have a baby, the spontaneity and romance is taken out of it. I know it's because of me, I'm the one who put us on a schedule because the doctor had told me to keep track of when the best time to conceive would be... but I don't know how to tell him that I'm not sure I even want to try anymore.

So instead of talking, I'm laying here on the floor, in the living room of our beautiful house, trying to forget about how I feel.

"Stare  
That reeks of death  
The posture  
Makes you tremble"

Here comes the messenger  
Found bringer of dark days  
Here comes the messenger  
Black crow on a tombstone"

"What the..-?" I say when the music is suddenly turned down. I look up and see Chris standing over me smiling.  
"Sorry... I was trying to get your attention," Chris chuckles a bit.  
"Oh... hey, sorry," I give a half smile and pull myself up into a seated position.   
"That's ok..." He says as he kneels down to me.  
"You're home early...?" I say as I adjust my Black Sabbath shirt from laying on the floor.  
"Yea well..." Chris shrugs, his dark curls falling in his face. He looks back at me and flips them out of his face giving me a half smile.

"Uh... how did it go...?" I ask breaking the moment of silence between us.   
"Good... it was good..."Chris grins at me.  
"Good..." I say quietly. He leans in to me and places a quick kiss on my lips and then stands back up and turns the music back up for me, then heads walks towards the kitchen, his footsteps booming against the hardwood floor, his curls swaying with his movements. I exhale as I sit for a moment and close my eyes, then lay myself back down on the floor and loose myself in the music once more.


	75. Am I Good Enough For You?

Seattle Washington, January 31 1993

Chris sits in his pickup truck stopped at a red light, tapping his hands on the steering wheel, The Beatles 'Strawberry Fields' coming through the radio. He was on his way home from another band rehearsal at Kim's place and was ready to just call it a day, maybe see if Andi would like to go out and do something. It had been so long since they had a day away from the house. It was still early in the afternoon so he figured it would be a good time as any and maybe try to cheer her up a little. She had taken another test this morning and it came up negative once again. This time he could tell she didn't want him to know. He can still see her coming out of the bathroom with that look of disappointment that he was so used to seeing and yet still not knowing how to comfort her. Back in the beginning of November, Chris had started to fix up one of the spare bedrooms, turning it into a little nursery with a crib, a changing table and a rocking chair. Andi was really excited at first when he surprised her with the room, but she hasn't really gone in the room at all since then,. He understands though... Chris hasn't really gone in that room either, but he is trying to stay positive. It'll happen...

Chris takes off as soon as the light turns, heading down the road back home. Suddenly out of nowhere, a small little melody emerges from him.

"In my eyes..., mmm hmmm hmmm  
In disposed... mmm hmmm hmm hmmm....no one knows..."

He hums along quietly not even thinking about it and then realizing that maybe there's something there.

"Fuck... is that...?" He says to himself as he travels down the road. He leans over and quickly opens the glove box, without taking his eyes off the road, he pulls out a small pad of paper but can't find a pen.

"The sun.... in my disgrace...fuck I can hear it in my head... can't loose it, can't loose it... damn it where's a pen?!" He says trying to maintain the melody that he hears and desperately trying not to forget it. He slams the glove box shut and continues with the humming as he finally reaches his street. He guns it down the road and quickly turns into the driveway, parking and hopping out of the truck, slamming the door shut and running up to the front door and heading inside.

•••

"Hey..." I say, looking up from my book as I see Chris bound through the door.  
"Hey," He says quickly,  
"How was.... re-... hearsal," I trail off as he says nothing flipping his curls out of his face and running downstairs to his studio.

"Ok then..." I say to myself and turn back to my book, laying on the couch in front of the fire.

•••

Chris bounds down the studio stairs and heads over to his desk where a bunch of his recording equipment is set up. He quickly sits down in the chair and tries to find a blank cassette just to quickly record what he is hearing in his head.

"Fuck, yes thank god... ok," He says as he scrambles and finally finds on, places it in the recorder, grabs his Cherry Burst Gibson as that is the only guitar close to him right now, plugs it into the amp that was also connected and set up through his pedal board. He then turns back to press record and then starts to play the chords he was hearing in his head.

"In my eyes... In disposed...  
In disguises no one knows  
Hides the face... lies the snake...  
And the Sun in my disgrace....."

He stops for a moment and then repeats the beginning chords again.

"Boiling Heat... Summer Stench...  
'Neath the black the sky looks dead...  
Call my name through the cream and I'll hear you scream again..."

He stops again and closes his eyes letting himself hear the melody and then starts again.

"Black Hole Sun... won't you come...  
And wash away the rain....  
Black Hole Sun... won't you come... won't you come... won't you come...

Stuttering... cold and damp...  
Steal the... warm wind... tired friend...  
Times are gone... for honest men....   
And sometimes far too long for snakes  
In my shoes... a walking sleep  
And my youth I pray to Keep....   
Heaven send hell away no one sings like you anymore...."

He stops for a few more moments and opens his eyes again, looking down at his fingers on his Cherry Burst Gibson.

"Hang my head... drown my fear...   
'Til you all just....disappear...

Black Hole Sun... won't you come...  
And wash away the rain...   
Black Hole Sun... won't you come... won't you come... won't... you... come," He sings, slowly trailing off.

He sits with the guitar in silence for a few moments, looking down at his fingers that still pressed the strings with the last chord and then lets go, dropping his hands to his lap. He flips his curls out of his face, then reaches over and stops the tape. He continues to sit there for a few moments almost in a daze, wondering just what the hell and where that came from. Most of the time, when that happens it's like it doesn't phase him... he just lets the moment flow, and is able to remember it even if he can't write it down right away. But this time was the first time where he desperately didn't want to loose it and forget. It doesn't even sound like a Soundgarden song but it was like something just flowed through him in that moment that he couldn't explain.

•••

"Babe...?" Chris calls as he walks up from the basement stairs and sees me still reading on the couch.  
"Yea...?" I say still looking at my book.  
"Let's go out and grab something to eat... I don't know about you but I'm hungry..." Chris says as he walks over to me. I look up at him and he takes the book out of my hands, and closing it.

"Hey... my spot though," I say.  
"Shit... sorry...but... um... lets go out babe... get outta the house for a bit" He says and I take my book back trying to find where I was.  
"Um... ok I guess..." I say, giving up on trying to find my page and setting the book down on the space beside me. Chris looks down at me giving me a pleading look.

"Where were you thinking of...?" I ask.  
"Let's go to Lola's... we haven't been there in a while... I know you love their steak on a bun," Chris says as he looks down at me. I think it over for a few moments and then look back up at him, seeing the pleading look on his face... how can I say 'no' to him.

"Ok... um... I'll have to change," I say as I look down over myself laying in my black yoga pants and black tank top with no bra and my hair all up in a messy ponytail.  
"Ok..." He says smiling at me. I look at him a little awkwardly and then swing my legs over the couch and then make my way upstairs to change into something more presentable.

I decided to change into a black mini lacy long sleeve dress, one that I haven't worn in such a long time and hugged my curves in all the right places. I left my hair up but fixed it so it looked a little less messy in a bad way and more messy in a good way, spritzed a bit of perfume, Chris's favorite and put on my lacy open toed heel wedges, then made my way downstairs. I see Chris at the entry way, already in his Leather jacket, his curls perfectly resting just past his shoulders, clad in his black baggy below the knee shorts, his black button up shirt and his Doc Martens. I see Chris's eyes grow wide as I walk over to him to grab my leather jacket.

"Hi," He says so sweetly.  
"Hi," I smile back at him.

"I hope this isn't too much...?" I say, looking down at myself, smoothing over my dress.  
"No, baby... you look beautiful," He says and I look back up at him as we lock eyes for a few moments. He then grabs my jacket for me and opens the front door, letting me walk outside first, his hand touching the small of my back as and closing the door behind him.

The ride downtown to the restaurant was a little awkward to say the least. I felt extremely nervous for some reason, almost as if it was our first date all over again. We really hadn't been out together in a long time, just Chris and I.

Once we reach the restaurant and Chris finds a parking spot, he hops out of the truck, quickly walks around to my side and helps me down. He takes my hand we head into the restaurant and find our spot with our reservations. A young waitress arrives with some menus for us to look at and starts us off with drinks. I order just a glass of white wine, while Chris orders a Jack and Diet Coke. She then walks away slowing us time to look over the menus.

"God... everything looks so good," I say as I read over the menu.

"Yea...," Chris smiles as he looks over his. After a little bit, the waitress comes back with our drinks and we decide on our food, I end up just going with my usual steak on a bun like Chris mentioned before and hand the menus back to her. She walks away with a smile, leaving Chris and I alone.

"So... re-hearsals went well...?" I ask as I take a sip of my wine, trying to start a conversation.

"Yea... yea, the material is coming together really well... We're still working out a few songs for the record but yea... it's going really well," Chris says and takes a sip of his drink.

"Awesome... that sounds awesome babe," I smile and take another sip. God I feel so nervous.

"Yea... and uh... we're almost ready to start recording too, I just have a little more material to write and we gotta find a producer..." Chris says and the waitress comes back with our food, setting it down in front of us.

"You don't want to go with Terry again?" I ask after thanking the waitress and she walks away.

"Well... not that we didn't like what he did before but... we're just thinking of a change, you know... I mean, we could only go so far with Terry... I feel anyways..." Chris says as he begins to eat. We sit and eat our meal, engaging in a little more small talk, but mostly stay silent as we eat which made me feel even more nervous.

After we finish our food, the waitress comes back and takes our plates and I order another glass of wine while Chris orders another Jack and Diet Coke. Maybe the second glass will help me open up a little bit. When the waitress comes back with our drinks, Chris and I still stay silent as he looks around at all the other couples laughing around us, listening to some of the background noise of their conversations.

I take another sip of my wine and he takes another sip of his drink and looks back at me, giving me the sweetest smirk, and I can tell he's feeling the awkwardness too.

"Chri-"

"Andi -" We both say our names at the same time and then laugh a little as we do.

"You go first..." He smiles.  
"No it's ok... you go," I say and take a sip of my wine. He looks down at his glass for a moment, twirling it between his fingers, contemplating on what to say. I set my glass down on the table almost afraid of what he is about to say.  
"I'm just going to come right out and say this...." Chris says and looks up at me, my heart beginning to pound.

"I miss you... I miss just being able to be with you without all these weird schedules and times... I miss being able to talk to you without it turning into a conversation about when we need to have sex to make a baby..." Chris trails off.  
"I'm sorry...." I say as I look away from him and down at my glass.  
"Sorry...? Why...?" Chris furrows his brow at me.

"I'm sorry that I'm not pregnant yet... I'm sorry that nothing is working... I'm sorry that my body is failing... I'm sorry that it's my fault..." I trail off trying to gather myself together and not cry in a restaurant.  
"Baby... that's not what I meant and it's not your fault..." He looks at me his brow furrowing.  
"Well, how do you meant it then?" I ask as I twirl the stem of my wine glass between my fingers   
"I just mean that...fuck... I don't know what I mean..." Chris says fumbling, looking at his drink.

"'Cause it's my fault..."

"Andrea... it's not your fault... don't ever think that way..." Chris says looking at me reaching across for my hand and lacing his fingers through mine. All of the disappointment in myself seems to be pouring out all over him and I wasn't exactly sure how to let it out.

"All I'm saying is that... I want to be with you the way we used to be... I want my wife back..." Chris says as he looks at me with those blue orbs of his.  
"So you don't want to have a baby...?" I ask as I look down at his hand holding mine.  
"Not if it means I loose you along the way..." He says as I look back at him, feeling my heart flutter. Chris looks at his hand holding mine, his fingers playing with my ring, watching the diamond sparkle in the dimly lit restaurant light.

"I love you more than anything... and I know I said I want to start a family with you... but I can't do it like this anymore... I miss the way we were... I just want to go back to that... no more schedules, no more ovulation calendar things..." Chris says as he looks at me.

"What if it never happens...?" I ask after a few moments of silence between us.  
"It will,"  
"No Chris, I mean it... what if it never happens... what if I never get pregnant, no matter if we try or not... what if I'm never able to give you a child..." I say slightly shakily. He looks away from me for a second and then back at me.

"Am I enough for you?"

...

Sitting in the passenger seat of Chris's truck, I look out the passenger window as we make our way down the road. We've been silent with each other since I asked that question which I regret ever asking him in the first place.

We eventually come up to a stoplight and it felt like the longest light I've ever waited for. The silence between us is almost deafening when all I wanted was... well... fuck I don't know what I want. I want a baby that's what I want, but that doesn't seem to be happening.

"You're enough," Chris says, his voice a little raspy from being so silent for so long. I turn and look at him, his eyes still straight ahead, waiting for the light to change. He then looks at me with his beautiful blue eyes, so full of love, reaches over and takes my hand, lacing his fingers through mine.

"You're enough,"


	76. She's Going To Change The World

Seattle Washington, March 4 1993

"Ugh... do we really have to do this interview...?" Chris sniffs as he stands by the front door waiting for me to grab my planner. Chris has been fighting off a cold for the last week and I swear to god, if you want your husband to be a baby, just let him catch a cold. It will make your life amazing!

"Yes... the interview was set up with RIP magazine weeks ago, so we can't cancel now," I say as I walk over to him and grab my bag to stuff my planner in. As I reach for my leather jacket, Chris let's out the loudest sneeze that made me jump.  
"Fuck... I neeb a Kleenex," He says completely stuffed, holding his hands over his nose and hurries into the kitchen for some tissues to clean himself.

"Uh... I can't breathe..." He calls from the kitchen, muffled as he wipes his nose. I let out a frustrated exhale, though I don't mean to be frustrated. I'm feeling irritated and I don't know why, but if he complains one more time about his nose, I'm going to flip. I quickly throw on my jacket and sling my bag over my shoulder as he comes out of the kitchen blowing his nose some more and letting out another sneeze.

"Do you hab my allergy stuff...?" Chris sniffs as he walks back up to me.  
"In my bag," I say sarcastically and reach in my bag to grab him an anti-histamine.  
"Ok, you don't need to be so moody... I can't fucking help it that I'm sick," Chris looks annoyed at me and takes the packet.  
"Sorry... we're going to be late..." I say trying to not sound annoyed but it's hard when he's been driving me insane for the last week. I grab my keys off the table by the front door and head out to the front porch. He gives me a weird look and then follows me out the door.

The magazine interview was set up at Murphy's pub downtown and so I was excited to grab a basket of those delicious fries and onion dip while the interview took place. During the drive downtown, Chris could not stop sneezing and blowing his nose in which I tried to not let it annoy me but he was really trying my patience.

"Did you not take the anti-histamine I just gave you...?" I ask.  
"Yea... I don't know why it's not workig... and why the hell are you snappig at me?' Chris retorts, his nose still stuffed which makes him not able to pronounce his 'N's and 'M's' as we make our way down the road. I look out the windshield and avoid his question because all I want to do is just get away from him or yell at him or both. It's a very complicated emotion I'm feeling right now.

"Great, now we're fucking late..." I say as I glance at the digital clock on the dashboard.  
"Well fuck, sorry I had to drag myself outta bed which is where I really want to be instead of answering stupid fucking questions that have been asked so many fuckig tibes before..." He says looking at me with a hardened expression.

"I couldn't cancel it,"

"You shoulda tried harder," Chris retorts as we come up to a stoplight.  
"You know you could call Susan too and ask to cancel things, it doesn't always have to be me that talks to her," I say annoyed.  
"But you're the P.A... you're supposed to do those thigs, that's your job," Chris remarks.  
"So I'm your P.A all the time... even when your not on tour?" I ask sarcastically looking at him.

"No... you're my wife all the tibe -'

"So, because I'm your wife I'm just supposed to do everything for you?" I say angered.

"No, that's not what I'mb saying,"

"Sure fucking sounds like that's what your saying," I say and look out the windshield.  
"Andi, what the fuck is your probleb? Why are you so full of fuckig attitude?," Chris says louder and more annoyed.  
"I'm just hungry and we're late," I say still looking out the windshield.  
"Well fucking loose the snarkiness alright? I'm not in the fuckig mood to deal with your bitchiness and then go into this interview pretendig to be happy to be there, when I'd rather be in bed sleepig this off...!" Chris yells and I just stare out the windshield.

"I'll loose the bitchiness when you stop annoying me," I say back.

"I'm annoying?! What the fuck am I doig to annoy you?!" Chris sniffs.

"Nothing... just fucking drive ok?" I say, still not knowing myself where this is coming from, but I need to take it out on someone and since Chris is the only one here in my presence, he is unfortunately feeling the wrath of my irritation.

"Fuck," Chris exhales frustratedly as the light changes green and we head through the intersection making our way to the pub in silence.

Seattle Washington, March 15 1993

"Fuck me..." I say quietly to myself as I brush my teeth in the sink of our bathroom. It was the second time I've thrown up today. What the fuck did I eat? I've been feeling nauseous for the last few days and I can't figure out what it is that I ate that is making me feel this way. I quickly finish rinsing and dry my hands off on the towel that was hung on the towel rack and then head back out of the bathroom.

Chris and the guys were rehearsing downstairs and I could hear the music flowing up from the basement. I reach the bottom of the stairs and see Chris playing his black Fender Stratocaster while his voice sings out the lyrics to 'Head Down', one of the new songs that Ben wrote. Then the weirdest thing began to happen. I started feeling nauseous yet again. Just as Chris and the guys finish the song, Chris gives me a concerned look and I immediately run myself back upstairs, just making it to the washroom that was just off the living room.

"Baby...?" Chris knocks on the door after a few minutes. I hope he wasn't hearing me throw up.  
"Yea..." I call as I flush the toilet.  
"You ok...?" Chris asks.

"Yea... you can come in if you need to..." I say as I start the water in the sink to clean myself up a bit. He opens the door and steps inside as I dry my face with the hand towel.  
"You sure you're ok...? You took off from the basement in a hurry there..." He smirks.

"Yea... I just uh... got really nauseous again, all of a sudden... I'm ok though... you didn't hear me did you?" I ask as I look at him through the reflection of the mirror.  
"No..." Chris says, his blue eyes shining in the bathroom vanity light.

I turn and look up at him as he looks down at me, he moves closer and places a kiss on my forehead. He then draws me into him as I place my hands on his chest, feeling him flex a little through his black 90 logo T-shirt. Once again, out of nowhere I started feeling it again.

"I uh... I think I'm going to go and just lay down on the couch for a little while," I say as I try to control my breathing.  
"You alright...?" He asks concerned.  
"Yea...yea I'm fine... I just need to lay down," I say as I pull myself away from him as he watches me make my way to the couch in the living room.

"Do you need anything baby?" Chris asks as he attempts to help me to the couch.  
"Uh, maybe just... water?" I say as I sit down, trying to control my breathing and just relax. Fuck I hate this. Chris runs out to the kitchen and grabs me a cold glass of water, then heads back over and hands it to me. I take a huge sip and he places a kiss on my forehead.

"We're not going to be too much longer ok...?" He says as he moves away from me.  
"It's ok... I'll be fine..." I say as I lay back.  
"Ok..." Chris says and gives me another quick kiss on my forehead, then heads back downstairs into the studio.

Seattle Washington, March 20 1993

A few days later, I was still feeling queasy. It wasn't as intense as before but I was a little concerned. Normally, if it was something I ate, it would have ended by now. Now I know what you're thinking... I'm pregnant... but I already took a test and it was negative, just like all the other ones. Chris and I were still trying to have a baby but we weren't doing it by a certain set schedule like before. After we had that conversation at Lola's Restaurant back in January, we threw away anything that reminded us of a calendar and just went back to being us, in the moment. Trying, but not trying if that makes sense.

But just to make sure, though I know I'll be proven wrong, I'm sitting here in our bathroom, like so many times before, waiting for this little piece of plastic to once again decide my fate.

"I don't know why I'm even taking one... I know what it's going to say..." I say quietly to myself. It was early in the morning and Chris was still sleeping soundly in our bed. I couldn't sleep at all as well, you know, I'm still nauseous as ever.

But just as soon as I was sure I knew what this little piece of plastic was going to say, I look down and see that the normal blue line that I'm so used to seeing was actually a blue plus sign, as clear as it could be.

Positive.

I stare at the stick for what seemed like forever, not wanting to take my eyes off of it, afraid it was a dream. I cover my mouth with my hand to keep myself from crying out in hysterical happiness. I didn't want to wake Chris just yet. Oh who am I kidding? I want to scream it from the rooftop of our house. I almost want to take another one just to make sure, just in case this one was broken or something.

Staring at that blue plus sign, tears welling up in my eyes, I want to keep this moment here with me forever. I wipe the stray tears of happiness from my eyes, stand up from the toilet seat and make my way into our bedroom.

I see Chris sleeping so soundly, his face buried in the pillow with his curls strewn across, the blankets barely pulled up to his hips, seeing the slow rise and fall of his breathing as he is lost in a dream somewhere. I slowly make my way over to him, crawling up on my knees into the space beside him, making myself comfortable, while I wear his blue plaid button up shirt. I watch him sleep for a few more moments, admiring his features as I softly brush his curls out of his face. His beautiful eyelashes, his perfectly trimmed beard with slight stubble on his cheeks and those irresistible full lips that make me want his kisses to never end. He moans a little as his brow furrows, shifting a little and turning to see me looking at him.

"Hey," He says, his voice raspy from sleeping as he turns on his side and rubs his eyes to rid the sleep.  
"Hi," I say quietly, desperately trying to hold it in. He looks up at the beside table, the clock reading 7:30 AM, and looks back at me, his eyes fluttering, trying to focus.

"It's early..." He breathes in.  
"Yea..." I say quietly as I look at him. He stretches so cutely and then shifts himself onto his back, moving up the bed to lean against the headboard and pillows. He looks at me with those beautiful Irish blue eyes and gives me a smirk, still not having any clue what I am about to tell him.

"What is it baby...?" He giggles a little as he reaches up and moves a stray curl from my eyes.  
"It worked..." I say as I look down in my hands that held the pregnancy test. He follows my gaze and looks down at the plastic stick that I held and I look up at him. At first there was no expression from him but as I wait for his reaction, he shifts himself more into a seated position and takes the stick from me. His brow furrows, his pupils dilate as he flicks them back to mine.

"You're...?" He trails off looking at me as I quickly nod my head at him.

"You're having my baby...?" His bottom lip quivering as he looks back down at the stick and I lean in and touch my forehead to his.

"I'm having your baby...."

He closes his eyes and crashes his lips to mine. He reaches up and cups my face in his palms as I suck that beautiful bottom lip of his, then moving his hands down to my hips and he pulls me in to his lap. He moves his hands up under my shirt, up my sides and in one movement, I'm on my back with him over top of me, letting out a squeal against his lips while he wraps my legs around his waist. He chuckles when his lips break away from mine. I look into his eyes and bite my bottom lip as he opens my shirt, his attention turning to my stomach and placing soft gentle kisses as I lace my fingers through his curls. He stops after a few moments and rests his head on my stomach, his hands still holding my hips while I still continue to softly play with his curls.


	77. Baby Bump

Seattle Washington, May 29 1993

Standing in our bedroom looking at myself in the full length mirror, I adjust my Motley Crue band shirt that I had cut to style when I first got it years ago, but it's now not fitting the way I remembered. I turn and look at myself from the side and though it may not be noticeable to most people, I can see that little baby bump starting to show.

"Damn it... none of my shirts fit anymore..." I say disappointedly as I adjust my ripped black leggings and then try to adjust the shirt.  
"Awe..." Chris says as he walks over to me and looks at me through the reflection of the mirror.  
"There's no way I'm wearing any of those maternity clothes..." I say as I look at my shirt, trying to make it fit better.  
"Really? Come on I know how much you love floral patterns with big bows on the back of your shirts," Chris smirks.  
"Very funny," I giggle as I look at him through the reflection. He moves closer and places a kiss on my temple while his hand moves to my stomach.  
"You're beautiful no matter what you wear... or not wear..." Chris says raising his eyebrow at me with that mischievous smirk. I smirk back at him as he leans down to me, placing his lips on mine.

Soundgarden was playing a small show at The Moore Theatre tonight and before the show, we were meeting up with the guys at The Central for some drinks, along with Eddie, Stone, Jeff, Mike and also Jerry and Layne, which I haven't seen in such a long time. Chris wanted to get together with them before to announce that we're having a baby and obviously to celebrate the occasion. I'm just about 16 weeks along and past the first trimester, so we figured it was time to tell everyone. It's so cute to see how Chris is so excited about having a baby.

"Ok I give up... I'm going to have to shop for some more shirts or something... ugh... all my favorite shirts don't fit," I whine feeling defeated.  
"Hey... it's ok... think of it as you get to shop for some new band shirts...yay! " Chris tries to sound excited, making me feel better but, I'm feeling self conscious.  
"Yea... well..." I say and move over to the dresser, putting on my silver studded wrist cuff then throwing my curls up in a messy ponytail, letting a few stray curls escape to frame my face. I turn back to face him as he looks at me with those blue eyes, his dark curls resting just at his shoulders, wearing only his black baggy below the knee shorts and his usual Doc Martens.

"Do I look ok?" I ask furrowing my brow, feeling self conscious.  
"Baby you look beautiful," Chris smiles at me. I move back over to the full length mirror and give myself one more look as Chris walks up behind me. He leans down, placing a kiss on my shoulder, then looks in the mirror with me resting his chin on my shoulder wrapping his arms around me placing his hands on my stomach again.

"You always look beautiful to me..." Chris says looking at me through the reflection and I couldn't help but giggle. Then just to break the moment, I hate it when he gets too sappy sometimes, I stick out my tongue and throw up the devil horns which makes him laugh hysterically.

•••

We arrive at The Central a short while later and the place was empty except for Matt and Kim who were sitting at one of the larger tables towards the back, waiting for everyone else to show up.

"Hey guys," Kim smiles as we walk over to the table.  
"Hey.... where is everyone...?" Chris asks as he pulls out the chair for me and lets me sit down first and then sits down beside me.  
"Ben said he was going to be a bit late... and the rest of the guys should be here soon," Matt says as he takes a sip of his beer. Chris rests his arm around the back of my chair as I move a little closer to him.

"Well... I need another beer... you want anything Chris...?" Kim asks as he stands up.  
"Uh yea... Jack and Diet I guess," Chris says.

"Andi...?" Kim looks at me. Damn... I didn't think about that, if I say no, he might figure it out before we tell everyone.  
"Uh.... no... I'm ok for now," I say a little nervously. Kim raises his eyebrow at me for a moment. Kim has never known me to say no to a drink.

"In a little bit," I add. Kim shrugs and walks up to the bar for another.  
"Hey... what's up!" Jeff calls as he , Eddie, Stone and Mike all walk in and up to our table.  
"Hey!" Matt and Chris say at the same time as they all stand up, shake hands greeting each other and what not. After a few moments of greeting and saying hello, they all grab their seats, with Eddie sitting down beside me.

"Andi...!" Jeff calls and slides a shot of Jack Daniels across the table and it lands right in front of me.

Fuck.

I seriously wish we would've told everyone before we got here now. Suddenly Chris swoops in and grabs the shot, downing it quickly, giving me a wink as he does so.

"Oh, Fuck... I guess I was too slow," I say playing along.  
"Sorry babe..." Chris smirks and places a kiss on my temple and I see Eddie give me a weird look. I just shake my head at Eddie telling him to forget about it and Eddie shrugs, taking a sip of his red wine.   
"Hey! You can't start that shit without us!" Jerry yells as Layne follows behind him. Everyone else greets them hello just the same as before, Kim finally coming back to the table and sitting down taking a sip of his beer. After a few moments of everyone catching up, Jerry and Layne find their seats and Jeff slides another shot in front of me.

What the hell? Since when does Jeff want to get me drunk?

"Since Chris stole your last shot," Jeff smiles. I smile back awkwardly and laugh a little nervously. I look at the shot glass with the delicious Jack Daniels sitting in front of me and oh, how I wish I could drink that.  
"What's wrong Andi? You never turn down whiskey... especially J.D," Kim pipes up.  
"Yea... well..." I say quickly looking down at myself, placing my hand over my stomach and I look up at Chris as Chris looks at me with the cutest smirk on his face.

"Looks like I'm going to be turning down drinks for a while," I smirk at Chris.  
"What? Why?" Kim asks setting his beer down in front of him as everyone else around the table suddenly becomes quiet   
"We're uh.... having a baby," Chris says as he turns and looks at Kim, taking a sip of his Jack and Diet Coke.

"What?! No fucking way!" Jeff exclaims.  
"Yea way," I laugh.  
"Holy shit! that's fucking amazing!" Layne yells from the corner.  
"What...? What'd I miss?" Ben says as he walks up to our table.  
"Fuckin'... Chris and Andi are having a baby," Kim says.  
"What...? No way!" Ben smiles.  
"Yep... it's true..." Chris smirks and takes another sip of his drink.  
"Fuck man... that's awesome!" Ben smiles as he grabs his seat beside Matt.

After everyone expresses their congratulations to us, Jeff orders another round of drinks for everyone to celebrate as Chris gets up from his seat and heads towards the bar.  
"So... you know what you're having yet... or... when you're due?" Kim asks me as he takes a sip of his beer.

"I'm due October 30th ... something like that... and I uh, have an appointment next week... so we should be able to find out the sex then..."

"Fuck... a baby... a freaking baby... I'm so fucking happy for you two... I know you guys were having a tough time there, so it's so fucking awesome..." Kim smiles and takes another sip.  
"Yea... wait... what...?" I say a little confused.  
"What?" Kim says.  
"What do you mean.... 'having a tough time?'" I ask.  
"Oh... uh... just... when you were trying... you know," Kim says not realizing that I had no idea that Chris told anyone. Chris then comes back to the table and sets a glass of water down for me and I take a sip.  
"Uh huh," I say looking at Chris as he flips his curls out of his face.  
"What?" Chris says, taking a sip of his drink and looks at me.  
"You told Kim about... when I was having trouble... getting pregnant?" I ask. Chris slowly sets his drink down on the table and looks at me a little confused.

"Well no... not that you were having trouble...I didn't say that... I just talked to him about... that we were trying and.... nothing was working..."

"It's alright... it's not like he revealed anything... or anything," Kim re-assures me.  
"It's not that... I just didn't know he... I mean... you... told anyone," I say looking back at Chris.  
"Hey... the important thing is, is that you're gonna have a baby! Which is scary that's there's gonna be a little mini Chris running around," Kim smirks.  
"Yea... your baby's probably gonna come out screaming just like Chris and then you'll have two of them to deal with," Jeff laughs.  
"Fuck off," Chris smirks while everyone laughs.


	78. Here's To Old Friends

Seattle Washington, July 10 1993

"Is there anything I can help you find?"

I look up from the rack of band T-shirts that I was flipping though at one of the local record shops, Easy Street Records, here in Seattle.  
"Oh... no, thank you... I'm ok," I smile shyly at the girl and she nods and heads back to the register up at the front of the store. I was trying to some more shirts that I could style as all of my shirts at home don't fit me at all. I'm even on the hunt for some more distressed ripped black leggings too as I do not feel comfortable trying to wear any of my jean cutoff shorts and I still refuse to wear any maternity clothes. I'll be dead before you catch me in anything like that. Just because I'm pregnant, does not mean that I have to dress like it.

I bite my bottom lip and continue to flip through the rack of shirts. I haven't found anything in here that I would wear. I don't even see a Black Sabbath T-Shirt.

"Damn..." I say disappointedly and decide to make my way out of the store. I still had a few more things to shop for today, a few more baby clothes, some baby blankets and such. I still hadn't even stepped into one of those baby shops yet so that is something I really need to do.

When I had my appointment last month for a checkup, I wanted to know if we were having a boy or a girl, but sadly, the little one wasn't facing the right way to get a clear picture and so we weren't able to find out. I honestly think we're having a girl. I just have this feeling for some reason and I can't explain it. Hearing that heartbeat for the first time though... that made me cry. Chris was in the room with me and I swear I could see him tear up as well. I couldn't freaking believe it. That was when everything seemed really real. Like it wasn't just this thing growing inside me anymore. There's a little person in there.

The doctor says I'm progressing along fine and on schedule which is really good since it was so difficult for me to get pregnant in the first place. The weird thing is though, I haven't felt the baby moving at all. The doctor told me that it's completely normal for first time mothers to not even feel the baby until their 7th month so at least I know that it's not a cause for concern. I still don't really look pregnant but man, my shirts tell the tale that I am. My baby bump is a little bigger than before, though not by much but I didn't think I wore my shirts that tight

It's so crazy... I never even once thought about having a baby at all. Even as a little girl, I never really pretended to be a mom with little dolls or anything like that. I played with Barbie dolls of course but I never had that instinct to play a mom when I was really little. I never even thought about it after Chris and I got married. It's just one of those things that I just never saw happening to me, until that day when Chris asked me to have his baby. I've never met any one who has ever made me feel the way he does and this little person growing inside me that we made together, is proof at how much Chris has changed my life.

As I step out onto the sidewalk, my handbag over my shoulder, I slide my sunglasses down over my eyes and make my way up the sidewalk. It was a warm clear summer day, just absolutely beautiful with no humidity and a cool breeze as I head towards another store. One I hadn't stepped into in a very long time.

Walking through the doors of Lost Loves Clothing and Thrift Store was like walking into a time machine. I hadn't stepped through these doors in just over 2 years. Everything was still the same. The band shirts all still in the same location towards the middle, the button up shirts towards the front, and it still looked like there wasn't a specific men's or women's section either. Nancy never liked having the sexes separated. She always said 'it's one love for everyone... why should we be defined by our sections, let people choose what they like, why does it have to be separated?' I just thought it made it harder for people to find what they were looking for, but whatever.

I walk over to the section where all the vintage and new band shirts were hung up and start to flip through them. Yes! there are tons of shirts I would wear in here. Pantera, Black Sabbath, Aerosmith, even a new Sepultura shirt. I loved how Nancy was always able to find a distributor for the newer band shirts. It amazes me how a record store like Easy Street Records had nothing, but I come in here and find everything I love.

"Andi... Oh my god Andi... is that you?"

I hear a familiar voice and look up from the shirt rack that I was flipping through. It was Selena.

"Holy shit... Hi..." I smile in surprise as she walks up to me. She almost looked exactly the same, obviously a little older, just like me, but still the same. She embraces me in a hug and I suddenly get emotional. I never realized how much I've missed her until now. Damn these hormones.  
"Shit... it's been so long eh?" She giggles as she pulls away from me.  
"Yea... fuck, has it ever..." I giggle back and wipe my eyes as I set my sunglasses up on my head.  
"Shit... how are you? How've you been?' She smiles at me. Fuck, where do I even start?  
"I'm good... I'm really good actually," I giggle as I try to wipe another tear from my eye.  
"Um... are you busy right now? or... I mean do you want to go grab a drink and catch up?" She smiles at me.   
"No I'm not busy at all really, just looking for some new shirts..." I say.  
"Cool... well I'm pretty much done my shift here so I can just ring you up then," She says.

"Wait... you work here now?" I ask as I grab the shirts I picked out off the rack.  
"Yea... It's been like a year now," She says as I follow her up to the register.  
"Is Nancy still here...?" I ask as she walks around the counter and I hand her my shirts.  
"Uh... no, she sold the business just after she hired me... She almost had to close the place down so she sold it to and investor or something... so I technically run it as a GM..." She says as she rings up my shirts.

"Really... well I'm glad the store was able to be saved..." I say as I hand her some cash.  
"Yea... it's still a work in progress, I wanted to make sure that it mostly stayed the same," She says as she bags up my shirts. I take the bag from her and she quickly heads to the stairs where the basement was and yells down to someone to let them know she's leaving and then heads back over to me.  
"Alright... let's head outta here," She smiles at me as she grabs her bag from behind the counter.  
"Cool," I smile and we head out of the store.

Bad Animal Studios, Seattle Washington

"Chris... I need more from you... I know you can give me more..." Michael Beinhorn presses the mic button so Chris could hear him from the control room.

"What the fuck do you mean? I've been singing the same god damn part, 20 thousand times now," Chris says frustrated, removing his head phones.

"Chris... did you listen to the CD's I gave you?" Michael says through the mic.

"Ok as much as I respect Frank Sinatra, I can't sing like him so... and I don't even think it goes with the song," Chris says looking at Michael intensely.  
"Chris... trust me..." Michael says.  
"For fuck sakes... Fine! Fine..." Chris says and sets the headphones back on his head.  
"Ok... roll tape.... take 137," Michael says as Adam Kasper starts the tape back up.

•••

Chris walks out of the studio, out the main doors, pulling out a cigarette and lighting it up as he leans against the brick siding of the studio. He runs his fingers over his shaved head, feeling the fuzziness of his hair or lack thereof. He still remembers the look on Andi's face when she walked into the bathroom and found him right in the middle, his dark curls no longer around his shoulders but splayed out on the bathroom floor, shedding from the buzz clippers he held in his hand.

"Chris, have you seen my - Holy Shit!" She exclaims and covers her lips with her hand, her big brown eyes wide with worry.  
"What?" Chris asks still looking in the mirror, buzzing his hair away.  
"Uh... Nothing... nothing... I just... I mean... Uh... " She fumbles hoping that he's ok and not exactly sure how to even ask why he's shaving his head. Chris stops the buzzer after the last strand of beautiful dark curls falls to the floor, cleans some of the hair out, then turns to look at her as he stands only in his black boxers.

"Can you do me a favor babe?" he asks, his blue eyes gleaming.  
"Uh... huh? " Andi trails off, still shocked by how incredibly different he looks.  
"Can you check the back here and just make sure I didn't miss any spots" He says looking back in the mirror and running his fingers up the back of his head.  
"Um... sure," She says quietly and walk over to him. He hands her the buzzer as he still looks in the mirror then she looks up at him through the reflection of the mirror.

"There's a few un even spots at the back here... can you... just run the buzzer over real quick?" he says looking down at her.  
"Sure," Andi says quietly. He bends down so that she could reach behind his head and she starts the buzzer back up again. She gently runs the buzzer over the back of his head making sure everything was even. After a few moments she stops, he stands back up and looks in the mirror. She continues to look at him through the reflection as she sets the buzzer down on the sink.  
"How do I look?" He asks and looks down at her.  
"Um... good... you look really good baby," She says as she looks back up at him and gives him a half smile.  
"Good," he says looking at himself in the mirror.

"Hey man... what the hell?" Kim says breaking Chris out of his thoughts.  
"What?" Chris says flatly exhaling a puff of smoke.  
"What's with the attitude man?" Kim says annoyed.  
"I just need to get outta there... like... fuck..." Chris says and takes a drag of his cigarette.  
"Ok... you're not mad at me are ya?" Kim asks lighting up a cigarette.  
"No... no I'm just... fuck, he's pissing me off," Chris says and exhales his smoke.  
"Yea... I know but... hey, he seems to know what he's doing," Kim says.  
"We shoulda just went with Terry," Chris says in a regretful tone.  
"Yea... but hey, change is good you know... I mean... " Kim trails off and gestures to Chris's buzz cut. Chris just shakes his head at him and takes another drag of his cigarette.

"It's gonna be good... amazing even..." Kim says and Chris looks at him and smiles.

"It fucking better be," Chris chuckles.

Off Ramp Café, Seattle Washington

"Vodka Cranberry, please," Selena smiles at the waitress as she hands her the menu.  
"Uh... just an orange juice for me..." I say as I hand the menu back to her as well.  
"Orange juice? You stop drinking or something?" Selena says when the waitress walks away.   
"Um... yea... well just for now anyways," I say and take a sip of the glass of water that sat in front of me.  
"Oh... just taking a break from it?" Selena asks as she sips her water in the meantime.  
"No... well yea, in a way," I say and she raises her eyebrow at me. I take another sip of my water and she glances at the ring on my finger.

"Holy shit, you're married?" She asks wide eyed.  
"Um... yea," I say shyly as I set my glass down.  
"Oh my god let me see...?" She smiles and takes my hand to better examine the diamond engagement ring along with the white gold wedding band.  
"How long...? Who is he...?" She asks excitedly.  
"Remember that concert we went to like, 5 years ago, to see that band that you told me about... at The Gorilla Room?"

"Oh yea... Soundgarden, and that guy... the lead singer was like... so amazing, Chris Cornell... he was like hitting on you big time..." Selena smiles and takes a sip.  
"Yea... well, it's him," I say quickly and take a sip of my water.  
"What? You're married to Chris Cornell?" She says nearly spitting out her water.

"Almost 2 years now," I say as the waitress comes back with our drinks.  
"Holy shit..." She says wide eyed and takes a sip of her Vodka Cranberry.  
"Yea... and uh... I stopped drinking because... well, I'm pregnant," I say and she starts coughing. I look at her worriedly and hand her a napkin but she stops as she takes the napkin from me.

"Sorry... I uh... just wasn't expecting you to say that," She says as she dabs her lips and I give her a sheepish look. We then start to giggle as I do realize that may sound overwhelming but... she asked.  
"It's ok," I giggle.  
"Shit... I heard that he got married... like a while ago now, but... I didn't know it was to you," She says taking another sip.  
"Yea... it's me," I giggle.  
"How'd you get married? Was it... um... a big wedding?" She asks.

"No... we got married in Vegas... it was kinda like a spur of the moment thing. We were engaged for a few months at that point but... it was during the video shoot for Jesus Christ Pose. We just went out for dinner, then took a walk down the Vegas Strip, somehow came across a little wedding chapel and then just... did it..."I say as I take a sip of my juice.  
"Really...? Awe..." Selena says and takes a sip.

"What did your mom say?" She asks after a few moments and I suddenly realize just how long I hadn't talked to her. My expression drops a little and I look down at my drink, twirling it between my fingers.  
"Um... my mom... passed away..." I say quietly. Selena's expression drops and she reaches out for my hand again.

"Oh my god, Andi..."She says. She starts to tear up and I look at he and re- assure her that I'm ok. I tell her what happened and how she died as quickly as I could without getting into too much detail. It's still hard to talk about it, which is why I just avoid it all together.

"So... yea... now we just have this little one to focus on for now," I say as I place my hand over my baby bump.  
"Awe... that's amazing... I'm so freaking happy for you... do you know what you're having?" Selena smiles.  
"No not yet... but I think it's a girl,"   
"Awe..." Selena says.  
"But what about you...? How've you been...?" I ask quickly changing the subject to her as I didn't want to hog all of the attention.  
"Oh, well... um... still pretty much the same for me... after we lost touch I moved back home for a bit... just to help out my dad... he got sick there for a little bit but he's ok now... so I moved back here to Seattle and working at the store now, " She says and takes a sip.

"Really...? That's awesome," I smile and take a sip.  
"Yea... but you're life is so much more exciting... like oh my god," She says.  
"Uh ok," I giggle.  
"No really.... do you get to travel with him? Do you get to meet other bands?" She asks as she takes a sip.

"Well yea... After I quit working at Lost Loves, I became their P.A so I technically work for Susan Silver Management but only strictly for Soundgarden. I just set up appointments for interviews, set up accommodations, make sure the schedule's running on time, grab anything they need... but it's not like as exciting as it sounds... it's tiring more than anything, but... yea I have met a few bands from travelling with Chris," I say and take a sip.

"See... so much more exciting than my life..." Selena giggles and I giggle with her.

Bad Animal Studios Seattle Washington,

"Ok guys... we can uh... finish up more songs tomorrow... Matt and Ben are going to do some more drum and bass track layering so..." Michael says as Chris and Kim enter the control room.  
"Cool," Kim says and packs up his Gibson Firebird  
"Uh... yea... is it ok if we do that later in the afternoon?" Chris asks as he packs up his Gretch.

" Yea sure... anytime you guys want to..." Michael says as he starts to cue up a new tape on the reel to reel machine.  
"What's going on?" Kim asks.

"Oh... Andi has an ultrasound appointment tomorrow in the morning so... I kinda wanted to go with her," Chris says as he zips up the case to his Gretch.  
"Cool," Kim says as he zips his case up as well.

"Alright see you guys tomorrow," Michael says not even looking at them and turning in his chair to make a phone call. Chris gives him a weird look but Kim motions for them to head out the door so Chris just follows.

"So... gonna see a pic of the baby tomorrow?" Kim says as he lights up a smoke while they make their way to their vehicles.

"Yea... well we sort of had a glimpse the last time but we couldn't tell if it was a boy or a girl, it -she or he... wasn't facing the right way to get a clear view..." Chris says as he lights up a smoke with Kim.  
"Awe that sucks... but hopefully you'll find out tomorrow..." Kim says as they make their way to Kim's car first.  
"Yea... Andi says she thinks it's a girl but..." Chris trails off and puffs his cigarette.  
"What do you think it's going to be?" Kim asks as he sets his guitar in the back seat.  
"Well I'm hoping it's a boy but... I honestly think it's a girl too..." Chris smiles and Kim smiles back.

"Either that or Andi's just said it's a girl so much that now I'm just convinced it's going to be..." Chris says as they both laugh together.  
"Hey... wanna head out for a drink? Or do you have to be home?" Kim asks.  
"No I don't have to be home... a drink sounds good actually," Chris says.  
"Off Ramp Cafe?" Kim asks.  
"Sure," Chris smirks.  
"Alright," Kim says tapping Chris on the shoulder.

Off Ramp Cafe, Seattle Washington

"So how far along are you?" Selena asks me as she sips her Vodka Cranberry.

"Almost 6 months," I say and sip my orange juice.

"Really...? Jeeze you sure don't look it..." Selena says

"My shirts tell me otherwise..." I giggle and she laughs with me.

"What's it like...? Is it weird...?" She asks.

"Um... well yes and no. We tried for a long time and nothing was working so I was afraid I wasn't going to be able to get pregnant at all... then it just happened. So at first I was really sick but that seemed to settle down after I was like 13 weeks or so, but I still didn't even feel the baby, I just felt like my stomach was getting bigger. I still don't really feel anything so it's almost like it's not there... which is weird. But I heard the heart beat..."

"Awe... really?" Selena smiles.

"Yea that was crazy... that made it really sink in,"

"Awe... you thought of any names?" Selena asks.

"Actually no... I have no idea..." I say and take a sip. I hadn't even thought about names at all. I don't know why, it just hadn't even crossed my mind. Just as I take another sip of my juice I quickly glance up and see Chris and Kim walk through the door. Chris immediately spots me and flashes me a smile, his blue eyes gleaming, his army green button up shirt that he always leaves unbuttoned. I swear I'm still not used to seeing him with his head shaved though. I miss those beautiful curls but... hey it's just hair. I still don't know why he did it though. I mean I know he's under a lot of stress with recording the album. I can tell he doesn't get along with Michael all that well, though he doesn't really talk about it, so it may be because of that. I just don't understand why he just decided to do something so drastic. I know it's his hair, but I'm allowed to miss it.

"Hi baby," He says so sweetly as he walks up to me with Kim. Selena looks up and sees Chris place a quick kiss on my lips, her eyes wide as she realizes he's right here in person.

"Hi... um... I don't think you ever met Selena have you?" I ask.

"No... I don't think so..." He says as he slides into the seat beside me.

"Well this is Selena... " I smirk, Selena giggles and Chris smiles sweetly.

"And that's... wait... who are you again?" I joke and Kim squints his eyes at me while Chris laughs.

"Oh, Andi you're so hilarious," Kim says sarcastically.

"I'm Kim," He says and Selena smiles at him.

"Selena,"

"Mind if I sit?" Kim asks so sweetly.

"No, not at all," She smiles and he slides in smoothly beside her.

"I thought you were still doing recording sessions?" I ask as I turn and look at Chris.

"We finished early so we thought we'd come out for a drink," Chris says and I nod taking a sip of my juice.

"Did you get everything you need?" Chris asks as he looks at my shopping bag from Lost Loves.

"So far... I still need to get some more baby stuff but um... I found some really cool shirts that I can fix up..." I say as I open up the bag.

"You went into Lost loves?" Chris asks.

"Yea... and that's how I ran into Selena, So we thought we'd come out for a drink and catch up," I smile at her and she smiles back.

"Cool," Chris smiles and the waitress comes back while Chris orders his usual Jack and Diet Coke and Kim orders a beer. We sit and talk with each other for a little bit more as the guys get to know Selena a bit more. I still can't believe so much time has gone by. Kim seems to be taking a liking to her. I can so tell he's trying his best to flirt.

Oh, Kim.

"Well I think I should be heading out here, I gotta open the store in the morning," Selena says as she stars to get ready.

"Ok... oh here," I say and move out of my seat to stand up as Selena make her way around behind Kim. She embraces me in another hug, this one a little longer and I can feel Chris and Kim look up at us.

"I've missed you Andi..." She says quietly.

"Me too" I say back. She lets go of me and I try not to get emotional again.

"Oh wait... here's my number..." She says as she pulls out a piece of paper and a pen. She quickly scribbles her number on it and hands it to me and I give her mine as well.

"Alright... well, give me a call or whatever and we'll uh... hang out again," She smiles.

"Cool," I smile back and she quickly gives me another hug. After she says her goodbyes to Chris and Kim, she then makes her way out of the Off Ramp and I resume my seat next to Chris as he places a kiss on my temple and moves a little closer to me to rest his arm around the back of my chair.

"So uh... you gonna give me her number or what?" Kim asks slyly raising his eyebrow and takes a sip of his beer while Chris and I laugh.

" You could've asked her yourself," I smirk.

"Yea I know... but... that would take the spontaneity out of it," Kim smirks.


	79. Rock The Casbah

Seattle Washington, August 17 1993

It was the morning of Soundgarden's 10 day tour supporting Neil Young on the east coast. It's the first time that I won't be able to travel with Chris since I'm having a baby. I consulted the doctor before and though he said I should be fine to fly, but I have this strange feeling that I shouldn't. I can't explain it. It's like ever since I got pregnant, I feel things differently. I don't know if you would just call it a gut feeling or intuition or what, but I just think it's best that I stay home. I don't want anything to happen to the baby, no matter how safe flying would be, she's the only thing that matters right now. It's only 10 days anyways.

And yes... it's a girl. I knew it all along. We still can't decide on what to name her though. We were thinking maybe Lillian for her first name, after my grandmother and Catherine for her middle name, after my mother...

As the light glows through the closed curtains of our bedroom, I slowly wake to find Chris laying behind me, his arm draped over me, his hand placed perfectly on my stomach. I stretch a little and I hear him groan a little behind me. I let out a yawn and carefully maneuver myself to lay on my back and close my eyes, listening to the sound of Chris sleeping. After a few moments, I look over at him, admiring his features as he softly sleeps beside me. He takes in a deep breath and furrows his brow slightly but still stays completely asleep, lost in a dream somewhere. After a few moments of me watching him sleep, Chris flutters his eyes open and sees me looking at him.

"Hi," He says so cutley.  
"Hi," I say back, flashing my eyes at him. He looks over at the clock on the table and then looks back at me.  
"You sleep ok?" He asks as he pulls me a little closer.

"Meh..." I say and he smirks. He shifts himself to lay on his back and draws me into him. I rest my head on his smooth bare chest, hearing his heart beat, his chest rising and falling with each breath.

"I wish you could come with me," Chris says softly.

"I know..."

"I wish you could just stay here with me..." I say softly after a few moments.

"I know..."

"Hey... just where do you think you're going?" Chris smirks and raises his eyebrow at me as I climb out of bed, grab his grey plaid shirt from the chair and quickly throw it on to cover myself like I usually do.   
"I'll be back don't worry..." I smirk as I grab a hair tie from the dresser, throw my hair up quickly and as I turn to head into the bathroom, Chris reaches out and playfully tries to grab the bottom of my shirt.

"Hey..." I laugh but I end up moving away quick enough for him to miss me and I head towards the bathroom.  
"Damn it... come back here you," He laughs and I giggle as I head into the bathroom.

"CHRIS!!!!" I yell from the bathroom after a little bit.  
"WHAT!!!!" He yells back.  
"CHRIS COME HERE... HURRY!" I yell. It didn't take long for him to bound into the bathroom, in his black boxers, a look of unbelievable fright on his face. He sees me leaning on the counter, facing away from the mirror holding my stomach, looking down at myself.

"Oh my god baby, what... what?" Chris says panicked.

"She's moving..."

"What...?" Chris asks still panicked but significantly less than before as he walks over to me.  
"She's moving," I giggle as I still look down at my hand on my stomach, afraid that if I move, I'll miss it. Chris looks down and with my other hand I take his and place his hand where I feel her poking me. He stands there with me looking at my stomach and I suddenly feel that weird bubbly feeling, like as if my stomach is a fishbowl and there's a fish fluttering around inside.  
"Did you feel her?" I say excitedly as I look up at him.  
"Holy shit, yea... yea I can feel... her," He smiles at me, his blue eyes gleaming. I start to giggle again as the fluttering continues, feeling almost ticklish. Chris looks down at me and laughs a little with me. I feel bad cause I think I scared him. I was kinda scared myself though. This is the first time I've felt her move in there. I look up into his eyes and for some reason I almost feel like I'm about to cry. God damn these hormones. I can't wait til I return to normal.

Chris leans down to me and presses his lips to mine, his kiss soft and gentle, loving and sweet. The feeling of his lips on mine, gives me shivers all the while I still feel her moving. Just when I think I couldn't feel more loved, it's a moment like this that proves me wrong.

Hamilton Ontario Canada, The Casbah August 26 1993

"Yo Chris... you almost ready?"

"Yea... I just gotta make a call really quick," Chris says to his guitar tech, Steve, while Ben, Matt and Kim all wait to head up on stage. Chris runs to the back stage area just before the dressing rooms and finds a payphone that is mounted to the wall just before the back door, though finding it strange how there isn't one at the front entrance but, oh well. He lifts up the receiver and punches in the number to call Andi back home.

"Hi baby.... yea just about to, how are you...? Yea.... I miss you, it's so weird not having you here... yea I know... I just wanted to check in to make sure you're ok, and hear your voice... yea I know but I can't help it... ok... I'll call when I get to my hotel room... ok... I love you baby... bye baby,"

Chris hangs up the phone and then makes his way back to the stage, lighting up a quick cigarette as he does so.

•••

It was just about 6:30pm and I had just finished talking to Chris as I put away some more baby clothes in the nursery. As soon as we found out we were having a girl, Chris finally painted the room a soft baby pink. The room looked so adorable, with cute stuffies everywhere. It was such a girly room but I loved it.

It was sort of strange being in the house by myself and going to bed by myself. The first 2 days I loved how I could have the whole bed to myself, but now I'm kinda lonely and I miss him. I know it hasn't been that long but still. This is the longest I've been without Chris since before we got married. Well really, since we bought the house. Thankfully, Selena is coming over and I asked her if she could stay the night, just so I didn't feel so lonely, She should be here any minute now.

I'm so glad we were able to catch back up with each other over the last month or so. We're pretty much as close as we ever were before. Almost like no time has passed at all. I can't even remember why we lost touch but it doesn't matter. She's always been my best friend and that will never change. At that moment, I suddenly hear the doorbell.

"There she is..." I say to myself and make my way out of the nursery and down the stairs.

"Hey lovie," Selena greets me with a smile.

"Hey," I smile back and she gives me a hug.

"Andi... you look good," She smiles at me as she walks through the door and I close it behind her.

"Oh god... no I don't," I laugh and look down at myself, adjusting my Sepultura band shirt that I had styled like I usually do. I felt like I was huge but everybody seems to tell me that I'm not much bigger than I was when I hit 6 months. Even the doctor has told me that I'm a little underweight, but assured me that will most likely change once I'm in my 8th month.

"No Andi... you really do," She says sweetly, setting her bag down.

"Awe... thanks," I smile back.

"Um... do you want a drink? A beer or Jack and Coke? I think that's all I have for a drink drink," I say as I head towards the kitchen.

"You sure...? I mean..." Selena trails off as she follows me.

"Yea... just cause I can't drink, doesn't mean you can't" I giggle as I reach the fridge and open it.

"Ok... um... a beer...? " She giggles and I reach and grab her a beer and hand it to her. I then reach in and grab tonic water and orange juice and make myself a "virgin" mimosa. God I can't wait 'til I can drink again.

"So... how are you...? How's the little one in there," Selena smiles at me and takes a sip.

"Uh... she's doing ok from what I can tell... I started having those um... what do you call them... Braxton Hicks..? And that was freaking scary," I say as I take a sip of my drink as we stand at the counter island.

"Really...? What happened... When..?" Selena asks a little worried as she sets her beer down on the counter island.

"It was actually a few days ago... I was here all by myself and It was in the middle of the night and it was this weird twinge... kinda like period cramping but a lot more intense. I thought I was having the baby right then and I was so scared cause I was here all by myself... so like a crazy person I drove myself to the hospital, panicked..."

"What! why didn't you call me?!" Selena exclaimed wide eyed.

"It's ok... I'm ok.... thank god... it's completely normal apparently... but it just scared the shit outta me that no one was here... and I was afraid I was having the baby without Chris here... so I panicked," I say and take a sip.

"Andi... if you're here by yourself, you can always call me... no matter what time... you know that right?" Selena says suddenly taking a serious pleading tone.

"I know.... I know..." I trail off a bit and look down at my drink.

"I didn't even know you could drive," She says after a few moments, taking a sip of her beer.

"I uh... just got my license back in January so... I figured I would need it now, cause I can't keep relying on Chris to drive me everywhere..." I giggle and take a sip of my drink.

"What are you guys going to do when the baby comes...?" She asks.

"What do you mean...?"

"Like... are you going to stay home when he's on tour... or... what...?" She asks trying not to sound awkward.

"Oh, um... well the baby's due at the end of October and Chris doesn't have any shows until after the new album is out, sometime in the spring so... we were thinking of just taking her with us... I'm a little weirded out about the thought of a nanny though... I mean, I'm all for going out on the road with the baby, since she'll be 6 months at that point, but I don't know about having someone else looking after my baby... "

"Yea that would kinda make me feel weird too," Selena says and takes a sip.

"Have you decided on her name yet...?" Selena smiles at me.

"Yea... Lily..." I smile as I think about it.

"Awe... cute..." Selena smiles.

"Her full name will be Lillian, Catherine Cornell.... weird eh?" I smirk and take a sip of my drink.

"Awe... no, not weird... it's sweet..." Selena smiles.

"I was going to, at first, make her first name Catherine after my mom... but I don't like the sound of Cathy as a short name... so I thought of Lily after my gramma and Catherine for her middle name..." I explain as I take a sip.

"Awe... oh my god, now I can't wait to meet her..." Selena says and I giggle.

"Trust me, me either... I'm already tired of carrying her around in there," I giggle and Selena laughs.

•••

"Fuck that was amazing...!" Kim exclaims as they walk through the dressing room door.

"Yea... yea it was," Chris smiles as Kim heads straight for the mini bar and grabs a drink while Chris immediately lights up a cigarette and sit down on the couch. Matt and Ben follow through the door and Matt collapses down on the couch opposite of Chris while Ben heads for the fridge for a beer.

"Beer Chris?" Ben calls.

"Yea," Chris says with the cigarette between his lips as he rests his leg in his knee and re-ties the laces of his Doc Martens. It was extremely weird for him to come off stage and not have Andi greet him with her cute little self like she normally does. God he misses her.

"So... what do you guys wanna do?" Kim asks as he sits down in one of the chairs, the sound of Neil Young's voice muffled but bellowing from the stage.

"I honestly just want to drink this beer and head back to the hotel and call Andi..." Chris says as Ben hands him his beer.

"Really...? Come on Chris... let's hang out... "Matt says.

"What? What's so wrong with just wanting to call her?" Chris chuckles and sips his beer.

"Nothing... just... look I know you miss her, but damn... lets fucking drink or something I don't know..." Matt says and sips his beer.

"Alright well... I guess lets head out to the bar and hang out then?" Chris says awkwardly.

"Well yea... what the hell are we doing in here...? we're missing Neil, fucking Young man," Kim says and Chris looks at him raising his eyebrow.

"Sorry I tried to sound cool but it didn't work..." Kim smirks and Chris laughs. After they all finish their first drinks, they decide to head out to the bar area and hang out with the small audience that they played to and have a few more drinks.


	80. I Stumbled On And All The World Fell Down

Seattle Washington, August 26 1993

"Oh my god... what the fuck?" I laugh as I sit on the floor of the living room while Selena sits on the couch as she drinks her Jack and Coke all the while we listen to Type O Negative blasting through the stereo.

"Yea... but I have to admit... he was so cute on the phone... I can't believe that he asked you for my number though," Selena giggles as she takes a sip.

"Yea... Kim is actually really sweet... he just has this tough sarcastic exterior but he is really such a teddy bear... did he ask you out though?" I say and take a sip of my orange juice and tonic water. Oh god how I wish it was a real mimosa.

"Yea... he did..." She says and takes a sip.  
"Well... what did you say?" I ask.  
"I may have said yes," Selena smirks and takes a sip.  
"Awe... so cool... when?" I ask.  
"He said he'd call me sometime next week when they get back," Selena smiles.  
"Awe... that's fucking awesome," I smile. We sit and hang out for a while longer and before I realize it, it's already after midnight. No wonder I started feeling sleepy.

"Ok well... I think I should probably get some sleep... Chris was supposed to call me but I don't think I can stay awake..." I yawn as I stretch my arms over my head.  
"Awe... ok well... if he calls I can just tell him you went to bed... that's ok," Selena says.

"Ok cool..." I yawn and then try to get myself up off the floor. I keep forgetting how it's difficult sometimes since she's taking up space in my belly but hey... It's not going to stop me from floor sitting. That's just who I am. Selena ends up laughing with me as she helps me up and though I feel a little embarrassed, at least she eases the embarrassment for me though.

"Is it alright if I stay up and watch a movie or something...?" She asks.

"No... not at all... go right ahead...If you uh... need anything else, just let me know... but um... thank you for staying here tonight... I really do appreciate it..." I say as I adjust my Sepultura band shirt.

"Oh lovie... you're welcome," Selena says and I give her the biggest hug and head upstairs for some sleep.

•••

Later on in the night, I was having difficulty sleeping, which I am used to since I've been pregnant but this time was different. I was half asleep and started to feel that weird twinge I had when I went to the hospital and they told me about Braxton Hicks. At first I didn't think anything of it. I rolled over in the bed onto my side, my backside up against the pillows that I had stacked on Chris's side to help me sleep better, and tried to just relax. After a few moments, something seriously felt really wrong at this point. The pain was more intense than I had ever felt in my life and suddenly the bed felt wet. Did I just pee myself? Was the pain so intense that I couldn't even control my bladder? I whimper trying to maintain my breathing as I shift myself in the bed and reach for the lamp on the beside table. I turn the lamp on and feel the pain come back with more force than before.

"Fuck... what... the... fuck...!" I exclaim. I flip the covers off of me and the image of what took place next was enough to make me want to wish that this whole thing never happened. That I could go back to the beginning and change everything.

"Selena...! Oh my god Selena...! Help me Please!" I start to cry.  
"What lovie?! what?!" Selena bounds up the stairs and rushes into the bedroom to see me laying in bed, in Chris's blue plaid shirt, blood everywhere around me. I had never seen so much blood in my life. I had no idea I was even capable of housing so much blood in my body,

"Jeezus... ok... ok... I'm here lovie," Selena says as she rushes over to me.

"Where's Chris's number...?" She says looking in my bedside table.  
"Uh... it's uh... in the little... on the.... table..." I sob as she fumbles through the papers and finally finds it.  
"Are you ok to walk? Can you make it to the car? " She asks.  
"I think so... but... I don't know...I mean... I can't... Oh my god Selena, I'm loosing her..." I cry  
"No, no you're not... Lily is going to be fine... I'm going to call Chris, ok?" She says and at that point everything seemed like a blur, like a really bad nightmare only this one I can't wake up from. 

Seattle Washington, Harborview Medical Center August 27 1993

".... you can see her now..."

I hear the nurse say from outside the room and I open my eyes to see myself in the whitest room I had ever been in, in my life. Am I dreaming? Where Am I? Then everything comes rushing back.

I lost her.

I lost my Lily.

"Baby...?" I hear Chris's voice slightly groggy as he walks into my room. I rub my eyes to rid some of the sleep, since the doctor gave me a sedative to help, and try to sit up a little. As I open my eyes to focus, I look down at myself and feel empty, like there was nothing. As if the little person that was inside me kicking, giving me that fluttery bubbly feeling, had never existed.

Chris sits down beside me in a chair and moves as close as he could get to me, reaching for my hand, lacing his fingers through mine and pressing his lips to the back of my hand. I sat there quietly not knowing what to even say to him. How the hell do I look at him, knowing that I lost our little girl.

Chris reaches up and brushes away a curl that had fallen from my ponytail as I still just sit there avoiding his eyes, looking down at myself, wishing this was all a dream. Chris continues to look at me with those blue eyes that I can't bring myself to look at.

"Andrea..." Chris says softly. I finally bring myself to look at him as the sound of his voice breaks me out of my horrible zombie like daze for just a few moments. I couldn't even say anything. What do you say when you lost the only thing in the world that makes any sense. Chris touches his forehead to mine as I close my eyes and the tears start to fall, streaming down my cheeks like a tap that couldn't be turned off.

Seattle Washington, August 31 1993

They always say that first ride home is the warmest, happiest and so full of love that you don't even know what to do with yourself. The ride that should be full of new little noises from the little bundle of joy that you were waiting for your whole life. The ride that you will remember forever.

No one ever says that there are times where that doesn't happen. No one ever talks about the emptiness, the numbness and the sadness you feel, if you happen to be one of the ones that never gets to hear their first cry, their first laugh, their first little giggle.

Lily had somehow become detached from my uterine wall which caused massive hemorrhaging. They told me it was rare, but not something they haven't seen before. They figure that because it was difficult for me to get pregnant in the first place, the doctors discovered I have endometriosis, which somehow in turn caused my miscarriage. It didn't really make a lot of sense to me since every check up I had showed everything was fine and on schedule. Since I was at the end of my 7th month, I delivered her naturally but she wasn't crying when I did. They tried to get her to breathe but nothing was working. Her lungs weren't developed enough for her to breathe on their own, and because I was a little underweight she was also tiny for a baby as well. They did everything they could to save her but it just wasn't enough.

So here I am, sitting in the passenger seat of the car, as Chris drives us home, staring blankly out the passenger window, barely noticing anyone or anything that we pass by. It's been so long since we've said anything to each other, I don't even remember the last word I even said. What do you say? What do you say when you've lost the only thing that ever mattered?

"Babe...? We're home," Chris says breaking me out of my thoughts for a moment but I still can't bring myself to say anything to him. He gets out of the car and walks around to open the door for me as I slowly take off my seat belt. He helps me out of the car and closes the door but I just head straight up to the front door, leaving him walking behind me. I realize I didn't have my key ready so as I dig in the pocket of my Pantera Hoodie, Chris appears beside me with his keys in hand.

"Here... I got it," He says softly and unlocks the door, letting me go inside first. He closes the door behind me as I make my way over to the couch in our living room and sit down, then slowly lay myself down on my side, grabbing one of the couch pillows, staring at a blank TV screen. I think Chris said something about making something to eat, but I wasn't sure, and I sure as hell didn't feel like eating. After a few moments I hear him in the kitchen and I just needed the noise to stop. I slowly get up off the couch and make my way over to the stairs. I felt so cold and numb and I just didn't know how to comprehend the fact that she wasn't here with me. I reach the top of the stairs and I have no idea what possessed me to walk into the nursery, but it was as almost as if she should be sleeping in her little crib. I walk over to her little changing table where a new pile of onesies sat from when I had just went shopping just last week. It was the cute little yellow onesie that had the cutest little white baby bunny patch on the front. I picked it up from the pile and felt the softness between my hands. As I looked at the little onesie, tracing my fingers over the little bunny patch I find myself standing in the middle of the room, her room. The room that she was supposed to be a little girl in, looking at all the baby things and cute little stuffies and I suddenly wanted to trash it, to burn it, burn everything in my sight. I slide my hand over my stomach, feeling the emptiness of where she once was and I collapse on to the floor, drawing my legs in to sit crosslegged, sobbing uncontrollably as I held her little onesie in my hands.

Chris suddenly appeared at the doorway seeing me sit in the middle of her room sobbing uncontrollably to the point where I couldn't even breathe. He rushes over to me, holds me as we sit on the floor of her room. I couldn't hold it in anymore. I never thought I would ever go through this again in my life. Then without warning, that resentful angry feeling came flooding back and all I wanted to do was hurt something, someone, anyone and I didn't care.

"You! why weren't you there!? why did you have to go!?" I yell at Chris.  
"What?!" He exclaims caught off guard by my reaction.   
"Why do you always have to put work ahead of me?! why do you always have to leave me when I need you!?" I start to push him as he still tries to hold me.   
"Andrea...!? I...!?" He says over me as I still try to push him away.   
"Why did you have to make me want her?!" I say as I now start to hit him in his chest cause he would not let me go.

"Andrea stop!"

"No! No I'm not going to stop until you feel the emptiness and pain that I feel inside!" I scream, my voice breaking as I still try to hit him in the chest. I wanted him to hurt. I wanted him to hurt really bad and though I knew how bad it hurt him too, I didn't care.

"Andrea...!"

"I hate you!" I scream.

"Stop!"

"Get away from me!" I scream.

As I continue to sob uncontrollably, I finally stop hitting him in the chest and just let him hold me. The pain I let spill out all over him didn't help much. I wanted her back. I wanted my little Lily back.


	81. I'm The Shape Of The Hole Inside Your Heart

Seattle Washington, March 8 1994

"Fuck, where the fuck is my.... " Chris trails off standing in his black baggy shorts and his calf high Doc Martens while he rummages through his dresser, looking for his "Thrasher" skate shirt, the one with the skull on the front.

"Andi...?" He calls.

"Yea...?" I say as I come out of our bathroom and turn off the light.

"Do you know where my Thrasher shirt is?" He says still looking through the drawer.

"Yea..." I say and walk over to the pile of freshly laundered clothes that sat on top of our bed and pull out his shirt.

"Thanks," He half smiles at me and I make my way over to my side of the room to finish getting ready myself.

Soundgarden was having a record release party for their new album, Superunknown, which released today and entered in on the billboard charts at number one. It was a huge first for Chris and the guys since that has never happened before with their previous albums. I am so proud of him, it's beyond words. The party was taking place at The Off Ramp Cafe and everyone was going to be there. Even Susan Silver, their manager, was going to be there. Chris and the guys worked hard on it, which is not to say they didn't with their previous records but this one took a while to record, for obvious reasons. One of them being that they were getting to know a new producer which took time for Chris especially to warm up and get to know Michael, the latter being... well...

It's been... how do I explain it? Weird, between Chris and I. For one thing, we haven't talked about what happened since the day he drove me home from the hospital and I had my breakdown. I mean I know it's hard for him and what I said to him that day most likely didn't help, so we just haven't said anything to each other about it.

But, it's not the same as it was before. We're not the same as before. Everything has changed. In one moment we went from being so in love to the point where we couldn't keep our hands off of each other, to just two people passing each other in the hallway of our house, who don't as much as say anything at all. And the stupid thing is, is that neither one of us is saying anything about it.

But that's what happens when you loose a child. The pain never really goes away, you just have to learn to live with it. The thing is, how do you go on with each other knowing that you can't make anything better for either of you? No matter how hard you try.

For weeks and weeks I didn't leave our bedroom or the bed for that matter. I can't remember since the days seemed to blend all together, but the only time I got up was to use the washroom and shower, if I happened to feel like showering. What made it even worse was that Chris started to hang out with the band even more so than he ever had before, and obviously he would sometimes just stay out as late as he could, but not long enough to make me worry. I know he would never cheat on me, he's not that type of guy. But it made me worry some nights, though he was just drinking with the guys.

I can't say that I blame him. I wouldn't want to be around me either in that state. I just knew that I didn't care about anything anymore and I just wanted to be alone, tucked away in a bottomless pit and never come out.

I'm still walking around with a hole in my heart that's always going to be there, I just have to learn to live with it. As hard as it is, I have to move on. I had to do it when I lost my mother, so I can do the same even though I lost my baby. Her room is still the same. I haven't walked into that room since the day I came home from the hospital without her. The door remains closed and it will stay that way until I'm ready, but right now I'm not.

As for Chris... I don't know how to get back to him. Deep down I think I still resent him for leaving me when he went on tour and for basically avoiding the fact I was going through such deep depression. It's not his fault, but I think I expected him to be there for me even though he was just as devastated about loosing Lily. I'm not making excuses for him, It's just so fucking complicated that we would rather avoid each other than talk about it.

I finish putting my hair up like I usually do, letting some stray curls fall, adjust my favorite Pantera Shirt and slap on my silver studded wrist cuff. I check myself one more time in the full length mirror and then without saying anything to Chris, I make my way out of the bedroom as he quickly glances at me, smoothing his short curls back with his hair gel. 

"Why you in such a hurry...?" Chris asks when I make my way down the stairs and head to the door to grab my leather jacket.  
"I thought we had to get to the Off Ramp?" I say as I put my jacket on.  
"I wanted to have a drink first though," Chris says as he walks up to me.  
"You already have a drink in your hand," I point out to him.  
"Well yea but I was going to have another one," Chris says taking the last sip of his Jack and Diet Coke. I didn't even know he was drinking already. I give him a weird look as he swallows the last of his drink.

"What...?" He asks.

"Nothing... nothing..." I trail off. He shrugs and heads into the kitchen to make himself another drink. I sigh and take my jacket back off and head into the kitchen. Maybe having a drink will take the edge off a bit. I reach the fridge and take out a coke and make myself a drink. As I turn away from the counter and lean against the counter island, I see Chris over by the sliding doors to our back yard sipping his drink and looking outside.

"Do you think we should open up the pool again this year?" He says and takes a sip.

"Why not...?" I ask, a little confused by that question.

"I don't know... I just thought because we'll be touring all summer, and no one will really be here... is there a point to even open up the pool at all?" He says and takes a sip still looking out the sliding glass doors.

"I guess not..." I say quietly and take a sip of my drink. I look at him as he looks out the glass doors, silently admiring how tall he is, with his short curled slick back hair, his perfectly trimmed beard and those blue eyes that I miss getting lost in, and my heart started to flutter like it used to. It had been so, so long since we made love, months even. Either I'm really lonely or it's just my drink that's making me feel this way. I almost don't even remember what it feels like to be touched by him.

Every night I go to bed alone, way before Chris does cause he is either out drinking or too busy in the studio downstairs to realize I'm already in bed. Then usually when he finally makes it to bed, I'm already sleeping or he's too drunk to do anything and I end up just laying there while he fumbles around in the dark trying to hide the fact he's too drunk and crawls in beside me as if I won't notice.

I slowly look back down at my glass twirling it between my fingers on the counter island and take one more sip. Chris quickly downs the rest of his drink and walks over to me to put his glass in the sink.

"You ready?" He asks as he passes me and heads towards the kitchen doorway. I look up and watch him as he heads to the front door, slipping on his leather jacket.

"Yea..." I quietly trail off and set my glass back on the counter by the sink and make my way to the door.

...

We take a cab and arrive at The Off Ramp Cafe, and as soon as we walk in, there were already so many people there. I see Kim and Ben standing at the bar, Matt, who was talking to some people I haven't seen before, there was also Jeff and Stone and a few others and of course Susan Silver who was talking to Kim. Chris immediately reaches for my hand and laces his fingers through mine. I look down as he does so, catching me off guard a little bit as this is the first time he's held my hand in such a long time. But, of course, this is the first time we've been out in public together since... before....

"Chris," Kim nods at him when we reach the bar. Susan then turns and sees us and flashes her sweet smile at Chris. Now Susan and I have been on ok terms with each other since she appointed me as Soundgardens P.A. She hasn't always been that great with me but she and I seem to have an understanding of each other.

"Hey Chris," She smiles sweetly at him. He lets go of my hand and she moves in to give him a quick hug.

"Hey," He smiles at her.

"Andi..."Kim turns to me and gives me a half smile.

"Hey," I say shyly.

Kim leans in and gives me a big hug and holds me for a few moments. Just as soon as I felt like I was going to break down, he lets go of me.

"I'm so glad you came out," He says and takes a sip of his beer.

"Really...?" I say.

"Well yea... cause now I know Selena's on her way," Kim smirks and takes a sip.

"Very funny,"I smirk back and tap him playfully on his chest.

"You want a drink?" Kim asks me.

"Uh... yea sure," I say and somehow Kim was able to get me a drink in no time and hands it to me.

"So you asked Selena to come?" I say and take a sip of my Jack and Coke.  
"Yea she said she would be here by now," Kim says.  
"Awe... so, you two are getting serious then?" I ask.  
"Yea..."Kim smiles shyly at me. Kim is so sweet.

"Hi Andi...." Susan says to me and moves closer to give me a quick hug which sort of caught me off guard.

"Chris... um... told me what happened and I want to just say how sorry I am," Susan says after she pulls away from me.  
"He told you?" I say confused and slightly hurt at the same time. I mean I know everyone knew we were having a baby but I didn't think that Susan knew.

"Are you ok...? I mean... I'm sorry that's probably a stupid question," She says. I honestly didn't know what to say. I'm not ok, I'll never be ok. I don't even remember what 'ok' is like.

"Um - "

"Hey lovie," I hear Selena's voice from behind me and I turn around and see her smile which made the awkwardness melt away just a little.

"Hey," I sigh in relief and she embraces me in a long hug. I almost don't want her to let me go. Ever since that night, her and I have become closer than ever before, and that's saying a lot since we've known each other since the 4th grade and she ended up following me to Seattle all those years ago.

"Hey you," Kim says as he sees her.

"Hey," She smiles back at him when we break from our embrace and she moves over to him and he places a quick kiss on her lips. Oh my god, so freaking cute! My heart just melted at that.

After seeing Kim with Selena, it made me miss Chris so much. No one seems to notice that him and I are not exactly how we used to be and I don't know if that is a good thing or not. I turn to see Chris drinking at the bar, still talking to Susan. I take a sip of my drink and see her laughing as he seems to be his usual shy, but charming self.

Once again I should mention, I am not a jealous person what so ever. I've been with Chris long enough to know that he would never do anything to hurt me. I've been with him through every show, meet and greet, festivals, groupies who try to throw themselves at him and crazy parties. Just touring with Guns N' Roses alone was a spectacle all on it's own and he never once made me feel that he would ever stray. No matter who was in the room, he always had eyes for me.

As I watch him with Susan for those few moments, I start to feel... well... jealous. He used to make me laugh like that, but for the first time I didn't want to interrupt them.

...

"Hey... I can walk on my own, you don't have to carry me," Chris slurs as Kim helps him out of the car.

"I'm not so sure Chris..." Kim says as he puts his arm around him to help steady him.

"Fuck that! I can walk," Chris slurs. Kim gives me a look as I climb out of the backseat of Kim's car and close the door. Chris then attempts to walk up to our front door but stumbles and Kim catches him.

"See... I can walk perfectly fine," Chris laughs his drunken laugh.

"Sure you can buddy..." Kim says and helps him to the front door.

"Is he going to be ok?" Selena says when she gets out of the passenger side of Kim's car and stands with me.

"Oh yea, he'll be fine... he's just... um... well..." I try to explain but I really didn't want to get into it. Selena looks at me and gives me a half smile and I somehow wonder if she knows even though I haven't said anything.

"Ok..." She says softly as I look down at myself.

"You call me if you need anything ok lovie?" She says.

"Ok," I try to smile as I look up at her, she gives me just a quick hug and I make my way to the front door as she gets back in the car. I walk in through the door way and see Kim trying to balance Chris as he helps him sit down on the couch.

"Hey! where you going? Stay and have a drink!" Chris slurs as Kim starts to walk away.

"Sorry Chris... I gotta take Selena home..." Kim says as Chris turns on the couch to try to face him.

"Awe really... well fuck... ok... well more for me then!" Chris laughs and Kim raises his eyebrow at me. I look up at Kim and smile shyly.

"Call me if he gets too much for you ok?" Kim says quietly to me as he moves in to give me a hug.

"It's ok, He should be fine once I get some water into him," I say when he breaks away from me.

"Alright... bye Chris," Kim calls and Chris waves at him drunkenly as he heads out the door. I sigh and take off my jacket, hanging it up by the door as Chris slumps into the couch, leaning his head on the arm rest. I walk into the kitchen and grab a glass out of the cupboard, fill it up with cold tap water and walk back over to where he sat on the couch and held out the glass of water for him. Chris didn't even notice as he sat there half laying down, his head still resting on the arm of the couch in a slumped over position.

"Chris... here," I say holding out the glass of water for him.

"Mmmm...?" He mumbles.

"Chris, here, drink some water" I say still holding the glass out to him.

"I'm fine... I don't need any water..." Chris slurs and sits up.

"You'll have a nasty hangover if you don't... just drink some water," I say.

"No... but I'll have another drink though," Chris smirks and stands up, a little wobbly but he eventually stables himself.

"Chris..." I sigh as he makes his way to the kitchen, stumbling a little as he does so. I set the glass down on the coffee table and follow him into the kitchen. As I reach the kitchen doorway, I see him take out the bottle of Jack Daniels and instead of making himself a drink, he unscrews the cap and takes a sip straight from the bottle.

Now, I'm not one to stop anyone, I sure as hell have no business telling someone what to do, especially drinking, as I am just as guilty for falling into that pit myself, but watching him do this tonight and every other night for the last 5 months is heartbreaking.

"Chris...?"

"Have a drink with me baby," He says as he sloppily pulls out a glass for me, opens the freezer, grabs some ice, puts it in the glass, and pours the Jack over ice.

"No, Chris I don't want a drink," I say as I walk over to him.

"C'mon babe... just one...? You used to drink with me all the time... you'd be so cute when you were drunk, laughing and being silly... when I used to make you laugh... "

"Chris..."

"Remember that night down at the park with Jeff and Stone...? They all crashed out early and it was just me and you by the fire... and I was singing you the silliest songs that made you laugh so hard you cried..." He trails off as he turns and faces me then glances down at the bottle of Jack in his hand while I stand in front of him.

"...and I remember... you getting up from the log we were sitting on... and you were so incredibly sexy taking off pieces of your clothes... one by one... and I chased you into the water... and you laughed... as we played in the water.... and I sang you that song, the... um.... what was it...?"

"Brown Eyed Girl," I say softly.  
"Yea...! Yea... and we were standing there soaking wet... in the middle of the lake... under that full fucking moon... and then we made love... like fucking animals in the back of my truck... all fucking night, " He smirks as he still looks at the bottle of Jack in his hand resting it against his hip.

"Chris..." I say quietly. He continues to look at the bottle, tracing the label with his thumb. We stand in silence as I look at him avoiding my gaze, wishing he would just look at me, just once, so I could see those blue eyes that I love so much. A few more moments of silence tick by and he takes another drink from the bottle, sets the bottle down on the counter and then walks passed me, wobbly but maintaining himself and heads out of the kitchen.

I wanted to stop him. I wanted to turn around and scream at him but all I did was just stand there staring at the half empty bottle of Jack that sat beside the drink that he poured me.


	82. Bowling For Negative?

Seattle Washington, March 11 1994

"Chris... come on... you gotta get up," I say as I stand in front of the full length mirror and pull on my Type O Negative shirt. It was after noon and Chris still hadn't gotten up yet.

"Fuck..." Chris groans and puts the pillow over his head. I adjust my shirt to make sure it looked good with my black ripped leggings and my Doc Marten's. I turn back to look at him as I throw my hair up in a messy bun and he still doesn't move. He's hungover. He was out late last night with Kim and they came back here and were messing around in the studio, which is fine, just that... I told him that he was doing a MTV Headbanger's Ball special today down at the bowling alley with Rikki Rachtman but apparently that slipped his mind... or he just didn't bother to listen to me.

Selena got us tickets to see Type O Negative play tonight at the Fenix Underground. I really wanted Chris to come with me but he had to do this Headbanger's ball special. I thought maybe if we could just forget about everything for a couple of hours, maybe we could have some fun? But it's ok, going with Selena will be just as much fun. 

I sigh and make my way downstairs and head into the kitchen to pull out a glass and pour him some ice cold water, then I head back upstairs and set the water down on the table beside him. He lifts the pillow for a moment to see me set the glass down and walk back over to the mirror to finish getting ready.

"What time is it?" Chris moans groggily.

"1:00" I say adjusting my bra underneath my shirt but it wasn't fitting right so I decided to just go braless and I take it off from underneath my shirt and drop it on the chair beside the mirror.

"What time do I have to be there?" He says as he slowly sits up, his hair all messy and crazy, which was kind of cute.

"Around 6:00" I say as he takes a long drink of his water. He slowly gets up out of bed and makes his way into the bathroom and closes the door. I couldn't help but feel like I just wanted to hold him and have him hold me and for us to tell each other everything is going to be ok. But, instead I finish my make up and make my way downstairs.

West Seattle Bowl, March 11 1994

"Hey fucker... long time no see," Kim jokes as we walk into the bowling alley.

"Yea right," Chris laughs. Kim immediately hands him a beer and turns to see me.

"Hey Andi... " Kim smiles and gives me a hug.

"Hey," I smile shyly when he lets go of me. Matt and Ben we already over at one of the lanes with Rikki and just one camera guy which was actually pretty cool. It looked like it was going to be pretty chill. There weren't a lot of people here at the bowling alley either, especially for a Saturday.

"Um... I going to go and wait for Selena at the bar while you guys... do your thing," I say

"Andi... come on, hang out with us..." Kim says.

"Nah, it's ok... I don't want to get in the way," I say.

"Babe, you won't be in the way..." Chris says sweetly and takes a sip of his beer. I look up at Chris and god he looked so good. His hair was spikey but messy at the same time, he was wearing my favorite cologne of his, so fresh and clean, his eyes sparkled their blue hue and his neatly trimmed beard just made me want to touch it. Fuck I miss him so much and here is standing right in front of me and all I want is for him to... to -

"No It's alright... I'll uh... just be at the bar," I say and I turn away from him as he watches me walk away from him.

"You guys alright?" Kim asks.

"Yea, yea we're fine," Chris lies.

"It's not because of us last night is it?" Kim asks.

"No, just... I don't want to talk about it... let's uh... do this thing,"

"Bowl?" Kim smirks.

"Yea that," Chris chuckles, and they head over to the bowling lane.

•

"...What do you look for in a bowling ball?" Rikki asks Chris as they stand by the ball rack.

"...I look for a ball with really big holes..." Chris smirks

"We got some balls right over here-

"Yea these, these are sexy... I like a ball like this one... this one is sexy... it's silver and marbly... " Chris says as he immediately picks up the one at the bottom of the rack and Rikki just starts to laugh.

"But it looks like the holes are a bit too small," Rikki says in a British accent.

"Yea... so I'm gonna say...screw this cause I don't like it," Chris says and quickly puts the ball back.

"So what do you look for in balls?" Rikki says pointing the mic at Kim.

"Black balls... big black balls... with ducks,"

"Now do you prefer the lighter balls?" Rikki says.

"Depends on how often I drain them," Kim smirks to the camera and Rikki laughs.

•

I sit up at the bar in the bowling alley sipping my Jack and Coke while I wait for Selena to meet me. She wanted to see Kim before we head over to the arena and so we figured we would just meet here. I glance over at the bowling lanes and see Kim and Matt taking shots while Chris was over with Rikki and the camera guy being silly.

"Hey lovie," Selena smiles when she walks up to me.

"Hey!" I smile excited back and hop off my stool and give her a hug. It's only been a few days but damn I missed her.

"Wow... you look good!" She says when she pulls away from me.

"Awe... thanks... you do to!" I say looking her over.

"Thanks... I tried that scissor trick with my shirt that you showed me but... I think yours always turn out better," She says as she turns around to show her Type O Negative shirt to me.

"Oh ok..." I say sarcastically and take a sip of my drink and she laughs. She orders a drink from the bartender and then we hop back up on our stools.

"So are they uh... still doing that Headbanger's ball thing?" Selena says as she looks over towards the bowling lanes.

"Yea... " I say and glance over to see Chris still with Rikki and Kim gives Selena such a cute wave and she waves back.

"You ok?" She asks as she takes a sip of her drink.

"Me...? Yea... yea I'm so fucking excited for tonight!" I say as I turn back to her after watching Chris and Kim with Rikki, laughing and bowling.

"Oh fuck me too!... But um... I mean... I know you're not ok, ok... but are you..." She trails off trying to find the words to explain herself.

"You mean Chris and I?" I say and take a sip.

"Yea..."She says. I sit there twirling the glass in my hand for a few moments and really think about what I should say.

"Um... honestly... I really don't fucking know anymore," I exhale and take a sip of my drink and Selena looks at me with those eyes that I had gotten used to seeing from everyone else when they found out we lost the baby.

"But... I don't want to talk about it right now..." I say and take another sip.

"Ok..." She gives me a half smile and I look away and down at my drink.

"You know you can always tell me anything... if you need to talk and you feel like you can't talk to Chris right?" She says.

"Yea... yea I know... but that's the thing... we need to talk... but I just don't know how to without making him upset or him making me upset..." I say looking at my drink. Even though I said I didn't want to talk about it, I end up talking about it anyways of course.

"Awe... Andi..." She says rubbing my arm as I try really hard not to get upset.

"So... Type O tonight whoo hoo!" I exclaim, raising my arm in the air, quickly changing the subject cause I don't want to start crying in the middle of a bowling alley.

"Fucking right!" Selena smiles excitedly and we both take a drink.

•

"...how bout..." Rikki trails off trying to think of what to bet with Chris as Chris snatches the 20 dollar bill out of his hand.

"...about 20 dollars...next guy that gets a strike," Rikki says

"A strike? For the next guy?" Chris asks him questionably.

"Which ever one gets a strike first between between me and you... gets the money,"

"Well why don't we just bowl at the same time?" Chris asks.

"Ok you bowl one and I bowl one and whoever gets the most throws... or pins knocked... gets the money...No wait... in two throws whoever gets the most pins, gets the money," Rikki says.

"Ok..ok," Chris says and they walk up to the lane to grab their bowling balls

"You know I'm actually just going to go and pay Kim to hit him in the kneecaps with a lead pipe right?" Rikki jokes to the camera man and Chris mocks him from behind him.

•

"What in the hell is Chris doing?" Selena says I turn and look towards the lanes and see Chris running down the lane, sliding on his butt and knocking down the pins. Ok What the fuck? He's so weird.

•

"Ok...ok... cheater... cheater!" Rikki calls out and Chris laughs as he runs back up the lane.

"Now... we saw your wife... she's here too right? Oh wait... yea we see her up at the bar," Rikki says.

"Uh yea..."

"Is she much of a bowler...? Do you ever take her bowling with you or... is this a thing you guys do regularly...? You know... we all want to know," Rikki jokes.

"Well... she can pretty much kick my ass at a lot of things... bowling - "

"Is it because of the balls?" Rikki jokes and Chris chuckles and shakes his head at him.

"You know, you're going to get me in trouble..." Chris smirks and Rikki laughs.

"Well that's the whole point right?" Rikki jokes and Chris smirks.

"I'm kidding, I'm kidding," Rikki laughs as he taps him on the shoulder and Chris laughs.

"Anyways...let's leave the subject of bowling for just a bit... and talk a little bit about... Soundgarden..."

"Why not...?" Chris smirks.

"Yes why not...? and interesting subject... now you guys are heading to Europe so you guys are probably not playing out here 'til when?" Rikki asks.

"Uh probably not 'til the summer actually..."

"And do you know what bands you'll be taking out with you?" Rikki asks.

"No,"

"No idea...? Anybody that you have been listening too? As far as ... well you like?" Rikki asks.

"Well, there's The Meat Puppets... we might bring them out... I mean and I don't wanna make them feel bad or anything but I've been listening to them since I was like..." Chris trails off

"No a lot of people I've been talking to... people that are into all different types of music or whatever and from what they've heard of the Soundgarden record and... I hate giving compliments in front of people... cause it sounds like I'm just like..." Rikki trails off and makes a weird gesture so Chris covers his eyes.

"...but uh... it's really good and a lot of people are really into it... does it seem like the expectations of this record are pretty good...?" Rikki looks at Chris but Chris still has his eyes covered, so Rikki pulls at his arm for Chris to look at him.

"...what?" Chris smiles and Rikki laughs.

"I said the expectations for this record are pretty high, do you feel good about it?"

"oh yea..."

"I mean does it feel any different for the release of this one, as opposed to Badmotorfinger?" Rikki asks.

"It's like a little bit better, I don't why I mean, maybe because the expectations were so high and everyone's saying... well.. you did it... kinda thing... I don't know"

"looking back on it now are there any changes that you wish you would've made... or?" Rikki asks.

" On this record..? No,"

"Did that happen with any of the other records?"

"Not really... I'm pretty good at taking the record an going ok... that was it, we did it, we made that... you know... that's the best you can do...I mean... I don't listen to the record and think back 'well god if we only turned up this instrument' or 'if only someone played that better'... the records I've always loved were just bands that just jammed and they wrote... and went in when they had time to record you know? I mean and that's what you get..."

" Yea... like the great punk records that I listened to were like... recorded in a day or something, like a 500 dollar budget and now people spend like thousands and thousands of dollars just to make a record sound really... crappy..." Rikki says.

"Well yea... there's no guarantee that if you spend a quarter of a million dollars on a record that it's gonna sound better than if you spent 500 bucks..."

"Now, who did the production on this record?" Rikki asks.

"Michael Beinhorn"

"Different from last...?"

"Very..." Chris emphasizes.

"What are some of the main differences...? I mean I can hear 'em - "

"Well we got along with the last producer...that's the main difference,"

"You didn't with this one?" Rikki chuckles.

"We didn't but in a good way... you know it was kinda like... he would push us as far as he could... and there would be fighting... and then we would kind like... meet half way and that was really good,"

"Did you ever get into the instance where the producer has a completely different vision for a song than you do...?" Rikki asks.

"Not really, not completely different, no..." Chris says.

"Did the songs ever completely change in the studio from when you originally wrote them?"Rikki asks.

"No... actually... in fact they changed less on this record than they did on previous records, we kinda shot for the original idea of the song and tried really hard to make that happen.. and it did"

"Well... the new Soundgarden is uh... I guess out in your stores now..? Go out and buy it... and look for them sometime... summer-ish?"

"Summer- ish... and remember that MTV wins money from you.." Chris smirks

"And he would take it if I lost ok...? ....In Seattle with Soundgarden -

"-by the way... this is mine now..." Chris takes the MTV cube logo off the microphone.

"I took your money so you can take the cube... a fair deal and yes ladies and gentleman, I did keep Chris Cornell's money... don't worry makes tons of it, it's ok" Rikki says.

"Hey I got the first strike... he was copying me," Chris smirks.

"Hustling! Hustling...."

•

"Hey sweetie," Kim says as he walks up to Selena while Rikki talks to Chris by the bowling lane.

"Hey," She smiles and he places a quick kiss on her lips. I grin feeling a little awkward but they are so freaking cute together.

"So Andi... Rikki was asking about you while Chris and him were doing their... whatever they were doing..."Kim says and orders another beer.

"What really?" I say a little nervously.

" Yea... it was funny though... Rikki basically hinting that you bust Chris's balls... or something..." Kim says and Selena looks at me wide eyed.

"What?" Now I'm feeling embarrassed.

"No not like that... like a joke... you don't really... Chris said something about you kicking his ass at things... and then Rikki said it had to do with balls... or something..." Kim tries to explain but he wasn't doing a very good job.

"Uh, huh," I say skeptically and take a sip of my drink.

•

"....ahhhh it's back...! "Rikki laughs as Chris jumps around behind him making silly, goofy faces.

"You know... obviously they're having a terrible time off the road while they wait to go and play some shows.... "

"He doesn't like to be touched..." Chris says still jumping around behind him.

"Hey hey! Wait... I gotta... wait let me ask you this one question...?"

"What?" Chris says.

"Do you get the most annoying question I've ever been asked, do you get the same question - "

"What are your influences?-"

"No, no, no what the worst question you've been asked in the last year that I've been getting for a year and a half?" Rikki asks.

"You know the one it's it like how... how come he looks so much like Eddie Munster?" Chris smirks the biggest smirk and Rikki just looks at the camera.

"No that wasn't it... well they ask that to me but no," Rikki looks at Chris and Chris looked a little confused that Rikki didn't catch the joke.

"Yea... it's wha-...why'd, why'd he cut his hair?" Chris looks at the camera and points to Rikki.

"I hate that! ... do you get asked that question?" Rikki cringes.

"Yea, you know I do,"

"It's the most annoying question in the world... listen... don't ask ok?"Rikki says to the camera and then gets distracted by Kim for a moment.

"Well that's about it hanging out on the Headbangers Ball with Soundgarden... and I was going to say nice stuff about the record but I can't say nice stuff when Chris is like... bouncing around... poking around behind m-" Rikki says but is cut off by Chris being weird.

"He doesn't like to be touched!" Chris pokes in front of the camera.

"Stop touching me! Stop touching me! What is he doing behind my back....?" Rikki asks as Chris still bounces and pokes about behind him.

"Well that it for the headbangers ball... we will be hanging out with a different kind of animal... not too different from Chris Cornell... we'll be hanging out at the San Diego Zoo... You ever been to the San Diego Zoo?" Rikki asks Chris as he still pokes about.

"I've only been there once and it was depressing," Chris says quickly when he stops bouncing.

"Well it's going to be happy next Saturday - "

"Why who's it with?" Chris asks.

"Just the animals-"

"That's it?" Chris asks.

"Yea..." Rikki smirks and Chris smirks back.

"When we tape shows at the zoo, the viewers don't know the difference between the band members and the animals," Rikki jokes.

"What you run out of bands or something?" Chris laughs.

" No, we just show the similarities between some band members and the animals cause you can't quite tell the difference..." Rikki smirks.

"Ow... that hurts..." Chris says as Rikki 'burns' him with his joke.

"Record's out... go buy it... see you next Saturday on the Headbanger's Ball," Rikki says and the camera man cuts the video.

Fenix Underground, March 11 1994

"Oh my fucking god I am so excited!" I say as Selena and I stand at the front of the stage.  
"Fuck I know right...? You stay here... I'll go get us drinks..." She says. I nod and she heads off towards the bar. After a little bit she still hadn't come back yet. So I guess she is still waiting in line or something. Suddenly the lights go down a bit and Peter, Kenny, Josh and Johnny all walk out on stage.

"Holy shit... Selena where are you?" I say to myself and then Peter started talking.

"Hey uh all you people out there... we're Type O Negative... hope you're feeling a little less miserable now that we're here... " Peter says in his extremely deep Brooklyn accent and went right into Too Late : Frozen.

"So you've come to say you're very sorry  
It won't happen again - forgive me ?  
Time will not heal these wounds  
And I'm bleeding because of you"

As I watched Peter then Kenny playing his amazing solo, all I felt I could do was stand there and miss my husband.

•••

".... So we're gonna play a couple of new ones for you, I hope that's alright," Peter says and the crowd cheers.

I scan the crowd to try and find Selena but she was nowhere to be found. Where the hell did she go? I ended up making my way to the bar earlier and grabbed a couple of drinks for myself cause she didn't come back.

"Be my druidess  
Be my everything  
Be my druidess   
Be mine....

Around the pyre, A circle of thirteen  
Throughout these woods, ecstatic screams  
I look deeply into your eyes

I smell your hair, caress your thighs  
Now we'll make love by fire light  
A blaze so high it lights the night"

I suddenly start to hate the fact that I'm all by myself. I can't even fucking enjoy Type O cause I can't stop feeling bad that Chris isn't here with me. And it doesn't fucking help that this song is really making me think of him.

"Be my druidess  
Be my everything  
Be my druidess   
Be mine....

Long fingernails dug in my skin  
Yourself so wet invites me in  
Our lust increased feeds desire

As we combust, yeah we on fire  
I feel you shake so deep inside  
Ooh scream my name and squeeze me tight

Selena still hadn't come back yet but all I wanted to do was go back home to Chris. I don't want it to be like this anymore.

I turn from the stage and make my way through the crowd and on my way out I see Selena still trying to get our drinks.

"I'm sorry... I got to go," I say when I walk up to her.

"Why? What happened?" Selena says with a concerned look on her face.

"Nothing... I uh... I just can't be here... I need to go home..." I say.

"Do you need me to go with you?" She asks.

"No, no... stay and have fun... I just... I can't..." I say.

"Are you sure? I can drive you back home if you need me to," She asks.

"No, no I'm ok walking, I'll be fine," I re-assure her.

"Ok..." She says and still looks at me concerned but I didn't want to explain why. I just needed to get out of here.

"I'll do anything... to make you cum" Peter sings as I turn and head out of the Fenix.

Seattle Washington, March 11 1994

I make my way out of the Fenix and head down the sidewalk. I have so many conflicting emotions happening inside me that I can't even let go and watch one of my favourite bands. I hate this. I hate the fact that Chris and I are going through this. I hate that we're loosing each other and I have no idea what to do to stop it. The immense pain I feel inside for having lost our baby... our Lily... is pulling me apart inside. I don't even feel like me anymore. Whatever 'me' felt like. I honestly don't even know if we can come back from this.

•••

A short while later I find myself on our street walking up to the front door of our beautiful home. I quickly find my keys and open the door quickly, step through and practically slam the door behind me.

Chris, who was on the couch flipping through some channels on the T.V, jumps at the sound of me slamming the door. He turns back to look at me as I stand there for a moment not knowing what to do.

"Hi... baby-"

"Why aren't we the same anymore?" I cut him off.

"What..?" Chris looks at me confused.

"Why are we like this...? Why won't you talk to me...? Why aren't we saying anything to each other...?" I say desperately.

"Andi... What's going on?" Chris asks confused and get up from the couch.

"Really...? That's what you ask me...? What's going on...? Where the hell have you been the last 6 months...?" I say almost shocked at the fact that he asked me that.

"Baby - "

"Don't call me baby," I say as he walks up to me.

"Love..." Chris says still confused.

"Don't call me that either," I say.

"Well what am I supposed to call you then?" Chris asks as he moves closer to me

"Nothing... don't call me anything... you've been ignoring me for this long so why start to pay attention to what I want now," I say.

"Andrea - "

" I couldn't even have fun tonight. The whole fucking time I was right in front of Type O, and all I could think of was how we were falling apart. One of my favorite bands was right in front of my face and all I could think of was all the hurt and pain and sadness that has happened between us, " I say shakily looking up at him. I can feel tears bubbling up behind my eyes but I don't want to let them flow.

"So, It's also my fault that you can't go out on your own? You're going to blame me for that too?" Chris says looking hurt and angered at the same time.

"Blame you...?" I ask confused.

"I left you remember...? I always put work before you and I'm the one that made you want... her..." Chris chokes with anger as he stands so close to me. His blue eyes filled with so much hurt and pain.

"Chri-"

"'Cause I could never feel the same pain and emptiness inside that you felt when you lost her, 'cause you were the only one who lost her... not me... right?" Chris says shakily. He pounds his chest emphasizing his feelings of hurt and pain, his eyes welling up with tears. I had forgotten that day for so long, but I remember the things I said to him when we came home and I went into her room.

"Chris... I didn't mean... " I trail off trying really hard not to cry.

"Yea you did... you meant it and you know you did... and I get it... I really do... I just didn't ever think that you hated me... after everything we've been through... to hear you say that to me... well... You wanted to hurt me, and you sure as hell did,"

We stand there looking at each other for what felt like forever. Us both trying to finally get our feelings out only it wasn't working the way I hoped. All I wanted to do was just scream at him.

"Ok yea... yea I did want to hurt you... I wanted you to feel that... but for all those months when I couldn't even get outta bed... I couldn't eat and I couldn't sleep... you thought it would be better if you just... weren't here at all... Just ignore it and it will go away... Andrea's going to be fine... it wasn't like we tried to have a baby for half a year... just have another drink and bury it like we always do-"

"Stop!" Chris exclaims at me cutting me off and making me flinch a little, his eyes piercing me like shards of ice. I think I hit a nerve. He looks at me for a few moments, not saying anything.

"Yea... well I guess we've done our fair share of hurting each other right...?" I say sadly, my bottom lip quivering, trying really hard not to cry, and Chris looks away from me.

"I'm tired of being ignored and shoved down as if this void between us doesn't exist... I'm tired of being sad and I'm just... tired..." I say still looking at him but he won't look at me.

"So what do you think we should do...?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To Be Continued...


End file.
